PrettyEmily77 Posted March 17, 2017 Posted March 17, 2017 So I was having a conversation with a male acquaintance at my new place of work who was asking me, as is usual with most new people I meet, why was single at my age as I was showing no obvious signs of dysfunction (if only he knew...). Anyway. I told him what I usually tell myself, because that's what I genuinely believe to be the case - I'm happy single, I feel I've negotiated a near nervous breakdown and mid-life crisis after a particularly toxic LTR relatively well and now almost unscathed (apart from residual trust issues, I guess), I feel emotionally totally stable, I'm finally doing what I've always wanted to do professionally, I have a healthy relationship with my family and very supportive, long-standing friends and I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything by being with someone. He's much older than I am, has been married forever and has really no interest in me in 'that way' apart from acting as bit of a mentor where I am now, which is why l like talking to him and sort of trust his judgement on a lot of things. He told me that all may be true, but that I was also giving off an 'ice queen' super secure kind of vibe to potentially interested men. I'd never thought of it before as I have always been told I came across as approachable and non-judgmental as a friend, I like flirty banter and find myself talking to random people pretty much every day on my commute to work (anyone, not just men). I also make a conscious effort not to show any vulnerable sides to anyone that doesn't know me well as it never served me well in the past. So to say it threw me quite a bit is an understatement, and I'll admit it hurt my ego a little, but I also see some truth in what he's saying - I know have a wall up since that very destructive RL, but I guess I didn't really realise how high that protective wall has be allowed to build. So my question to you good people of LS is: How do I work on dropping that seeming 'ice queen' act? I've been gradually working towards feeling myself again for years and I feel like I'm at that point now, but obviously I've not had it all figured out so any advice will be appreciated. 1
d0nnivain Posted March 17, 2017 Posted March 17, 2017 Just smile more & make eye contact / be genuinely interested when people talk to you. 2
Author PrettyEmily77 Posted March 17, 2017 Author Posted March 17, 2017 Just smile more & make eye contact / be genuinely interested when people talk to you. Thanks for the reply, d0nnivain. That's what's throwing me a little, though - I thought I was doing that already! I think my problem is my guard comes up right after that stage, especially with single men. Unless I'm completely in control (ie I do the approaching), I freak out a little. That's how I interpreted what my colleague was saying to me, anyway, because in hindsight, that's probably true.
d0nnivain Posted March 17, 2017 Posted March 17, 2017 I have the same problem. People often tell me I am hard to get to know because I'm so tough. I think I'm a big softy but you can't fix other people's perceptions. 2
thefooloftheyear Posted March 17, 2017 Posted March 17, 2017 Please don't be upset as I am trying to be constructive, but even though we are all nothing but anonymous "beings" on this type of forum, if you are anything IRL like how you act/react here in your posts, I can completely agree with your friends assessment... And Id say that outside of being downright unattractive/obese, its the number one reason many women continually fail to keep/attract good men... I don't know how you would "fix" that...My mother, who I love dearly, is kinda the same way...She split from my father when she was under 40 and NEVER got with another man again(40 years later!)...She was/is a very attractive woman with a lot of good qualities, but no guy wants to crack that exterior shell.....And I can't blame them..She does seem content, so I guess that's good...But I don't explore those topics with her...Thats her business.. Some women are just more inviting and "warm"...Id also have to say that women who are above 35 and have been mothers seem more warm than those that haven't...Of course there are exceptions and understand, I am not being critical, just sharing life experiences.. There is also another element... We try to program women to be career minded and go after all of the things men do...And that's really terrific..I am fully on board with that...The problem, though, is some careers and the upward mobility involved, cause women to get an almost masculine(aggressive?) demeanor about them...Its a turnoff for a majority of men...Is that the case here? I dunno.. I know we have clashed on here, and believe me, I know I have my own issues-so I am not trying to play Mr Do Good.....But I think you are an intelligent and insightful woman, and I wish the best for you in whatever your further growth is as a person.. TFY 4
