Very little to no affection

[Tressugar]

I'm on vacation with the guy I'm currently dating. Everything's picture perfect except what I'm discovering he offers me little to no affection.

 

We sleep in a king bed and sleeps on his side and I sleep on the far opposite side. At the beginning of this trip it was me who initiated all the affection. After receiving lukewarm reciprocation I stop initiating and accepted things for what they are.

 

He kissed me once during the entire vacay and won't hold my hand back. I'm embarrassed by how loosely holds my hand. This is after I grab too hold his hand.

 

A couple of occasions he's sat far away from me while dining.

 

I did ask him if he's attracted to me and is having fun, his response yes.

 

We do engagingly talk. What am I missing here?

[d0nnivain]

Not everybody is a snuggler. I can't sleep with somebody wrapped around me or vice versa. DH & I compromise -- we kind of connect by one ankle.

 

 

Ask him to hold your hand. He may not be a PDA person. My DH wasn't either. We had to practice for a long time before he felt comfortable. Now it's second nature.

 

 

If this is your 1st trip, you are learning how to travel with each other. That involves educating the other person about your expectations.

 

 

Enjoy your trip.

[Tressugar]

Thank you d0nnivain. Yes this our first overnight extended official out of town vacation. We're both having a blast. He wants to come back.

 

I always grabbed his hand to hold and I think I would have gotten more of a response from a stranger. So I stopped holding his hand and started to watch and envy other couples who were walking hand in hand. The last thing I want to do is force myself upon a person.

 

He did say that he's not a cuddler and he's not upset with me. He's just tired. We been up all night partying. I just asked him at 5 something in the morning. It was just bothering me to the point that I thought I was doing something wrong.

 

Thank you for sharing with me how you and your husband had to learn each other styles of affection and learned to compromise.

 

When we both wake up fully I would like to have that discussion with him. I like to feel like I'm wanted and desired.

[GemmaUK]

I also can't sleep wrapped up with someone - I need my own space for sleeping as I'm a light sleeper.

 

Aside from that I'm a touchy feely person in a relationship - this dwindles if I'm not happy in the relationship or he doesn't return the gesture.

 

Gentle touch to me is really important and can be whenever IMO.

 

I would say have that talk and say what you need - see if he is willing to give it a go. Be specific about things you like but also considerate of him too.

 

I don't need to 'continually' hold hands though (not saying you do btw!) - this can get a bit difficult in crowds or when shopping/eating.

With one guy I really had a problem with holding hands though - the guy was inconsiderate of the fact I needed my hands to do things with when out shopping and eating and he would not let go even when asked - I kinda need my own space for doing things! He was in his forties, hugely insecure and controlling though - he was totally unaffectionate in private - only ever touchy in public.

[act00]

This level of affection would make me insane. Is he your buddy or your boyfriend?

 

I'm confused on your relationship. What was he like before this trip? Have you been physical at all? I don't understand how you're on an overnight vacation together, sharing a room and a bed, but no sex, and he has kissed you once? He won't hold your hand, and when he does, it's limp and he's just going with it cuz you grabbed it?

 

As stated above, people can change and compromise on levels of affection, and I guess you need to tell him what you want/need, and while hopefully he ramps up the affection, you will likewise learn to accept you won't get the high level you expect and give him the space he wants (e.g. spoon for awhile and then part ways in bed).

 

I would take this low level of affection as him not wanting a relationship, but rather just a friend to do stuff with. If you never really kissed, cuddled, or held hands before the trip, the trip itself isn't necessarily going to change things.

[oldshirt]

What am I missing here?

 

A boyfriend.

[oldshirt]

Let's review a few very basic things that your mother and grandmother should have already gone over with you.

 

For starters, dating is an interview and probationary period much like a job interview and probationary period where people talk to each other and spend some time together getting to know each other to determine if they are a compatible match or not for fulfilling each other's job descriptions. (that job description could be anything from a one-night-stand, to friend with benefits, to exclusive relationship, to marriage with home and family etc)

 

Both parties are completely "free-will" and can terminate the interview/probationary process at any time without prejudice or repercussion if they do not believe the other one is a right match for their position.

