D-Day experiences

[Scarlet2]

Wondering if it's possible for OW/OM to have a D-Day without ever knowing about it.

 

If the BS never confronts the AP and if the WS never tells the AP that they were caught, how do you know? Is that when they ghost or go LC if they don't want to tell you? And why wouldn't they want to tell you? Or what if they still continue to see you anyway like nothing ever happened and you're still in the dark that they got discovered?

 

What were your D-Day experiences? One sided; messy; cut & dry; drawn out; quick; painless; painful, etc...

[Southern Sun]

Wondering if it's possible for OW/OM to have a D-Day without ever knowing about it.

 

If the BS never confronts the AP and if the WS never tells the AP that they were caught, how do you know? Is that when they ghost or go LC if they don't want to tell you? And why wouldn't they want to tell you? Or what if they still continue to see you anyway like nothing ever happened and you're still in the dark that they got discovered?

 

What were your D-Day experiences? One sided; messy; cut & dry; drawn out; quick; painless; painful, etc...

 

First, I can't imagine a scenario where the WS gets caught, continues to see the AP, and doesn't tell the AP they were caught. That wouldn't make sense and is downright dangerous. UNLESS the WS got caught seeing a DIFFERENT AP. For example, when a MM has more than one OW.

 

I do think there have been instances of D-Days occurring and the WS just ghosting an AP. Most likely those are situations where the BS has required immediate NC, or maybe the WS just decided that's how things were ending. But again, not telling the AP about the D-Day would be asking for potential trouble. What if the AP tries to make contact? My thought is that if ghosting happened, it wasn't because of a D-Day...most likely.

 

My D-Days...horrible, miserable, long and painful.

[sandylee1]

I reckon that's where the OW or OM gets ghosted and goes off the radar.

 

The WS is usually trying their hardest to save the marriage and goes full force into that mode.

 

I had a WS tell me that when his wife got suspicious he would block his AP, who was hidden under the name of a company and have all his texts set to auto delete once read.

[carhill]

Wondering if it's possible for OW/OM to have a D-Day without ever knowing about it.

Sure, possible. MM/MW disappear without notice or explanation and done. Experienced it personally.

 

If the BS never confronts the AP and if the WS never tells the AP that they were caught, how do you know?

In general, it's impossible for any outsider to know what goes on behind marital closed doors. Even professionals counseling both parties can only make an educated guess.

Is that when they ghost or go LC if they don't want to tell you?

Could be, sure. Doesn't have to be. Reasons are as manifold as there are people. Can't read minds so only the person themselves knows for sure

And why wouldn't they want to tell you?

Because they don't want to. Absent being dead, they do what they want or don't do what they don't want.

Or what if they still continue to see you anyway like nothing ever happened and you're still in the dark that they got discovered?

Sure, that can happen too. If they're good at compartmentalizing, the boxes will never touch and whatever goes on in the extra-marital box exists entirely on its own, both within their psyche and in outward word and action. Some people can do that well, others not so well. Depends.

 

What were your D-Day experiences? One sided; messy; cut & dry; drawn out; quick; painless; painful, etc...

 

Gamut. I saw no commonalities over the decades. Varied from death threats to disappearances. People do what they do. Once one accepts that, the rest becomes easy. It's like ancient history now, only relevant for academic discussion.

[CaliforniaGirl]

Sure, it's very possible the WS either got caught or felt s/he was about to, so s/he just stopped contacting the AP.

 

Why? Well...WS has been dishonest in the extreme already in doing the AP. So where would integrity, caring for the person's feelings, etc. suddenly pop up from? This person (WS) is a cheater, a consummate liar and selfish enough to risk hurting his wife and if he has them, his children, to the quick. That doesn't demonstrate any integrity. So being careful not to hurt and suddenly abandon his AP wouldn't even be on his radar.

 

It is always interesting to me when people expect a cheater and liar to do the right thing with *them* (and only them, you'll notice). Why? He isn't doing the right thing with anyone else. I have seen people on the infidelity board describe their AP as honest. OMG, snort. What?? And I've heard "The MM I'm seeing has promised that he will always blah-blah." Right. And he legally and, if in a religious ceremony, before God promised some other woman something...doesn't seem like his promise is very reliable, eh?

[DreamGirly]

1st dday was 2 months in. He stood me up and ghosted me for like 12 hrs (we texted constantly so that was like 2 affair years. lol) until I demanded he tell me what was happening. His wife had read my texts about our meeting that day. He said he couldn't talk to me anymore. It lasted 1 day. Fast forward to this past January almost two years later and even though there is way more to the story, the wife read texts and listened to voicemails. He didn't ghost, but we had a dramatic week, an emotional "last minute trip away" and said our goodbyes and agreed on no contact until we were ready to make our changes. It lasted 72 hours and went right back to how it was except now we have apps, and a secret email and codes for regular text if we need it. We both have an exit plan for the near future. And both need to stay attached a little longer. He protected my identity through both Ddays and made sure nothing happened on my end. His wife made demands but didn't follow through. So here we are.

