She became distant when her ex-husband got married. Now I'm friend zoned.

March 17, 2017

She is right, you have not done anything wrong. It just comes down to bad timing.

I have been exactly where she is right now. My ex cheated and married the other woman. We had a small child, just as she does. I am over it, but you never really do get over it.

What she is going through is extremely painful. He decided to turn her life upside down and she had no control of the outcome. When he wanted to be gone, nothing would stop him and she has to pick up the pieces of her life. To add insult to injury he is moving on and marrying the other woman and she is left to wonder what was wrong with her and what she did to make him no longer want her anymore.

Getting your head and heart fully back in the dating game takes a long, long time. You go through the motions a few times, but you really aren't ready. I have been divorced for years and it has been just the past couple years where I felt completely open to something more. Even then I went through a couple "sowing oates" phases.

I did that because men made me feel beautiful, desired, "worthy"... everything my ex had destroyed. In many cases I liked them, but was emotionally unavailable and used them for sex and attention to make myself feel better. But inside I did not. I imagine that is what happened here. She likes you because you are a nice guy. You made her feel desired and that is why she wanted the sex.

But in the end she is not ready. You waiting around will not change the outcome. If you can genuinely be her friend without any other motives, then go ahead. If you are doing it hoping she will change and fall for you. She probably won't.

Thank you for your input. You're right. I haven't had anyone message me with the insight that you have. It's nice to have input from someone who has experienced what this woman has.

She keeps telling me I'm so nice and generous. Every time I tell her she isn't ready to date, she ignores the text. I'm going to talk to meet her one last time to see what she says. Maybe time away will help her get her head straight. We agreed to take some time off from communicating until she gets back to town.

March 17, 2017

I don't mind being her friend. As long as it helps her move on from her ex.

Brother, live your life like that and you're in for a rough time.

March 17, 2017

We both agreed it would be a while before we dated anyone else. I'm going to give her a little time to figure out what she really wants. Maybe like two weeks. If she doesn't commit, I'm getting back in the dating game.

If you try to stay friends, I fear your mind is going to be really blown when you have a "friends" date and she tells you all about some new guy she is dating.

If she said she was not over her ex and not ready to date yet, hanging on may be slightly ok. She basically told that as well as she doesn't see a future with you and that is a completely different story.

March 17, 2017

Brother, live your life like that and you're in for a rough time.

I just feel bad thinking she's sitting at home alone. She has one friend in the area outside of church, but the friend is always busy with her family.

March 17, 2017

If you try to stay friends, I fear your mind is going to be really blown when you have a "friends" date and she tells you all about some new guy she is dating.

If she said she was not over her ex and not ready to date yet, hanging on may be slightly ok. She basically told that as well as she doesn't see a future with you and that is a completely different story.

Thanks for the reply. I think she said that because she is scared to commit. We were getting really close before the wedding. I think the only thing I'm going to do is wait for her to contact me and then suggest a meeting. A heart to heart might help. If not, I may just check on her from time to time to see how she's doing. Probably won't even do that. She has family who lives very close by.

March 17, 2017

If you try to stay friends, I fear your mind is going to be really blown when you have a "friends" date and she tells you all about some new guy she is dating.

If she said she was not over her ex and not ready to date yet, hanging on may be slightly ok. She basically told that as well as she doesn't see a future with you and that is a completely different story.

I would stop talking to her the moment she started dating someone else. I'm hoping this week apart will make her miss me a bit. I never asked her to be my girlfriend. I was perfectly fine with just hanging out until she was ready. She told me early on that she didn't want to announce anything until six months down the road.

March 17, 2017

You are correct. We never discussed being boyfriend/girlfriend. I wanted to. All I would ever say was I want to keep doing this for a long time. She would say things like, "we'll see" or "maybe." I thought she was just saying that because she was scared to commit too early.

Or she realized early on that it wasn't to be, unfortunately.

My plan is to hang out like friends. Maybe grab coffee. No going back to her place. We only had one date that didn't involve going back to her place. She also mentioned that she is drinking too much. Almost every time we went out or stayed at her place, she was drinking. I want to go on normal dates where we can enjoy each other's company without getting drunk.

