End of 10 year relationship update

[Leni88]

I never thought I'd actually post! But I've been lurking for about 2 weeks and finally thought I'd share. I'm at 3 weeks out of a long term relationship. I'm 28 and he is 31 and we had been together on an off for about 10 years. We haven't broken up in about 5 years and had recently been planning a wedding for later this year. We had been engaged for about 2 years. We were heavily involved with each other's family and lived together. I would say things started to detail about 3-6 months ago. He received a promotion and started to change. He didn't really want to buy a home anymore. He decided he didn't want kids. It was almost like he wanted me to leave him. I think he did. He wanted me to do the dirty work. He started staying away from home after work and on the weekends with the excuse of work. I think he just didn't want to be around me. Finally right before xmas we got into a huge fight about how distant he had become. He finally broke down and told me he was overwhelmed with the idea of buying a house and getting married. So I told him we didn't have to do that. And then he was concerned that I was so ok with sacrificing my wants for him. Eventually he broke down crying and said he wasn't sure if he was IN love with me anymore. That he loved me but didn't know sometimes if he was in love. I asked him if he wanted to break up and he said no. We went to counseling one time after that and in therapy he told the guy that he hasn't meant what he said but was feeling overwhelmed and didn't know how to communicate that. So after that things were great for about a month. Then he started to get distant again and it freaked me out. So I broke out in tears and he asked what was wrong. I told him I was worried about us. And he said I'm just not sure I'm in love with you. This time I didn't try to talk it through I just gave him the ring back and asked him to leave. The first week after the break up we emailed and spoke a few times about our mutual finances and me moving out. Then starting last week we went absolutely no contact at my insistence. All his emails when we spoke before gutted me because they were so cold. He told me he didn't want to make me feel like he was changing his mind so he wanted to be distant when we spoke. He said he was actually sacrificing because he could have just married me and resented me. Since no contact I'd started to feel better until yesterday. My little brother LOVES him and reached out to him via email to tell him his college plans. My ex emailed him back a nice response and it was pretty upsetting for me. Not sure why. I also went with a friend to see her new condo with her fiancé and it just made me think of all the things we had planned. I know we shouldn't be together because this isn't the first time (more like the 5th) he has done this. I'm always the dumpee. And it's always the same "I'm not in love with you" conversation. It hasn't happened in a while but ultimately it's always the same. In the past he would reach out and say he is sorry and misses me after a month. Even when I've moved out (3 times) this has happened. I don't think it will happen this time and it's hurtful because I truly believe he doesn't love me anymore. And I really tried guys. I was willing to compromise on everything (I know this is a turn off and was my first mistake). But I really wanted to make him happy. I helped him in every way and I just feel like he walked away without a second glance after all this time. Anyway just wanted to share. I don't think any advice is needed. I know it's over. I know I've been dumped. I know he is over it and I'm left with all the feelings. It really just sucks.

[LitTunnel]

First off I'm so sorry for your troubles. My heart goes out to you darling. Big time hugs:)

 

Here's what I suggest. He's clearly not into you anymore as you've described. It's no strike against you honey. Some times people just change, unfortunately and there is nothing you or I can do. At this point of the relationship you've done all you could to salvage the relationship but it takes two

 

to tango and he's clearly not willing to dance. What I would do if I was you and I know it's easier said than done, believe me. But you MUST go NC ASAP. Do NOT respond to him from now on until a good amount of time has passed, like 6 months to a 1 year or maybe more, until you feel it's

 

right. You MUST heal completely. And only respond if HE makes the first move ONLY and that move is basically him begging and pleading for you back. Nothing less is acceptable. Don't waste your time any longer. Heck, you might not even want him back by then.

 

Make sure you cut ALL ties with him and I mean ALL. Remove any memories of him from your life. Make sure you tell your family that you no longer want any of them to contact him at all. And in the case he contacts them to tell them not to tell you anything. NOTHING. ZERO. ZILTCH. In fact,

 

block his number, email, IM, FB, Instagram, EVERYTHING. You're going to disappear like a ghost. This will ensure you your best chance at healing much quicker otherwise you stand the risk of falling back into a nasty and endless game of torture. Do NOT do this! Soon enough and it will take

 

some time so be patient with yourself but eventually you will heal. Be warned that you will have your breaking moments, depression and anxiety but you must find the will within yourself to fight through these emotions. Get all the family and friends for support. It will be hard. It will be

 

mental warfare but honey, it's for your own good. You've done your part, now it's time to move on and live your life. You should be proud of yourself that you did your part. I honor you. NEVER be afraid to come back here and post more. We are here for you for as long as you want.

