She became distant when her ex-husband got married. Now I'm friend zoned.

March 18, 2017

I wish you the best. It just sounds like if she did come around, sometime after she would go cold again. That's nothing but stress and heartache and something you should avoid. I hope for your sake she just had a freak out moment and comes back around, but if not don't dwell on her because that was a really crappy way to handle things.

Thank you for the kind words. I really believe she will come back around after a little time apart to enjoy time with her friends and family who she hasn't seen much lately since she has been spending most of her free nights with me. Thanks again.

March 18, 2017

I don't plan on sticking around long. I just feel like she deserves a little bit of a chance. Everything was going perfectly until he got remarried.

Nothing is going to be "perfect" from here going forward. I don't think you fully grasp the BETRAYAL that occurred here, especially with the religiosity, but this woman, who actively pursued her husband (and her husband is no angel) is now going to be the children's stepmother! Your GF will not only have to deal with her ex forever, who cheated and betrayed her, but also this woman whom he cheated with, who will now be raising her children.

Maybe those two love-birds will drop off the planet, and the other woman convinces him to dump his children and fights any type of financial support, or the ex is tired of the "family way," or the "old family," while he starts a new one with the honey, leaving GF to raise these children alone and uncompensated.

Jump up to the plate. I appreciate your trying to separate slowly, but I think you're muddying up the waters...what exactly do you intend to accomplish? Wait around for her to bounce back? She won't bounce back. Are you prepared to be a husband and father? If you want to stick around to be her friend, be her friend...never expect you will be long-term, romantically involved. You're more likely to be a transition boyfriend...she's not going to be able to really grow a relationship for awhile. If she wants you long-term, again, are you prepared to be a husband and father? It's a slippery slope.

March 18, 2017

Ugh. Misery. She has seriously undermined her value system. An AVID church-goer searching for solace. She hasn't found it. And the physical relationship you two have been having hasn't helped. Think about this...how do you think she will be able to heal herself and reconcile her beliefs with you attending church with her? I certainly do not know you, but are you attending b/c it is what she enjoys or b/c you actually believe in the same deity she does...and the values.

We have the same beliefs. She asked me that question early on and often. I've always been down to go to church. The problem is she goes to church at the same place her parents go. She doesn't want to let anyone know about us for a really long time. The only person she's told is her BFF and she doesn't know I've been sleeping over. At least she did not tell her early on. I haven't asked lately.

March 18, 2017

Nothing is going to be "perfect" from here going forward. I don't think you fully grasp the BETRAYAL that occurred here, especially with the religiosity, but this woman, who actively pursued her husband (and her husband is no angel) is now going to be the children's stepmother! Your GF will not only have to deal with her ex forever, who cheated and betrayed her, but also this woman whom he cheated with, who will now be raising her children.

Maybe those two love-birds will drop off the planet, and the other woman convinces him to dump his children and fights any type of financial support, or the ex is tired of the "family way," or the "old family," while he starts a new one with the honey, leaving GF to raise these children alone and uncompensated.

Jump up to the plate. I appreciate your trying to separate slowly, but I think you're muddying up the waters...what exactly do you intend to accomplish? Wait around for her to bounce back? She won't bounce back. Are you prepared to be a husband and father? If you want to stick around to be her friend, be her friend...never expect you will be long-term, romantically involved. You're more likely to be a transition boyfriend...she's not going to be able to really grow a relationship for awhile. If she wants you long-term, again, are you prepared to be a husband and father? It's a slippery slope.

I haven't dated anyone very long who has kids. I have not really thought about being a potential stepfather. She told me that she doesn't want to tell anyone about our relationship for at least six months. I assumed meeting her kids would be at least that far in the future. I did however meet her daughter briefly a few months ago. She couldn't sleep and she came out to the TV room to say hello. I only come by when they are with their Dad or after they are asleep. Even then, I don't stay over. I just visit.

March 18, 2017

We have the same beliefs. She asked me that question early on and often. I've always been down to go to church. The problem is she goes to church at the same place her parents go. She doesn't want to let anyone know about us for a really long time. The only person she's told is her BFF and she doesn't know I've been sleeping over. At least she did not tell her early on. I haven't asked lately.

You really need to give her space. If not carefully, your 'concern' or 'offers of comfort' will become smothering and as it often does, emotional obsession mixed with what seems sympathy and control.