All this drinking, getting sloshed was her way to dull/numb the pain. I suspect she knew in the beginning that she was about to engage in acts that went against her professed values and getting drunk helped her do so with far less inhibition. I hate to say it, but it sounds like she couldn't be herself around you, only the drunk, shell of herself.

I guess I have hope because once upon a time, a gf took me back. She told me what to do, but ultimately I failed. With this girl, she never gave me reason. Every time I tried to get an answer, she'd say I did nothing wrong. I don't get it.

I don't think YOU did.

Thank you for your input. You're right. I haven't had anyone message me with the insight that you have. It's nice to have input from someone who has experienced what this woman has.

She keeps telling me I'm so nice and generous. Every time I tell her she isn't ready to date, she ignores the text. I'm going to talk to meet her one last time to see what she says. Maybe time away will help her get her head straight. We agreed to take some time off from communicating until she gets back to town.

By her ignoring the text, she is screaming in agreement. She is distraught.

I just feel bad thinking she's sitting at home alone. She has one friend in the area outside of church, but the friend is always busy with her family.

She does not have children? Yeah, sad. You can keep yourself available as a sounding board, but is that fair to you? You need to move on date others even if you decide to remain 'friends' with this lady.

March 18, 2017

I don't mind being her friend. As long as it helps her move on from her ex.

That's just it--she's not moving on from her ex.

You cool with looking up at 45 and she's still pining for her ex?

March 18, 2017

I just can't get over the fact that a few days ago, she invited me over for a romantic sleepover. Now she doesn't want to see anyone. We never fight or fuss. I do everything she asks me to do. I'm starting to think I was a pushover.

She was probably trying to sex her ex out of her system and it didn't work because this isn't a physical issue. It's an emotional issue and she's no where near being resolved on the fact that her ex dropped her off and married someone else. She was (and most likely still is) harboring hope that he will "come to his senses" and come back to her. That he hasn't and instead got married to someone else shattered that fantasy for her.

I don't think you were a pushover, but all this "I want to be her friend" stuff is called "being a doormat". It's an unforced error on your part.

March 18, 2017

If you try to stay friends, I fear your mind is going to be really blown when you have a "friends" date and she tells you all about some new guy she is dating.

If she said she was not over her ex and not ready to date yet, hanging on may be slightly ok. She basically told that as well as she doesn't see a future with you and that is a completely different story.

Or she realized early on that it wasn't to be, unfortunately.

All this drinking, getting sloshed was her way to dull/numb the pain. I suspect she knew in the beginning that she was about to engage in acts that went against her professed values and getting drunk helped her do so with far less inhibition. I hate to say it, but it sounds like she couldn't be herself around you, only the drunk, shell of herself.

I don't think YOU did.

By her ignoring the text, she is screaming in agreement. She is distraught.

She does not have children? Yeah, sad. You can keep yourself available as a sounding board, but is that fair to you? You need to move on date others even if you decide to remain 'friends' with this lady.

I'm sorry. She does have two small children. I have decided that I'm going to have one more heart to heart with her. I would like to hang out without drinking. I would also like to go to church with her. She is an avid churchgoer except on the Sundays when I've slept over the night before.

March 18, 2017

She was probably trying to sex her ex out of her system and it didn't work because this isn't a physical issue. It's an emotional issue and she's no where near being resolved on the fact that her ex dropped her off and married someone else. She was (and most likely still is) harboring hope that he will "come to his senses" and come back to her. That he hasn't and instead got married to someone else shattered that fantasy for her.

I don't think you were a pushover, but all this "I want to be her friend" stuff is called "being a doormat". It's an unforced error on your part.

I never thought about her still wanting him back. I thought that since she's dated other people since the divorce, she had moved on. The recent wedding proved that she hasn't moved on. I'm serious. She got distant right before she left to escape. Everything was going great. We were planning on meeting each other's friends asap. I feel like if she can snap into that mode so quickly, she can snap out of it quickly.

