Breakup after 3 years, contacting me every day after a week

[hawaiian_robot]

Hi, new to this forum, but I just wanted some impartial eyes to run over this situation? If I miss out anything, just let me know, I'm really trying to give all info instead of cherry-picking the best bits.

 

So ex moved away 1.5 months ago, I still have a PhD thesis to finish so I stayed back. Distance was hard at first, but we started as an LDR, so was just a bit of a readjustment. The week before the breakup I went off a medication (couldn't afford to refill it) and wasn't sleeping, went a bit loopy and was being a bit needy, was pushing for voice/video calls regularly, the night after a video call I wanted to book flights to her city, she wanted to talk about "something important" - which I knew was going to be the breakup conversation. She felt that she was the only thing keeping me together mentally, and felt I was too dependent on her.

 

I started to get a little bit upset, and began almost bargaining, but I managed to step back pretty quickly and accept it as a "break up" rather than just being on a "break", I said that I wanted to not talk for a while, maybe a month, she said a week and see how things are. I wanted to remove all social media contact, that made her a bit sad, but it was basically the first thing I did.

 

Fast forward a week, the hardest it's ever been to not get in contact with someone, but I held up. She texts me in the morning after she finished work "hey. I'm just going to bed now after nights, but I'll text you when I'm up. I hope you're doing good. the cats are really dumb." - didn't respond, but got into a conversation that night. Been texting every day since then, she's the one to initiate things but whatever. Doing my best to not read into it all, but man it's hard!

 

I know you guys can't know for certain, but surely she can't think I'm over things after a week, right? I would like to give things another shot a little bit down the track, not immediately, but also prepared for things to stay as they are, would just need some more sustained no contact before I could move on.

[preraph]

You're not over things? You're who stopped taking your meds and showed her a side of you she doesn't like. I mean, that is no small thing, seeing how it could be in the future if anything goes wrong or the meds stop working or you decide not to take them. I have a feeling she may not just want to be friends so she doesn't feel responsible for your mental health, but you'll just have to find that out. I certainly wouldn't dig in since you really don't have any justification for being mad about this.

[hawaiian_robot]

You're not over things? You're who stopped taking your meds and showed her a side of you she doesn't like. I mean, that is no small thing, seeing how it could be in the future if anything goes wrong or the meds stop working or you decide not to take them. I have a feeling she may not just want to be friends so she doesn't feel responsible for your mental health, but you'll just have to find that out. I certainly wouldn't dig in since you really don't have any justification for being mad about this.

 

Hey preraph, thanks for the reply. Sorry for the lack of any clarification, I meant "not over things" as in still having feelings for her, not that I was ever mad at her for not wanting to deal with me in that situation, I've actually been beating myself up over my mental state in the weeks leading up to the split.

 

She's always offered to help with paying for medication and therapy, I missed out on a couple of sessions of therapy too because of a severe lack of finances as well, and felt embarrassed to ask her or other friends/family for help. Was just in a bad state of mind which spiralled out of control, though I have been working on being a bit more self-reliant and not using others' emotional labour too much, keeping on top of things. Stuff like giving myself space when I need it, forcing myself to work and write, a good work/life balance, that kind of stuff.

[teddyzain]

You're not over things? You're who stopped taking your meds and showed her a side of you she doesn't like. I mean, that is no small thing, seeing how it could be in the future if anything goes wrong or the meds stop working or you decide not to take them. I have a feeling she may not just want to be friends so she doesn't feel responsible for your mental health, but you'll just have to find that out. I certainly wouldn't dig in since you really don't have any justification for being mad about this.

 

I'd have to disagree and think this is a selfish perspective. Love is only "love" if its unconditional (of course not in the extreme, eg. violence, abuse, etc.) and if she can't support you through tough times then it really isn't the real thing. Life is all about tough times and your partner and you better be able to weather them together otherwise what's the point.

[elaine567]

Love needs a bond and that bond needs nurtured.

Unconditional love only really occurs between a parent and their child, all other love tends to have plenty of conditions.

 

After 3 years then this relationship needed to go somewhere and that somewhere is usually an engagement, marriage and then kids.

Here your gf decided to take your relationship down a different path, an LDR path, she introduced distance,that was the first weakening of the bond.

 

She is then in a new environment and as a young person she will be exposed to lots of temptations, friends, fun and other men. Even if she spent all her time in her room she will be envious of others who can hug, cuddle and have sex with their bfs 24/7 if they want to. Second weakening of the bond. Physical closeness, smell and touch nurtures the bond.

 

Then you went "strange" on her and that broke the bond completely. The only communication she had left with you was seeing and hearing you via the video link. She didn't like what she was hearing and seeing, so she bailed.

 

I guess she is now communicating to make sure you are OK mentally and not because she wants to get back with you.

Sorry!

Grieve, heal and move on is my advice.

[hawaiian_robot]

After 3 years then this relationship needed to go somewhere and that somewhere is usually an engagement, marriage and then kids.

Here your gf decided to take your relationship down a different path, an LDR path, she introduced distance,that was the first weakening of the bond.

 

We'd discussed all that and were pretty firm on not having kids, and also not being into the marriage thing either. That came up pretty early on in the piece, actually, was really great to find someone else that didn't want those things.

 

I guess she is now communicating to make sure you are OK mentally and not because she wants to get back with you.

 

I can see that, and this might be my bias coming into it, but it just seems like a lot more contact than just seeing how I am, I dunno how to explain it, it's pretty close to how I think we've always texted? I'm really not a good objective source of info on this tbh.

 

I'd have to disagree and think this is a selfish perspective. Love is only "love" if its unconditional (of course not in the extreme, eg. violence, abuse, etc.) and if she can't support you through tough times then it really isn't the real thing. Life is all about tough times and your partner and you better be able to weather them together otherwise what's the point.

 

I can see both yours and elaine's points, it's one thing to be there for a partner, but there also needs to be a bit of a responsibility on the more unwell partner to do things to keep up their mental health, especially when even the more stable partner has their own problems too. I've noticed that women especially shoulder the burden of "emotional labour" more than men, there's a greater expectation that they should just do that stuff, which I kinda balk at?

[elaine567]

We'd discussed all that and were pretty firm on not having kids, and also not being into the marriage thing either. That came up pretty early on in the piece, actually, was really great to find someone else that didn't want those things.

 

Yes, I guess she didn't want those things too, or she really did and with you not being keen, she moved away instead.

Introducing distance into the equation can be the first step to breaking away. It can remove the intenseness from a relationship and make it easier to eventually pull the plug for a person who is emotionally attached but who knows long term it can't work.