I think i just ruined my chances with this girl

[Silly46]

We live pretty far apart. She has a lot of problems in her life, mainly her family. Her mother more specifically. She has an illness and will force her daughter (the girl i love and who has said she basically love me) out to party up to multiple times a week. She doesn't like it, but she goes along. Her mother keeps shoving guys at her which she dismisses. One of the problems is that this girl always wants me to communicate with her when she's partying as she wants me around so she has someone she cares about talking to her, but goes completely silent when she actually goes out, every time and is also up til morning (only know this seeing as i've just checked to see if she's read my message and see that she had been online, but never read them) She doesn't volunteer much to any information about how her nights have been but after a tiny bit of prodding (not forcibly) she does say it.

 

Well, i got tired of it. I'm honestly just waiting for disaster to strike if this continues seeing as we're dating and long distance. I said, i do want to have a future with her and she is free to do as she pleases, but i can't handle this constant drinking and terrible things happening to her every time she does.

This got her pretty upset. She said she got my point and agreed that this is not something that works when you're dating. Yet in the very same conversation said she might think we're not right for each other and she's unsure if she feels the same about me after this. I don't get this at all, i only said that i'm having trouble with something she says she basically hates herself. What does this have to do with our compatibility? She proceeded saying she has decisions to make about whether to end us or move out.

YES i did say i did not want to separate her from her family, this was her idea and the only option as she didn't see any others and she doesn't like her family at all. But i must say that if her feelings for me vanish for a thing like this then she's either lied to me about her feelings or there wasn't much in the first place.

 

What should i do? How long should i wait until asking her what she's decided? We did continue talking but she's colder and doesn't necessarily reply to my messages (this isn't normal) I've never been in this sort of thing before.

 

I get that she might be hurt for being confronted about something, but if she's also testing me to see if i'd stick around for her if she decided to leave then i'm more than happy to play that game. I don't like games, but i do understand that one in this particular situation, and i am very much serious about her.

 

It did strike me that this has effectively become a ultimatum. I never intended it to be, she made that herself with the moving out bit. I just don't know what to do.

 

This makes her look like a really bad person, but she's really not. She's wonderful, it's just when she's drinking... Which is the problem.

[basil67]

How old is she? How long have you been in the LDR for? How much time have you spent together face to face?

 

You say she 'basically' loves you. What does that mean?

[Curiousroxy86]

We live pretty far apart. She has a lot of problems in her life, mainly her family. Her mother more specifically. She has an illness and will force her daughter (the girl i love and who has said she basically love me) out to party up to multiple times a week. She doesn't like it, but she goes along. Her mother keeps shoving guys at her which she dismisses. One of the problems is that this girl always wants me to communicate with her when she's partying as she wants me around so she has someone she cares about talking to her, but goes completely silent when she actually goes out, every time and is also up til morning (only know this seeing as i've just checked to see if she's read my message and see that she had been online, but never read them) She doesn't volunteer much to any information about how her nights have been but after a tiny bit of prodding (not forcibly) she does say it.

 

Well, i got tired of it. I'm honestly just waiting for disaster to strike if this continues seeing as we're dating and long distance. I said, i do want to have a future with her and she is free to do as she pleases, but i can't handle this constant drinking and terrible things happening to her every time she does.

This got her pretty upset. She said she got my point and agreed that this is not something that works when you're dating. Yet in the very same conversation said she might think we're not right for each other and she's unsure if she feels the same about me after this. I don't get this at all, i only said that i'm having trouble with something she says she basically hates herself. What does this have to do with our compatibility? She proceeded saying she has decisions to make about whether to end us or move out.

YES i did say i did not want to separate her from her family, this was her idea and the only option as she didn't see any others and she doesn't like her family at all. But i must say that if her feelings for me vanish for a thing like this then she's either lied to me about her feelings or there wasn't much in the first place.

 

What should i do? How long should i wait until asking her what she's decided? We did continue talking but she's colder and doesn't necessarily reply to my messages (this isn't normal) I've never been in this sort of thing before.

 

I get that she might be hurt for being confronted about something, but if she's also testing me to see if i'd stick around for her if she decided to leave then i'm more than happy to play that game. I don't like games, but i do understand that one in this particular situation, and i am very much serious about her.

