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About to break up and i keep making it worse. I don't understand her way of coping

Carolina9192

By Carolina9192
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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Carolina9192 Member

Carolina9192

Posted
Posted

Thanks in advance for any positive and helpful feedback.

 

Due to yet another very minor stupid deal that we cannot agree on, we have both made a mess with hurtful texts to each other. She practically broke it off and then vaguely told me she wants to work on it. Yes I ask her a yes or no question and she gives an indirect vague answer. I have hurt her in this aruguement. I have sincerely apologized for my part and I want us to get back together. the sooner we can start with positive and productive talks the better we will feel about it.

 

Basically she wants space and to take it slow. I get this. I will give her the space. i put in a text to her that i am very sorry about what i have caused. I am now aware of the things that i brought up to make her mad and I will not do that again. I would like to text only about positive things that are productive to our relationship. I will not text even though i want to.

 

She wants to take this slow. I didn't know it was this slow. Yesterday i called after the big blow up and was trying to just have a conversation about anything. she was quiet. grumpy. short. uhhh so i did cut the call short to not let that bother me and i end up making it worse. That's on her to be grumpy after the appologies.

 

what I am looking for in the next step for a phone call conversation is not what she will actually say to me. I am looking for her to say "ok lets talk about how we improve our relationship."

 

But when we do talk next time on the phone she will likely just be quiet and grumpy again. Quiet, snappy and short responses is a big turn off for someone who is wanting to move forward in our relationship. She will probably not even bring up the fact that she is calling to try to work on us and move on. When she wants to talk and move forward, how do i handle this and what can i do? I am a positive person and she see it as i am able to get past the hurt easily because I'm not grumpy on the phone when we talk after arguing. like it didn't effect. me.

kgcolonel Established Member

kgcolonel

Posted
Posted

If she is wanting to move forward, let her initiate the next call. If she accuses you of not taking the steps, explain to her that her mood was such that indicated that she still needed more space which you were trying to comply.

  • Like 3
preraph Established Member

preraph

Posted
Posted

When someone asks for space, tell them you will give them space and to contact you when they're tired of having space.

  • Like 3
Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

Posted
Posted
Thanks in advance for any positive and helpful feedback.

 

Due to yet another very minor stupid deal that we cannot agree on, we have both made a mess with hurtful texts to each other. She practically broke it off and then vaguely told me she wants to work on it. Yes I ask her a yes or no question and she gives an indirect vague answer. I have hurt her in this aruguement. I have sincerely apologized for my part and I want us to get back together. the sooner we can start with positive and productive talks the better we will feel about it.

 

Basically she wants space and to take it slow. I get this. I will give her the space. i put in a text to her that i am very sorry about what i have caused. I am now aware of the things that i brought up to make her mad and I will not do that again. I would like to text only about positive things that are productive to our relationship. I will not text even though i want to.

 

She wants to take this slow. I didn't know it was this slow. Yesterday i called after the big blow up and was trying to just have a conversation about anything. she was quiet. grumpy. short. uhhh so i did cut the call short to not let that bother me and i end up making it worse. That's on her to be grumpy after the appologies.

 

what I am looking for in the next step for a phone call conversation is not what she will actually say to me. I am looking for her to say "ok lets talk about how we improve our relationship."

 

But when we do talk next time on the phone she will likely just be quiet and grumpy again. Quiet, snappy and short responses is a big turn off for someone who is wanting to move forward in our relationship. She will probably not even bring up the fact that she is calling to try to work on us and move on. When she wants to talk and move forward, how do i handle this and what can i do? I am a positive person and she see it as i am able to get past the hurt easily because I'm not grumpy on the phone when we talk after arguing. like it didn't effect. me.

 

When someone tells me they need space, I become NASA. They can contact Houston when/if they figure out what their problem is. And, if they take too long, they may not have a place to land their aircraft.

  • Like 1
spiderowl Established Member

spiderowl

Posted
Posted

If you are having arguments with her, then there is some reason why you two cannot come to agreements. Maybe there is underlying distrust? Maybe she does not want to make it work, therefore it isn't. Usually people do not get over big 'blow ups' where there is lingering anger. What is the anger all about? Are you trying to pressure her? Is she trying to pressure you? What is going on?

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

Posted
Posted

Given your other threads about her, I think you should prepare for this to come to an end. Unforutnatley, it sounds like she's been losing interest for a little while now and this latest argument is the final straw.

 

Just my two cents.

