She became distant when her ex-husband got married. Now I'm friend zoned.

March 17, 2017

I (39/M) met her (31/F) on a dating site a month and a half ago. We've gone on several dates. I have spent the night at her place five or six times.

During the first few weeks of dating, she was into me big time. She texted me nonstop and called me all the time. She always initiated sex. Things got physical on the second date even though she initially said she didn't want to sleep together until marriage. She comes from a very religious family. She has been divorced for two years. She and her ex have two young children together.

Her ex-husband cheated on her and ended up marrying the woman he cheated with a couple of weeks ago. The woman I've been seeing told me that she was "really sad" about it. She even visited her sister across the country to distract herself during the wedding. She posts things about divorce on social media all of the time.

I noticed that she has been very distant lately via texting since the trip. She actually looked like she was in a daze when I dropped her off at the airport. She only texted me once during the trip. It was the night before she was to come back. She was drunk.

I have texted her first almost every time since she got back from her trip. The only time she texted me first was to ask me to stay over this past Saturday.

I asked her a couple of days ago if we need to talk. She said that she doesn't see me as a "long term romantic partner." She also said she "was forcing" herself to see things about us that weren't there. She also said she wants to continue hanging out as friends but that is all. She told me I didn't do anything wrong. I asked her if she was interested in someone else, she said she doesn't want to date anyone right now. She assured me that it will be a long time before she goes back to dating anyone else.

She is on a trip with her family and friends right now. She said that she'd like to "chat" when she gets back next week. I'm not sure if we should continue being friends or just cut her off completely.

March 17, 2017

Cut her off completely. It's disrespectful to you at least for her to try to keep you as an orbiter and shoulder to cry on. She went from hot to cold and that is on her, for her to try to keep you clinging on as a friend when she knows you want and she lead you to expect more is not really excusable.

Frankly she is saying, "I screwed you over. Let's be friends". I wouldn't consider her much of a friend and I wouldn't see any value in keeping in her orbit as far as you are concerned.

March 17, 2017

Look, she's still reeling from what happened to her. She's sad about it. She didn't want that to happen. You were a nice distraction, but your importance to her is very small compared to this big thing she's having to adjust to. Since she told you she doesn't see you as long-term material, then she probably never will. If she hadn't told you that, then I might say leave her alone now and take a run at her in 2 years. But she has dated you and knows you are not the one. I'm sorry. It usually does suck dating someone in the middle of a divorce and all that doesn't go away when the divorce is final and may never go away. Just start seeing other women.

March 17, 2017

She threw herself into a relationship in hopes she will find happiness.....then reality set in and she realized it's not going to happen and it was a mistake. She got into it all for the wrong reasons.

Move on.

March 17, 2017

She threw herself into a relationship in hopes she will find happiness.....then reality set in and she realized it's not going to happen and it was a mistake. She got into it all for the wrong reasons.

Move on.

We never really had the girlfriend/boyfriend talk. She always just said, we were "hanging out." When I would tell her I wanted to keep seeing her for a long time, she would say, "we'ss see." I thought maybe she didn't trust me because her ex husband cheated. Now I think she said that because she didn't plan on seeing me for much longer.

March 17, 2017

She said that she doesn't see me as a "long term romantic partner." She also said she "was forcing" herself to see things about us that weren't there. She also said she wants to continue hanging out as friends but that is all. She told me I didn't do anything wrong. I asked her if she was interested in someone else, she said she doesn't want to date anyone right now. She assured me that it will be a long time before she goes back to dating anyone else.

This is her breaking up with you while attempting to be nice about it. The reality is that it's over between you two.

She is on a trip with her family and friends right now. She said that she'd like to "chat" when she gets back next week. I'm not sure if we should continue being friends or just cut her off completely.

Cut her off completely. It will be easier for you in the long run.

edited to add: I don't see the harm in having a "chat" with her when she gets back, but consider that the last time you will talk to her. Don't try to be friends beyond that.

March 17, 2017

She threw herself into a relationship in hopes she will find happiness.....then reality set in and she realized it's not going to happen and it was a mistake. She got into it all for the wrong reasons.

Move on.

This is her breaking up with you while attempting to be nice about it. The reality is that it's over between you two.

Cut her off completely. It will be easier for you in the long run.

edited to add: I don't see the harm in having a "chat" with her when she gets back, but consider that the last time you will talk to her. Don't try to be friends beyond that.