 

Good luck!!!:)

Edited February 10, 2017 by LitTunnel

[ExpatInItaly]

Sorry this has happened to you, OP.

 

It sounds like it was a long time coming. Someone who repeatedly tells you they're not in love with you is..well...not in love with you. It sounds like he probably wanted to feel differently but he just doesn't and knows it's not fair to waste any more of your time.

 

But someday, when you're feeling better and ready for it, you will meet a guy who blows your ex right out of the water. The feeling of being with a man who wants to be with you - consistently - will make you wonder why you stayed so long with one who didn't. And you will then be glad this ended when it did. I promise!

[Leni88]

First off I'm so sorry for your troubles. My heart goes out to you darling. Big time hugs:)

 

Here's what I suggest. He's clearly not into you anymore as you've described. It's no strike against you honey. Some times people just change, unfortunately and there is nothing you or I can do. At this point of the relationship you've done all you could to salvage the relationship but it takes two

 

to tango and he's clearly not willing to dance. What I would do if I was you and I know it's easier said than done, believe me. But you MUST go NC ASAP. Do NOT respond to him from now on until a good amount of time has passed, like 6 months to a 1 year or maybe more, until you feel it's

 

right. You MUST heal completely. And only respond if HE makes the first move ONLY and that move is basically him begging and pleading for you back. Nothing less is acceptable. Don't waste your time any longer. Heck, you might not even want him back by then.

 

Make sure you cut ALL ties with him and I mean ALL. Remove any memories of him from your life. Make sure you tell your family that you no longer want any of them to contact him at all. And in the case he contacts them to tell them not to tell you anything. NOTHING. ZERO. ZILTCH. In fact,

 

block his number, email, IM, FB, Instagram, EVERYTHING. You're going to disappear like a ghost. This will ensure you your best chance at healing much quicker otherwise you stand the risk of falling back into a nasty and endless game of torture. Do NOT do this! Soon enough and it will take

 

some time so be patient with yourself but eventually you will heal. Be warned that you will have your breaking moments, depression and anxiety but you must find the will within yourself to fight through these emotions. Get all the family and friends for support. It will be hard. It will be

 

mental warfare but honey, it's for your own good. You've done your part, now it's time to move on and live your life. You should be proud of yourself that you did your part. I honor you. NEVER be afraid to come back here and post more. We are here for you for as long as you want.

 

Good luck!!!:)

 

I completely agree! I'm totally NC at this point. I don't think I'll reach out as I never have in the past. I just need to get over him. It's tough though. I wish we had fought more or if I was a bitch but it just seemed random. Two weeks before he had asked his grandmother to help us make our invite list. He had also just asked my best friend to help him plan the wedding. He had even suggested we move up the wedding date. Once after the break up when I was asking him why this happened he alluded to the fact that I'm too emotional right now and t was stresstressing him out. He is bi polar and often has manic episodes because he is untreated. He will get depressed and feel like a failure etc. Recently he had been doing this again. He had become obsessed with his personal appearance and working out because he was worried he was getting too old etc. Usually I'm the supportive one in the relationship but recently I've been sick (have a thyroid mass that I'm getting biopsies and also a MS diagnosis) and I also just feel like he didn't want to deal with my issues. And I mean I've done everything for this guy. My therapist was basically like you are his mother. I think him not having me be the strong one just turned him off. I'm just really confused. He literally got down on one knee about 1 month ago (3 weeks before the dumping) and asked me to marry him again with a new engagement ring.

[jorgeg3d]

People often mistake, being in love with loving someone. The being in love phase wears out from time to time and most likely wont last forever. Peoples own self talk, and self doubt is what tears down the love.

[Sweetfish]

I completely agree! I'm totally NC at this point. I don't think I'll reach out as I never have in the past. I just need to get over him. It's tough though. I wish we had fought more or if I was a bitch but it just seemed random. Two weeks before he had asked his grandmother to help us make our invite list. He had also just asked my best friend to help him plan the wedding. He had even suggested we move up the wedding date. Once after the break up when I was asking him why this happened he alluded to the fact that I'm too emotional right now and t was stresstressing him out. He is bi polar and often has manic episodes because he is untreated. He will get depressed and feel like a failure etc. Recently he had been doing this again. He had become obsessed with his personal appearance and working out because he was worried he was getting too old etc. Usually I'm the supportive one in the relationship but recently I've been sick (have a thyroid mass that I'm getting biopsies and also a MS diagnosis) and I also just feel like he didn't want to deal with my issues. And I mean I've done everything for this guy. My therapist was basically like you are his mother. I think him not having me be the strong one just turned him off. I'm just really confused. He literally got down on one knee about 1 month ago (3 weeks before the dumping) and asked me to marry him again with a new engagement ring.