March 18, 2017

She was probably trying to sex her ex out of her system and it didn't work because this isn't a physical issue. It's an emotional issue and she's no where near being resolved on the fact that her ex dropped her off and married someone else. She was (and most likely still is) harboring hope that he will "come to his senses" and come back to her. That he hasn't and instead got married to someone else shattered that fantasy for her.

I don't think you were a pushover, but all this "I want to be her friend" stuff is called "being a doormat". It's an unforced error on your part.

I feel like since she became so emotionally unavailable so quickly, that she can probably snap back into the mode she was in when we first met quickly too. I'm not going to give her much time. Maybe a week or two after we begin talking again next week. I told her already that I'm going to start dating other people pretty quickly.

March 18, 2017

Yes. I feel like she is really confused. I feel like she can change her mind over time. She keeps talking to me. If she wasn't interested, wouldn't she tell me to back off?

Don't confuse her not wanting to be alone with her wanting a relationship with you.

Do you have the youth to squander waiting on "maybe", "if", "perhaps", "oh I don't know, we'll see"?

I just feel like if she can change her mind about the sex so quickly, maybe she can agree we went too fast and should start over?

That's really immaterial and won't happen. You were the rebound--a tool to lash out at her ex. Rebound rarely pan out, especially if her ulterior motive in seeing/having sex with you was to inspire jealousy in her ex in an attempt to win him back.

I guess I have hope because once upon a time, a gf took me back. She told me what to do, but ultimately I failed. With this girl, she never gave me reason. Every time I tried to get an answer, she'd say I did nothing wrong. I don't get it.

Apples and oranges. You and this chick weren't in a committed relationship. You and your ex were. With this chick, you're an eff buddy who caught the feels.

I just feel bad thinking she's sitting at home alone.

Doesn't she have children and friends? She's not sitting home alone, so stop feeling bad. Even if she was, she's said she sees nothing developing with you. Stop conveniently forgetting this very important element to this situation. If she wanted something to develop with you, she'd have said so.

March 18, 2017

I'm sorry. She does have two small children. I have decided that I'm going to have one more heart to heart with her. I would like to hang out without drinking. I would also like to go to church with her. She is an avid churchgoer except on the Sundays when I've slept over the night before.

Ugh. Misery. She has seriously undermined her value system. An AVID church-goer searching for solace. She hasn't found it. And the physical relationship you two have been having hasn't helped. Think about this...how do you think she will be able to heal herself and reconcile her beliefs with you attending church with her? I certainly do not know you, but are you attending b/c it is what she enjoys or b/c you actually believe in the same deity she does...and the values.

March 18, 2017

I feel like since she became so emotionally unavailable so quickly, that she can probably snap back into the mode she was in when we first met quickly too.

Stop thinking this way. You are your own worse enemy here. You're doing two destructive things:

1. thinking there was more to this for her and that she has to feel the same way you do because you feel this way.

2. Thinking you know her mind better than she does. You don't. Stop doing this.

I'm not going to give her much time. Maybe a week or two after we begin talking again next week. I told her already that I'm going to start dating other people pretty quickly.

Don't put your life on hold waiting for someone who has told you she doesn't see anything developing with you outside of being the only benchwarmer in her friend zone.

March 18, 2017

Ugh. Misery. She has seriously undermined her value system. An AVID church-goer searching for solace. She hasn't found it. And the physical relationship you two have been having hasn't helped. Think about this...how do you think she will be able to heal herself and reconcile her beliefs with you attending church with her? I certainly do not know you, but are you attending b/c it is what she enjoys or b/c you actually believe in the same deity she does...and the values.

I actually grew up in a strict southern baptist household. I attend church semi regularly. I just don't go when I spend the night at her place on Saturday's. I live about 45 minutes away. My church is even farther away. I usually spend every other Saturday at her place when she doesn't have the kids. I'm down for just doing something then going home. I just get tempted by her when I show up at her house. She often is wearing a sexy dress or lingerie when I get there.

March 18, 2017

Stop thinking this way. You are your own worse enemy here. You're doing two destructive things:
1. thinking there was more to this for her and that she has to feel the same way you do because you feel this way.

