janmessage Posted March 16, 2017 Posted March 16, 2017 Hi everyone, hoping to find some helpful advice & kind words. Sorry in advance for the long post, it helped me a bit to get this off my chest! I (26M), and my now ex (25F) had been together for over 4 years, and have broken up 1 week ago. We had lived with each other for just over 18 months with our 2 dogs in our rental condo. Since the beginning of our relationship, I have known that my partner suffers from a number of personal issues, such as OCD and stress/anxiety issues, and has had instances of abuse in past relationships. But I know that issues like this add a whole separate dimension to a person’s though process and to a relationship too. Arguments & fights between us have never been easy. I have some anxiety issues in my life too, but learned to keep them aside when arguing. We would sit down after a fight & talk about how we could feel better & happier together and identify a course of action. After making a plan & putting it to work, she would seemingly be back in a better mood & begin to be the happy, wonderful person I know & love again! But many times, often what seemed to be like switch being flipped, she would fall back into a state of sadness & low energy, begin to question my level of attraction & commitment towards her again, and say she's not happy. It hurt to hear this. One day she would want things to get better and for our relationship to work, the next day would seem almost completely checked out and unwilling stay together, and another be apologetic & say she loves me and really is trying, but was still very stressed. Over time, this sort of “routine” seemed to develop into a larger issue of general mistrust towards me, and that anything I did or said wrong in a past fight would be brought up again eventually, even though I had apologized & tried to work on rectifying the situation so we could move on. Admittedly, it has left me frustrated on a number of occasions, as I feel like I was being lied to, and that my efforts weren't appreciated. After dealing with this a number of times, I became more stressed & withdrawn myself, my sex drive fell & general feeling of confidence began to suffer. I know this only served to enhance the difficulties we tried to overcome together, and I’m sure I became a less attractive and strong person in her eyes because of this. I feel like this behavior from myself let her and the relationship down, and was another deciding factor to where we sit now. I accept full responsibility for that. Anyway, Our break up was 1 week ago. We had got in an argument the previous week, but it seemed discussing it & working towards a solution wasn't helping. When I pressed her as to why, she informed me that while she knew I was trying, she's not sure she sees a future with me & the relationship any more. Almost immediately she then asked me to move out. I was extremely hurt. I begged her to reconsider (I know, it probably looked pathetic), but she said she has to focus on herself. I've been down this painful path before in my last relationship, so I knew I needed to just sadly but respectfully move ahead with this request, even though I still really want to fix things between us & be with her. When I told her that it was going to be very tough for me to find somewhere suitable to go on short notice, she said it would be OK for me to continue staying at the house as long as I needed, even upwards of a few months, and that she would even sleep on the couch until then. I refused this, and told her I do not want to come home every day to a place that for me sadly wasn’t “home” anymore. Why would she suggest that as an arrangement if she truly wanted me to leave & for us to break up then and there? I also felt weird tonight when I stopped by the house tonight to get my laptop & a few other things for work. After arriving, she offered to help me pack up things & move some things to my temporary residence, but told me that I could come over anytime that was convenient for me to get the rest of things (it will take another few larger moves to get my things out completely). I told her that I could come back when she's at work next week if she'd rather not be here, but she said that anytime good for me was would be OK. It just struck me as strange. Why give me the option to show up unannounced anytime I need to over the little while if she was adamant for me to move out & end the relationship? The entire time I was there getting my things, she stood looking sadly at the kitchen floor after I declined her help. I pet the dogs for a few minutes (that was upsetting ), said thanks for letting me come over, and had an awkward pause where we looked at each other for a moment before I left as she slowly shut the front door. My gut is telling me it's just her trying to be nice and not feel as guilty about everything, and I feel a bit stupid for likely looking for something that isn’t there. Even reading this back before posting, I know people who read this will think I’m crazy for wanting to fix this relationship. I’m just so unsure what to do. Does she in truth want me to reach out to her & fight for this? Did I act too soon in regards to moving out almost right away instead of waiting to see if this is actually what she really wants? I have been completely No Contact aside from last night, but I don't know if this is the right move either. I only say this because in past instances where she's asked for some space to think about our relationship, she would become upset and accuse me of not reaching out to her or attempting to fix things if I went silent or kept conversation to a minimum when taking time apart (confusing!). I want to be with this woman, and repair & rebuild our relationship, but she’s extremely hard to read & understand sometimes. I know we aren’t intentionally trying to hurt each other, but I feel like she sadly doesn’t have patience for anything anymore. Despite all this, she really is and has been worth all the extra effort to me, and I love her very much. To sum it up, I've just lost my home, dogs, and most of all the love of my life in the span of a week. I'm trying as hard as I can to hold it together right now, but I feel alone and scared. I feel nervous even posting all this, but hopefully it can help me figure out what to do next. Any advice or insight would be helpful, and thank you in advance. Jan
airborne3502 Posted March 16, 2017 Posted March 16, 2017 To sum it up, I've just lost my home, dogs, and most of all the love of my life in the span of a week. I'm trying as hard as I can to hold it together right now, but I feel alone and scared. I feel nervous even posting all this, but hopefully it can help me figure out what to do next. Any advice or insight would be helpful, and thank you in advance. I'm sorry to hear that Jan. When I see a poster with one post, and a story like this, I know that someone else is looking for a life preserver to cling to like I did. This complicated relationship was obviously taking a lot out of you. Don't beat yourself up too much about what you could or should have done. Take this time to heal up as best you can. I take my pain to the gym, and there's not much left of it when I get home. Find the thing that soothes your soul and brings you peace. If only for a little while. Go no contact with your ex for the thirty day trial run. She may start blowing up your phone the whole time because you're the only one that "gets her." or You may not hear from her at all. All you can do is start to live the best possible life for yourself, as if she's gone forever. Best of luck to you on your journey.