 

It did strike me that this has effectively become a ultimatum. I never intended it to be, she made that herself with the moving out bit. I just don't know what to do.

 

This makes her look like a really bad person, but she's really not. She's wonderful, it's just when she's drinking... Which is the problem.

Here's the thing. She probably felt like you was giving her an ultimatum. And people don't like ultimatums. There's a big difference between I don't like how you feel or the bad things that happen to you when you drink versus I can't deal with you drinking. In her mind you said stop the drinking or im going to walk. How did it sound like that? Because you said you can't handle.... So now she is questioning if you even accept her flaws and all. Now assuming this is how she is taking it.....what say you? Is her drinking a true deal breaker for you? Or can you accept it. This is big. If you can accept it then the best way to handle this is to talk to her and let her know baby I care for you/love you and I want you to know that I support whatever you want to do but please understand that I want you to be safe and I know how bad you feel after you drink and because of that I do want you to stop however I know I can't change you so just know that I love you no matter what you decide to do. Then leave it alone. Now if this a deal breaker then you already put it out there that you can't handle it so don't back track now unless you really didn't mean for it to be a deal breaker. If it really is one you need to cut that girl loose. Don't wait around expecting her to change after she still turning up......

[Silly46]

Here's the thing. She probably felt like you was giving her an ultimatum. And people don't like ultimatums. There's a big difference between I don't like how you feel or the bad things that happen to you when you drink versus I can't deal with you drinking. In her mind you said stop the drinking or im going to walk. How did it sound like that? Because you said you can't handle.... So now she is questioning if you even accept her flaws and all. Now assuming this is how she is taking it.....what say you? Is her drinking a true deal breaker for you? Or can you accept it. This is big. If you can accept it then the best way to handle this is to talk to her and let her know baby I care for you/love you and I want you to know that I support whatever you want to do but please understand that I want you to be safe and I know how bad you feel after you drink and because of that I do want you to stop however I know I can't change you so just know that I love you no matter what you decide to do. Then leave it alone. Now if this a deal breaker then you already put it out there that you can't handle it so don't back track now unless you really didn't mean for it to be a deal breaker. If it really is one you need to cut that girl loose. Don't wait around expecting her to change after she still turning up......

 

I might have been a bit hot headed when i wrote it. It's not a deal breaker at this moment, but i can't predict the future. I guess that depends if her habits gets worse. I just basically told her that it makes me feel very uneasy when she's up so late and basically don't talk to me at all. It makes trusting difficult, but she has done nothing to break my trust so i don't suspect anything bad, it just feels like i'm asking for heartbreak if this continues.

 

She knows this crap is bad for her and no decent man would sit back and accept the situation as it is, but instead of just abandoning (which i really do not want to do as i think she's amazing) i do try diplomacy before anything else.

 

But the main question is though, she decided on her own what she has to do, and keep in mind that we communicated pretty muchh, almost always when she was awake. How long should i let it go before i ask her how she feels?

Edited March 18, 2017 by Silly46

[act00]

Her mother forces her to party?? This I don't get. How is one forced to party? I can see a meddling mother trying to fix up her daughter with potential husbands, though.

 

She sounds like she's a bit of a mess and in an unhealthy home environment. Only she can fix that. Who knows if her drinking is a problem, but it doesn't sound too good. I suppose if she moved out and moved to your city, she might be able to mend, but I wonder if she'll just continue to be a mess, only now she won't have her family nearby, and even though they sound nuts, they are her support system.

 

She sounds like she needs to get out of that environment and work on herself. If she genuinely cared about you, losing you may be a wake-up call to fix her life, move out.

 

I agree, if her drinking is an issue for you, you shouldn't try to maintain this relationship.

[joseb]

Yeah I'm not buying the mother forcing her to party line either. I suspect she likes doing it.

 

Why are you in a long distance relationship anyway?

 

Did you move since you met her?

[Silly46]

Her mother forces her to party?? This I don't get. How is one forced to party? I can see a meddling mother trying to fix up her daughter with potential husbands, though.

 

She sounds like she's a bit of a mess and in an unhealthy home environment. Only she can fix that. Who knows if her drinking is a problem, but it doesn't sound too good. I suppose if she moved out and moved to your city, she might be able to mend, but I wonder if she'll just continue to be a mess, only now she won't have her family nearby, and even though they sound nuts, they are her support system.

