Crews Posted March 18, 2017 Posted March 18, 2017 So my girlfriend of four and a half years just up and left almost two weeks ago (SHE HAS DONE THIS BEFORE). We have an almost two and a half year old baby girl and she is the greatest thing ever and I love her to death. Here is my dilemma. My (newly) ex girlfriend said the reason why she left is because she's not happy with anything. Not just me, but ANYTHING!! When she said that I was blown away, like totally flabbergasted. We have had our ups and downs just like any couple. There was only one or two times in the last year that we actually argued but it was about small things and nothing to lose sleep over really. We talked about getting married and I planned on doing it this year. Whenever we had problems between us we always worked them out, always!!. I lost my job back in September for reasons I could not control and she was very accepting of that and was by my side 100 percent through that, no argument there. I talked to her for a bit the day after she left and she said that she just "doesn't see it working out, maybe in the future if the spark is back". So I let it go and just let it simmer a bit. So I go to drop my daughter at her parents house where she is staying a couple days later. My mom started a bunch of stuff with her so when I seen her I apologized for it. I brought up some things that were on my mind and told her how much I love her and how important she and the baby were to me, that I could see us growing old together and that if I was as distant with her as she said i was I was sorry and I was working on myself. Again she said she A. Didn't know B. Doesn't see it happening and C. Maybe in the future if there is a spark again. So I was crushed. Couldn't eat (which I cannot get any skinnier than I already am haha), couldn't sleep. I just sat around hoping that she and the baby would just magically appear out of nowhere. Two or three days go by and she tells me that she has to drink when the baby is with me because she can't stand to be away from her. So I go into my whole breathless spiel again. Telling her even more about how I want a family with her and only her. About how i want to help her through this and that it takes everything i have not to just grab her and hold her and tell her everything is going to be ok. How everything I've ever said to her was true and not just something that she wanted to hear. How I only want to treat her the way that I know she should be treated. And for her to never have to worry about anything ever again. She really didn't say much, just like the last few times I have talked her ear off. Just that she doesn't want to right now and that she doesn't see it working out. I could tell maybe i kinda hit somewhere this time because she looked like she wanted to cry and then she just said thay she had to leave. So she goes to get in the car and i told her that i loved her, but she didnt say it back which i didnt expect her to. I just wanted her to know. Her relationship before she met me was terrible. Her boyfriend cheated on her constantly, belittled her, called her names and actually got another girl pregnant. I'm just going to say right now I have never cheated on her emotionally or physically, never ever laid a hand on her or have ever called her a derogatory name ever. I just don't know what to do anymore. It tears me up inside when I get ready to go to bed and they're not in the bedroom. My daughter, she is the number one priority but I just cannot help to think about her mother even when I am with my daughter. It sucks, because she is not giving me anything to go off of. I don't know whether to just sit back and wait for her and keep trying to better myself or whether I should just move on and not even bother with her anymore and keep bettering myself. Any insight helps. I'm going insane!!!!!!
basil67 Posted March 18, 2017 Posted March 18, 2017 I'm so sorry you're in this situation. But you need to stop begging and pleading. If she's going to come back to you, it needs to be because she wants it and not because you've persuaded her into it. Not to mention that begging and pleading is not going to attract her to you. The fact that she's run away before before strongly indicates that she will do it again. IF she wants to come back, do not accept her back unless she's worked with a mental health professional and made significant changes to her outlook. You gave the wrong reply when she told you that she drinks when her daughter is with you. I think you would have been far better either a) suggesting she start attending AA or b) saying "Well this situation was your choice. Don't come complaining to me about it". But DO NOT give her sympathy or support or beg her to return when she complains about the outcome of her choices. You may also want to consider getting a formal custody agreement in place. Aim for 50/50.
ExpatInItaly Posted March 18, 2017 Posted March 18, 2017 How many times has she left before, and for what reason(s)? The fact that this isn't the first break-up indicates there are deeper problems here, and that for whatever reason, she's really not happy or fulfilled in the relationship. It doesn't necessarily mean you did something wrong. You could be the greatest boyfriend in the world but it unfortunately doesn't guarantee that she feels the same way. It's entirely possible that she doesn't feel strongly enough about you to continue. How old are you both? In any event, do as basil67 suggested and consult a lawyer about custody. It is always a good idea to have a formal arrangement in place. 1
Author Crews Posted March 18, 2017 Author Posted March 18, 2017 Yeah that's what I've basically come to. Just going to do the no contact thing for a while and see what happens, besides when it's about the baby. Im 30 by the way. She tried talking to me yesterday about some things but not us. And I just didn't give her any attention at all. Even if it was about us I wouldn't of given her any attention. And I could tell that it bothered her somewhat. Her mom talks to me about it occasionally and she has no idea what she's doing and her and her mom are very very close. Her mom said she is basically "being stupid and making the biggest mistake she's ever made". She has a lot of emotional issues, I knew that from the get go. She has had stuff happen to her that no woman should ever have happen. And I knew that and when she just got so overwhelmed about the past I was always there to talk with her about it and talk her through it. I really in all actuality think that she is not happy with herself and that a little part of it might be me. That last couple of times she left it was just a few days and it was pretty much the same stuff. And whenever she came back it was always that she is not happy with herself or that I don't talk about my feelings. Which I have anxiety and depression problems so sometimes that grabs a hold of me and I kinda just get in my own little world for a day or two. But I come back to reality and I talk to her and let her know what's going on with me. And by no means am I saying that if this is permanent she is never going to be able to do better than me. The road she is traveling does not look very bright though. Her best friend basically did the same thing to her fiance and the father of her child a few months ago. Just up and left. But this guy was verbally abusive. She ended up hooking up with a handful of guys after and now she is with this "kid" that doesn't have a job, takes Xanax and parties all the time and has another girl pregnant. And she is still living with her ex fiance and doing all of this while he is gone. I just know that this girl is not making a very good impression on my ex. And I always got along with her. If her and her son needed a place to stay I always let them stay at my place until she was ready to go home. So I know that I didn't do anything to make her hate me. It's just sucks because I want to help my ex and I don't want her to make the same mistakes that her bestfriend is making. Plus it drives me crazy thinking that she is out hooking up with guys and that sort of thing. But that just human nature for me to think that way really.
