What would you do? l feel like giving it up.

[Chilli]

Hi people.

Some might have seen l've been in a LDR for well over 12mths now.

We have some problems but working them through l'm pretty sure my concerns were just a time thing and things have blossomed in fact with lots of talking it out and working through. We're closer than ever in fact and with some very deep new found respect and understanding.

We've also have lots of uncanny stuff between us since the day we met. Things l've only ever had with one other, ex wife, before life went wrong after 19yrs but these things with gf are even more so.

 

We've only been able to spend a bit over 3mths together all up but right through she's talked about moving over within a yr or 2 from now. She has work issues she can't just walk away from any sooner and so we've planned on riding things out until then just as we have been.

 

l'm in Australia she's in the States but she can fly for free with her job so coming over doesn't cost much.

The first part of our plan meantime because she hated where she was living anyway and it was all filled with ex memories so she wanted to get the hell out of there. Was that she'd move across to the West Coast, l won't say where.

But that puts her roughly 7-8 hours closer to me and with only one direct flight to here and no changing. Don't get me wrong , the move wasn't only all about us, she wanted a new start too.

 

The thing is, l've been worried about her move and us because l feel in time she'll just fall in love with California and where l've just bought a house after getting through my divorce 4yrs now ,and to stay close to my daughter , is ok but it can't compare or compete with Cali.

We've talked about it a lot and in 2yrs when my daughter is 18 we could move down the cost to a beautiful area here with lots to offer and a great size town. But l feel like meantime her life there will develop there and she'll probably even meet someone else and love the area more and more too.

 

As much as l love her and things we have, l know they are irreplaceable,l couldn't get that lucky again a 3rd time in life if we didn't work out. BUT, l also feel with her move , she's there now and settling in as we speak, absolutely loves it and raves about it everyday.

l'm happy for her, she's been through hell in the last 4yrs but, l just feel the writing is also on the wall for us now.

We're still as strong as ever and still talking about our plans every day and to my surprise every day she still talks about her next trip over and how she just can't wait.

But l just feel like the inevitable is gonna happen and she'll drift away in time into her new life there and there won't be a damn thing we can do about it in the end.

l just feel like that's gonna happen no matter how much she loves me it just will and in the end it will be just too bigger thing for her to leave and start again over here.

 

So l know it sounds negative but l feel like we should just call it quits now and except the inevitable.

Do it now , while we're still use to being apart 70% of the time, while she's filled with the excitement of her new town .

l feel if we do her next visit and more after, it's just gonna lead to an even bigger broken hearts in just delay it , bc life will happen over there and that will just be that.

Where as our thing is hard and involves huge things on her part like moving over, all the travel in the meantime, me going there or her here, the time apart in between, life at each end for us both.

l feel we should just not even do her next visit, just finish it before we get in even deeper .

 

What do you think , would l be crazy , or just doing the best thing for us both ?

 

We have talked about it a lot she knows how l feel , she knows too l'm happy for her finally getting away from the ex ghosts and the sh@thole as she calls.

But she says it's not going to matter. She says she'd live in Zimbabwean for us if she has too and at the end of the day it's all about being with the person you love, that's what matters most in life.

She says yeah she loves Cali but it always was just going to be a stepping stone closer to us and that's been it's purpose more than leaving her past or anything else..

And l love her for that so much, her guts, attitude,and spirit, is just mind blowing. But she's gorgeous and although she's certainly not most mens cup of tea once they get to know her, shes very unusual , they'll be trying to start though and that's for sure. They won't have our thing but by then we'd be all over anyway.

Her transfer with work came through , her place in the sh@thole sold , she's got a beautiful new place in Cali now and she's all set.

That's the reality right now and l just feel that in the end that will win the war, face it now !

Don't let it go on for years, heartbreak and wast precious time for us both.

 

Am l crazy ?

Edited March 18, 2017 by Chilli

[Quiet Storms]

It is really a very individual decision. Some people just can't do LDRs. Trust is a huge issue, and it seems you don't trust her, despite what she is saying (that California is just a stepping stone towards being together).

 

I think you should think very hard about what it is you want, and why you are having these thoughts. Are you afraid of getting hurt? If so, you need to decide if it's worth the risk. Are you subconsciously looking for a reason to end the LDR? If that's the case, then maybe the timing is right for it.

 

No one can tell you what to do, and your girlfriend is saying all the right things and is giving no indication that she wants to change her plans. It all comes down to what you want and what kind of risk you are willing to take.

 

Honestly, I've never understood why people who are supposedly in love let geography stop them.

[Chilli]

Thanks for that QS, appreciated.

l don't really have to think though l already know. l def want her ,us, no question about that.

 

But she says she'll move though she says she'll live on the moon, one day , but that's where l have the problem because next day there's if's and buts. yaknow.

And l do trust her , but it's just life you know, life can also just happen too.

And if that just happened there for her then she'd be crazy to not go for it , really , it;d be a lot easier than our sitch that's for sure.

Or maybe l put another 12-18mths into this but in the end she doesn't wanna leave . l know that's being pretty negative. buttt,

 

Love your attitude though to btw and l can do it on my part, it's just her end that worries me.

Edited March 19, 2017 by Chilli

[Chilli]

Well, so much has happened with us in the last few wks.