Author PrettyEmily77 Posted March 17, 2017 Author Posted March 17, 2017 (edited) Please don't be upset as I am trying to be constructive, but even though we are all nothing but anonymous "beings" on this type of forum, if you are anything IRL like how you act/react here in your posts, I can completely agree with your friends assessment... And Id say that outside of being downright unattractive/obese, its the number one reason many women continually fail to keep/attract good men... I don't know how you would "fix" that...My mother, who I love dearly, is kinda the same way...She split from my father when she was under 40 and NEVER got with another man again(40 years later!)...She was/is a very attractive woman with a lot of good qualities, but no guy wants to crack that exterior shell.....And I can't blame them..She does seem content, so I guess that's good...But I don't explore those topics with her...Thats her business.. Some women are just more inviting and "warm"...Id also have to say that women who are above 35 and have been mothers seem more warm than those that haven't...Of course there are exceptions and understand, I am not being critical, just sharing life experiences.. There is also another element... We try to program women to be career minded and go after all of the things men do...And that's really terrific..I am fully on board with that...The problem, though, is some careers and the upward mobility involved, cause women to get an almost masculine(aggressive?) demeanor about them...Its a turnoff for a majority of men...Is that the case here? I dunno.. I know we have clashed on here, and believe me, I know I have my own issues-so I am not trying to play Mr Do Good.....But I think you are an intelligent and insightful woman, and I wish the best for you in whatever your further growth is as a person.. TFY Haha, thanks for the blunt honesty TFY! I actually prefer it to sugar-coating so no feelings hurt at all! If that helps, I don't have a problem attracting men - it's more that I don't let them in. Nothing to do with career or personal circumstances (I'm a lot softer IRL than I am on LS!!) , but I guess I am super scared of getting hurt and I'm not sure I can get past that. Edited March 17, 2017 by PrettyEmily77 4
CptInsano Posted March 17, 2017 Posted March 17, 2017 If that helps, I don't have a problem attracting men - it's more that I don't let them in. Nothing to do with career or personal circumstances (I'm a lot softer IRL than I am on LS!!) , but I guess I am super scared of getting hurt and I'm not sure I can get past that. I had a friend who gave off a similar vibe, and it came down to the same reason: She didn't trust men and it inherently showed in all interpersonal interactions. Men found her attractive, but she didn't even notice real interest, because she almost immediately became defensive. And yes, that is hard to overcome. 1
Haydn Posted March 17, 2017 Posted March 17, 2017 The girls would agree... `Ice Queens` no worries. 3
Author PrettyEmily77 Posted March 17, 2017 Author Posted March 17, 2017 I had a friend who gave off a similar vibe, and it came down to the same reason: She didn't trust men and it inherently showed in all interpersonal interactions. Men found her attractive, but she didn't even notice real interest, because she almost immediately became defensive. And yes, that is hard to overcome. Well that's cheered me up! . On the upside, I'm a very good, non-threatening friend to my male friends so that's a plus, I guess... The girls would agree... `Ice Queens` no worries. 'No right, no wrong, no rules for me, I'm freeeeeeee'. Almost. Soon. In a few months' time. Maybe. 1
preraph Posted March 17, 2017 Posted March 17, 2017 I have that. A lot of it IS being self-satisfied and not desperate, and throw in being happy with a career or whatever, and suddenly you're an ice queen and they are intimidated by you. I will tell you what this left attracted to me, and that is basically three types. One is people like me, ambitious, maybe in the same field, who shared my interests; two, guys to drunk to be afraid; three, guys too alpha to be afraid, amazing guys who it was a pleasure to know if only briefly. So it is a filter and it's not all bad. That said, all you have to do to take away their "ice queen" pathetic excuse for not having enough confidence to deal with it, is smile more. They can't call you an ice queen if you smile more. This will, of course, attract all types you would rather have filtered out, but it might also attract some new friends. 3