 

 

Your not equip to deal with his mental state. You are bipolar by proxy and you did the best you can. Time to live your life in a mental state thats healthy for you.

[Crystal1111]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. When we're able to send private messages, you can message me any time.

 

I wish I had something more helpful to say, but you're not alone and my heart goes out to you.

((Hugs!))

[AT15]

I'm sorry you're going through this. I can relate. My ex boyfriend is undiagnosed bi polar borderline. They definitely need their girlfriends to be very strong and not need them. They can't handle being needed, I suspect because they don't have the esteem or confidence to do it.

 

My ex has dumped me 4 times. And although we understand their condition, the dumping and running always effects our self esteem.

 

Men are generally stressed about weddings, so add bi polar to the mix, it's a disaster.

 

I like the advice given about going NC. Having a significant other with emotional instabilities is very hard. It makes your love for them go so deep, even tho they can't love as deeply.

 

Being his mother and caretaker would have been a life long experience. Mothering is a thankless job. And mothers are often taken for granted. And many times the love isn't reciprocal.

 

Take care of your heart, mind and soul.

[Leni88]

Thanks guys! This has been really helpful to hear. The last time we spoke he started the conversation by saying he just wants to be selfish right now. I'm hurt but I'm more disappointed. We had so many plans and now I have to hit the reset button.

[Leni88]

Just here with an update. It will be 1 month in Sunday since the break up and about 17 days NC. I was really "okay" the last week and a half to two weeks but now I'm just miserable. I don't feel in danger of breaking NC but I'm just feeling really down. I'm sad and I miss having someone. I would say I miss him but I'm not sure. When I think about him I'm not remembering good things. I actually can't remember any good things at this point. Just how terrible and insecure I felt in the relationship. But I still miss having that strength in having a person. And I guess I was just like well he isn't on drugs and beating me so it's not so terrible. And I keep thinking about how he has probably moved on. Typically when we break up he contacts an ex or sleeps with a random chick or makes out with someone. I never do. He is the only person I've ever been with. I just keep hoping he will get in touch with me and want to work things out. And of course I shouldn't want this because he always does this and I'm so embarrassed and I feel pathetic. And I can't see how we could over come this because everyone knows. And also we shouldn't because he isn't good for me. But I just don't want to start over and I hate being single. I've even gone so far as to shell out money for a tarot card reader for answers. Any words of wisdom?

[TheTraveler]

Just here with an update. It will be 1 month in Sunday since the break up and about 17 days NC. I was really "okay" the last week and a half to two weeks but now I'm just miserable. I don't feel in danger of breaking NC but I'm just feeling really down. I'm sad and I miss having someone. I would say I miss him but I'm not sure. When I think about him I'm not remembering good things. I actually can't remember any good things at this point. Just how terrible and insecure I felt in the relationship. But I still miss having that strength in having a person. And I guess I was just like well he isn't on drugs and beating me so it's not so terrible. And I keep thinking about how he has probably moved on. Typically when we break up he contacts an ex or sleeps with a random chick or makes out with someone. I never do. He is the only person I've ever been with. I just keep hoping he will get in touch with me and want to work things out. And of course I shouldn't want this because he always does this and I'm so embarrassed and I feel pathetic. And I can't see how we could over come this because everyone knows. And also we shouldn't because he isn't good for me. But I just don't want to start over and I hate being single. I've even gone so far as to shell out money for a tarot card reader for answers. Any words of wisdom?

 

You've been dumped 5 times, you've moved out 3 times. If you get back together the same thing will happen again and the cycle will repeat.

 

You're single, no kids, and you're still young. You will be fine. Unfortunately, the only answer is time.

 

I would recommend hitting the gym, find new hobbies you've wanted to try, etc.

 

For example, I picked up Hot Yoga(and I still go today).