 

 

And on another note; romance/sexuality/physical affection etc is what separates our "special someone" from all the rest and it is what makes them "special."

 

If you don't have that spark and that connection with someone, then they are just another friend or bowling buddy or something.

 

This guy sounds like just another guy-pal.

 

He may be fun to hang out with and party with, but does he meet your criteria for an actual boyfriend????

 

You've had an interview and now a probationary period with him and have gotten to know him to a degree and have seen how he responds to your bids for affection and physicality....... the question you must now answer is, is he the right person for the job or not?

[Arieswoman]

Tresugar,

As usual Oldshirt get to the nub of the matter in his usual succinct way ;

 

A boyfriend.

 

Now I don't like to sleep wrapped around someone, I need my own space. My husband snores fit to wake the dead, so I have earplugs.

 

However, when we (my husband & I ) are out and about on holiday, we hold hands, link arms, sit together, whatever. We act as a couple.

But this ;

 

He kissed me once during the entire vacay and won't hold my hand back.

 

A couple of occasions he's sat far away from me while dining.

 

It sounds to me like he's avoiding intimacy.

 

IMO you need to evaluate this relationship and see if it's going where you want to go.

[oldshirt]

.

 

I did ask him if he's attracted to me and is having fun, his response yes.

 

We do engagingly talk.

 

Let's review another critical life lesson here - Always judge people by their actions and never their words.

 

Let me give a to-the-point example here. Trussugar, I Oldshirt, love you madly and am completely and utterly captivated by your beauty, sweetness and sexiness and I dream about you day and night and my soul is hollow and empty without you by my side. I shall cherish you to my dying breath and bask in your radiance and give upon you my every ounce of life and spirit.

 

Do you feel moved and fulfilled by what I have written above? Why not???

 

Because it's just some guy you've never met and never had any contact with typing out words on a keyboard perhaps?

 

That's my point. Anyone can say or type words. It's their actions and behaviors and their personal traits and characteristics that actually matter.

 

Yes, it's nice to hear nice words, but if they aren't preceaded by and then backed up with actions and behaviors, they mean nothing.

 

He may answer, "yes" when you ask him if he likes you and is attracted to you, but the homeless drunk under a bridge will say he likes you too if you approach and ask him that with a bottle of Vodka in your hand.

 

My Momma always used to tell me, "a boyfriend is as a boyfriend does."

 

Is your 'boyfriend' actually doing what you want a boyfriend of YOURS to be doing.

[oldshirt]

He did say that he's not a cuddler and he's not upset with me. .

 

For some reason I am very troubled by this statement above.

 

Why would he feel the need to tell you he is not "upset" with you for trying to be affectionate with him?????????

 

Why would the word 'upset' even enter into that conversation?

 

Something is way way off here.

[coolheadal]

I'm on vacation with the guy I'm currently dating. Everything's picture perfect except what I'm discovering he offers me little to no affection.

 

We sleep in a king bed and sleeps on his side and I sleep on the far opposite side. At the beginning of this trip it was me who initiated all the affection. After receiving lukewarm reciprocation I stop initiating and accepted things for what they are.

 

He kissed me once during the entire vacay and won't hold my hand back. I'm embarrassed by how loosely holds my hand. This is after I grab too hold his hand.

 

A couple of occasions he's sat far away from me while dining.

 

I did ask him if he's attracted to me and is having fun, his response yes.

 

We do engagingly talk. What am I missing here?

 

If you don't like the situation then leave. This guy is not affectionate. So you deal with it or not. To me he's the way he is because of the way he was raised without the extra love in the family he was brought up in.

[GemmaUK]

Let's review a few very basic things that your mother and grandmother should have already gone over with you.

Unfortunately, this never happened for me.

Not every woman had grandmothers nor mothers who were alive by the time this conversation would have been relevant.

 

If I am getting on really well with a guy though and affection is an issue I'll talk to him about it.