 

She sounds like she needs to get out of that environment and work on herself. If she genuinely cared about you, losing you may be a wake-up call to fix her life, move out.

 

I agree, if her drinking is an issue for you, you shouldn't try to maintain this relationship.

 

Her mother has an illness so the consequences are dire if she doesn't do as she wants. No abuse towards her just so thats said.

 

I don't know much about her drinking habits if i'm entirely honest. I don't know if she drinks sorrows away or why since she gets so drunk every time she's out or if she just likes it. I just want to hear her out first of all. She's had a lot of problems, but i can't really accept that she'll do whatever she wants and i'll just have to watch her suffer for it. She should understand this perfectly well.

[Curiousroxy86]

I might have been a bit hot headed when i wrote it. It's not a deal breaker at this moment, but i can't predict the future. I guess that depends if her habits gets worse. I just basically told her that it makes me feel very uneasy when she's up so late and basically don't talk to me at all. It makes trusting difficult, but she has done nothing to break my trust so i don't suspect anything bad, it just feels like i'm asking for heartbreak if this continues.

 

She knows this crap is bad for her and no decent man would sit back and accept the situation as it is, but instead of just abandoning (which i really do not want to do as i think she's amazing) i do try diplomacy before anything else.

 

But the main question is though, she decided on her own what she has to do, and keep in mind that we communicated pretty muchh, almost always when she was awake. How long should i let it go before i ask her how she feels?

 

I'm concerned with what you wrote because you writing as if you trying to change her. You can't change her bruh. She has to want to change then choose to change.

 

you said if her habits get worse it can become a deal breaker. So my question is if her current habits the way they are were to continue can you accept it? If so AND if y'all are still in an exclusive relationship then I wouldn't wait another day. I would call her and talk to her about your concerns without coming at her sideways

 

But if her CURRENT habits you know you can't handle I say leave her where she at

[Space Ritual]

We live pretty far apart. She has a lot of problems in her life, mainly her family. Her mother more specifically. She has an illness and will force her daughter (the girl i love and who has said she basically love me) out to party up to multiple times a week. She doesn't like it, but she goes along. Her mother keeps shoving guys at her which she dismisses. One of the problems is that this girl always wants me to communicate with her when she's partying as she wants me around so she has someone she cares about talking to her, but goes completely silent when she actually goes out, every time and is also up til morning (only know this seeing as i've just checked to see if she's read my message and see that she had been online, but never read them) She doesn't volunteer much to any information about how her nights have been but after a tiny bit of prodding (not forcibly) she does say it.

 

Well, i got tired of it. I'm honestly just waiting for disaster to strike if this continues seeing as we're dating and long distance. I said, i do want to have a future with her and she is free to do as she pleases, but i can't handle this constant drinking and terrible things happening to her every time she does.

This got her pretty upset. She said she got my point and agreed that this is not something that works when you're dating. Yet in the very same conversation said she might think we're not right for each other and she's unsure if she feels the same about me after this. I don't get this at all, i only said that i'm having trouble with something she says she basically hates herself. What does this have to do with our compatibility? She proceeded saying she has decisions to make about whether to end us or move out.

YES i did say i did not want to separate her from her family, this was her idea and the only option as she didn't see any others and she doesn't like her family at all. But i must say that if her feelings for me vanish for a thing like this then she's either lied to me about her feelings or there wasn't much in the first place.

 

What should i do? How long should i wait until asking her what she's decided? We did continue talking but she's colder and doesn't necessarily reply to my messages (this isn't normal) I've never been in this sort of thing before.

 

I get that she might be hurt for being confronted about something, but if she's also testing me to see if i'd stick around for her if she decided to leave then i'm more than happy to play that game. I don't like games, but i do understand that one in this particular situation, and i am very much serious about her.

 

It did strike me that this has effectively become a ultimatum. I never intended it to be, she made that herself with the moving out bit. I just don't know what to do.

 

This makes her look like a really bad person, but she's really not. She's wonderful, it's just when she's drinking... Which is the problem.

 

What to do?

 

It's really quit easy.

 

You are being guilt tipped to stay with someone who as zero respect for you or herself. She wants you to try to fix her. The problem is, you can't.

 

Get rid of her and go silent. This one s a no brainer. You bear no responsibility for this circus.

