How To Drop the 'Ice Queen' Act?

[curiouslysearching]

seriously????

OMG....I totally thought....well you know

[gaius]

Desire dictates behavior really, and if you're automatically putting up walls with any legitimate prospects then its just a matter of you not really wanting that right now. I was like that through most of my early 20's. When the girl I had a crush on in high school reconnected with me online and started giving me sexual vibes I just stopped talking to her. Intimacy wasn't what I wanted at the time.

 

I wouldn't try and force anything, when you're ready those walls should start to melt naturally. Didn't have to force a thing with my girlfriend. Every fiber in my body just had to have her.

[Veb]

 

I have an idea of an ideal RL in my head (exclusive but not living together, committed but not enmeshed, enough communication to keep the connection going but not enough to be smothered) which doesn't seem to appeal to men anyway

 

I feel that this could point to an underlying, possibly subconscious issue, which you might want to explore.

 

From your original post I felt I could write the same. In my case I have concluded that previous negative experiences made me "put walls up".

 

I also never had a problem with attracting men, but the last few men I chose to have relationships with were predators. This exposed previously unknown childhood abuse. I got professional help and worked through it successfully.

Still, in my case it left me with an abundance of caution. It takes time to detect some predators.

 

Do you feel real attraction to a man/men now? How do you act then?

 

I asked myself above questions and found that:

 

- I am very rarely attracted on all levels. It takes more than physical attraction

- when I feel really attracted (only happened less than a handful of times), I act strange, all my walls go up even more so. It takes me a long time to trust.

 

I am trying to find a good solution myself right now, since I have two interesting men who have shown their interest in me. It has been years since I have met anyone who is compatible.

Both have expressed that I have "walls up" and I don't want to do that.

[preraph]

I can relate Pre....although I am out of the opposite gender, I have had to deal with it my whole life. It is quite the burden to bare

 

And no one has sympathy for them. But like this one woman that worked in retail where I did in my 20s was just constantly harassed and a steady stream of comments about her boobs. She would call the worms and all kinds of derogatory terms for it, but it didn't slow down the creeps.

[preraph]

For sure.

 

 

Whatever 'vibe' I give hasn't stopped me from having a social life I'm comfortable with or male attention, so I guess I'm not that bothered about attracting guys after all.

 

I have an idea of an ideal RL in my head (exclusive but not living together, committed but not enmeshed, enough communication to keep the connection going but not enough to be smothered) which doesn't seem to appeal to men anyway, so I also think I'm overthinking this whole 'ice queen' thing slightly - maybe I'm not that scared of being hurt after all, and I'm just, you know, happy as I am and a bit weirded out about being cool about it?

 

Anyway. Yeah maybe the incentive is lacking somewhat. Thanks for keeping things in perspective for me, preraph!

 

 

If you'll notice, it's the people who are the most mainstream that have the easiest time finding someone they get along with. I've never been that person, and I doubt you have either, or most people on this board, for that matter. The more specialized you get, then the field narrows, but that's not a bad thing if you know what you want, like you do, although it's important to find your niche or your crowd who kind of roll that way.

[curiouslysearching]

creeps are gonna be creeps and they need something besides

words.....just saying

 

why in the world any man would want to degrade a woman is

beyond me....it serves no purpose and truly is low class

[preraph]

creeps are gonna be creeps and they need something besides

words.....just saying

 

why in the world any man would want to degrade a woman is

beyond me....it serves no purpose and truly is low class

 

Well, education has gone a long ways and workplace rules. But at the time, many felt it should be flattering to be blatantly ogled.

[preraph]

For sure.

 

 

 

 

I have an idea of an ideal RL in my head (exclusive but not living together, committed but not enmeshed, enough communication to keep the connection going but not enough to be smothered) which doesn't seem to appeal to men anyway, so I also think I'm overthinking this whole 'ice queen' thing slightly - maybe I'm not that scared of being hurt after all, and I'm just, you know, happy as I am and a bit weirded out about being cool about it?

 

Now, I like your "ideal" list and it's not that different than mine: Have a big house and live in separate wings. We're too focused on each other to look at other people (this doesn't work for men by the way) He travels a lot so I have a lot of me time. And that solves the whole "smothered" thing.

 

And I don't mean to alarm you, but I AM 64 and never married, so.....disclaimer language: Try this at your own risk. Results may vary.

[curiouslysearching]

Well, education has gone a long ways and workplace rules. But at the time, many felt it should be flattering to be blatantly ogled.

 

how about just treating a lady like a LADY....a novel concept I guess

but still not a bad way to go about things

[rushed]

but that I was also giving off an 'ice queen' super secure kind of vibe to potentially interested men.

 

My advice? Screw this guy's opinion. It sounds like he wants you to be the open, warm, ditzy, smiling chick stereotype put on this earth only to serve man.

 

PrettyEmily, it is a badass thing to be super secure. Embrace that. That's who you are. The right guy for you will like you for it. A woman should never have to change her personality to conform to how some old married guy thinks she should act.