[stillafool]

Just here with an update. It will be 1 month in Sunday since the break up and about 17 days NC. I was really "okay" the last week and a half to two weeks but now I'm just miserable. I don't feel in danger of breaking NC but I'm just feeling really down. I'm sad and I miss having someone. I would say I miss him but I'm not sure. When I think about him I'm not remembering good things. I actually can't remember any good things at this point. Just how terrible and insecure I felt in the relationship. But I still miss having that strength in having a person. And I guess I was just like well he isn't on drugs and beating me so it's not so terrible. And I keep thinking about how he has probably moved on. Typically when we break up he contacts an ex or sleeps with a random chick or makes out with someone. I never do. He is the only person I've ever been with. I just keep hoping he will get in touch with me and want to work things out. And of course I shouldn't want this because he always does this and I'm so embarrassed and I feel pathetic. And I can't see how we could over come this because everyone knows. And also we shouldn't because he isn't good for me. But I just don't want to start over and I hate being single. I've even gone so far as to shell out money for a tarot card reader for answers. Any words of wisdom?

 

 

You said in an earlier post that you felt he walked away without even giving it a chance. Well he did give it 5 chances hoping his feelings would change and hiding the fact that they never really did. You are worthy of true love and when you realize he did the right thing (it should have been done earlier) by breaking up if he wasn't in love. Otherwise, you both are missing out on what real love feels like by being with someone who isn't in love with you. If you had him back you could never be sure that he is in love with you.

[VeveCakes]

Please get the book "Attached" and read through it. It's on iTunes all.

[goldway90]

He is bi polar and often has manic episodes because he is untreated

 

It will Never work! this relationship is doomed to fail unless he takes the steps to treat his bipolar. Don't take him back and RUN no matter how much you love him, love will NEVER be enough to make this relationship work.

[Leni88]

Please get the book "Attached" and read through it. It's on iTunes all.

 

I just read this book! It's a great suggestion. Thank you.

[Leni88]

You said in an earlier post that you felt he walked away without even giving it a chance. Well he did give it 5 chances hoping his feelings would change and hiding the fact that they never really did. You are worthy of true love and when you realize he did the right thing (it should have been done earlier) by breaking up if he wasn't in love. Otherwise, you both are missing out on what real love feels like by being with someone who isn't in love with you. If you had him back you could never be sure that he is in love with you.

 

You are totally right. But honestly if he was never in love he definitely suffered through 10 years. I've never once tried to get back together with him during a break up. It's always been him. So while I agree if he wasn't in love he should have ended things...he also shouldn't have been so selfish as to "try" and be in love with me over the last decade. He also shouldn't have bought me a 4000 engagement ring 2 weeks before declaring he wasn't in love because it was and is pretty cruel.

[stillafool]

You're absolutely correct. He may have felt that you two were compatible, his family loved you, you are an ideal mate and he loves you for who your are so why not "settle" without being "in" love. A lot of people marry because things look great on paper but the "in love" feelings just aren't there. Some people can live happy lives without them while others can't.

[goldway90]

You are totally right. But honestly if he was never in love he definitely suffered through 10 years. I've never once tried to get back together with him during a break up. It's always been him. So while I agree if he wasn't in love he should have ended things...he also shouldn't have been so selfish as to "try" and be in love with me over the last decade. He also shouldn't have bought me a 4000 engagement ring 2 weeks before declaring he wasn't in love because it was and is pretty cruel.

 

Honestly he could've been manic when he bought that ring since he's untreated. It's has nothing to with him loving you, he simply sick and can't make logical decisions. I'm so sorry you're going through all of this.

 

Here's some stories of people who were manic.

 

March 2016 I spent $3000 in 10 days. Shoes, clothes, electronics, then I sold all of it on offer up for a fraction of what I payed. I thought the God was talking to me via commercial. I drew a blue print on how to build a portable infinit gravity weapon. Long Story short I'm now on Seraquel and Trileptal.

 

mania stories - Mania and Manic Episodes - Bipolar

[Leni88]

Honestly he could've been manic when he bought that ring since he's untreated. It's has nothing to with him loving you, he simply sick and can't make logical decisions. I'm so sorry you're going through all of this.

 

Here's some stories of people who were manic.