[act00]

Her mother has an illness so the consequences are dire if she doesn't do as she wants. No abuse towards her just so thats said.

 

I don't know much about her drinking habits if i'm entirely honest. I don't know if she drinks sorrows away or why since she gets so drunk every time she's out or if she just likes it. I just want to hear her out first of all. She's had a lot of problems, but i can't really accept that she'll do whatever she wants and i'll just have to watch her suffer for it. She should understand this perfectly well.

 

Well, unless her mother knows about certain events and forces her daughter to go to these events so she can meet a husband, I don't understand what the GF is doing as far as being "forced to party." She could go hang out at a coffee shop, library, or bookstore. She could walk around the park or mall and window shop. She could see if there's a class or activity to participate in. If she goes to a party or a bar, she could limit her alcohol intake and not drink herself into oblivion.

 

Does she work? How does she maintain a party lifestyle "multiple times a week" and function at work/maintain a job? Why not just say, "Mom, I have work in the morning, I can't stay out late tonight."

 

What is the reason she stays at home?

 

If her home life is that toxic, I can see drinking being a self-medicating action, but she's really headed straight towards a brick wall with this behavior if she can't stop drinking and ends up drunk every time. You state "terrible things that happen" when she drinks. That's a red flag, and she clearly can't control herself and finds herself in precarious positions. I would also have concern, but there's only so much you can do, particularly long-distance, and she might just have to hit rock bottom before she gets that wake-up call that she needs to make a change. Certainly you're not the only one who has cut bait over this lifestyle and behavior. The family alone would have me running - you marry the family.

 

I think that you're walking into a relationship with a ticking time bomb. Without definite steps in place to improve her situation (get a job, move out, seek therapy), I don't know that I would continue with this. You're reaching your breaking point. When someone complains, nonstop, about their life issues, yet never takes measures to change them, it gets old and tiring, and at some point you have to wash your hands of it.

[Silly46]

Well, unless her mother knows about certain events and forces her daughter to go to these events so she can meet a husband, I don't understand what the GF is doing as far as being "forced to party." She could go hang out at a coffee shop, library, or bookstore. She could walk around the park or mall and window shop. She could see if there's a class or activity to participate in. If she goes to a party or a bar, she could limit her alcohol intake and not drink herself into oblivion.

 

Does she work? How does she maintain a party lifestyle "multiple times a week" and function at work/maintain a job? Why not just say, "Mom, I have work in the morning, I can't stay out late tonight."

 

What is the reason she stays at home?

 

If her home life is that toxic, I can see drinking being a self-medicating action, but she's really headed straight towards a brick wall with this behavior if she can't stop drinking and ends up drunk every time. You state "terrible things that happen" when she drinks. That's a red flag, and she clearly can't control herself and finds herself in precarious positions. I would also have concern, but there's only so much you can do, particularly long-distance, and she might just have to hit rock bottom before she gets that wake-up call that she needs to make a change. Certainly you're not the only one who has cut bait over this lifestyle and behavior. The family alone would have me running - you marry the family.

 

I think that you're walking into a relationship with a ticking time bomb. Without definite steps in place to improve her situation (get a job, move out, seek therapy), I don't know that I would continue with this. You're reaching your breaking point. When someone complains, nonstop, about their life issues, yet never takes measures to change them, it gets old and tiring, and at some point you have to wash your hands of it.

 

Her mother goes bat**** crazy and suicidal if she doesn't act perfectly and do what her mother wants, otherwise the mother will think she's a failure. Yes, this is crazy, but not the girls fault at all.

 

I said that this lifestyle she's living is destructive for her as a person and us as a potential couple. She was struck back a bit and did not really understand why. I went on length explaining the problems with this, but in her eyes it probably made me look like i don't trust her or is insecure but that's far from the truth and i honestly do not care. If you're into a guy and say you want to live the rest of your life with that man, you just don't do this ****.

 

She says she wants me and that i'm perfect for her. But she still has 2 options, and both too terrible for her. End us or leave her mother, who might actually try to commit suicide for that. She's struggling really hard and i say that i do not want to make her choose such a thing and that i'd rather have us end since she'd become miserable and resent me for any bad outcome. This does not change simple fact that she needs to get her act together and get the loon in mental care or simple get **** out of that toxic household regardless.