Author PrettyEmily77 Posted March 17, 2017 Author Posted March 17, 2017 (edited) I have that. A lot of it IS being self-satisfied and not desperate, and throw in being happy with a career or whatever, and suddenly you're an ice queen and they are intimidated by you. I will tell you what this left attracted to me, and that is basically three types. One is people like me, ambitious, maybe in the same field, who shared my interests; two, guys to drunk to be afraid; three, guys too alpha to be afraid, amazing guys who it was a pleasure to know if only briefly. So it is a filter and it's not all bad. That said, all you have to do to take away their "ice queen" pathetic excuse for not having enough confidence to deal with it, is smile more. They can't call you an ice queen if you smile more. This will, of course, attract all types you would rather have filtered out, but it might also attract some new friends. Yeah, the filter thing rings true for sure, and it does enable to suss people out more quickly (genuine vs 'players' vs insecure wrecks, for instance). I like that outlook preraph, because it makes it sound like it's totally a choice! It isn't always for me (I do have trust issues) but yeah, maybe it's just that the guy who can change all that will have to be extraordinarily secure, patient and easy-going... Point taken on the smile thing. I am quite friendly and approachable IRL (I have to in my new job anyway), but I guess I smile more to strangers I'm not likely to see again or with people I'm very comfortable with than with casual acquaintances. I have no major hang ups with the way I've lived my life, and it's not like I'm interested in having a romantic relationship at the moment - it's more that I don't want to close myself off to it completely in the future if the right guy came along, and I'm not sure how to keep an open mind. Edited March 17, 2017 by PrettyEmily77 1
curiouslysearching Posted March 17, 2017 Posted March 17, 2017 So I was having a conversation with a male acquaintance at my new place of work who was asking me, as is usual with most new people I meet, why was single at my age as I was showing no obvious signs of dysfunction (if only he knew...). Anyway. I told him what I usually tell myself, because that's what I genuinely believe to be the case - I'm happy single, I feel I've negotiated a near nervous breakdown and mid-life crisis after a particularly toxic LTR relatively well and now almost unscathed (apart from residual trust issues, I guess), I feel emotionally totally stable, I'm finally doing what I've always wanted to do professionally, I have a healthy relationship with my family and very supportive, long-standing friends and I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything by being with someone. He's much older than I am, has been married forever and has really no interest in me in 'that way' apart from acting as bit of a mentor where I am now, which is why l like talking to him and sort of trust his judgement on a lot of things. He told me that all may be true, but that I was also giving off an 'ice queen' super secure kind of vibe to potentially interested men. I'd never thought of it before as I have always been told I came across as approachable and non-judgmental as a friend, I like flirty banter and find myself talking to random people pretty much every day on my commute to work (anyone, not just men). I also make a conscious effort not to show any vulnerable sides to anyone that doesn't know me well as it never served me well in the past. So to say it threw me quite a bit is an understatement, and I'll admit it hurt my ego a little, but I also see some truth in what he's saying - I know have a wall up since that very destructive RL, but I guess I didn't really realise how high that protective wall has be allowed to build. So my question to you good people of LS is: How do I work on dropping that seeming 'ice queen' act? I've been gradually working towards feeling myself again for years and I feel like I'm at that point now, but obviously I've not had it all figured out so any advice will be appreciated. You do know in certain parts of the world there is another term often used to describe an "ice queen"......of course, I have never uttered that word
Author PrettyEmily77 Posted March 17, 2017 Author Posted March 17, 2017 You do know in certain parts of the world there is another term often used to describe an "ice queen"......of course, I have never uttered that word I have no idea what you're referring to, but I'm guessing it's something sweet and respectful or you wouldn't have bothered to post this in all your helpfulness, right? 2
preraph Posted March 17, 2017 Posted March 17, 2017 You may notice that a lot of really beautiful women look like ice queens, and that's because they get sick of being approached too much, so it's an intentional message they're sending that if I don't seem interested, don't approach me. 1
