Recovering and regaining trust

[Pb2fi]

Hey guys

 

So I've been with my bf for 1 1/2 years now. I love him so much, he's a great person, and we have so much in common. We've had a pretty good relationship. I recently moved across the country to be with him, dropped everything because I saw something in him that I didn't want to give up.

 

Seems like everything's good so far, but the thing is, I've always dealt with anxiety. Growing up, my parents were very harsh people. I had to be a certain way and if I wasn't, the name calling began. Because that was all I knew, that's how I viewed relationships to be: conditional. During the entire time that we were together, I was dealing with financial issues and feeling like I wasn't good enough because of it. I always have to be the best I can possibly be.

 

Before we moved, I'd become insecure only every once in a while, but it didn't happen often. These past few months, I dealt with losing a fitness competition that I worked hard for, being jobless for a couple months, then had more financial issues. All that at the same time made me so insecure about everything, but he stayed patient. Fast forward to moving. I was again jobless for 2 months because I didn't have my license. My insecurity got worse and I became jealous almost every time we went out and said hurtful things. I finally have a job, but it still didn't fix my financial issues.

 

Two weeks ago, I wanted to stop feeling this way and began to see a therapist. It stared to help, but it didn't stop a horrible fight that we had. I was drunk and our fight was the worst it ever was. The next day, my bf wanted to break up and said that it was his last straw that night. I felt horrible. Well he gave me a second chance and we went to couples counseling and it helped a little try to understand each other. We're still together. I'm still talking to my therapist and I've made a lot of changes and learning slowly how to control my anxiety. It's helping a lot. I'm not 100%, but I've made progress.

 

The thing is, we're still distant. I understand that our relationship won't be back to where it was just yet. I understand that I have to work hard to get his trust back. This week, he went from sitting far away to leaning onto me while we were watching TV. He even put his hand on my leg at one point. We're laughing and talking, but I know that we're not very affectionate right now. I'm giving him as much space as I can while I work on myself. This weekend, he'll be out with his buddies and I'm home alone. He gave me a hug before he left. I'm scared to show affection in fear that he'll reject it and I'm also scared to reciprocate when he does show slight affection. Idk what to do and there's still that fear that he'll change his mind.

 

Can a relationship work after trust is lost? How can I show him I love him when he's being distant? He told me that he's just not feeling love right now, that's why he can't be affectionate. I want to become the girl that he fell in love with, but it hurts to know that I pushed him this far. I don't want to lose this man and I know I ****ed up.

Edited March 17, 2017 by Pb2fi

[d0nnivain]

He's healing. Fixes don't happen over night. Say he broke a bone. He'd be in a cast for 4-6 weeks. Here you damaged part of his soul. Just because you can't see it, doesn't mean it fixes any faster than a broken bone.

 

 

Just keep being the loving GF you know you want to be. Show him how much he means rather than tell him, but do tell him too. Leave hidden love notes for him. Text him something loving during the day. Make his favorite meal.

[Pb2fi]

He's healing. Fixes don't happen over night. Say he broke a bone. He'd be in a cast for 4-6 weeks. Here you damaged part of his soul. Just because you can't see it, doesn't mean it fixes any faster than a broken bone.

 

 

Just keep being the loving GF you know you want to be. Show him how much he means rather than tell him, but do tell him too. Leave hidden love notes for him. Text him something loving during the day. Make his favorite meal.

Thank you for replying.

 

I understand that it won't be 100% right away. I know that it hurt him and he actually texted my sister that night and she told me everything he told her, saying he's run out of ways to convince me that he loves me and that all he wants is to be with me. That was also an eye opener.

 

I'm trying to be the girl I was. I usually would make dinner for him, so I've been doing that. Also painted something because he wanted some abstract art on the walls. I was thinking of putting the art up because he's been meaning to do it and put his desk together. I don't move away when he's near or when his arm is touching me or when he's leaning onto me, but I also don't put my hand on his arm like I used to even though I want to. I'm treading very lightly,but idk how lightly I have to go because I want to show affection even if he won't give it right now.

 

I made the mistake of saying that I feel awkward around him right now and idk how to act around him. He said the same, but also said we can't be together if we're not around each other. That makes sense.

[act00]

This is really hard, but affection is a big, major component in a relationship, and he reached out, but you held back. You're "giving him space," and you fear him rejecting you, but he reached out. Reciprocate! And you need to reach out too. It can be simple like touching him in the kitchen while you're maneuvering around each other getting coffee and fixing something to eat, touch his back, arm, shoulder.

 

When he extends affection, take it, and give it back! He's reaching out to you. As fearful as you are, don't be afraid to make small gestures. Put your hand on his arm like you used to. You say he's not giving affection right now, but he IS. He's positioning himself in a way that invites you to touch him like you used to. He doesn't know what to do either, and when you don't reciprocate, it pushes him away. He thinks you don't want him.

 

Rejection is always a possibility. You are working hard to work on your issues, and if you two don't work out in the long run, you don't want to look back and think you didn't do everything you could to salvage this relationship and think, "When he sat close to me on the sofa, I wish I would have touched him."

 

These are baby steps...embrace them, don't shy away.

[Pb2fi]

This is really hard, but affection is a big, major component in a relationship, and he reached out, but you held back. You're "giving him space," and you fear him rejecting you, but he reached out. Reciprocate! And you need to reach out too. It can be simple like touching him in the kitchen while you're maneuvering around each other getting coffee and fixing something to eat, touch his back, arm, shoulder.

 

When he extends affection, take it, and give it back! He's reaching out to you. As fearful as you are, don't be afraid to make small gestures. Put your hand on his arm like you used to. You say he's not giving affection right now, but he IS. He's positioning himself in a way that invites you to touch him like you used to. He doesn't know what to do either, and when you don't reciprocate, it pushes him away. He thinks you don't want him.