Whodatdog Posted March 16, 2017 Posted March 16, 2017 I dont see anything strange about her letting you come and get your things whenever you want to. Shes just being accomodating to you moving out. She's not wanting a bad break up here, she just doesnt want a relationship with you anymore. I dont see her wanting you to fight for the relationship at all. She wouldnt ask you to move out if she did. Listen To What She Is Telling You And Believe Her! I know its sudden for you, but she's been thinking about breaking up long before this. Unfortunately its how it is with break ups. The one doing the breaking up has probably thought of it long before it actually happened. It sounded like the relationship was pretty contentious for a while.
Author janmessage Posted March 17, 2017 Author Posted March 17, 2017 Thanks for responding Airbone & Whodatdog. I know my post sounded desperate, it's just been a really tough time for me. It hard when I've had friends tell me to both keep in contact with my ex & see if she really is serious about breaking up, and others telling me to just go on & get out of there & not look back. While I want to salvage this, the best option for me might be to just to get my things, leave with dignity & start to heal. I appreciate some outside insight. I will more than likely run into my ex this upcoming weekend (we share a lot of mutual friends), but I will try to maintain my composure & have a good time regardless. Hope to have a more positive update in the coming days!
hunk Posted March 17, 2017 Posted March 17, 2017 (edited) Here's the objective breakdown of your relationship and why it fell apart in a neat little time-line I've put together for you because I'm just that sort of generous man. - You got together when you were both 21/22. Your relationship was fun and exciting and she was very much attracted to you and into you and into having you as her boyfriend. You were figuring eachother out but for the most part it was fun and sex and "newness". - She became accustomed to your personality which is obviously one of rationality, kindness, loyalty, all good and "nice" traits in a man. - Gradually, as you become closer, these traits began to turn her off in slow increments. The discussions after every fight, the logical "communication" and "mutual understandings" that you valued as being strong parts of your relationship were just not attractive to her, being a woman in her early 20's. She wanted to feel strong emotion towards you and sit-down discussions and "rectifying the situation" through talking just isn't what will make a woman bond to you. You should've had blow ups every now and then where you put your foot down and let her feel like she was with an assertive, masculine male because most of the time this is why she would've been starting fights and arguments - to test whether you're a strong enough man. Now you know. - She is accustomed to abusive relationships where the men she was dating were probably the polar opposite of you. Sadly, these are the men she is most attracted to especially since she's so young (she will outwardly deny this and might not even consciously know this, but it's the truth). You did nothing wrong. She was holding out with you hoping you might show some of the traits that she is fundamentally attracted to in other men (dominance, aggressiveness, leadership, sexual command) but unfortunately you didn't and this became apparent to her, that you aren't the sort of man she wants to be with. - You moved in together and her attraction was in free fall at this point as you became like family to her. Her confusion as to why she wasn't feeling the same towards you began to manifest in fights and arguments and her picking at you. You believed it was things you had actually done and therefore things you could fix, so you ramped up the apologizing and supplicating "beta male" behavior in hopes she would be happy. This had the opposite effect and turned her off completely. - The lack of sex compounded this and allowed her to detach from you quicker, her feelings completely changing from those of sexual, romantic investment to you basically becoming a friend and like family in her eyes. You stopped being her lover entirely, this is why she was comfortable with having you stay in the house and even being willing to sleep on the couch. She is just completely unable to see you as a sexual prospect any more, you've quite literally become like her brother. - She is now relieved the relationship is over, she is sad because she has hurt you but she is relieved to be out of the relationship and free to pursue other options and move on with her life. I'm sorry to come across this brutal and all of this is horrible to hear. It is the truth. This is fundamentally what happens in every relationship that ends the way yours did. It really, really sucks but you need to accept the reasons for her behavior and her ending the relationship. Do not contact her ever again once you've got your things from her place. She doesn't want to be with you and is on the lookout for new men. She is happy the relationship is over. Go into grieving mode and process what has happened, and then go straight into No Contact indefinitely. Sadly, there is nothing to "work on" or "rebuild". She's fundamentally finished with you as a sexual partner and there is nothing you can do about this once the light has gone off. Focus on working on and rebuilding yourself into the man you were when you first got together, find someone new and never stop being that man. Edited March 17, 2017 by hunk
Author janmessage Posted March 17, 2017 Author Posted March 17, 2017 Thanks for the response and advice hunk, No need to apologize for that all sounding brutal. It was brutal. It's an awful realization to come to, but you are probably right about everything. I read your post over about 10 times now, and have been letting a lot of it sink in. It's probably been the most honest (if brutal) words I've encountered since I've sought advice. It's kinda flipped a switch in my head, and I'm beginning to look at things differently. I did become a weak, desperate looking person in the relationship. I wasn't as strong and confident as I should have been. I let things get too familiar and routine. The attraction was lost. I let all of this happen and now, I'm paying for it big time. Time to own up to that. Truthfully, all of this makes me angry with myself most of all. I don't want to be that kind of man. I didn't think I was, but damn, the writing is on the wall that something needs to be fixed. I need to improve my life and mentality so I can start to feel better, look better, and have the drive to constantly improve. This is going to be a tough journey, but not one I'm dreading. I know its for the best. I'm looking forward to the challenge. You're right about getting my things out & cutting off contact for good. I have to take what she said to me in it's most basic form: She's not happy, and she doesn't see a future with me. Then it's time for me to go, rebuild my life from the ground up to be who I want to be, and begin to heal. No one wants to start over, but I guess we have to sometimes. Damn, that was hard to type, but hopefully this post marks the beginning of a new path for me.
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