I agree. I can't end things via text. She said the same thing. She really is super kind and sweet. I feel like we should at least say goodbye in person.

March 17, 2017

I (39/M) met her (31/F) on a dating site a month and a half ago. We've gone on several dates. I have spent the night at her place five or six times.

During the first few weeks of dating, she was into me big time. She texted me nonstop and called me all the time. She always initiated sex. Things got physical on the second date even though she initially said she didn't want to sleep together until marriage. She comes from a very religious family. She has been divorced for two years. She and her ex have two young children together.

Her ex-husband cheated on her and ended up marrying the woman he cheated with a couple of weeks ago. The woman I've been seeing told me that she was "really sad" about it. She even visited her sister across the country to distract herself during the wedding. She posts things about divorce on social media all of the time.

I noticed that she has been very distant lately via texting since the trip. She actually looked like she was in a daze when I dropped her off at the airport. She only texted me once during the trip. It was the night before she was to come back. She was drunk.

I have texted her first almost every time since she got back from her trip. The only time she texted me first was to ask me to stay over this past Saturday.

I asked her a couple of days ago if we need to talk. She said that she doesn't see me as a "long term romantic partner." She also said she "was forcing" herself to see things about us that weren't there. She also said she wants to continue hanging out as friends but that is all. She told me I didn't do anything wrong. I asked her if she was interested in someone else, she said she doesn't want to date anyone right now. She assured me that it will be a long time before she goes back to dating anyone else.

She is on a trip with her family and friends right now. She said that she'd like to "chat" when she gets back next week. I'm not sure if we should continue being friends or just cut her off completely.

Do you want to be just friends. Then be her friend. If not don't waste your time.

March 17, 2017

I don't mind being her friend. As long as it helps her move on from her ex.

March 17, 2017

I don't mind being her friend. As long as it helps her move on from her ex.

Sooooo are you being her friend with hopes she will eventually move on from her ex and come back to you? If so I would advise you cut her loose. Don't ever wait on someone like a little puppy dog to recognize your the one. I mean that. Now if you are okay with being just a friend. Like if y'all become friends and will never be romantic again and your okay with that then by all means buddy up. But if your hoping for a romance again let her go because your betting your precious time on someone who may never look at you like that again and will be extra mad that you invested the care.

March 17, 2017

Yes. I feel like she is really confused. I feel like she can change her mind over time. She keeps talking to me. If she wasn't interested, wouldn't she tell me to back off?

March 17, 2017

I don't mind being her friend. As long as it helps her move on from her ex.

worst idea ever............

March 17, 2017

worst idea ever............

I just feel like if she can change her mind about the sex so quickly, maybe she can agree we went too fast and should start over?

March 17, 2017

Yes. I feel like she is really confused. I feel like she can change her mind over time. She keeps talking to me. If she wasn't interested, wouldn't she tell me to back off?

Oh boy...

She was fooling herself and now you are fooling yourself...in her defense, she probably knew what she was doing the whole time and only fooling you. You are just going to set yourself up for more pain if you don't [] cut ties.

This isn't a simple problem like she likes too much sugar in her coffee (which is a deal breaker for me). I mean, if you are ok with meeting her [] needs until she finds her next guy, go for it...

Edited March 17, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Topical content

March 17, 2017

I just can't get over the fact that a few days ago, she invited me over for a romantic sleepover. Now she doesn't want to see anyone. We never fight or fuss. I do everything she asks me to do. I'm starting to think I was a pushover.

March 17, 2017

I don't mind being her friend. As long as it helps her move on from her ex.

Be her friend. The only reason you have to go no-contact (NC) is if the contact with an ex is harmful to you (or, I suppose, to them). If being her friend doesn't cause you pain, then ignore everyone saying to cut her off and be her friend.

But understand it's difficult for that to last. Let's say you're her friend and you start dating someone else. Let's even say that this other person is OK with you being her friend. The new bae will be your priority and you will likely not be able to be a great friend to her and things will drift.

Let's say she starts dating someone else. How do you feel about being her friend then?

There's nothing wrong with being friends but even relationships that are just friendship requires that you have the right expectations; make sure you have the right expectations.

March 17, 2017

I don't mind being her friend. As long as it helps her move on from her ex.

Not your responsibility. If your intention is to win her over, well, good luck, but she's already told you that she doesn't see you as long term material. That should tell you what you need to know.

