ScoffLaw Posted July 26, 2005 Posted July 26, 2005 Has anyone here become a single parent by choice? Did you intentionally set out to start a family on your own? I am thinking of going this route because I have always wanted to have children while I'm still young, healthy and have the energy (I'm 29). Unfortunately, my four-year relationship, which I'm sure would have eventually lead to us having children, fell apart 7 months ago. So this leaves me alone at the precise time in my life when I would seriously be considering getting pregnant a year or two from now. So now I have to seriously consider the possibility of being a single parent. I don't want to put the rest of my life on hold just because I don't have a man around. But I am a child of divorce who knows how hard it can be to raise children alone, so the prospect of doing so on purpose makes me sort of scared. Plus, I know that children benefit from a father-figure in their lives. Would I be depriving my child of something he/she really needs? Any insight from someone whose been there would really be helpful. Thanks.
Merin Posted July 26, 2005 Posted July 26, 2005 I did not have my Little People as a single parent by choice so I cannot offer a lot of perspective on that.. What I can tell you is being a Parent is hard, being a single Parent is sometimes even harder. Financially I do okay in raising my Kid's.. their Dad does help out with Child Support as well. Emotionally I also am doing well in raising my Little People BUT I do have to say that both of my Kid's have tended to look for opportunity to become close with males (My EXBF was very tight with them and my Currant BF my Kids are crazy about) I've also noticed that both of my Kiddo's are closer with my own Dad than they are with my Mom, again I think it's the reaching out for Male affection... Other things to consider before making this decision are... 1) There are a lot of Men/Women who do not want or feel comfortable with the idea that you have children and it isn't with them, this can often limit you to whom you can date or want to date. 2) When you are a single parent it can also be difficult even when you do find someone you'd like to date and get to know to actually find the time to do so.. as you've got a little person you're responsible for 24/7 3) You no longer can make choices and/or decisions based on whats good for you, but now all things must be considered in a different light for whats okay and good for your little people as well. Again, being a Parent is hard, being a single parent presents a whole new set of challenges. Good Luck with whatever you decide
Author ScoffLaw Posted July 26, 2005 Author Posted July 26, 2005 Thanks for your reply. I've thought about the problems with dating, but I'm not going to worry about that. It can't really be a factor in whether I choose to have children or not, because if I say to myself that I need a partner to have a child, I become one of those desperate women searching for a man before my biological clock explodes. I'm not a man-hunter (I suck at it, and besides, the thought appalls me morally), and plus, who's to say that I will find that man before I'm 50? And by then it's too late to have children, which is something I know I want to experience, which it is possible for me to do on my own, and which I must do within a limited amount of time, if I'm to do it at all. I'm not rich, but I know my needs will always be met. I will have enough money next year to buy my own home, which is a good first step. I know kids gravitate toward a father figure. When my own father turned out to be a disappointment, I found another father in my mother's boyfriend of 12 years. He helped me grow up. He put me through school, and it's thanks to him that I'll be buying my own place. He's now my nephews' grandpa, more than their real grandfather. I wish I had a partner, but I don't. I have to deal with what I have. I have me, I have my family. I think I can be a good mother. But I am nervous, I'll admit.
Merin Posted July 26, 2005 Posted July 26, 2005 Originally posted by ScoffLaw Thanks for your reply. I've thought about the problems with dating, but I'm not going to worry about that. It can't really be a factor in whether I choose to have children or not, because if I say to myself that I need a partner to have a child, I become one of those desperate women searching for a man before my biological clock explodes. I'm not a man-hunter (I suck at it, and besides, the thought appalls me morally), and plus, who's to say that I will find that man before I'm 50? And by then it's too late to have children, which is something I know I want to experience, which it is possible for me to do on my own, and which I must do within a limited amount of time, if I'm to do it at all. I'm not rich, but I know my needs will always be met. I will have enough money next year to buy my own home, which is a good first step. I know kids gravitate toward a father figure. When my own father turned out to be a disappointment, I found another father in my mother's boyfriend of 12 years. He helped me grow up. He put me through school, and it's thanks to him that I'll be buying my own place. He's now my nephews' grandpa, more than their real grandfather. I wish I had a partner, but I don't. I have to deal with what I have. I have me, I have my family. I think I can be a good mother. But I am nervous, I'll admit. I hope you didn't get from my reply that I'm saying you can't have Little people without a Partner.. I'm saying that being a Parent was the hardest thing I had ever done even when I was married but being a Single Parent has added a whole new set of issues... Parenting is hard regardless.. I wouldn't give it up for anything.. as it's been hard at times, it's also the best thing I've ever done in my life.
clandestinidad Posted July 26, 2005 Posted July 26, 2005 I'm a single mother of a 2y/o daughter. i agree w/ Merin about everything, especially her 3 points. I've been doing this alone since my girl was 4 months old (well, technically he was here but worthless for those first 4 months), and its definately the hardest and most rewarding thing I've ever done. Right now I have a boyfriend, and he's been uncomfortable w/ my parental status this whole time (1 year). I'm not going to wait much longer for him to accept it and get comfortable with it. I'm telling you that just to say that if you DO decide to do this, dont waste time with someone who doesnt like it. Its put a LOT of strain on our relationship....mainly about how I cant do things spontaneously, and we dont get to go on dates every weekend.....it makes a relationship pretty hard. anyway, she just woke up so I gotta get her!!!!!!! (she's so cute)
hobo Posted August 8, 2005 Posted August 8, 2005 Hi there I've been a single parent, but not through choice. All I can say is that as the others say, it is the hardest thing in the world being a normal parent. Being a single one is all that much harder. Simple tasks such as going to work is a logistical nightmare. I hope I am way off base here but you need to make sure that having a child is not a reaction to the fact you may be feeling lonely. You also need to consider the life your child would lead and what role the father would play. He should not be relegated to sperm donor status and regardless your child will naturally want to find out more about him. I would say don't do it myself. Having been a single parent myself, I cannot imagine ever someone actually choosing to be one.
shamen Posted August 8, 2005 Posted August 8, 2005 Hi, Admittedly, I'm not a single mom by choice (no kids), but a very close friend of mine did this. I was her lamaze (spelling?) partner. She is convinced that it was the best thing that she ever did in her life, she was in her early 40s when she did it, so she was really looking at the biological clock. Some other things to keep in mind (besides the points that Merin and other people have already mentioned): 1) If you did it, would you plan on getting child support from the father? My friend initially said no, then changed her mind about a year into it because it was so expensive. Caused a huge boatload of problems when she changed her mind. 2) You're only 29. You've got plenty of years left to get married, get pregnant. Why not put this plan off for a while?
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