Again, I don't know you, but don't go to church with her...in the least.

March 18, 2017

You really need to give her space. If not carefully, your 'concern' or 'offers of comfort' will become smothering and as it often does, emotional obsession mixed with what seems sympathy and control.

Again, I don't know you, but don't go to church with her...in the least.

Ok. I won't go to church with her. I also don't plan on smothering her. We agreed to not talk until next week. I asked her if I was smothering her and she said "of course not." I didn't text her once during her trip to forget about the wedding. I'm good at giving her space. She used to always initiate until after the trip. I plan on letting her do that again.

March 18, 2017

I'm not being fake. I actually go to church. Just not as much as I should. I'd be down to going more often. Should I propose that idea to her?

Go to church of your own accord for your own reasons, not as a means to manipulate her into something she's been very clear with you that she doesn't want.

March 18, 2017

She was probably trying to sex her ex out of her system and it didn't work because this isn't a physical issue. It's an emotional issue and she's no where near being resolved on the fact that her ex dropped her off and married someone else. She was (and most likely still is) harboring hope that he will "come to his senses" and come back to her. That he hasn't and instead got married to someone else shattered that fantasy for her.

I don't think you were a pushover, but all this "I want to be her friend" stuff is called "being a doormat". It's an unforced error on your part.

Again, as someone who has been in her shoes, there is a great deal of truth to this. You are fighting with the memory of who she thought her husband was. This will take a lone time to resolve on her end.

March 18, 2017

Nothing is going to be "perfect" from here going forward. I don't think you fully grasp the BETRAYAL that occurred here, especially with the religiosity, but this woman, who actively pursued her husband (and her husband is no angel) is now going to be the children's stepmother! Your GF will not only have to deal with her ex forever, who cheated and betrayed her, but also this woman whom he cheated with, who will now be raising her children.

Again this... you will do more damage by pressing your involvement. It is not something you quickly get over, but even more so, easily accept love into your heart again. It is most ideal when you are healthy and whole again and that takes time, reflection, and strength - all of which she does not have right now. She is not in that place and won't be there in a while and will only hurt you even more.

I had many set backs... the affair, them moving in together, their wedding, the birth of their daughter (my daughters half sister and the child "we" were supposed to have together), my daughter dealing with all this and an absent father, and finally the annulment they requested two years after their wedding so they could be official in her Catholic church.

These instances were over more than four years and just when I was ready to move forward another brought back the pain. I am finally in a place where I am over setbacks.

The point of all that is that even if the most wonderful man came along at these times, I could often sabotage it all to avoid getting close to him and put my heart on the table. I wasn't ready and there was much bigger issues at stake then him.

I would add that I would not go back to any of them and have moved on. Partly because they remind me of an unpleasant time in my life.

It is in your best interest to let her go. Let her friends and family help her through this process.

Edited March 18, 2017 by selinaluv

March 19, 2017

I don't plan on sticking around long. I just feel like she deserves a little bit of a chance. Everything was going perfectly until he got remarried.

You actually mean you are going to stick around as long as it takes, and you are hoping SHE will give you a chance......

March 19, 2017

I (39/M) met her (31/F) on a dating site a month and a half ago. We've gone on several dates. I have spent the night at her place five or six times.

During the first few weeks of dating, she was into me big time. She texted me nonstop and called me all the time. She always initiated sex. Things got physical on the second date even though she initially said she didn't want to sleep together until marriage. She comes from a very religious family. She has been divorced for two years. She and her ex have two young children together.

Her ex-husband cheated on her and ended up marrying the woman he cheated with a couple of weeks ago. The woman I've been seeing told me that she was "really sad" about it. She even visited her sister across the country to distract herself during the wedding. She posts things about divorce on social media all of the time.

I noticed that she has been very distant lately via texting since the trip. She actually looked like she was in a daze when I dropped her off at the airport. She only texted me once during the trip. It was the night before she was to come back. She was drunk.

I have texted her first almost every time since she got back from her trip. The only time she texted me first was to ask me to stay over this past Saturday.

I asked her a couple of days ago if we need to talk. She said that she doesn't see me as a "long term romantic partner." She also said she "was forcing" herself to see things about us that weren't there. She also said she wants to continue hanging out as friends but that is all. She told me I didn't do anything wrong. I asked her if she was interested in someone else, she said she doesn't want to date anyone right now. She assured me that it will be a long time before she goes back to dating anyone else.