[todreaminblue]

fire...ice....love this poem......rock on ice queens

 

Some say the world will end in fire,

Some say in ice.

From what I’ve tasted of desire

I hold with those who favor fire.

But if it had to perish twice,

I think I know enough of hate

To say that for destruction ice

Is also great

And would suffice.

[PrettyEmily77]

My advice? Screw this guy's opinion. It sounds like he wants you to be the open, warm, ditzy, smiling chick stereotype put on this earth only to serve man.

 

PrettyEmily, it is a badass thing to be super secure. Embrace that. That's who you are. The right guy for you will like you for it. A woman should never have to change her personality to conform to how some old married guy thinks she should act.

 

Thanks, rushed! You may have a point about that guy!

 

That said, I'm not that super secure all the time - I just don't advertise my insecurities and vulnerabilities to all and sundry; only to a special few.

 

My respect switch just automatically turns off when I sense a controlling streak in a guy (which is often) and for all their claims of wanting a partner who speaks their mind openly and genuinely, most really just want someone who agrees with with whatever they say, which is not my thing.

 

Very secure men are a rare breed indeed...

[PrettyEmily77]

I feel that this could point to an underlying, possibly subconscious issue, which you might want to explore.

 

From your original post I felt I could write the same. In my case I have concluded that previous negative experiences made me "put walls up".

 

I also never had a problem with attracting men, but the last few men I chose to have relationships with were predators. This exposed previously unknown childhood abuse. I got professional help and worked through it successfully.

Still, in my case it left me with an abundance of caution. It takes time to detect some predators.

 

Do you feel real attraction to a man/men now? How do you act then?

 

I asked myself above questions and found that:

 

- I am very rarely attracted on all levels. It takes more than physical attraction

- when I feel really attracted (only happened less than a handful of times), I act strange, all my walls go up even more so. It takes me a long time to trust.

 

I am trying to find a good solution myself right now, since I have two interesting men who have shown their interest in me. It has been years since I have met anyone who is compatible.

Both have expressed that I have "walls up" and I don't want to do that.

 

No underlying childhood abuse to report. The couple of therapists I spoke to after that destructive RL I had both said I present as a fairly emotionally healthy person. I mean I have my own insecurities and stuff but I have a sound support system I can go to at anytime so I don't feel like I have no one to turn to.

 

I do like men and their company in general. I've always had male friends (a couple I lost because they wanted to cross the friendship line and I wasn't interested, but that's another story) and can say I get on very well with most of my female friends' SOs.

 

But yeah, like you I only invest in a RL when the attraction is all there - I need time to open up fully but people are in a hurry nowadays it seems. I have no expectations or a laundry list of requirements or anything; I just need to get to know the guy pretty well, and even then I get it wrong!

 

Probably just simply a case of not meeting the right guy yet for both of us, but I'm not exactly loosing sleep over it...

[anduina]

Haha, thanks for the blunt honesty TFY! I actually prefer it to sugar-coating so no feelings hurt at all!

 

If that helps, I don't have a problem attracting men - it's more that I don't let them in. Nothing to do with career or personal circumstances (I'm a lot softer IRL than I am on LS!!) , but I guess I am super scared of getting hurt and I'm not sure I can get past that.

It's okay. What might work for you is having the opportunity to get to know the guy first as a friend. This way, your barriers don't immediately come up and if attraction happens after awhile with someone you trust, even better!

[Popsicle]

My guess is that there's not a darn thing wrong with you and someone just took an opportunity to throw a jab at you upon seeing your vulnerabilities.

[JuneL]

My advice? Screw this guy's opinion. It sounds like he wants you to be the open, warm, ditzy, smiling chick stereotype put on this earth only to serve man.

 

PrettyEmily, it is a badass thing to be super secure. Embrace that. That's who you are. The right guy for you will like you for it. A woman should never have to change her personality to conform to how some old married guy thinks she should act.

 

I also think it's quite inappropriate for someone who doesn't know you well to give you such comment, especially at the workplace.

[PrettyEmily77]

It's okay. What might work for you is having the opportunity to get to know the guy first as a friend. This way, your barriers don't immediately come up and if attraction happens after awhile with someone you trust, even better!

 

Yeah there might be a bit of that but ideally, there wouldn't be any label or any defined thing - I value my friends a lot and I don't really like to jump from friend to romantic interest (and back to friend in case it doesn't work).

 

Even if this guy's comments made me doubt myself a little (not a bad thing, I'm not averse to a bit of introspection and well-meaning constructive criticism), things aren't that bad, really.

 

I don't feel like a work in progress or anything, and maybe it's ok to have some trust issues. I like to think that if the right guy came along, things will work as they are meant to.

[BluEyeL]

Oh, it's just one guy's opinion. If you smile and make eye contact and are friendly, who cares what he thinks?