Yes. I feel like she is really confused. I feel like she can change her mind over time. She keeps talking to me. If she wasn't interested, wouldn't she tell me to back off?

Confused? Perhaps. I think, as smackie has said, reality set in for her and she now sees things for what they really are. She likely regrets the manner in which she dove into the relationship. Having sex so soon, etc.

I just feel like if she can change her mind about the sex so quickly, maybe she can agree we went too fast and should start over?

Not if reality has made her more objective and does not see you as someone she'd like to have a long-term relationship.

I just can't get over the fact that a few days ago, she invited me over for a romantic sleepover. Now she doesn't want to see anyone. We never fight or fuss. I do everything she asks me to do. I'm starting to think I was a pushover.

Don't go there. You have no reason to believe that SHE thinks that. I think that she really feels the pain of her ex, who cheated on her and married the woman he cheated with, finding someone else and having moved on. Her ego is rocked, she compromised on her beliefs by having sex before marriage, etc. She is desperate for attention, love so that explains the rush. She is questioning her value, future, etc and she doesn't feel that you are part of it. It should also be noted that neither of you ever talked about being bf/gf, right? Too early possibly. Anyway, it may be that she knew her ex was going to get married and to help lift her own ego, she dove into this relationship with you. Essential, a rebound... she thought it would help her feel better about the impending marriage (and additional salt to her wound) and further reminder of rejection. It didn't, of course.

March 17, 2017

I'm going no contact until she texts or calls me next week like she said she would. Then, I'm going to suggest a meetup and talk things out in person.

March 17, 2017

Not your responsibility. If your intention is to win her over, well, good luck, but she's already told you that she doesn't see you as long term material. That should tell you what you need to know.

Confused? Perhaps. I think, as smackie has said, reality set in for her and she now sees things for what they really are. She likely regrets the manner in which she dove into the relationship. Having sex so soon, etc.

Not if reality has made her more objective and does not see you as someone she'd like to have a long-term relationship.

Don't go there. You have no reason to believe that SHE thinks that. I think that she really feels the pain of her ex, who cheated on her and married the woman he cheated with, finding someone else and having moved on. Her ego is rocked, she compromised on her beliefs by having sex before marriage, etc. She is desperate for attention, love so that explains the rush. She is questioning her value, future, etc and she doesn't feel that you are part of it. It should also be noted that neither of you ever talked about being bf/gf, right? Too early possibly. Anyway, it may be that she knew her ex was going to get married and to help lift her own ego, she dove into this relationship with you. Essential, a rebound... she thought it would help her feel better about the impending marriage (and additional salt to her wound) and further reminder of rejection. It didn't, of course.

You are correct. We never discussed being boyfriend/girlfriend. I wanted to. All I would ever say was I want to keep doing this for a long time. She would say things like, "we'll see" or "maybe." I thought she was just saying that because she was scared to commit too early.

March 17, 2017

Be her friend. The only reason you have to go no-contact (NC) is if the contact with an ex is harmful to you (or, I suppose, to them). If being her friend doesn't cause you pain, then ignore everyone saying to cut her off and be her friend.

But understand it's difficult for that to last. Let's say you're her friend and you start dating someone else. Let's even say that this other person is OK with you being her friend. The new bae will be your priority and you will likely not be able to be a great friend to her and things will drift.

Let's say she starts dating someone else. How do you feel about being her friend then?

There's nothing wrong with being friends but even relationships that are just friendship requires that you have the right expectations; make sure you have the right expectations.

We both agreed it would be a while before we dated anyone else. I'm going to give her a little time to figure out what she really wants. Maybe like two weeks. If she doesn't commit, I'm getting back in the dating game.

March 17, 2017

I (39/M) met her (31/F) on a dating site a month and a half ago. We've gone on several dates. I have spent the night at her place five or six times.

During the first few weeks of dating, she was into me big time. She texted me nonstop and called me all the time. She always initiated sex. Things got physical on the second date even though she initially said she didn't want to sleep together until marriage. She comes from a very religious family. She has been divorced for two years. She and her ex have two young children together.

Her ex-husband cheated on her and ended up marrying the woman he cheated with a couple of weeks ago. The woman I've been seeing told me that she was "really sad" about it. She even visited her sister across the country to distract herself during the wedding. She posts things about divorce on social media all of the time.

I noticed that she has been very distant lately via texting since the trip. She actually looked like she was in a daze when I dropped her off at the airport. She only texted me once during the trip. It was the night before she was to come back. She was drunk.