Edited March 18, 2017 by GemmaUK

[Curiousroxy86]

I'm on vacation with the guy I'm currently dating. Everything's picture perfect except what I'm discovering he offers me little to no affection.

 

We sleep in a king bed and sleeps on his side and I sleep on the far opposite side. At the beginning of this trip it was me who initiated all the affection. After receiving lukewarm reciprocation I stop initiating and accepted things for what they are.

 

He kissed me once during the entire vacay and won't hold my hand back. I'm embarrassed by how loosely holds my hand. This is after I grab too hold his hand.

 

A couple of occasions he's sat far away from me while dining.

 

I did ask him if he's attracted to me and is having fun, his response yes.

 

We do engagingly talk. What am I missing here?

 

Are y'all exclusive? And is this normal since day one or all the sudden he became unaffectionate? If your exclusive and he has been affectionate before and this is not normal say babe what's up. Is everything okay? You seem distant. See how he responds. Give him time to correct. If he don't correct after giving him some time (and it really depends on how he responds) you know what you need to do. If he been like this since day one then accept it or leave. I personally couldn't do it lol. If y'all not exclusive leave him where he at.

[oldshirt]

I went back and read through some of your old posts.

 

 

I don't think this is anything deeper than him simply not being the right one for you.

 

That doesn't make either one of you in the wrong or that either one of you is acting in bad faith or anything - I think he is just falling short on what you need in a good LTR.

 

This is just simply a near-miss.

 

We all have quite a few of those over the course of our lives.

 

If he gets you out of the house and y'all have some fun on a Sat night, then that is great and fine and dandy.

 

But my recommendation is don't take yourself off of the market and keep your options open and don't turn a valid offer from another potential suitor because of him.

 

You're not doing anything wrong and thus far you haven't said anything that indicates any malfeasance on his part either. He just isn't the right match for you. (IMHO. because I couldn't be with someone that couldn't even bring themselves to hold my hand and could only kiss me once on a vacation...but that's just me)

[mikeylo]

This is not an affection issue. Its about him not being that into you.

[d0nnivain]

For some reason I am very troubled by this statement above.

 

Why would he feel the need to tell you he is not "upset" with you for trying to be affectionate with him?????????

 

Why would the word 'upset' even enter into that conversation?

 

Something is way way off here.

 

 

I took that to mean that the OP was kind of pestering him about not being touchy feely / a cuddler so he felt the need to assure her that he wasn't upset because she was asking. I do think that a calm chat is in order for them to discuss their expectations.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Eh those things should come naturally...I really don't see the point in telling someone to "hug you more".

 

I am very affectionate and really need that in return. I have dated some guys that were on the colder side and were only affectionate in a lead up to sex. I knew we weren't a match.

 

That said, I need to be left to sleep without snuggling, but that's only at the time of actual sleep. All the other times, it's constant touching and holding hands, little kisses, random cuddles etc...to me that's the best part of relationships.

[d0nnivain]

Eh those things should come naturally...I really don't see the point in telling someone to "hug you more". .

 

 

They don't come naturally to some people. My family is not touchy feely. I was in college when I first noticed other people's families hugged & kissed hello. I wondered why mine didn't. So I tried hugging my parents. They returned the hugs (they weren't mean or anything) but they were perplexed about why I was doing this. It was all very odd.

 

 

It took me a long time to be comfy with somebody in my space. Not everybody is tactile.

 

 

You have to find out where the balance lies in your unique relationship.

[Popsicle]

I don't think I've ever seen a case work out where one person told their partner that they need more affection and/or sex and things changed. After you tell them, they just fake it for a while and eventually fall off again. It's time to be real with yourself and accept what this is and is not.

[Eternal Sunshine]

They don't come naturally to some people. My family is not touchy feely. I was in college when I first noticed other people's families hugged & kissed hello. I wondered why mine didn't. So I tried hugging my parents. They returned the hugs (they weren't mean or anything) but they were perplexed about why I was doing this. It was all very odd.

 

 

It took me a long time to be comfy with somebody in my space. Not everybody is tactile.

 

 

You have to find out where the balance lies in your unique relationship.

