kztar Posted February 20, 2017 Posted February 20, 2017 Thanks so much for all the kind words and advice. It's been one month today...well 28 days to be exact lol. It's been a rough cycle. I was in tears for pretty much a week. Then for a week I was completely fine. Totally happy and almost feeling over it. Then Valentine's Day hit and I have been pretttnbleh since then. I'm thinking about him almost constantly. What is he up to and who is he screwing etc. I just feel resolved in being sad. And I'm kind of shut down. I don't want to be around anyone or do anything. And I'm googling EVERYTHING. Stages of grief, love languages, attachment styles etc. I have no idea what to do with myself. I'm so tired of being so sad. And it's not that raging sad where you are crying all the time it's JUST morose feelings. Hopeless, lonely, terrified etc. I am keeping busy but I find myself just looking at the time so I can go home and be alone and sad again. Wtf is that? You're not alone. I thought I was the only person. But yeah i just want to be alone and sad. WTF is that really? UGHHH 1
Author Leni88 Posted February 20, 2017 Author Posted February 20, 2017 You're not alone. I thought I was the only person. But yeah i just want to be alone and sad. WTF is that really? UGHHH Thank you! Everyone always says keep busy etc. I'm totally doing that but I just want to be alone and sad and think about how sad I am. It's so crazy! Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone. I hope things get better for you soon. 1
kztar Posted February 20, 2017 Posted February 20, 2017 Thank you! Everyone always says keep busy etc. I'm totally doing that but I just want to be alone and sad and think about how sad I am. It's so crazy! Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone. I hope things get better for you soon. I've noticed that even by keeping busy in a way you're neglecting your feelings and after you're not busy anymore you're in the same exact place. I just go with the motions and at some point I know that I won't want to be alone. There will come a day when you will have enough and you will Little by little at your own pace really pick up. But thank you. Things will get better for us. There is light at the end of this dark tunnel. We must remain hopeful and positive. Hugs. 1
Maldives Posted February 20, 2017 Posted February 20, 2017 I dont know ur history but hm being a guy I think his got the i dont know wat I've lost til I truly lose u issue. If u haven't done anything wrong and have been loving and he's taken that forgranted I'd say after a while of NC his gonna really regret it. His confusing his overwhelmed feelings of being tyed down to ur love for him. He also doesn't kno wat he wants From the sound of it. Still he's making u go on a roller coaster wich u need to take back for ureself. I've made the mistake his made altho the only reason was i had no doubt I loved my ex who dumped me coincidentally was she had kid's and I didn't and found it hard any way big hugs and stay outta mind outta sight and heal. 1
Maldives Posted February 20, 2017 Posted February 20, 2017 I can for sure say that him doing all those things buying a ring wasn't out of stringing u along i kno i was that guy. He's gota a deeper issue he needs to uncover about his commitment issue. Why do I know this? He is oscillating going bac and forth that's definatly not because he doesn't love u he's confused about wat he's feeling if that makes sense hence the back and forth. U dont stay wth someone for 10 yrs out or feeling sorry for them . Take me for instance 6 yrs wth my current ex who had kids I did the same oscillates back n forth broke up come back and it was mainly around trying to accept her kids it was very difficult but yet I knew how strong my love for her was so I kept trying to figure out a way to accept the whole package. I hope that hives u a little idea about his pysch and thinking. Wen he learns u mean no business and if he was to come back again after this epis one and u were to reject him for good for sure his gonna be devastated.