She is on a trip with her family and friends right now. She said that she'd like to "chat" when she gets back next week. I'm not sure if we should continue being friends or just cut her off completely.

Move on and find a women that loves you for you. What has been allowed to happen here is a woman that still in loved with her ex-husband, who has remarried someone else. This woman is not in loved with you. She clearly told you how she felt about you and other things. Take this as a learning experience to never get involved with divorce women and child still missing and thinking about her ex-husband. Frankly look at the way she has treated you too. You should have never allowed this to happen. This woman isn't ready for any serious relationship either with you or anyone else. Putting you in the friend-zone is another way saying she's not really into you. When they said that get the heck out and don't look back. NC - no contact rule 100% effective!

March 19, 2017

Move on and find a women that loves you for you. What has been allowed to happen here is a woman that still in loved with her ex-husband, who has remarried someone else. This woman is not in loved with you. She clearly told you how she felt about you and other things. Take this as a learning experience to never get involved with divorce women and child still missing and thinking about her ex-husband. Frankly look at the way she has treated you too. You should have never allowed this to happen. This woman isn't ready for any serious relationship either with you or anyone else. Putting you in the friend-zone is another way saying she's not really into you. When they said that get the heck out and don't look back. NC - no contact rule 100% effective!

Thank you. I'm gonna do my best. Ive gone a few days of no contact before, including right now. It's been since Thursday. She returns from vacation tonight I think. We'll see if she contacts me like she said she would . We've never ignored each other's texts or calls before except the times I told her she isn't over her ex.

March 19, 2017

You actually mean you are going to stick around as long as it takes, and you are hoping SHE will give you a chance......

I honestly have no clue what I'm gonna do. I've spoken to a couple of people who said they got back together with their exes by hanging out as friends after they split.

March 19, 2017

I honestly have no clue what I'm gonna do. I've spoken to a couple of people who said they got back together with their exes by hanging out as friends after they split.

Was there situation like yours? I doubt it. You barely know this woman, not even gf/bf. They likely were involved for some time.

You are torturing yourself with this. Go NC, give her space and if she wants you, she will make ALL the right moves to do so, but don't hold your breath for her. Don't romanticize this. You are not the knight in shining armour trying to save the damsel. In those stories, the damsel actually loves the knight. THIS is nothing like that.

March 19, 2017

Was there situation like yours? I doubt it. You barely know this woman, not even gf/bf. They likely were involved for some time.

You are torturing yourself with this. Go NC, give her space and if she wants you, she will make ALL the right moves to do so, but don't hold your breath for her. Don't romanticize this. You are not the knight in shining armour trying to save the damsel. In those stories, the damsel actually loves the knight. THIS is nothing like that.

That's sound advice. What if she asks me to come over? Do I just say no thanks?

March 19, 2017

Thank you. I'm gonna do my best. Ive gone a few days of no contact before, including right now. It's been since Thursday. She returns from vacation tonight I think. We'll see if she contacts me like she said she would . We've never ignored each other's texts or calls before except the times I told her she isn't over her ex.

Your welcome, but I've been in situations like this prior the outcome is always the same. Why would you waste time over this woman. She told you how she felt about you. You need to understand her words not what you hoping in your mind that you wish would happen. When the woman speaks and tells you what is what you have to believe her. Your in denial right now.

March 19, 2017

That's sound advice. What if she asks me to come over? Do I just say no thanks?

YES, you say no or you simply don't respond. Look, playing the hero is admirable if the person at the receiving end actually loves you (goodness, this lady barely knows you!). She may ask you to come over, but that's b/c she is lonely, vulnerable and frankly, using you as an emotional crutch until she gets over this slump and finds someone she DOES see as long term material.

She is in NO condition to have a healthy relationship with you or anyone else. You deserve HEALTHY, not dysfunctional. If she really wants to be with you then she'll do all the work to get back to you, if you remain available. There are ladies out there who are in much better place to give back what you need. You have a romanticized 'crush' on this woman, nothing more.

March 19, 2017

Your welcome, but I've been in situations like this prior the outcome is always the same. Why would you waste time over this woman. She told you how she felt about you. You need to understand her words not what you hoping in your mind that you wish would happen. When the woman speaks and tells you what is what you have to believe her. Your in denial right now.

