When he darkens your doorstep

[Curiousroxy86]

Story time! So. A recent significant ex showed up at my door step to return my night gowns. He starts talking about working it out. Just to give background he cheated. now I know better. I knew in my heart that once a man cheats there's literally no bouncing back with me. In order for me to trust him again he has to be PERFECT in rebuilding my trust. The relationship becomes imbalanced because I am not accepting any flaws that looks sketchy post cheat. Pre cheat I accepted all flaws. I dealt with the fact he had female friends, I wasn't tripping on times he forgot to call or asleep, I wasn't tripping on if he slipped up and said an insensitive comment. Pre cheat secure af. post cheat? I know me. Not only do I not trust his behind but I'm insecure af. So me knowing how this was going to go. I effed up and decided to agree to him trying to do whatever it takes to rebuild my trust. Well to no surprise he fails to rebuild my trust and meet my expectations. So I leave him. Well fast forward to last night here he is trying to ask me to come back and not only does he promise to rebuild my trust again but he started to try to convince me to work on my issues to LMAO. Hold up Flag on the play. You come to me thinking you have leverage? So needless to say the reconciliation attempt didn't end pretty. He proceeded to tell me what all is wrong with me, blame me for cheating, felt justified in cheating, and tried to say that he should have broken up with me instead of cheating and after saying all that still trying to convince me to come back into the relationship so we can work out our problems together!!!! I mean if it wasn't clear than it's so clear now... to be fair. I'm not going to act like I didn't have issues with being guarded pre cheat. And it's not like I wasn't at all working on that because I definitely was but I was working on my because I chose to work on it. But the doing whatever it took to rebuild my trust on his end did not happen cause I don't trust him any more than the day he cheated lol. So thought that was pretty comical. Wasn't at the time it was happening but I can laugh at it now.

[Ami1uwant]

I am not defending him in any way shape or form or saying you should give him a chance.

 

 

On cheating----99% of the time cheating is a byproduct of some other issue in a relationship.

 

What problems did you have pre-cheat?

[Curiousroxy86]

I am not defending him in any way shape or form or saying you should give him a chance.

 

 

On cheating----99% of the time cheating is a byproduct of some other issue in a relationship.

 

What problems did you have pre-cheat?

 

No your right. cheating does reveals a breakdown pre cheat. But that break down Just ends up being a lesson for me to learn with someone else cause I just can't be with someone who chose to cheat (unless he is perfect at rebuilding my trust which is highly unlikely). I'm just not sensible enough to try to make it work once you cheat lol. Plus I'm lokey salty that I accepted your flaws and chose not to cheat on you when I could have and if you can't do that for me we no longer have a relationship.

 

But to answer your question, right before he cheated we were 3 months exclusive. he said he was thinking about moving away and wanted to know my thoughts. I told him honey you should do what makes you happy. Then he asked what about us? Would you be okay with being in a long distance relationship temporarily. I responded honey I support whatever you want to do but I can't be in a long distance relationship. Keep in mind I already told him I dont do long distance relationships during the talking stage. He was salty about my response and became distant. Then I became distant. We had that conversation on a Saturday he cheated 9 days later.

 

Now according him he felt like I should have been all in about him moving away because he was all in with me saying how much he loves me and wants to marry me. But I really did not want long distance. Plus we were only 3 months exclusive. We talked 3 months before that. So the whole 6 months of knowing him he has flipped flopped changing his mind about his career path. So To be honest I wasn't too much worried about the long distance he brought because it wasn't set in stone and he flip flop so much anyway. But he felt the need to cheat after that convo. according to him he felt my answer should have wanted to stay in the relationship despite him moving and that our love would be strong enough. He also complained how emotionally guarded I was. Some examples he gave on me hurting him with my lack of emotions was when he was sleepy from working overnight that I chose to do something else in another room while he slept during the day instead of napping with him, he complained about how he was so open and raw from talking about the past hurt from his exes and that when he asked about my past I didn't go into great detail, the times when I was angry or annoyed I didn't want to talk as much, when he was stressed out about juggling school and work and he vented to me about it and I responded "honey I know it's hard but I know you will get through this". He felt like I should have offered to actually help. so he equate moments like these to me being emotionally guarded and said that's what drove him to cheat.