Maldives Posted February 20, 2017 Posted February 20, 2017 Ok, on reading the other posts I didn't realise his birthday polar I know nothing about that condit ions in a relationship so I'm not quiet sure if my opinion counts but for wat it's worth I wish my ex was u lol because u hung in there I wish and hope to god I can find that quality in a partner because I never have they just give up take my recent ex I went thru hell and back wth her and stuck it out only to be let go wen things improved for her and her needs were met somehwere else. She's a selfish woman she said let her kids go to remain intestate for a better life at the expense of her kids anyway maybe it was a good thing for me once I heal 1
Maldives Posted February 20, 2017 Posted February 20, 2017 Sorry re the spelling errors auto spell lol
Author Leni88 Posted February 27, 2017 Author Posted February 27, 2017 Does anyone have advice about getting out of the denial phase? I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop with my ex. We have broken up in the past and he always comes back. However, this time feels different. It feels like he is really over it. My mother drove past his house (it's in her area) and noticed roses in his window around v-day. I took this to mean he is clearly with someone else (1 month later). And typically he would have tried to get me back by now. But it's been NC. I'm definitely not breaking the NC but some part of me hasn't accepted it's over. I really want to accept it but it's like some part of my brain expects to see an email or phone call from him. And I just want it to stop! I want to stop thinking that and thinking about him ALL the time. 1
SevenCity Posted February 27, 2017 Posted February 27, 2017 Unfortunately all that will help is time. I'm 6 months into NC and there are times I feel like it didn't happen or she'll come to her senses. Again, time..... 3
preraph Posted February 28, 2017 Posted February 28, 2017 It takes self-discipline to stop living your life as if there will be a reunion. You can't edit yourself to please him or hold yourself back from moving on with life because you don't want him to think you're cheating or something. But it's up to you. You have to get sick of living like this and tired of being miserable, and then you have to use self-discipline to stop yourself from processing everything with him included in the picture. You start by deciding you're done, and then you deliberately make plans each week to do things with friends as well as do things alone that make you laugh or feel good. You may want to do some volunteer work or something creative and make a silk purse out of this sow's ear. And do not neglect your body. Get some strenuous exercise to keep the stress from eating you. 2
CollegeKid101 Posted February 28, 2017 Posted February 28, 2017 Does anyone have advice about getting out of the denial phase? I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop with my ex. We have broken up in the past and he always comes back. However, this time feels different. It feels like he is really over it. My mother drove past his house (it's in her area) and noticed roses in his window around v-day. I took this to mean he is clearly with someone else (1 month later). And typically he would have tried to get me back by now. But it's been NC. I'm definitely not breaking the NC but some part of me hasn't accepted it's over. I really want to accept it but it's like some part of my brain expects to see an email or phone call from him. And I just want it to stop! I want to stop thinking that and thinking about him ALL the time. First off, tell your mother you never want to hear anything about him, especially roses at his house on V-Day.. When my girlfriend and I of two years broke up, she slept with another guy a week later..we were the traditional couple that were each other's first everything, but I did not hear of the news until 2.5 months after. I did NOT allow anyone to tell me anything till I healed a bit more, finally I was ready and asked my friend to tell me. It hurt like hell, let me tell you. However, it got me over the hump, had I known a week after the break up, I honestly don't know what I would have done. That's a different story though. I accepted it was over when she moved on by having sex with another guy who we were both mutual friends with. Time can only heal you, although she wanted me back, I denied her and it took about 7 months for me to finally stop thinking about her all the time. I cut her off, blocked her on everything, essentially I made it seem like I never dated her. I was in pain for awhile, I even dated another girl, which I now realize I did to cope with my pain. So do NOT bring anyone into your life right now on a serious level, but go out and enjoy time with friends. Meet new people, but focus on yourself. Get a gym pass, seriously, it helped control my emotions. Go for a run if you start feeling upset or sad, but don't punch the stop signs like I did Are you in school? What's your current situation? Also may I ask how old you are? It will get better I promise. Remember he chose to not be with you any longer, why wait around for some loser to realize your worth? 2
Ronni_W Posted February 28, 2017 Posted February 28, 2017 Does anyone have advice about getting out of the denial phase? You could look at that part of your brain (that wants to stay in denial) as if you're dealing with an unruly and misbehaved child...and, know it's all upon you to be the strict disciplinarian. If you need to take extreme measures with yourself, then take extreme measures -- where the pain of thinking about your ex is worse than the pain of not thinking about him. When I was in a similar situation, it was suggested to me to wear a heavy-duty rubber band around my wrist, and give myself a good hard 'zap' every time my thoughts (and words) went in wrong directions. It didn't take that long for me to train my mind -- *I* got back in control instead of it running me.