I have texted her first almost every time since she got back from her trip. The only time she texted me first was to ask me to stay over this past Saturday.

I asked her a couple of days ago if we need to talk. She said that she doesn't see me as a "long term romantic partner." She also said she "was forcing" herself to see things about us that weren't there. She also said she wants to continue hanging out as friends but that is all. She told me I didn't do anything wrong. I asked her if she was interested in someone else, she said she doesn't want to date anyone right now. She assured me that it will be a long time before she goes back to dating anyone else.

She is on a trip with her family and friends right now. She said that she'd like to "chat" when she gets back next week. I'm not sure if we should continue being friends or just cut her off completely.

Sorry to hear this. I've been the exact same situation and ended up with a broken heart. Walk away from her completely. Being friends is not what YOU want, and you will likely not be able to to turn off feelings for her. Wish her the best in life, cut off contact and move on forever.

March 17, 2017

Be her friend. The only reason you have to go no-contact (NC) is if the contact with an ex is harmful to you (or, I suppose, to them). If being her friend doesn't cause you pain, then ignore everyone saying to cut her off and be her friend.

But understand it's difficult for that to last. Let's say you're her friend and you start dating someone else. Let's even say that this other person is OK with you being her friend. The new bae will be your priority and you will likely not be able to be a great friend to her and things will drift.

Let's say she starts dating someone else. How do you feel about being her friend then?

There's nothing wrong with being friends but even relationships that are just friendship requires that you have the right expectations; make sure you have the right expectations.

My plan is to hang out like friends. Maybe grab coffee. No going back to her place. We only had one date that didn't involve going back to her place. She also mentioned that she is drinking too much. Almost every time we went out or stayed at her place, she was drinking. I want to go on normal dates where we can enjoy each other's company without getting drunk.

March 17, 2017

My plan is to hang out like friends. Maybe grab coffee. No going back to her place. We only had one date that didn't involve going back to her place. She also mentioned that she is drinking too much. Almost every time we went out or stayed at her place, she was drinking. I want to go on normal dates where we can enjoy each other's company without getting drunk.

She doesn't want to date you, she wants to be friends. Read my above post, I've been in this situation and have done exactly what you're doing, and all it was for me was setting myself up for disappointment, and then disaster when it all blew up in my face. She has problems to face, but helping her in this fashion is going to create big self esteem and confidence problems for you, trust me.

March 17, 2017

She doesn't want to date you, she wants to be friends. Read my above post, I've been in this situation and have done exactly what you're doing, and all it was for me was setting myself up for disappointment, and then disaster when it all blew up in my face. She has problems to face, but helping her in this fashion is going to create big self esteem and confidence problems for you, trust me.

I guess I have hope because once upon a time, a gf took me back. She told me what to do, but ultimately I failed. With this girl, she never gave me reason. Every time I tried to get an answer, she'd say I did nothing wrong. I don't get it.

March 17, 2017

I guess I have hope because once upon a time, a gf took me back. She told me what to do, but ultimately I failed. With this girl, she never gave me reason. Every time I tried to get an answer, she'd say I did nothing wrong. I don't get it.

She is right, you have not done anything wrong. It just comes down to bad timing.

I have been exactly where she is right now. My ex cheated and married the other woman. We had a small child, just as she does. I am over it, but you never really do get over it.

What she is going through is extremely painful. He decided to turn her life upside down and she had no control of the outcome. When he wanted to be gone, nothing would stop him and she has to pick up the pieces of her life. To add insult to injury he is moving on and marrying the other woman and she is left to wonder what was wrong with her and what she did to make him no longer want her anymore.

Getting your head and heart fully back in the dating game takes a long, long time. You go through the motions a few times, but you really aren't ready. I have been divorced for years and it has been just the past couple years where I felt completely open to something more. Even then I went through a couple "sowing oates" phases.

I did that because men made me feel beautiful, desired, "worthy"... everything my ex had destroyed. In many cases I liked them, but was emotionally unavailable and used them for sex and attention to make myself feel better. But inside I did not. I imagine that is what happened here. She likes you because you are a nice guy. You made her feel desired and that is why she wanted the sex.

But in the end she is not ready. You waiting around will not change the outcome. If you can genuinely be her friend without any other motives, then go ahead. If you are doing it hoping she will change and fall for you. She probably won't.

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She became distant when her ex-husband got married. Now I'm friend zoned.

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