emma119 Posted March 17, 2017 Posted March 17, 2017 Hi! At this time, I just don't know what to think. Maybe I'm exaggerating. Could you help me with your opinions? The story is - I'm together with my boyfriend for almost 4 years now. We got together only 6 months after he got dumped by his ex, that he thought he really loved at the time. We have a good relationship, he constantly reminds me how much he loves me, and I have never been worried about him cheating or anything like that. But once I did catch a glimpse of him chatting with his ex on facebook. I decided to be a big girl and let it go - I understand that it's normal to be interested if that person is ok and happy. But after a while I did the sneaky thing and went into his messages. (I really didn't want to do that, I know it's wrong. But I had a nagging feeling) And I found out that he has been talking to her multiple times but with long breaks between them. The thing that hurt me was that he sen't her a picture of a bracelet that he found under the bed. Apparently they had matching bracelets for both of them. He found it and sent her the picture. Not one message was flirty and he didn't say anything about missing her. It was more of a hey, hows it going. And he did ask her if she's single now. He did mention that he's in a happy relationship. After some time I saw him messaging her again. This time it looked like he had deleted a lot of the messages. So the next day I decided to have a talk with him. I confessed about going through his FB, and I told him that I'm worried. He assured me that he they were close friends and it's difficult to just cut her out of his life. I did get angry and sad and he admitted that he feels it's better not to talk to her again. But now, a good 7 months after that I saw that he has wished a happy Christmas, and again deleted some of the messages. What's the deal? He constantly reminds me that he loves me and wants to marry me some day. I've met his parents, his ex didn't ever meet them. It seems that our relationship is strong, why does he have the need to communicate with her? What I do know is that they had a messy break up, and that he had problems opening up to her and having a sexual relationship, he was always too nervous and I probably don't need to go into detail. We had the same problem at first but I found a way to connect with him and make him comfortable and now our sex life is wonderful. I don't know if that matters, maybe it's a guy thing and he want's to make sure she knows he's better off now. Really no idea. Or maybe he still can't get her out of his head? Thank you in advance!!
d0nnivain Posted March 17, 2017 Posted March 17, 2017 I'm going to be the optimist here & say you shouldn't worry. However, you should be vigilant. It's not great that you had to resort to snooping but you didn't find anything too incriminating so that is good. Admit that her presence in his life makes you jealous & insecure. Ask him to be more transparent about his contact with her & see what he does. Don't try to force him to cut all contact. That is not gonna fly but if you give him the opportunity to reassure you, he should step up to the plate. Early on in my marriage, maybe 18 months in, DH met a work colleague at a training. She was half my age & a very cute petite girl. I say girl because I was in my 40s & she was in her 20s. She was nice enough & upon meeting me took some steps to assure me that she wasn't a threat to my marriage. DH's behavior was a bit more suspicious. He was fawning over this child. I was furious & then blew up even more over some stupid exchange they had weeks later on social media. When I finally stopped being nasty & DH realized my acting out was born of fear & jealousy, he began to understand how his behavior was contributing to my irrationality & he took pains to distance himself from his colleague. They still interact for work. When I next saw her again about a year later, everybody went out of their way to make sure I met her fiancé. Fortunately we were spared a wedding invitation. She & my husband are still friends but her presence in his life no longer upsets me because his behavior reassured me that he picked me. 1
Author emma119 Posted March 17, 2017 Author Posted March 17, 2017 Thank you for the reply! I'm glad you were able to work out your situation in a very civil way. I hope I manage that as well. I think I should add - After I admitted that I've seen the messages I did tell him that I would appreciate if he gave me a heads up when they talk. (not always, but at least when there is a longer conversation) He assured me he would do that. But it was that one time after this agreement when he deleted some of the messages. Then I got really frustrated again. When I think of it - He is a type of person that avoids any kind of conflict. Maybe he just really doesn't want to upset me and figured that deleting the messages would be the easy thing to do. I'll stick to being optimistic for now, but I'll certainly take your advice to be vigilant.
