She says that I am only a best friend...[Complicated story]

[Afgl]

First thing first, we are both girls. No we are not curious, we know which gender we are interested in. We are both mid 20's.

 

If I were to say who wears the 'pants', it would be her. She is technically the 'man' of the relationship.

 

We have been together for almost 3 years now. It's been a cycle of ups and downs. I was not very attractive in the beginning, and she was still getting over her ex. We made it through thick and thin, and despite feeling like just a rebound for a long time, I stuck by her through every single painful thing she put me through. She also tended to break up on and off, unsure of her feelings for me.

 

Through the years, I've completely changed myself into someone who looked and acted completely different (in a good way). And most of it was because of her support. However, after changing myself to a brand new person, showing her unconditional love, and willing to put up with any obstacle that may come between us, she decides that she does not love me and has never loved me romantically. Instead, she told me many times she felt stronger romantic feelings for her ex girlfriends than me, and they treated her like dirt...

 

She tells me that I am only a best friend to her and she is very sad to let me go because we know each other so well and we have very similar hobbies and personalities.

 

Her major reasons for leaving me being:

- I'm not responsible. I admit throughout the first couple of years when I was still a student, I had irresponsible moments. I didn't really learn to cook for myself despite living alone and did not focus on chores as a priority. However, I've changed and tried to improve myself after finally finding a job. I've been doing more chores, and she has always been with me in terms of helping me grow as a person (in terms of life experience). However she tells me she felt as if it's too late and she fell out of love with me. I am still growing as a person but she does not want to be with someone who is growing, but someone who is already self sufficient and able to take care of themselves. Now I know she is a very responsible person, and some would say she is definitely adult like and mature for her age, but because of this she also thinks I am very immature when I am trying my best not to be and I am growing.

 

- She likes to talk about my flaws a lot to her co workers, most of them I have never talked to or even met. She tells me everyday that 'everyone' thinks she deserves better and that we should not be together. It really hurt and felt unfair to me that she takes these comments very seriously when she knows I have given her my world. I always put her first and made sure she knew I loved her dearly.

 

- She recently decided for a life change with her career. She says that she needs to move away for a while and be comfortable with herself. That she has never had a chance to be single, and that I am holding her back. I have always supported her in anything and everything and this just really confuses me.

 

- All in all, her reasons for leaving me is not because as a partner, I am bad. In fact, she very clearly tells me that that I am very good partner who has always been there for her. However, she says we are not compatible because she wants a self-sufficient partner to take care of her and that as an adult, she is much better than I am. She does not want to grow with me because she feels like she can't.

 

It's heartbreaking thinking of the reasons she wants to leave me. Her previous partners treated her like dirt, one cheated and the other one crushed her heart. She gave them everything. But fast forward to our relationship, she admits I'm the best partner she had and out of all of them, I deserved her loved and commitment the most but she cannot provide it to me because I was just something she 'nurtured', that we are merely stepping stones for each other, and that most of all, she has only even seen me and loved me as a 'best friend'.

 

I told her that your partner should be your best friend. And that I will eventually grow into my responsibilities naturally. But she does not want to wait and instead, want to move on from us.

 

She also has anger issues as well.... she can be very mean and harsh when we have stupid arguments. Calling me names, making me feel low, and telling me I'm am embarrassment to be with. But she can be also very sweet to me at times.

 

After we broke up, we still live together. Initially, we had a fight and we broke up. We were cold to each other but I still wanted to try with her. She told me there was no trying and that we just were not compatible and that she has no romantic feelings for me (even though we have been cuddling and kissing on her accord, for the past 3 years we've dated). After that, we both gave in and started pretending to date again, with her holding my hand, kissing me, telling me she missed me. But every single time things for a little rough and we have a disagreement, she says I need to move out and reminded me we are not together.