[CaliforniaGirl]

My guess is that there's not a darn thing wrong with you and someone just took an opportunity to throw a jab at you upon seeing your vulnerabilities.

 

This was my thought.

 

A married older man quizzes a single woman about her relationships and is bothered that she doesn't act warm enough in his presence?

 

Um...

[PrettyEmily77]

My guess is that there's not a darn thing wrong with you and someone just took an opportunity to throw a jab at you upon seeing your vulnerabilities.

 

I like the way you think, Popsicle! I think he meant well (and he's not entirely wrong!) but yeah, maybe he took his role as mentor a touch too far.

[Els]

You've always seemed friendly and approachable online. IRL it's really hard to tell, I think it's difficult to really know what sort of vibes you're giving out (I don't know my own, personally!), and different people will have different opinions. Could you get a second opinion maybe?

[PrettyEmily77]

You've always seemed friendly and approachable online. IRL it's really hard to tell, I think it's difficult to really know what sort of vibes you're giving out (I don't know my own, personally!), and different people will have different opinions. Could you get a second opinion maybe?

 

Thanks, Elswyth (you give grounded, considerate and friendly vibes, btw).

 

I thought it over, taken on board the insightful posts here and have decided I don't really mind, if that's the case.

 

There's a degree of truth to what he said, I can recognise that, but the fact is I'm not really looking for male validation (I think he was talking from an old guy's perspective, which is fine I guess); those who think I give off that 'ice queen' vibe probably aren't the right fit anyway.

 

The other thing is that I can sense insecure, controlling, game-playing or skirt-chasing guys (even married ones) a mile off, and that turns me off near enough instantly.

 

 

Anyway.

 

I can't believe this guy, who I don't even know that well, has managed to make me feel a little insecure about the fact I'm not insecure!!

[GravityMan]

I agree with those who suggested to not care what he thinks.

 

I think your male colleague chose his words poorly, and he seems kinda judgmental. When I think of an "ice queen", I think of someone who is NOT approachable and (obviously) NOT warm. And such a woman may have a good reason for giving off that sort of vibe.

 

Also, we need to keep in mind that this conversation between PrettyEmily and this guy occurred at work. Most people tend to be at least slightly more guarded and careful not to show too much vulnerability while at work or around coworkers outside of work...as opposed to when they're hanging out with their good trustworthy non-work friends. And that is wise, and it can easily be done at work while still being sociable, approachable and genuinely friendly and happy.

 

If I was your male acquaintance's boss and found out that he was making comments like that to a female coworker (or heck, even a male coworker), then I would frown on that and at the very least document it in his personnel file. Maybe I'll pull him aside for a brief chat and warn him to tone it down.

[CptInsano]

[...]

I can't believe this guy, who I don't even know that well, has managed to make me feel a little insecure about the fact I'm not insecure!!

 

Well, in your initial post you said that there was some truth to it. But maybe that's just part of your persona at work, and he simply doesn't know the rest of you.

[PrettyEmily77]

I agree with those who suggested to not care what he thinks.

 

I think your male colleague chose his words poorly, and he seems kinda judgmental. When I think of an "ice queen", I think of someone who is NOT approachable and (obviously) NOT warm. And such a woman may have a good reason for giving off that sort of vibe.

 

Also, we need to keep in mind that this conversation between PrettyEmily and this guy occurred at work. Most people tend to be at least slightly more guarded and careful not to show too much vulnerability while at work or around coworkers outside of work...as opposed to when they're hanging out with their good trustworthy non-work friends. And that is wise, and it can easily be done at work while still being sociable, approachable and genuinely friendly and happy.

 

If I was your male acquaintance's boss and found out that he was making comments like that to a female coworker (or heck, even a male coworker), then I would frown on that and at the very least document it in his personnel file. Maybe I'll pull him aside for a brief chat and warn him to tone it down.

 

I'm in the UK and working relations are a little less constrained than in the USA, but I take your point. I took it as him trying to give me 'fatherly' advice (that my own father would never dare give me, but anyway) and I'm not sure it's worth alerting HR over it.

 

In hindsight, Popsicle was right in that I probably did show some vulnerability that day in the sense that I allowed myself to answer his personal question (which I don't normally do at work).

 

 

Well, in your initial post you said that there was some truth to it. But maybe that's just part of your persona at work, and he simply doesn't know the rest of you.

 

That's the other thing. In truth, I know I'm guarded with men but that's intentional. I recognise I have trust issues but I actually think they have served me well, not worked against me if that makes sense. Probably more of a 'guy-reader' than trust issues, really.

 

It may be circumstantial, too - I've just started this new job and I'm about to complete a long-term project that has been part of my life for years so I've been questioning myself generally, plus I have had to answer that 'why are you single?' thing more often than usual and have found myself trying to justify my status and fighting off stupid judgement calls right and left, so maybe I took it as more than it was intended.

Edited March 20, 2017 by PrettyEmily77