Telemachus Posted March 17, 2017 Posted March 17, 2017 "...went into his messages. (I really didn't want to do that, I know it's wrong. But I had a nagging feeling)." You went into his messages because you really wanted to. There's no other possibility. No one forced you to do it. As to your question about whether you're exaggerating, it's clear to me that you aren't. You include facts and incidents with little judgment or interpretation. You're probably an honest teller of this story, other than stating that you accessed something of his against your will. Trust is the lifeblood of any relationship, and the trust in your relationship isn't as strong as you both could make it. If it's important to you that he cease having her for a friend and that he not contact her again and not accept contact from her, then tell him that. If you do that, be prepared for it to be the end of your relationship if he doesn't agree or if he says that he agrees but continues contact with her. Decide how important this really is to you. There are lots of people I would risk ending my present relationship for, to keep them completely out of our orbit, but they wouldn't be like what you describe - exes. My recommendation would be to save the relationship- dealbreaker card for someone like a violent drug dealer, or child molester. This is about your jealousy and it isn't absolutely clear to me that he's been dishonest with you about anything. You can work this out, or it may be too big an issue for you to get past. Here's a thought for you - one third of all divorce-filing documents in the US in 2015 included the word "Facebook." You seem to be on that path of hiding and snooping, and it's an unhealthy path. If the problem is his relationship with her, then deal with that, with the understanding that your romantic relationship may not be more important to him than his non-romantic friendship with her. If the problem is with Facebook and similar media, offer to given them up to totally delete your accounts - both of you. You can live without Facebook, Instagram, Snap, and Whatsapp, and anything else like them out there. I do, and so do many others.
Author emma119 Posted March 17, 2017 Author Posted March 17, 2017 Thank you for the input. I know that trust is an issue, and I'm not proud of reading his messages. I am certainly not against him having somewhat of a relationship with her. What frustrated me was that he kept messaging her and deleting conversations even after we came to an agreement that I would like to have a heads up what they're talking about. Completely agree that social media is ruining a lot of relationships now, but I'm sure the conversation would just be through telephone if there was no Facebook. I'm glad that this doesn't seem to be such a big issue, thank you again!
Poutrew Posted March 18, 2017 Posted March 18, 2017 He has admitted that they are 'good friends', and to not worry.... err...nope. You should be worried. He told you he would stop contacting her and he lied to you about that. What else has he lied to you about? The quick lunch he and his gal pal had last month, so he could give her the matching bracelet? There are many opinions on this board as to whether old lovers should remain in contact. I fall firmly into the Hell No! camp. Where there is communication there is the potential for deceit - and now your boyfriend is demonstrating that by deleting the spicier texts they are sending. This would be a deal breaker for me. I would break up with him. I'd be nice about it, telling him you realize he still has feelings for his ex, and you can't wait for him to work them out. So you are leaving. Wish him luck in his future endeavors, and shut the door behind you. Don't waste further time on this broken man, because you deserve more than that.
whichwayisup Posted March 18, 2017 Posted March 18, 2017 Thank you for the input. I know that trust is an issue, and I'm not proud of reading his messages. I am certainly not against him having somewhat of a relationship with her. What frustrated me was that he kept messaging her and deleting conversations even after we came to an agreement that I would like to have a heads up what they're talking about. Completely agree that social media is ruining a lot of relationships now, but I'm sure the conversation would just be through telephone if there was no Facebook. I'm glad that this doesn't seem to be such a big issue, thank you again! How about you suggest inviting her over so you can meet her? Really if they are 'friends' then you should be included too. It's one thing to say hi once in a blue moon but they are still in contact and he's deleting messages so you can't see the ones he doesn't want you to see. Who knows if he's seen her or spoken to her offline! Anyway, he has a choice to make. There's no reason (other than ego and maybe he still has feelings for her) for them to be in touch. Unless kids are involved and/or you two are friends as well. Look for his reaction if you do ask him to invite her out for a coffee so you can meet her.
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