preraph Posted March 17, 2017 Posted March 17, 2017 Yeah, the filter thing rings true for sure, and it does enable to suss people out more quickly (genuine vs 'players' vs insecure wrecks, for instance). I like that outlook preraph, because it makes it sound like it's totally a choice! It isn't always for me (I do have trust issues) but yeah, maybe it's just that the guy who can change all that will have to be extraordinarily secure, patient and easy-going... Point taken on the smile thing. I am quite friendly and approachable IRL (I have to in my new job anyway), but I guess I smile more to strangers I'm not likely to see again or with people I'm very comfortable with than with casual acquaintances. I have no major hang ups with the way I've lived my life, and it's not like I'm interested in having a romantic relationship at the moment - it's more that I don't want to close myself off to it completely in the future if the right guy came along, and I'm not sure how to keep an open mind. We always have the choice to change things about ourselves. It just sometimes takes incentive to get us moving on it, or a lot of thought about it first. 1
curiouslysearching Posted March 17, 2017 Posted March 17, 2017 I have no idea what you're referring to, but I'm guessing it's something sweet and respectful or you wouldn't have bothered to post this in all your helpfulness, right? Exactly, "that word" and PrettyEmily have no place in the same sentence....you are simply tooooooooo pretty for that. 1
curiouslysearching Posted March 17, 2017 Posted March 17, 2017 You may notice that a lot of really beautiful women look like ice queens, and that's because they get sick of being approached too much, so it's an intentional message they're sending that if I don't seem interested, don't approach me. I can relate Pre....although I am out of the opposite gender, I have had to deal with it my whole life. It is quite the burden to bare
Author PrettyEmily77 Posted March 17, 2017 Author Posted March 17, 2017 We always have the choice to change things about ourselves. It just sometimes takes incentive to get us moving on it, or a lot of thought about it first. For sure. Whatever 'vibe' I give hasn't stopped me from having a social life I'm comfortable with or male attention, so I guess I'm not that bothered about attracting guys after all. I have an idea of an ideal RL in my head (exclusive but not living together, committed but not enmeshed, enough communication to keep the connection going but not enough to be smothered) which doesn't seem to appeal to men anyway, so I also think I'm overthinking this whole 'ice queen' thing slightly - maybe I'm not that scared of being hurt after all, and I'm just, you know, happy as I am and a bit weirded out about being cool about it? Anyway. Yeah maybe the incentive is lacking somewhat. Thanks for keeping things in perspective for me, preraph!
curiouslysearching Posted March 17, 2017 Posted March 17, 2017 PE just rock positive vibes and let it roll............. 1
Author PrettyEmily77 Posted March 17, 2017 Author Posted March 17, 2017 Exactly, "that word" and PrettyEmily have no place in the same sentence....you are simply tooooooooo pretty for that. Ok... Just to clear any misunderstanding up, that's an attempt at humour, right?
curiouslysearching Posted March 17, 2017 Posted March 17, 2017 Yes, it was a poor attempt at humor. I was hoping you would laugh a little and possibly smile......people need to smile more and cherish the moments they have in this world...you are a good lady I am certain of that
Author PrettyEmily77 Posted March 17, 2017 Author Posted March 17, 2017 (edited) You may notice that a lot of really beautiful women look like ice queens, and that's because they get sick of being approached too much, so it's an intentional message they're sending that if I don't seem interested, don't approach me. Yeah I mean that guy just said I gave off that vibe, I don't think he was intimating anything about my physical appearance, just to be clear! I mean I'm not totally unattractive but 'really beautiful' would be a few stretches too far so I don't think that bit applies!! Edited March 17, 2017 by PrettyEmily77
curiouslysearching Posted March 18, 2017 Posted March 18, 2017 Yeah I mean that guy just said I gave off that vibe, I don't think he was intimating anything about my physical appearance, just to be clear! I mean I'm not totally unattractive but 'really beautiful' would be a few stretches too far so I don't think that bit applies!! come Emily...........you are pretty admit it and you will feel much better 1
Author PrettyEmily77 Posted March 18, 2017 Author Posted March 18, 2017 come Emily...........you are pretty admit it and you will feel much better You realise that PrettyEmily77 is just my handle, not my actual name, right?
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