 

You have a point there. My family is very affectionate (especially my mum) and I am used to her giving me random hugs and we even hold hands sometimes. My dad is less so but even he always hugs and kisses me hello/good bye. I just thought everyone is like that.

[curiouslysearching]

Eh those things should come naturally...I really don't see the point in telling someone to "hug you more".

 

I am very affectionate and really need that in return. I have dated some guys that were on the colder side and were only affectionate in a lead up to sex. I knew we weren't a match.

 

That said, I need to be left to sleep without snuggling, but that's only at the time of actual sleep. All the other times, it's constant touching and holding hands, little kisses, random cuddles etc...to me that's the best part of relationships.

 

Some of that, I consider to be an important part of romance. As for

sleeping, I am like you in that I like my "recreational space."

[oldshirt]

I don't think I've ever seen a case work out where one person told their partner that they need more affection and/or sex and things changed. After you tell them, they just fake it for a while and eventually fall off again. It's time to be real with yourself and accept what this is and is not.

 

I tend to agree.

 

If people are way off on their preferences for physical affection and sexuality, there is rarely a fix other than one of them sucking it up and capitulating.

 

This is simply a mismatch of physical compatibilities.

[Tressugar]

@ Oldshirt

 

I had asked my date if he was upset with me. The reason why I had asked him is because I equate lack of affection with being upset with a person and yes I understand that's me projecting my life experiences on him.

 

That's what I do when I'm upset with a person. I withhold my affection and withdraw.

 

My date had his "spurts" of being affectionate. When it comes on it always take me by surprise. Like last night when he leaned in to kiss me I thought he was trying to tell me something. Lol. That's how sporadic his affection for me is.

 

I did have the talk with him this morning and I apologize in advance for me being forward in letting him know that I'm an affectionate person. He told me that I don't have to apologize for that and that he likes that in me. I told him I like being touched and kissed. I'm the same way he is in being not tangled up with someone while sleeping; I need my space like him and from reading the responses some of you do.

[joseb]

I'm on vacation with the guy I'm currently dating. Everything's picture perfect except what I'm discovering he offers me little to no affection.

 

We sleep in a king bed and sleeps on his side and I sleep on the far opposite side. At the beginning of this trip it was me who initiated all the affection. After receiving lukewarm reciprocation I stop initiating and accepted things for what they are.

 

He kissed me once during the entire vacay and won't hold my hand back. I'm embarrassed by how loosely holds my hand. This is after I grab too hold his hand.

 

A couple of occasions he's sat far away from me while dining.

 

I did ask him if he's attracted to me and is having fun, his response yes.

 

We do engagingly talk. What am I missing here?

 

 

Are you two having sex each night?

[Tressugar]

@ joseb

 

We spent 3 days and 2 nights there. Only one time of sexual activity and that was the first night there. The days were spent exploring the state/town and the following night we were both spent. We both got roughly eight hours of sleep during the entire time being on vacation.

 

I realize he's different than my exes. My exes were over the top in their display of affection in private and public. I noticed he's deliberate if/when he's affectionate.

 

I also concluded that he holds back in stating and sharing his feelings in fear of being taken advantage of. He confirmed this.

 

d0nnivain has a strong point, as many posters here do, in that I have to accept that this is who he is. He has his moments when he shows his affection. He kind of reminds me of my father. My Dad is not overly affectionate, but he provides for us through his financial means. My date is very similar. He pays for most of everything and is offended if I open my wallet.

 

What I've learned/read men who offer their money within the confines of the person they care about that's the way they show their love.

 

And to the poster who said on my other thread about men who say 'I love you' mean it. During our vacation, I'm back now, I brought up what my date said two times now... I love you... while we were going to sleep and his response was I don't say that unless I mean it. He said that usually men don't declare love unless they feel it. I'm guessing with my wordless response and stare, he backpedalled and asked if he was sleep talking or perhaps dreaming. I told him unless he sleeps so quickly as soon as we turn off the lights as we are talking then it's possible he was sleep talking while cuddling with me.

 

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Edited March 19, 2017 by Tressugar