The LoveShack theme: giving up rather than persistence?

[anduina]

Of the threads read, people emphasize the negatives and don't share the positives. The more balanced the information in the opening posts, the more balanced the responses, although you'll likely still get a few negative nelly responses since people are still hurting.

[preraph]

Here's how I see it, and I admit I haven't read all the replies...usually I do, but I'm kind of rushed...sorry.

 

Anyway...

 

The way I see it is, if things are dire/confusing/uncomfortable/scary enough for someone to literally be reaching out to utter strangers for answers, that tells me that very often (not every single time...I'm sure there are exceptions but I am seeing these as the minority), the issue is somewhat more likely to be a deal-breaker.

 

Let me explain. If it were just a simple question, someone wondering...initial relationship growing pains, which as the OP described always happen...then why wouldn't the input of the poster's family/friends be enough? Because surely s/he has started there.

 

What this tells me is one or more of these possibilities...

 

1. Possibly, the person already cycled through family/friends and they're sick of the same question that doesn't have a resolution...ergo...the question probably doesn't have a resolution...ergo...it's probably unfixable.

 

2. The person may have cycled through family/friends who have flat-out told the person that they've had enough of hearing him/her cry about a relationship that is hurting the person...so now the person has moved on to asking strangers, rather than do the intelligent thing: break up.

 

3. The person hasn't asked family and friends at all because deep down, s/he already knows the answer is that the SO isn't into them/is cheating/won't call/is a player/isn't right for them or...whatever, and they DON'T WANT TO HEAR THAT, so they think couching things in a very careful way on the internet (v. IRL, where family and friends are watching ALL facets of the issue) may give them the answer they want.

 

I don't think the problem is that in general, people give up too soon. I think the problem is that if the person is reduced to carefully wording their situation to total strangers hoping like hell that these strangers will give them some magical new answer v. what they know the real answer is, and that's why they're going on the internet in the first place.

 

Again, this is not EVERY SINGLE case, ere anyone get his/her knickers twisted.

 

But a pretty significant part of the time?

 

Yeah, what I've said above. Sorry, but if you think about it, you know it's true. Sometimes, when we aren't hearing what we want to hear from people who actually know us and are observing ALL the angles of what we're going through, we go running to strangers, looking for backup...for excuses and reasons "not to give up" even if not giving up means disaster.

 

So as I see it, this (not "giving up too easily") is the main reason so many answers on a given relationship forum are to, indeed, just give up. Because even going to total strangers, perhaps hiding details here and there to slant things to our side/argument, the sickness/inherent wrongness/inevitable failure-to-come of the association/issue is still evident, and the answer is still going to be: this isn't right for you...a relationship does involve learning curves and stumbles, but it should never be this much work.

 

^ Exactly.

[compulsivedancer]

I agree. The pressure here to give up is very strong. I also think the emphasis on NC is overblown. There are times that NC is warranted, and times when it's not.

Edited March 19, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
off topic content ~T

[Marc878]

There's a certain naieve notion that you can make someone love you or make them do what you want. For the most part that never works.

 

I think most of the advice around breakups, etc from here is pretty sound.

 

Nothing is ever 100% but in generalities pretty close.

 

Some come here looking for the answer they want to hear not the truth and linger in denial.

 

Nothing like learning the hard way.

[preraph]

I agree. The pressure here to give up is very strong. I also think the emphasis on NC is overblown. There are times that NC is warranted, and times when it's not.

 

I agree. But I do think it's easiest to be NC after a breakup if you have that luxury. Then if you can reformulate a friendship later, fine. I do think it's healthiest to give up when one person really wants out of the relationship and has told you they are not interested in you that way.

[BC1980]

I've been around here for about 4 years now, and I can say that a lot of the posters end up being right in the end. Not all the time but enough to notice. I don't really go into the marriage forums, so I'm speaking of dating couples. I think the advice would be a little different for someone already married. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that people come to LS when they are at the end of their ropes, so the situation is already bad. I know that I never thought I would find myself on a forum like this, but I was in a pretty dark place at the time. And all of the advice I got to go NC was spot on.

 

I think you have to take into account the type of forum this is. If you are looking in the breakup forum, you are going to find situations that are not happy. So the advice will be given accordingly. Like someone else said, the dating forum is different.

[BluEyeL]

In my experience most often than not the answers on forums are usually correct. I do not believe that people give up too soon. It is hard to break up and go into the unknown and people post to find a solution to keep holding on to their relationship although sometimes it is bad.

 

I myself held on for dear life on a relationship/marriage for about 10-13 years after its expiration date. I demeaned and humiliated myself and I had to be pushed far far beyond reasonable limits to finally have to courage to let it go. I wish I went on some forum or to therapy and give up when I was 28 not 41.

 

I don't usually talk to family and friends, especially not with friends simply because everyone gossips and are often not too sad if you're having problems, on the contrary.

[Shanex]

It's true that people don't come here to get 'slammed' everytime they ask for a bit of advices.

 

Personally, I never know when my advices are appreciated unless I get multiple likes in a single post, I can talk about dating, breakups, second chance, friendship, FWBs, relationships. Or unless someone call me out on a bad advice.

 

For obvious reasons I don't hang out at all in the marriage forum because I have zero experience, same with children and my advice would then only be 'here and there' things I have heard and gathered and not backed up with personal knowledge. Doesn't mean no singles should speak about marriage, but someone 'shygun' about it will have more resonance around here. Or a happily married person as well.

[preraph]

I've been around here for about 4 years now, and I can say that a lot of the posters end up being right in the end. Not all the time but enough to notice. I don't really go into the marriage forums, so I'm speaking of dating couples. I think the advice would be a little different for someone already married. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that people come to LS when they are at the end of their ropes, so the situation is already bad. I know that I never thought I would find myself on a forum like this, but I was in a pretty dark place at the time. And all of the advice I got to go NC was spot on.

 

I think you have to take into account the type of forum this is. If you are looking in the breakup forum, you are going to find situations that are not happy. So the advice will be given accordingly. Like someone else said, the dating forum is different.

 

I agree the advice is different for people who were attracted to each other enough and felt enough love that they married than for people just dating. When my friend began saying she might divorce her husband of 3 years, I told her she should at least try to work on it through counseling first. They did and it failed, so maybe I cost her 3 years of freedom, I don't know. Or maybe I kept her from having doubts later that she didn't try hard enough. I don't know.

 

The younger and inexperienced people are, the more idealistic they are. Bad movies and fairytales teach us from a young age that our prince or princess will come and they are the one, so when we first set our eyes on someone we find attractive, we think they MUST love us back because it's predestined, and that's a hard thing to get past. Then stupid movies teach men that it doesn't matter who they are or what they look like, if they persist, some gorgeous woman will fall for their goofy heart. Again, couldn't be further from the truth. And worst of all, young idealistic women refuse to see red flags because like kissing frogs, they believe love will cure whatever is imperfect about the man. And they will spend years trying and failing.

 

I get testy on here sometimes about the subject because I was so obsessive and tried so long and hard and got hurt so bad when I was young trying to get someone to love me like I loved them. It's too hard on a person and just inhumane to encourage anyone to keep trying no matter how hopeless it is or how one-sided. Part of growing up is having to learn how to move on even when you are stranded in love.

Edited March 20, 2017 by preraph

[Arieswoman]

Relationships are supposed to be easy and fun, not full of angst, drama and upset. People spend too much time trying to fit square pegs into round holes. Life is so much better when the peg exactly fits the hole.

..

 

 

This ^^^ x 10,000