 

 

 

mania stories - Mania and Manic Episodes - Bipolar

 

To be completely honest I think he is having a manic episode and has been maybe for the last 3 months. I would totally agree that the buying of the ring would be manic. But I don't think that's where it ends. Over the last 3-4 months he has become obsessed and depressed about work. Wanting to walk out but not thinking he should because he doesn't have an education and has risen pretty high in the ranks. He is having some issues with his son who has been acting out etc. I don't think him buying the new ring means he loves me I think it's another symptom of his mania. He is having lots of life issues outside of just our relationship. Being in a relationship with someone like this is difficult. He literally went from wanting one life to wanting something completely different. The last time we spoke we literally said he wanted to be selfish right now. I'm not doubting that he isn't in love with me and I'm not saying I have no sympathy for the fact that he is clearly spiraling but I have to be selfish right now. And selfish me is pissed off that my life has been uprooted again because of him. I'm mad at myself for being upset about it and for allowing it to happen again.

[Leni88]

You're absolutely correct. He may have felt that you two were compatible, his family loved you, you are an ideal mate and he loves you for who your are so why not "settle" without being "in" love. A lot of people marry because things look great on paper but the "in love" feelings just aren't there. Some people can live happy lives without them while others can't.

 

All of this! So true. The only area I disagree ok is the people choosing to live without being in love. I can honestly say every moment of our relationship wasn't hearts and flowers. I wasn't sparks fly over the moon IN love with him everyday either. However, I loved him and I valued the fact that my family liked him and that we were a good team. In my opinion everyday can't be a carnival. Life is real. **** gets real. And what I'm looking for in a partner is love. Being in love comes and goes. You have to work at that especially after 10 years. However, if I had someone that had all the qualities you listed above I'd never let them go. That's a life partner. So ultimately I just think we were looking for different things. 8 don't expect to be wooed everyday. I want a friendship and love with someone I can count on. That's a partner, that respects me, that I'm compatible with and that my family likes.

[AlmostFamous]

I hope you heal and move on,you deserve better. Hang in there,you have a lot of living still ahead of you. Wishing you the best going forward.

[Leni88]

I hope you heal and move on,you deserve better. Hang in there,you have a lot of living still ahead of you. Wishing you the best going forward.

 

 

Thank you! I REALLY want to move on. I'm not considering dating because that would be tremendously unfair to whomever I meet. But I'm staying busy with my friends and I'm working out with my trainer 3 times a week. I'm trying. I was reading someone else's post and they were saying week 3 is the hardest andnboy are they right! I know I keep saying it but I just feel so mislead. I kept asking if he was SURE and he allowed me to put down money for the wedding and buy a dress. I take just so selfish especially when you have a person asking. Also suggesting we go to therapy. I think during our time with the therapist he could have said all of this instead he said how happy he was etc. Someone earlier said he gave it a chance 5 times which is true. But having an off again off again crazy relationship at 18,21 or even 23 seems so different then all this happening at 28 and 31. It just seems so real and so jarring.

[teddyzain]

Wow, your post is very real. I'm so sorry for your pain and I hope one day you will find happiness.

[stillafool]

All of this! So true. The only area I disagree ok is the people choosing to live without being in love. I can honestly say every moment of our relationship wasn't hearts and flowers. I wasn't sparks fly over the moon IN love with him everyday either. However, I loved him and I valued the fact that my family liked him and that we were a good team. In my opinion everyday can't be a carnival. Life is real. **** gets real. And what I'm looking for in a partner is love. Being in love comes and goes. You have to work at that especially after 10 years. However, if I had someone that had all the qualities you listed above I'd never let them go. That's a life partner. So ultimately I just think we were looking for different things. 8 don't expect to be wooed everyday. I want a friendship and love with someone I can count on. That's a partner, that respects me, that I'm compatible with and that my family likes.

 

No, I mean marrying because you are "in love". No couple is in love 24/7/365.

[Leni88]

Thanks so much for all the kind words and advice. It's been one month today...well 28 days to be exact lol. It's been a rough cycle. I was in tears for pretty much a week. Then for a week I was completely fine. Totally happy and almost feeling over it. Then Valentine's Day hit and I have been pretttnbleh since then. I'm thinking about him almost constantly. What is he up to and who is he screwing etc. I just feel resolved in being sad. And I'm kind of shut down. I don't want to be around anyone or do anything. And I'm googling EVERYTHING. Stages of grief, love languages, attachment styles etc. I have no idea what to do with myself. I'm so tired of being so sad. And it's not that raging sad where you are crying all the time it's JUST morose feelings. Hopeless, lonely, terrified etc. I am keeping busy but I find myself just looking at the time so I can go home and be alone and sad again. Wtf is that?