 

We go into this pattern for 3-4 months of me not knowing what we are. And now she is very adamant once again, because of her wanting to leave the country for a while to 'move on', to explore and be happy being alone with herself. She even took me out on a valentines date! Her reason being is that she already paid for it and did not want to waste the money. But she also could have invited others as it could have been a group thing. But remained very adamant that it has to be me she went with, despite telling me that she plans to "leave" me when she finally travels out of the country for a few months. I even said no, I can't go because it would just leave some bad memories. We still went, sigh.

 

She tells me many times that she is only cuddling me and with me because she is simply afraid to be lonely. That she wants me to be with her at various events because she doesn't want to be alone. That she still wants to do all the things we have planned as a couple, but only as best friends. And hopes that I can still be her best friend despite knowing how I felt.

 

We still live together and it's only recently that I decided I really need to move on from this relationship where she openly admits she does not love me the way I deserve to be loved. She says she is leaving me for my own good and it's best for both of us. And the typical lines of, 'You deserve better' and 'It's not you, it's me.'

 

I truly love her deep down and even until now, I know we can work it out, but for a while now I have been the only one fighting for this relationship. She can also be very degrading at times, telling me how she is way out of my league, that we are not equals (she is much better than I am).

 

It's a really tough time right now because part of me wishes she will regret it. That she'll realize that I truly showed her unconditional love which is hard to come by, that love is more important than not being as responsible as one should be, but improving.

 

When I'm in a relationship, I will give it my all without giving up. It's always been how I am. She said I was a rebound at first but then I was not after a while. She is fully over her ex now (we went through so much ex drama and her wanting to go back to her in the first year). But 2 years later I had always thought we were holding strong. I was content. Yes we had fights and not everyone is going to be a good communicator when they are angry, but to me, most of those fights were trivial.

 

I'm stuck in a phase of I want to move on from someone who says I take them for granted (when they even admit that I love them more than they love me) and someone who makes me feel like I am not good enough for them....but I am also wanting them back because I feel like deep down inside they do love me. But they don't know it because they confuse contentment with boredom.

 

It's a terrible place to be stuck in. She isn't horrible to me. She can be very considerate and I know she cares about me. But I guess I just don't believe she does not love me (she gets jealous if she thinks I'm going out on a date and she wants to cuddle and spend time together at home).

 

I'm not sure if I should just set my boundaries of limited contact while at home with her. It hurts not being able to even 'act' like a couple again, but I know that would be just letting her have her cake and eating it too.

 

 

Long story short...she says she deserves someone better and says I'm not good enough, despite me showing her unconditional love and willingness to do anything and change for the better for her.

 

I told her that if all she needs is someone to satisfy her loneliness, it could be anyone, why me? Apparently it just has to be me by her side. She even cried one time when I refused to go to a party with her because I was trying to move on and not spend time with her. Still went.... to make her happy.

 

She keeps on telling me these days that she wants to find someone else better for her. That I should move on and find someone better for me. I've always felt we were good for each other, that we have the same morals, views, hobbies, and interests. We really do have fun together. We really do know each other really well... And I've accepted all of her flaws, big and small. She just has not accepted mine.

Edited March 18, 2017 by Afgl

[Zahara]

Move out as soon as you can. The writing was on the wall at the beginning of this relationship as you stated it was always up and down and you've always felt like a rebound. You stayed hoping things would change. It hasn't so it's time to face that reality. You both may have a lot in common but when it comes to emotional compatibility, there isn't any on her side. Unrequited love is painful but the sooner you eject, the sooner you'll heal and move on.

[CupCakess]

I think she is quite cruel, and the sensible thing you should realise is why on earth would you want to be with someone like her.

 

I presume you girls are young (in your 20's maybe?) because she really does act like a very immature person towards you.

 

You mentioned she is considering a career move, and changing her life. She is probablyh acting extra mean as a way to break up. Perhaps because she is moving away she is trying to push you apart, without her having to actually face her responsability in the break-up.