Pottig Posted February 28, 2017 Posted February 28, 2017 My girlfriend split up with me just over 2 months ago because she couldn't commit to me but wanted to 100%. I've been going to the gym since the start of the year. Honestly, I can't overstate the positives that exercising gives you. It keeps you occupied, gets you fit and helps you mentally. I still miss my ex. We were perfect for each other but circumstance just got in the way unfortunately. She messaged me just over a week ago about me sending one of her belongings back to her and she told me that she has "met someone else" and is really happy. I'm not that bothered about this new guy (if she's not just lying to me) because, 1) I know I have a bond with her which will never be forgotten, 2) he's probably just there to fill the void, and 3) because all the positives I have gained from keeping myself active at the gym (I also go with friends) takes my mind off the bother. I can't stress it enough: if you haven't already, take up a gym membership! 1
Author Leni88 Posted February 28, 2017 Author Posted February 28, 2017 Thanks guys! It's nice to know I'm not alone. I can't even imagine dating anyone new at this point. Honestly it has gotten better. I think it comes in waves! I was so sad on Sunday but today I feel ok. I'm sad about the loss because I suck a being single. Also it's tough he moved on so quickly. But what can I do about it. I definitely won't be reaching out as I can only imagine how humiliating that would be. I have a gym membership and personal trainer! So I'm definitely busy with that and friends. However, being around people makes me MORE lonely. Go figure. I'm 28. I'll be 29 this year. This guy was my first and only. Pretty much my entire adulthood was with him. He had plenty of relationships prior to me and a child so this is probably no biggie for him but for me it was devastating. All my friends are married now and these ladies were single when we met. I just feel left behind and like I wasted so much time. I'm done with school but going back this spring for my M.A. I work FT and I live in a big city within the states.
preraph Posted February 28, 2017 Posted February 28, 2017 You are going to be fine. You have a big adventure ahead of you. Good luck. 2
CollegeKid101 Posted March 1, 2017 Posted March 1, 2017 Thanks guys! It's nice to know I'm not alone. I can't even imagine dating anyone new at this point. Honestly it has gotten better. I think it comes in waves! I was so sad on Sunday but today I feel ok. I'm sad about the loss because I suck a being single. Also it's tough he moved on so quickly. But what can I do about it. I definitely won't be reaching out as I can only imagine how humiliating that would be. I have a gym membership and personal trainer! So I'm definitely busy with that and friends. However, being around people makes me MORE lonely. Go figure. I'm 28. I'll be 29 this year. This guy was my first and only. Pretty much my entire adulthood was with him. He had plenty of relationships prior to me and a child so this is probably no biggie for him but for me it was devastating. All my friends are married now and these ladies were single when we met. I just feel left behind and like I wasted so much time. I'm done with school but going back this spring for my M.A. I work FT and I live in a big city within the states. Sounds like you have a lot going for you! Nothing is a waste of time: just lessons learned. Great to hear you have a gym membership and personal trainer, you're going to feel ten folds better about yourself once results start really kicking in in a few months. Chances are pretty high he will come back and chase you, even if he has a new girl, it's the rebound effect. He's just trying to distract himself, IMHO. 1
coolheadal Posted March 1, 2017 Posted March 1, 2017 First off don't drive near his house and second you need to let him go. Take care trip just do something you never did with him to get him off your mind, otherwise your going to go downhill real fast... 1
Author Leni88 Posted March 7, 2017 Author Posted March 7, 2017 So it's been almost two months since my break up and WHOA am I feeling better. I'm thinking about him much less and none of it is good. I keep having fantasies about him begging me back and rejecting him. Is two months after a 10 year relationship normal to feel so free? I'm so happy! I'm looking back at the relationship and feeling like I was borderline abused emotionally and at times physically. I'm like wtf was I thinking for all that time. I'm really looking forward to my next relationship but I've already decided I'm not going to actively seek that for at least 6 months. I want to workout, focus on school and travel with my friends for the summer. Has anyone else gone through this after an end to a long term relationship? I'm starting to wonder if I ever really was IN love with him or if I I was just willing to settle. I'd love to hear other experiences or if this is normal or maybe a phase of a break up?