d0nnivain Posted March 18, 2017 Posted March 18, 2017 You have a child. You don't get the luxury of NC. You have to find a way to communicate with the child's mother for the rest of your life. Talk to a lawyer about child support & visitation. Keep the lines of communication open with her mother, your child's grandmother. Your priority has to be what's best for your baby. 1
Author Crews Posted March 18, 2017 Author Posted March 18, 2017 I know that I have to do what's best for the baby, and I do that. The little girl never has to worry about anything emotionally or physically because she gets all the love she could ever ask for and more. I'm not doing anything about custody or child support at this moment. I get to see her everyday and she stays with me five days out of the week and I buy her anything she needs. If the time comes where I see something I don't like or I think she is an unfit mother, I will do anything to make sure that little girl is not hurt or effected by anything.
ExpatInItaly Posted March 18, 2017 Posted March 18, 2017 I know that I have to do what's best for the baby, and I do that. The little girl never has to worry about anything emotionally or physically because she gets all the love she could ever ask for and more. I'm not doing anything about custody or child support at this moment. I get to see her everyday and she stays with me five days out of the week and I buy her anything she needs. If the time comes where I see something I don't like or I think she is an unfit mother, I will do anything to make sure that little girl is not hurt or effected by anything. Do you not feel that her only seeing her mother two days a week will affect her? Don't get me wrong, it's good that you're stepping up and being a father first. I'm curious as to why her own mother sees her so little, though. What is your ex doing with all this free time?
d0nnivain Posted March 18, 2017 Posted March 18, 2017 If you have primary custody maybe mom owes you child support. It's not just about you paying. 1
spiderowl Posted March 18, 2017 Posted March 18, 2017 I am so sorry. She is saying at the moment that she does not see a future with you. She has checked out at this point. I say 'at this point' because that seems to be how she is feeling. If she is going to change her mind, it won't be because you keep telling her how much you love her and the baby and want to be with her. It will be because she has experienced life away from you and from your adoration. It must be incredibly hard for you to be going through this. I think you need to take a step back, assume she is gone, and work on that basis. Do not try to get her back, it just puts pressure on her and she will not be able to sort out her feelings. You know, there could be someone better for you out there. Someone who loves you as you love her, who wants to be with you, and who appreciates all your try to do for her. Maybe this one is not right for you. She has walked out before. You can't live your life wondering if she is going to do this again and again, even if she gets back with you. Think about the possibility of how a love could be and compare your relationship with that. You relationship with her is not how you would like it to be, no matter how much you wish that. It will take time to get to grips with what is happening here. Because your girlfriend came back last time, you might be thinking she will do so again. No-one can know that and it would be best for you if you assumed she is not going to. At least you can try to pull yourself out of this trap of trying to make it work with her, which must be very painful in itself.
Author Crews Posted March 19, 2017 Author Posted March 19, 2017 well here's an update. The ex is now super jealous and super hurt because she thinks I am seeing someone else. went to the store to pick the baby up and told her I had to get a couple things. For some odd reason she thinks that I bought a box of condoms and are having sex with someone else. Did I tell her I wasnt? NO.... The way I see it, she hurt me more than anything so she can sit and bathe in it for a few. Is it the right thing to do? Depends on who you ask. Do I feel bad she thinks that and is now hurting like I was? Kinda. Am I going to say anything? Maybe, depends on what her move is eventually. I was told that she had the bright idea of wanting to date a total frickin' goofball. The KID has 6 yes I said 6 kids and a girlfriend with one on the way, he is a convicted felon, has no job, no car, no form of income. Well I guess that idea was shut down awfully quick and she is not talking to him anymore, from what I've been told and seen. Said that he was nice to her so that's why she thought about it. Which we all know what ALOT of men really want with a girl, did I mention he has 6 KIDS!!!!! I wonder, if he was nice then what have I been this whole time and even during this break up. She had a flat tire this morning. Drove to her work, left her my truck and took it home and fixed it. I think things are starting to sink in though. She has been putting alot of stuff on social media saying that she's stupid for doing something and doesn't know what's going on and all of this other stuff. I know exactly what is about. I want born yesterday. 1
Author Crews Posted March 19, 2017 Author Posted March 19, 2017 Ooh and she works like 3 days a week. What does she do with the rest of her time. I have no idea, probably spending it with the great person who is her best friend and all of the winners that she hangs out with *cough* 6 kids *cough*. (They are all like this btw) they have kids with different women, early 20's, no jobs at all between any of them and they all think they're hard because they're white and grew up in the streets with a majority African American population . And you know I have come to the realization that yeah she might not come back this time. That this is going to be the last of us. I hope she does, and will I take her back? More than likely. Am I naive and just have blinders on and am not seeing the big picture or don't want to see it? I don't think I am. I know most people who read this will say I'm being dumb or I'm just thinking about what I want. Yeah maybe I'm dumb but it's not about what I want, its what i think is best for my child and what i think is best for my ex. I don't want to wake up one day and see that she got the crap kicked out of her or she was killed or is missing, because then the person that matters most will not have their mother growing up.If I get hurt again then it is my fault and it's not the first time and probably not the last. But know this, if she does come back somehow, it will be different. I will not take her back until we get everything out in the open about the relationship and actually talk about it instead of leaving. 6 kids.......
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