[CaliforniaGirl]

1st dday was 2 months in. He stood me up and ghosted me for like 12 hrs (we texted constantly so that was like 2 affair years. lol) until I demanded he tell me what was happening. His wife had read my texts about our meeting that day. He said he couldn't talk to me anymore. It lasted 1 day. Fast forward to this past January almost two years later and even though there is way more to the story, the wife read texts and listened to voicemails. He didn't ghost, but we had a dramatic week, an emotional "last minute trip away" and said our goodbyes and agreed on no contact until we were ready to make our changes. It lasted 72 hours and went right back to how it was except now we have apps, and a secret email and codes for regular text if we need it. We both have an exit plan for the near future. And both need to stay attached a little longer. He protected my identity through both Ddays and made sure nothing happened on my end. His wife made demands but didn't follow through. So here we are.

 

Yeah, any day now, huh?

 

Well, good luck.

[cocorico]

There are many possibilities. A MM I know has had close on 30 DDays. His OW only knows of around 20 of those. He doesn't feel the need to tell her about each one, unless there is significant fallout that actively disrupts their plans, e.g. if he has to cancel seeing her at short notice. Mostly he knows the pattern the DDay will follow - he gets careless, BW discovers text / DM / VM and freaks out. He acts contrite, agrees to BW demands (usually for a flashy holiday trip, or something similar that she can use to post loved-up photos on social media), pretends to go NC but just takes contact underground for a little while.

 

Once BW has her cruise booked / new bling / agreement to renew vows / etc she relaxes her guard, and contact resumes at previous levels, or MM becomes even more attentive to OW as a result of the wake-up call (recognising what he could have lost) and normality resumes. MM ensures he looks thoroughly miserable in all photos on cruise / vow renewal / etc so BW doesn't plaster the photos on social media, so OW isn't alerted to yet another DDay. BW doesn't bother blowing up OW's phone because OW never takes her calls, and doesn't have VM activated, and so MM doesn't need to warn OW about potential contact (OW and MM are also pretty canny about keeping OW's contact details hidden from BW). And, I guess, somewhere along the line BW has worked out that after more than a decade and all those DDays, her WS is the problem rather than OW.

[Southern Sun]

"Ghosting" in and of itself is not always due to a lack of integrity. Maybe the MM/MW finally and suddenly realized the error of their ways. Maybe they had tried to break it off numerous times. Maybe their AP was a stage 5 clinger or stalker/controller and they just had to drop the hammer. D-Day or not.

[CaliforniaGirl]

"Ghosting" in and of itself is not always due to a lack of integrity. Maybe the MM/MW finally and suddenly realized the error of their ways. Maybe they had tried to break it off numerous times. Maybe their AP was a stage 5 clinger or stalker/controller and they just had to drop the hammer. D-Day or not.

 

The guy is porking some other person behind his wife's back. Lack of integrity IS involved, sorry.

 

Way to make the WS the good guy though, and the AP potentially certifiable. Nicely done.

[Southern Sun]

The guy is porking some other person behind his wife's back. Lack of integrity IS involved, sorry.

 

Way to make the WS the good guy though, and the AP potentially certifiable. Nicely done.

 

Yikes. Wasn't pointing my finger at a specific AP on this board. The question wasn't posed as if it was her, and I was responding to the general discussion re: ghosting.

Edited March 20, 2017 by Southern Sun

[wmacbride]

There are many possibilities. A MM I know has had close on 30 DDays. His OW only knows of around 20 of those. He doesn't feel the need to tell her about each one, unless there is significant fallout that actively disrupts their plans, e.g. if he has to cancel seeing her at short notice. Mostly he knows the pattern the DDay will follow - he gets careless, BW discovers text / DM / VM and freaks out. He acts contrite, agrees to BW demands (usually for a flashy holiday trip, or something similar that she can use to post loved-up photos on social media), pretends to go NC but just takes contact underground for a little while.

 

Once BW has her cruise booked / new bling / agreement to renew vows / etc she relaxes her guard, and contact resumes at previous levels, or MM becomes even more attentive to OW as a result of the wake-up call (recognising what he could have lost) and normality resumes. MM ensures he looks thoroughly miserable in all photos on cruise / vow renewal / etc so BW doesn't plaster the photos on social media, so OW isn't alerted to yet another DDay. BW doesn't bother blowing up OW's phone because OW never takes her calls, and doesn't have VM activated, and so MM doesn't need to warn OW about potential contact (OW and MM are also pretty canny about keeping OW's contact details hidden from BW). And, I guess, somewhere along the line BW has worked out that after more than a decade and all those DDays, her WS is the problem rather than OW.

 

The ow in this scenario presented in your tale is an outright fool if she really believes a single word that would come out of this guy's mouth. He lies to his wife, but of course, he would never, EVER lie to her, because they are in love and she's got the magic wand that keeps him honest to only her:D:lmao:

 

The reality of the situation is probably far different, and unless one is the wh, one really has no idea of the truth of the situation. He's likely telling his wife some tall tales abut the ow.

 

Meanwhile, the crumb of a snake gets to sit there like the cat who swallowed the canary. The bs and the ow should come together to fight their common enemy...HIM...then they can both figure out why they wasted so long on the schmuck.