I know. It's going to be very difficult for me to ignore her when she gets back. It'll be even harder if she asks me to come over.

March 19, 2017

YES, you say no or you simply don't respond. Look, playing the hero is admirable if the person at the receiving end actually loves you (goodness, this lady barely knows you!). She may ask you to come over, but that's b/c she is lonely, vulnerable and frankly, using you as an emotional crutch until she gets over this slump and finds someone she DOES see as long term material.

She is in NO condition to have a healthy relationship with you or anyone else. You deserve HEALTHY, not dysfunctional. If she really wants to be with you then she'll do all the work to get back to you, if you remain available. There are ladies out there who are in much better place to give back what you need. You have a romanticized 'crush' on this woman, nothing more.

I wish I would have asked her early on if she was over her ex. I never asked because she was sooo into me until the wedding. I'm glad she's on vacation so neither one of us is tempted to contact each other. It's helping me to have no contact already.

Edited March 19, 2017 by computersandsuch
grammar

March 19, 2017

I wish I would have asked her early on if she was over her ex. I never asked because she was sooo into me until the wedding. I'm glad she's on vacation so neither one of us is tempted to contact each other. It's helping me to have no contact already.

You know, many of us have gone through something like what you're going through. Funny enough, coming right out and asking if 'you're over your ex' simply doesn't come up when you're dating someone new. Unless there are signs, why would you? We assume if you are dating that you must be ready for a new relationship, right? Not your fault.

But, you better believe that I do ask that question on the very first date NOW. I make it crystal clear that if there is any residual feelings that I cannot be with that person.

March 19, 2017

You know, many of us have gone through something like what you're going through. Funny enough, coming right out and asking if 'you're over your ex' simply doesn't come up when you're dating someone new. Unless there are signs, why would you? We assume if you are dating that you must be ready for a new relationship, right? Not your fault.

But, you better believe that I do ask that question on the very first date NOW. I make it crystal clear that if there is any residual feelings that I cannot be with that person.

Believe me, I will ask that question on the first date or even before in the future. I just assumed that because the ex was basically married when I started seeing this girl, that she had moved on. I went back to the texts and phone calls and everything changed right before the wedding. I know it's understandable for her to be sad. I've had ex girlfriends get married, and it makes me sad. I couldn't imagine what having an ex-husband or wife get married. Especially if kids are involved. It's going to take her a long time to get over it. I should have listened when she told me early on that there should be "no pressure" for us to be in a relationship.

In the future, I don't care how good the chemistry and the sex is, I thing I'm going to take things slow. We rarely went on a normal date that didn't end up in drinking and sex. I think it happened maybe twice where I came over and we just talked or watched a movie.

Edited March 19, 2017 by computersandsuch
extra content

March 19, 2017

You no longer have use for this woman.

Earn some self-respect. Then go find someone who can respect you.

March 19, 2017

You actually mean you are going to stick around as long as it takes, and you are hoping SHE will give you a chance......

Now that I've had some time to think about things, I probably am not going to stick around. She MAY contact me this week. Who knows. She only texted me first last week and that was when she wanted me to come over. We haven't spoken since last Thursday night. I think it was Wednesday when she told me she wanted to be friends. I had told her that is fine, and she agreed that we should keep hanging out, but I don't think I want that anymore. IF she contacts me, I plan on telling her to not contact me again until she is 100% over her ex.

March 19, 2017

You no longer have use for this woman.

Earn some self-respect. Then go find someone who can respect you.

Thank you. You're probably correct. Part of me wants her invite me spend the night, part of me wants her to say let's just slow down, and another part of me wants her to just go away. I will probably remove her from social media soon.

March 19, 2017

IF she contacts me, I plan on telling her to not contact me again until she is 100% over her ex.

DANGER, WILL ROBINSON, DANGER!

Be very careful. People who USE others as emotional crutches AND have already made it clear that she has little to no interest in a romantic relationship will say anything to draw you back in! Remember that this is a HUGE deal and for her to come back and 'claim' she's over it anytime soon is simply not to be taken seriously. Just tell her to take the time to heal. YOU move on perhaps in 6-months or a year, if you are not with a healthier lady, she'll contact you.

MOVE ON.

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She became distant when her ex-husband got married. Now I'm friend zoned.

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