2. Thinking you know her mind better than she does. You don't. Stop doing this.

Don't put your life on hold waiting for someone who has told you she doesn't see anything developing with you outside of being the only benchwarmer in her friend zone.

I honestly only plan on giving her a couple of weeks to get back to the way she was before her husband got remarried.

March 18, 2017

I would like to hang out without drinking. I would also like to go to church with her. She is an avid churchgoer except on the Sundays when I've slept over the night before.

Don't be fake by making a show of going to church with her unless you have a burning desire to serve the Lord in the exact same way she does.

March 18, 2017

Don't be fake by making a show of going to church with her unless you have a burning desire to serve the Lord in the exact same way she does.

I'm not being fake. I actually go to church. Just not as much as I should. I'd be down to going more often. Should I propose that idea to her?

Edited March 18, 2017 by computersandsuch

March 18, 2017

This woman just got smacked with a major slap in the face. Her Ex-husband is marrying the mistress, and it gets better!! She has children with this man, so she can't just be done with it. No, she will have contact with him forever and the woman he was boinking behind her back will now be the stepmother of her children! There's some pretty f-ing great "bonus points" for your girlfriend to deal with.

It doesn't surprise me in the least she's gone off the rails and has absolutely no capacity to grow a relationship with a man and plop this crap in his lap.

This is a s***storm of crazy, and while I think she likes you a great deal, she has bigger fish to fry and some psychological bull*** to work through.

Add to this, she has strong religious convictions she was raised in, and the guilt associated with it.

I don't know that "friends" is going to work here for you, since you are romantically attached to her, and you've only really been seeing her for a couple of months. She is unavailable romantically right now and in the foreseeable future. It's up to you if you want to stick around as a friend, but I think it might be best to cut this one loose, and leave her to focus on her kids and healing.

March 18, 2017

This woman just got smacked with a major slap in the face. Her Ex-husband is marrying the mistress, and it gets better!! She has children with this man, so she can't just be done with it. No, she will have contact with him forever and the woman he was boinking behind her back will now be the stepmother of her children! There's some pretty f-ing great "bonus points" for your girlfriend to deal with.

It doesn't surprise me in the least she's gone off the rails and has absolutely no capacity to grow a relationship with a man and plop this crap in his lap.

This is a s***storm of crazy, and while I think she likes you a great deal, she has bigger fish to fry and some psychological bull*** to work through.

Add to this, she has strong religious convictions she was raised in, and the guilt associated with it.

I don't know that "friends" is going to work here for you, since you are romantically attached to her, and you've only really been seeing her for a couple of months. She is unavailable romantically right now and in the foreseeable future. It's up to you if you want to stick around as a friend, but I think it might be best to cut this one loose, and leave her to focus on her kids and healing.

I don't plan on sticking around long. I just feel like she deserves a little bit of a chance. Everything was going perfectly until he got remarried.

March 18, 2017

Any woman that wanted to date me when I found out my ex-wife's old/new boyfriend moved into the home we bought together wasn't seeing some serious red flags.. I was tossing 'em out like confetti at that point.

Cut contact, move on.

March 18, 2017

Any woman that wanted to date me when I found out my ex-wife's old/new boyfriend moved into the home we bought together wasn't seeing some serious red flags.. I was tossing 'em out like confetti at that point.

Cut contact, move on.

Thanks for the reply. I like your username. I don't plan on talking to her until she gets back to me next. At that point, I'm going to see if she is willing take things slow and see how it goes. I want to substitute the sleep overs with normal activities. I'd like to attend church too.

March 18, 2017

Folks, it appears some of the thread starter's posts are being auto-moderated through no fault of their own so please read back for responses or added content. Sorry for the disruption and please continue!

March 18, 2017

I wish you the best. It just sounds like if she did come around, sometime after she would go cold again. That's nothing but stress and heartache and something you should avoid. I hope for your sake she just had a freak out moment and comes back around, but if not don't dwell on her because that was a really crappy way to handle things.

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She became distant when her ex-husband got married. Now I'm friend zoned.

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