 

I do admit though that I know of a similar situation. A friend of mine dumped his GF because he was planning on moving to europe to pursue a complete different career path at the age of 28, an he was extra mean to her 3 months before he left. It was as if he wanted to make her hate him. He is also a douche, just like your gf.

[preraph]

I know you view yourself as nicer than her other partners and think that that ought to be enough, but it's not. If a person isn't really that attracted to you, no matter how you bend over backwards trying to be perfect, you can't change that. You need to accept that this is not within your power.

 

I am worried about you because you have let this become so unbalanced by trying to put up with so much as if that is a virtue. That will only make someone lose respect for you! Because you don't respect yourself! When you keep sinking lower and lower to try to please someone, it doesn't raise you in their eyes, but it lowers you because it's not something they would do and is kind of humiliating for you and makes you look very desperate. If you have done some real work on yourself, that is great, but if all you have done is try to tailor yourself to be someone she can love, that was a waste of time.

 

You can't make someone love you and be attracted to you. If you keep being the one to accept scraps, you will always attracted people to you who will just use you and not treat you right.

[Afgl]

Thank you for the replies everyone. I am pretty resolute now. I realize that if she can't love me or appreciate who I am after all this, I deserve better. Time and time again I keep on trying hoping that I won't be taken for granted. It happens often where if I do something she would do, I get yelled at for it. But if she does the same, it's alright. I'm tired of all of this on and off love of hers and I know I deserve to be loved and respected. It's hard moving on because I know she is my comfort zone and I still love her a lot. But I'm distancing myself now and will try my best to move on. If she believes the grass is greener and she can do better because I am 'below' her, then she can think that. As for me, I will heal.

[preraph]

You do deserve someone who loves you back, but you won't find that by staying with someone who doesn't. Try to remember not to be party to letting the relationship get unbalanced. Don't overgive or give too soon. Take baby steps and see if they were reciprocated and appreciated. Build balance in the relationship and don't stick around for feeling taking for granted or with someone who can't accept all you have to give graciously and return in kind. Good luck. I know it sucks.

[Afgl]

Hello,

 

From my previous post, I've stated that I'm trying my best to move on despite feeling a rollercoaster of emotions while being near my ex. A brief summary:

 

1. We are both girls in the early 20s. We have been together in a LTR for 2.5 years.

2. It's always been on and off with her (and she wears the pants) and I have felt like I have spoiled her and given her too much power in this relationship.

3. She tells me she was never attracted or in love with me.

4. She tells me the major reason she wants to leave me is because I'm not "responsible" or "self-sufficient" (despite me doing most of the chores...)

5. I'm sick of her telling me how "everyone" thinks she deserves better when it's mostly her co-workers who she complains to. They have a bias view of me because of her and I have not even met any of them!!

6. She broke up with me. I have given all of my emotional investment into this relationship while she has not.

 

All in all, regardless of all of that, I'm trying my hardest to move on. Moving out is an option I have considered but we are both financially not ready for that. For the mean time I have to live with her.

 

I'm looking for advice on HOW to deal with all this emotional turmoil while with her.

 

We used to do everything together. But now I get very hurt and anxious when she does her own thing (that we used to do together), such as watching shows, play games, etc.

 

I decide that we should not talk at all unless it's important, but that hurts me too. We only have one bed and a very uncomfortable sofa, so we still sleep in the same bed. Just today when we woke up, she tells me she is depressed about something (not related to our relationship) and wants comfort. I give in, unfortunately.

 

How do I make this work??? I get so weak because I love her so much but she does not seem to love me at all or care at all. Yet she tells me she doesn't like me ignoring her or my lack of response. I don't like it either but it's killing me inside knowing that eventually I will move out and we will walk separate roads and being 'close' (which is what she still wants to be) will just hurt me in the end.

 

I want to not give in and shut down all emotions like she does. She admits she can not feel, she can be VERY cold and apathetic if she needs to be. But I cannot do that and it pains me a lot. It's tough.