thefooloftheyear Posted March 20, 2017 Posted March 20, 2017 Its highly unlikely the guy was just being a ball buster...That would be really be something a sociopath would do..And I can't see that ...Not from the info you are giving.. I would add one thing though... Some people that aren't "mainstream" -meaning that they may not follow all of societies proscribed mores and ideals are often immediately labeled as odd ducks or some other shyt..Some of us(yes, I am including myself here) are just fine in our own "world" and don't give a thought that we don't follow lock step to what every other person or society thinks we should do... It's helpful though to pay attention to things people say at times...Like I said. 99% of the time they are really trying to be helpful..If its something that you can look back on and "tweak" to allow for better interpersonal relationships. then its worthy of some introspection... TFY 1
CptInsano Posted March 20, 2017 Posted March 20, 2017 That's the other thing. In truth, I know I'm guarded with men but that's intentional. I recognise I have trust issues but I actually think they have served me well, not worked against me if that makes sense. Probably more of a 'guy-reader' than trust issues, really. It may be circumstantial, too - I've just started this new job and I'm about to complete a long-term project that has been part of my life for years so I've been questioning myself generally, plus I have had to answer that 'why are you single?' thing more often than usual and have found myself trying to justify my status and fighting off stupid judgement calls right and left, so maybe I took it as more than it was intended. Well, the question of why you are single won't stop, I can tell you that much. Maybe you just need to find a standard phrase to respond with. And yes, I know many women who are more reserved at work. It sometimes feels like a split personality when you meet them outside of work. I've worked for female bosses for the last 7 years, and I can definitely tell how guarded they are in many regards. So, comments like "ice queen", "shark lady" or things worse are not uncommon by men who may feel intimidated. (Sometimes to a degree that they refuse to sit next to these women.) I've also met women where it isn't an act, who consider romantic feelings a weakness that is only counterproductive to a career. But no matter what, you will have a harder time advancing if you don't have a professional image. So in that regard, the comment proves that you are at least doing something right. 1
preraph Posted March 20, 2017 Posted March 20, 2017 ^ I certainly had to be a different person at my better jobs. I knew one of my bosses personally, and he was always the same, so he didn't understand it and kind of resented that I wasn't a giddy champagne lush at work I think. A woman of my generation has mostly male work role models and to move up, has to learn some skills that she and others may not be as comfortable with, which is why female bosses back then usually got labeled the B word for being as assertive and commanding as men were in the same type positions. I even had one boss tell me he wanted me to be more nurturing because I was a woman. I told him no. That was a tough job that being nurturing would have gotten you ignored and overlooked. I did it the way I knew I needed to and gave my regional boss a number one sales from my area for the first time. Then I quit. 1
Author PrettyEmily77 Posted March 20, 2017 Author Posted March 20, 2017 (edited) Well, the question of why you are single won't stop, I can tell you that much. Maybe you just need to find a standard phrase to respond with. Shame swearing isn't allowed as there would be a string of expletives to illustrate how I feel about being asked that question! 'Because I'm worth it' is my usual answer - I didn't dare at work, but I'll try it next time. And yes, I know many women who are more reserved at work. It sometimes feels like a split personality when you meet them outside of work. I've worked for female bosses for the last 7 years, and I can definitely tell how guarded they are in many regards. So, comments like "ice queen", "shark lady" or things worse are not uncommon by men who may feel intimidated. (Sometimes to a degree that they refuse to sit next to these women.) I've also met women where it isn't an act, who consider romantic feelings a weakness that is only counterproductive to a career. But no matter what, you will have a harder time advancing if you don't have a professional image. So in that regard, the comment proves that you are at least doing something right. I'm not really trying to climb the corporate ladder, in all honesty - the career change was specifically to move away from that type of 'women need to be extra professional at work lest they want to give the impression they are fair game to their male peers'. Which sucks, frankly. And I say that as a non-feminist. And yes, 'Ice Queen' and proud! Sometimes. Edited March 20, 2017 by PrettyEmily77
CptInsano Posted March 21, 2017 Posted March 21, 2017 'Because I'm worth it' is my usual answer - I didn't dare at work, but I'll try it next time. That should work just fine. • I'm not really trying to climb the corporate ladder, in all honesty - the career change was specifically to move away from that type of 'women need to be extra professional at work lest they want to give the impression they are fair game to their male peers'. Which sucks, frankly. And I say that as a non-feminist. And yes, 'Ice Queen' and proud! Sometimes. If it is any consolation I also had to do the same, because I work in a rather conservative environment. At my previous company I was only supposed to look at a woman from the neck up. (I still wonder how that should have worked.) I remember one of the women who worked for me finding out at the office that her mother had passed. I kinda had to usher her into a conference room to hug her, so that nobody could see I was violating corporate policy by consoling her. So yes, I'm a different person at work, too.
Popsicle Posted March 21, 2017 Posted March 21, 2017 When people ask me why I'm single (it's usually men), I usually say "I don't know" and shrug my shoulders. That usually works. If they keep talking about it, then I say "I haven't found the right one but I'd gladly welcome him in if he shows up". That usually stops the interrogation at that point. 2
Author PrettyEmily77 Posted March 21, 2017 Author Posted March 21, 2017 If it is any consolation I also had to do the same, because I work in a rather conservative environment. At my previous company I was only supposed to look at a woman from the neck up. (I still wonder how that should have worked.) I remember one of the women who worked for me finding out at the office that her mother had passed. I kinda had to usher her into a conference room to hug her, so that nobody could see I was violating corporate policy by consoling her. So yes, I'm a different person at work, too. Jesus. In which country do you work??!! That sounds totally extreme! The field I'm in now is still fairly competitive but there are a lot more women at high level (not that there weren't before but men still kind of rule the roost there) so that side of things is less of an issue now - apparently the old patriarchal views are still hard to shift for some, though. I really think he was trying to be helpful in a 'how are you going to find yourself a guy if you're that guarded' kind of way - I think some people can't fathom that women can be happy single and don't need male validation to survive! 1
CptInsano Posted March 21, 2017 Posted March 21, 2017 (edited) Jesus. In which country do you work??!! That sounds totally extreme! I'm working in the US, and this case was because the compliance department wanted to make sure that a corporate policy could not be at fault if some form of harrassment ocurred. The field I'm in now is still fairly competitive but there are a lot more women at high level (not that there weren't before but men still kind of rule the roost there) so that side of things is less of an issue now - apparently the old patriarchal views are still hard to shift for some, though. It's actually fairly decent here, plenty of women in leadership positions. As I mentioned before, am haven't had a male boss in 7 years. But I'm surprised at how little this changes. I think that professional networks just define themselves along different lines now. I really think he was trying to be helpful in a 'how are you going to find yourself a guy if you're that guarded' kind of way - I think some people can't fathom that women can be happy single and don't need male validation to survive! Yes, the concept of the "happy single person" is much harder to accept. (Granted, I have not met that many people who would actually fall into that category.) Edited March 21, 2017 by CptInsano
preraph Posted March 21, 2017 Posted March 21, 2017 What I always told anyone to whom it wasn't obvious why I was still single and had no children was "Because I have better things to do," which back then, I did have.
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