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Effects of Emotional Incest

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I have been in several abusive relationships in my life. In recent therapy I have realized that it is connected to the intense emotional incest I experienced as a child and teenager. I am wondering if any of you can relate to the following experiences, and, if so, if you have any thoughts to share:


My mother was molested by her sister's brother (my uncle) and he was around me quite a bit as a young child. He molested all four of his children and I found out about it when I was ten years old when my mother was talking about it with her sister (they thought I was asleep).


I was always creeped out by this uncle and to this day do not know if he molested me or my sibling.


My mother had inappropriate boundaries around my brother and I. She walked around without clothes on and even changed her feminine products in front of us until my brother was a teenager. She had sex with different men in the vicinity of his room (he could hear) and then she "slut shamed" me after I was raped (although she never asked if I was raped or tried to get me treatment.) She assumed I was promiscuous when in fact she slept with different men.


My father was an alcoholic and emotionally absent but would tell me that he thought I was his soul mate and that he loved me more than anyone else. He took me out with his friends and it often felt like I was his wife or partner. This was when I was 15 and this freaked me out. Around this time he tried to choke me at least twice and I reported him to the police once because I was too afraid to go home after school.


I am concerned about all of these emotionally incestuous incidents in my youth. I do not think I could process the terror I felt at the time they happened. I am beginning to realize that they have affected me more than I have ever known.


Yesterday morning I woke up thinking I was having a heart attack...(I am only 39). I had to call 911. It was the worst panic attack of my life and I have C-PTSD and have had numerous panic attacks before. I believe my huge panic attack is related to dealing with this horrible material from my past.


Has anyone else had similar experiences? Has anyone had success recovering? I have two therapists and a support group but I still feel as if I may never recover. Now that I see these creepy dynamics in my family (in addition to alcoholism, physical, emotional, and verbal abuse, and narcissistic father...) I am gun shy about any type of romantic relationship. I am not looking for anything romantic at this time. I just want to heal. But it scares me how far backwards I feel. Like I am traveling back in time to pick up the pieces of me that were left by the side of the road...


Any supportive thoughts or sharing of similar experiences is highly encouraged.


Peace and much love to all of you.

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I can relate to this on so many levels. Basically, just being young and losing your innocence too soon. Having one trauma which leads to another and another until you feel totally broken, all which kind of "stunts" you from developing as a normal person.


My mom didn't exactly act like yours, but she was kind of promiscuous, chose terrible guys. When things didn't work out I was the one having to do damage control, all while going through puberty and trying to hold on to my youth! No kid should have to suffer through that...What to do when these so called "adults" who you have to follow are not really protecting you?


I'm so sorry any person would have to experience what you went through. I hope you are able to reach a place where you can find peace with the past. Good luck :)

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