 

Rejection is always a possibility. You are working hard to work on your issues, and if you two don't work out in the long run, you don't want to look back and think you didn't do everything you could to salvage this relationship and think, "When he sat close to me on the sofa, I wish I would have touched him."

 

These are baby steps...embrace them, don't shy away.

 

Thank you for replying

 

I guess what happened was that I was afraid it'd push him away. In hindsight, I shouldn't hesitate like I always do. I hesitate a lot and always have throughout our relationship. Before he left for the weekend, I asked him if he could let me know when he leaves so that I could say goodbye. He let me know and he gave me a hug. I wanted to show him some affection today while he's out of town, so I texted him to have a fun weekend and that I love him. He texted back thank you and that he loved me as well. It felt good. I wasnt expecting for him to say it back. I wasn't expecting for him to say it at all for a while. I guess when he comes back on Sunday, I won't hold back and just do without second guessing or doubting. Thank you for that. You're right about not having any regrets and putting my all.

[Curiousroxy86]

Hey guys

 

So I've been with my bf for 1 1/2 years now. I love him so much, he's a great person, and we have so much in common. We've had a pretty good relationship. I recently moved across the country to be with him, dropped everything because I saw something in him that I didn't want to give up.

 

Seems like everything's good so far, but the thing is, I've always dealt with anxiety. Growing up, my parents were very harsh people. I had to be a certain way and if I wasn't, the name calling began. Because that was all I knew, that's how I viewed relationships to be: conditional. During the entire time that we were together, I was dealing with financial issues and feeling like I wasn't good enough because of it. I always have to be the best I can possibly be.

 

Before we moved, I'd become insecure only every once in a while, but it didn't happen often. These past few months, I dealt with losing a fitness competition that I worked hard for, being jobless for a couple months, then had more financial issues. All that at the same time made me so insecure about everything, but he stayed patient. Fast forward to moving. I was again jobless for 2 months because I didn't have my license. My insecurity got worse and I became jealous almost every time we went out and said hurtful things. I finally have a job, but it still didn't fix my financial issues.

 

Two weeks ago, I wanted to stop feeling this way and began to see a therapist. It stared to help, but it didn't stop a horrible fight that we had. I was drunk and our fight was the worst it ever was. The next day, my bf wanted to break up and said that it was his last straw that night. I felt horrible. Well he gave me a second chance and we went to couples counseling and it helped a little try to understand each other. We're still together. I'm still talking to my therapist and I've made a lot of changes and learning slowly how to control my anxiety. It's helping a lot. I'm not 100%, but I've made progress.

 

The thing is, we're still distant. I understand that our relationship won't be back to where it was just yet. I understand that I have to work hard to get his trust back. This week, he went from sitting far away to leaning onto me while we were watching TV. He even put his hand on my leg at one point. We're laughing and talking, but I know that we're not very affectionate right now. I'm giving him as much space as I can while I work on myself. This weekend, he'll be out with his buddies and I'm home alone. He gave me a hug before he left. I'm scared to show affection in fear that he'll reject it and I'm also scared to reciprocate when he does show slight affection. Idk what to do and there's still that fear that he'll change his mind.

 

Can a relationship work after trust is lost? How can I show him I love him when he's being distant? He told me that he's just not feeling love right now, that's why he can't be affectionate. I want to become the girl that he fell in love with, but it hurts to know that I pushed him this far. I don't want to lose this man and I know I ****ed up.

 

 

I am a bit confused on exactly what you did to lose his trust. I don't think I caught it from this intial post. I can only speculate it was the jealousy or the money thing. But assuming you truly agree that whatever you did was wrong and you understand that what you did was the true cause of why he lost trust then just listen to what his complaints are and fix them. the more you address whatever problems he has towards you the more actual evidence you have to rebuild his trust and not just give lip service that will hopefully help in your I don't want to lose him endeavor. don't make excuses. don't argue. dont deflect. just apply what he is saying. and see if he comes around. again I only advise this if you truly believe that a) he is that great AND b) you were that wrong. but if there is any a smidge of entitlement like "he should accept me the way that I am" or "he should work with me" or "he has problems too" or "its because of my anxiety (or insert whatever one can blame their problems on) that I do this and that"....any smidge of that...then your wasting your time and his time and giving him lip service. wanting someone to stay with you and you actually doing what they believe they need from you in order for them to stay with you is a major difference.

 

 

I personally think its a slippery slope. relationships work because both parties accept each others flaws and is not trying to change the person or threatening to leave the other. but when you got one person with the unacceptable flaws and the other wanting to leave. then its a major imbalance. the person with unacceptable flaws have to a) truly believe that their own flaws are truly unacceptable b) they have to actually want to change for themselves AND for the person who wants to leave c) then actually change....they can do all that perfectly and MAYBE the other will stay. they don't have to stay. that takes a major amount of humility to recognize that and do that.....

 

 

consider this very carefully and good luck

[Miss Spider]

It depends on the person, their willingness to forgive, and I suppose how much trust lost. Once trust is broken for me, it's never the same.

[mikeylo]

Not everyone has the ability to forgive and give another chance ( or chances ).

 

It needs lots of inner strength to withstand the hurt, forgive and then give another chance to the same person. Too much to ask for!

 

If you are the lucky one on the receiving end of this, then just give. Thats what a hurt person needs in a situation like this. He isnt asking for it verbally but his broken heart needs just that , to heal.

 

You dont mention the extent of it all and neither your age etc. But its like taking care of a little child at the moment. Lot of tenderness , love and care.