 

Not going to lie I know I was emotionally guarded. We were exclusive 3 months I'm sorry I still don't believe in long distance relationships unless your engaged and going to move in eventually once married. Some of the things he complained I remember clearly but those were my honest responses at that time. I do find it unfortunate that it resulted the way it did. Other than those conflicts we had awesome times. But he made the decision he made. I made the decision I made. I think two major lessons I want to take with me going forward 1. it's okay to be emotionally open when a man shows himself to be open. And if something is not a big deal it's okay to indulge him. I don't want my man to feel like I don't care or don't share my feelings 2. If a man choose to cheat don't get sucked into him trying to work it out lol. That was really a big ole waste of my time and it just ended up a hot mess. And I know how I am lol.

[KBob]

No your right. cheating does reveals a breakdown pre cheat. But that break down Just ends up being a lesson for me to learn with someone else cause I just can't be with someone who chose to cheat (unless he is perfect at rebuilding my trust which is highly unlikely). I'm just not sensible enough to try to make it work once you cheat lol. Plus I'm lokey salty that I accepted your flaws and chose not to cheat on you when I could have and if you can't do that for me we no longer have a relationship.

 

But to answer your question, right before he cheated we were 3 months exclusive. he said he was thinking about moving away and wanted to know my thoughts. I told him honey you should do what makes you happy. Then he asked what about us? Would you be okay with being in a long distance relationship temporarily. I responded honey I support whatever you want to do but I can't be in a long distance relationship. Keep in mind I already told him I dont do long distance relationships during the talking stage. He was salty about my response and became distant. Then I became distant. We had that conversation on a Saturday he cheated 9 days later.

 

Now according him he felt like I should have been all in about him moving away because he was all in with me saying how much he loves me and wants to marry me. But I really did not want long distance. Plus we were only 3 months exclusive. We talked 3 months before that. So the whole 6 months of knowing him he has flipped flopped changing his mind about his career path. So To be honest I wasn't too much worried about the long distance he brought because it wasn't set in stone and he flip flop so much anyway. But he felt the need to cheat after that convo. according to him he felt my answer should have wanted to stay in the relationship despite him moving and that our love would be strong enough. He also complained how emotionally guarded I was. Some examples he gave on me hurting him with my lack of emotions was when he was sleepy from working overnight that I chose to do something else in another room while he slept during the day instead of napping with him, he complained about how he was so open and raw from talking about the past hurt from his exes and that when he asked about my past I didn't go into great detail, the times when I was angry or annoyed I didn't want to talk as much, when he was stressed out about juggling school and work and he vented to me about it and I responded "honey I know it's hard but I know you will get through this". He felt like I should have offered to actually help. so he equate moments like these to me being emotionally guarded and said that's what drove him to cheat.

 

Not going to lie I know I was emotionally guarded. We were exclusive 3 months I'm sorry I still don't believe in long distance relationships unless your engaged and going to move in eventually once married. Some of the things he complained I remember clearly but those were my honest responses at that time. I do find it unfortunate that it resulted the way it did. Other than those conflicts we had awesome times. But he made the decision he made. I made the decision I made. I think two major lessons I want to take with me going forward 1. it's okay to be emotionally open when a man shows himself to be open. And if something is not a big deal it's okay to indulge him. I don't want my man to feel like I don't care or don't share my feelings 2. If a man choose to cheat don't get sucked into him trying to work it out lol. That was really a big ole waste of my time and it just ended up a hot mess. And I know how I am lol.

 

If you're looking for someone to validate your actions, here it is: from what I see, you did everything right. I'm moving in a year from now and I'm very sure I won't be taking a relationship with me. 3 months? Way too soon, especially when he's thinking of moving, which it sounds like you're not. There's no means to an end of the LDR there, so it can't work.

 

He sounds like a entitled brat, from his complaining about not getting his way when you won't nap with him or tell him everything about your exes, to his rational of "you didn't react the way I wanted you to when I brought up an LDR so I'll go cheat on you, because that's your fault". Be happy this guy is in your past, and I wouldn't bother having anything more to do with him, if I were you.

 

Good for you for standing your ground and not being walked on!

[preraph]

I disagree cheating has to do with both people in the relationship. Maybe it can but normally, it comes down to whether a person has ethics or doesn't have ethics.

 

You are right about him. Some nerve trying to blame you for his cheating. The issues you have is not tolerating cheating and the issues he has is bad ethics and thinking horniness gives him some entitlement.

 

Block him and move on with your life.