Socash Posted March 7, 2017 Posted March 7, 2017 I did. She dumped me after 6 years and it felt great. I went out with so many other women and was partying every night. Even bought a sports car and a new wardrobe. Then it hit me like a bus after 2 1/2 months. 1
Author Leni88 Posted March 17, 2017 Author Posted March 17, 2017 So today is almost two months since my break up and almost two months no contact and moving out. Today my ex sent me an email letting me know that someone we know mutually passed away on March 1st. Also that he has a package for me. The package makes complete sense but I wasn't super close to the person who passed away and she isn't having a funeral. It just seems odd. And now of course I'm thinking about him and things. I did response. Really briefly told him not to worry about the package and that I could get a new one....although he must have had this for at least a month since my employer changed my info around then and I've received mail at my new address since then. I also told him to give my condolences to our mutual friends husband. I'm just annoyed. This was basically a vent lol. Any thoughts?
Life lessons Posted March 18, 2017 Posted March 18, 2017 So today is almost two months since my break up and almost two months no contact and moving out. Today my ex sent me an email letting me know that someone we know mutually passed away on March 1st. Also that he has a package for me. The package makes complete sense but I wasn't super close to the person who passed away and she isn't having a funeral. It just seems odd. And now of course I'm thinking about him and things. I did response. Really briefly told him not to worry about the package and that I could get a new one....although he must have had this for at least a month since my employer changed my info around then and I've received mail at my new address since then. I also told him to give my condolences to our mutual friends husband. I'm just annoyed. This was basically a vent lol. Any thoughts? I don't know your story but it seems he may be reaching out to see where you stand!?
Author Leni88 Posted March 18, 2017 Author Posted March 18, 2017 I don't know your story but it seems he may be reaching out to see where you stand!? Honestly I would have respected him more if he said that. I responded and he hasn't said anything else so who knows. I'm not holding my breath. He dumped me for the upteenth time because he wasn't "IN" love with me anymore. We were England planning our wedding for November.
Dandannydandan Posted March 18, 2017 Posted March 18, 2017 You have been doing so well keeping the NC for nearly 2 months. It does sound like he might be reaching out and missing you, but you should definitely keep up the NC, make him miss you more and wonder what you're up to. If he's dumped you "upteen" times before, the chances are it will happen again. Make him sweat. 2
Author Leni88 Posted March 18, 2017 Author Posted March 18, 2017 You have been doing so well keeping the NC for nearly 2 months. It does sound like he might be reaching out and missing you, but you should definitely keep up the NC, make him miss you more and wonder what you're up to. If he's dumped you "upteen" times before, the chances are it will happen again. Make him sweat. I just don't want to humiliate myself by contacting him. I don't even want him to sweat. I just want it to be done. I was talking to my close friend today actually and she asked me about my night. I went for drinks and of course documented everything on social media HAHA. So she was like that looks fun. 8' happy to see you out and having fun. I haven't seen that in a while from you. I was completely honest. I don't want to be out drinking and bar hopping. SO my friend was like what would you rather be doing...Netflix with my husband lol. I'm our new house with our dog. So anyway, I'm just over that situation with my ex because it's not headed there and that's really what I want.
Dandannydandan Posted March 18, 2017 Posted March 18, 2017 In that case, NC is the be all end all. He may keep trying to contact you, and it will be hard, but don't let him back in. We're all here for you. 2
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