In my first thread l worried about serious personality issues but with lots of chit chat and telling it how it is , she apologized and explained so much. l won't really go into it but there were things happening for her and things she was rightly scared sh@tless underneath and stressed about in this and about my feelings. And with so much at stake for her, it was very understandable and really stressing her out.

 

And then with this latest, her move and worries l'd been having, the same.

She'd been holding back so many feelings in certain things and ways , and they were things and contradictions that were making me worry about commitment and the whole shebang and just not making sense.

But basically again deep down just feeling scared and holding back.

 

So much has come out though, it's just been beautiful really and such a relief .

Edited March 24, 2017 by Chilli

[Els]

Which part of Australia do you live in? Honestly, I've been to a few Australian cities and a few Californian ones, and I'm actually confused by your immediate assumption that she'll fall in love with California and never want to go to Australia. Even putting aside your relationship, I don't get why you would assume that. Frankly I would rather live in Sydney, Melbourne, Brisbane or Perth than Los Angeles or Orange County any day. (If you live in a little mining town in the outback then there might be problems... but I'm sure you two can make a compromise where you might relocate to some other part of Australia)

 

Also, you seem to have very little faith in what she says. What else can she possibly do to reassure you? I'm glad you two have talked about it and hopefully come out stronger, but this could just be an issue that you need to work on yourself as well.

[Larryville]

l'm in Australia she's in the States but she can fly for free with her job so coming over doesn't cost much.

 

l've been in a LDR for well over 12mths

 

We've only been able to spend a bit over 3mths together

 

As much as l love her

 

Are people that desperate to “say” they are in a relationship or to be "paired" that they would go thru all this halfway around the world misery?

 

How can you “love” what you don’t see or experience? Or is it the idea? Mental attachment….

 

I would rather live in Sydney, Melbourne, Brisbane or Perth than Los Angeles or Orange County any day.

 

Yup... I’m from California (majority of my family live there NoCal and SoCal) You could not pay me to live there now, businesses are abandoning, the government there is a joke and people making six figure incomes there are just getting buy...

[Chilli]

Thanks for that El. appreciated.

l'm just in from the Great Ocean Rd, Vic, few hours up from Melbourne. Beautiful area actually but l just didn't think it could compare to there though.

But as long as l can stay within an hour or two of my daughter though when l've finished this house, yeah we'd be free to move to many other spots if we wanted and there's some nice ones to choose from so l'm willing if she prefers. We can't wait to get more time actually to show her around and that'll help.

But you nailed it yeah and that's pretty well around some of the stuff she said too, that l shouldn't doubt her so much. She knows in words she's been a bit contradictory, but only because deep down as brave as she sounds on the surface , she is scared and putting huge stuff on the line.But if l look at her actions , they've never wavered and if l look at what she's doing for us they've never wavered either and that is true , she's got me there.

She said too though that l'd been contradicting for her putting out mixed stuff too and that wasn't helping one little bit and it is true, l have, all the same reasons.

 

And thanks Larry but nah it's not about desperate , matter of fact we were both finding out way after divorces and settling into life just fine before we met.

l/d met quite a few girls though but nothing like this. l wasn't too bothered about it though before and neither was she,it just happened so.

Like l was saying to someone just yesterday, you don't get to choose who you fall for , it chooses you well , that's about it.

But yeah it is 2/3 LD right now but hey, l knew when l met ex wife within a day or two, minutes even, l'd marry her. Yep we've split now but 19yrs later life and stresses, that sh@t can really take it's toll on a couple.

So 3mths together is actually 90 times more than the time it took with ex, if ya look at it that way .

 

Anyway she can stay in 3mth stints in the future now too so we can't wait to have that kinda time, see what happens from there l guess before anything too drastic.

But yeah, there sure are easier ways to go though that's for sure but,,,!!!.

Edited March 24, 2017 by Chilli

[Chilli]

So hard to know how to handle this from here.

We have so much , yet it is so complicated to build a future together.

Especially as she likes to be closer to cities than where l've just bought my new place finally after going through divorce.

Known a lot of women in my life though but have only loved two , gf and ex w.

 

Love doesn't grow on tress, and our thing certainly doesn't grow on trees.

l won't find this again in my lifetime , if there was anyone else it would def;' be a trade down, a big one , that l'd have to except if l don't persist with gf.

[Chilli]

Funny thing about gf , her courage and guts , whole attitude is just mind boggling and admittedly l admire the hell out of her in those ways.

 

When we talk about all this stuff she just says just play it by ear chilli , if we have to live under a tree then so be it, it's worth it, we'll sort it out.

Thinks nothing of flying across the world for us.

And this is a chick that could pretty well take her pick if she wanted to.

 

Admittedly though , it'd be lowering the bar for sure if it wasn't us just like it would for me.

[Els]

Breathe. Relax. Trust her (unless she gives you a reason not to).

[Chilli]

Excuse me to btw folks , just sorta journaling and thinking out loud l guess but none the less feel free to jump in .

 

But yeah , it is true. l am worried about being hurt also . One divorce is enough to go through in this lifetime for me and she does have 8yrs on me so she can afford a bit more time .

 

Sounds like more excuses from me doesn't it.

[Chilli]

Breathe. Relax. Trust her (unless she gives you a reason not to).

 

Thanks El , glad you dropped in and said that, that's what she's always telling me.

But nope, she hasn't budged once, not once, since the day we met.

Guess that means this is all me right