 

You can't get her to work on it if she doesn't want to. And I'm afraid that her actions are showing she doesn't.

Whodatdog Established Member

Whodatdog

Posted
Posted

You are trying way too hard. Stop contacting her. Give her the space she is asking for. When she tells you something, believe her. Let her make the next move.

 

Stop contacting her. Now.

  • Like 1
fromheart Established Member

fromheart

Posted
Posted

She lacks the communication skills necessary for an intimate relationship. Tolerate this and you'll get more of it. You have a window of golden opportunity to move on, I'd take it.

breadbin Established Member

breadbin

Posted
Posted

seems like pretty unanimous replies carolina, i'd take their advice even though I probably wouldn't because I know how hard that is. I think you need to be a confident and strong person to walk away like that. I thought I was but my breakup turned me on my head.

 

It seems like she wants out of the relationship and doesn't know how to just end it. Maybe she doesn't want to hurt you or like someone else said she doesn't have the skills. This is probably hard to hear but the best thing for you, her and the relationship is space.

  • Like 1
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Carolina9192 Member

Carolina9192

Posted
  • Author
Posted

thank you all for the advice to just give her space and gift it time. I did. It's not like me as I'm impatient and i feel that if we are not talking then they are not making progress. But it was a turning point to just stop with the texting and such. Nothing was helping at all. Not even flowers sent to her. ugh. yes I do feel like she has resent me for the other issues we have had and how hurtful words do come out. I think I'm the weaker one with self confidence issues and being a softy, but maybe I'm stronger in a way because I may have so many reasons to walk but I cannot. Of course it seems like I pick at this relationship until it falls apart and maybe I have picked way too much.

 

As some of you had indicated, she may not have the communication skills to work at it. I do'nt either. But man o man is she a different girl and i can't get a handle on it. everything comes out of her mouth 180 degrees from what I would expect when we are arguing. We need couples counseling or someone to moderate the talks or something. but she gets way unreasonable. like a child. Oh i have my issues and childish things too. but what she does gets redicoulous.

 

I have talked to her about how i feel like she is pushing me away and she is not being strong enough to break it off with me. It has to stop.

 

One thing she does not do is talk about the difficulties and set boundaries and try to work it out. it's a blow up then the next day we try to talk like nothing happened. we have to talk or nothing will get better. that's where I come in. Ha. I try to analyze her, me and the core problem and talk and talk and make it worse as she throws it in my face that I know everything and I'm always right. No i never claimed to be right. I throw out suggestions, maybe reasons why i do what i do and reasons why she does what she does but it's a one side conversation to resolve our issues. I have suggested a counselor and she doesn't respond to that. i ask her again and she said she hasn't put any thought into it.

Hmmm. Maybe i just answered my own question. she's not willing to make this work out.

  • Like 1
Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

Posted
Posted
thank you all for the advice to just give her space and gift it time. I did. It's not like me as I'm impatient and i feel that if we are not talking then they are not making progress. But it was a turning point to just stop with the texting and such. Nothing was helping at all. Not even flowers sent to her. ugh. yes I do feel like she has resent me for the other issues we have had and how hurtful words do come out. I think I'm the weaker one with self confidence issues and being a softy, but maybe I'm stronger in a way because I may have so many reasons to walk but I cannot. Of course it seems like I pick at this relationship until it falls apart and maybe I have picked way too much.

 

As some of you had indicated, she may not have the communication skills to work at it. I do'nt either. But man o man is she a different girl and i can't get a handle on it. everything comes out of her mouth 180 degrees from what I would expect when we are arguing. We need couples counseling or someone to moderate the talks or something. but she gets way unreasonable. like a child. Oh i have my issues and childish things too. but what she does gets redicoulous.

 

I have talked to her about how i feel like she is pushing me away and she is not being strong enough to break it off with me. It has to stop.

 

One thing she does not do is talk about the difficulties and set boundaries and try to work it out. it's a blow up then the next day we try to talk like nothing happened. we have to talk or nothing will get better. that's where I come in. Ha. I try to analyze her, me and the core problem and talk and talk and make it worse as she throws it in my face that I know everything and I'm always right. No i never claimed to be right. I throw out suggestions, maybe reasons why i do what i do and reasons why she does what she does but it's a one side conversation to resolve our issues. I have suggested a counselor and she doesn't respond to that. i ask her again and she said she hasn't put any thought into it.

Hmmm. Maybe i just answered my own question. she's not willing to make this work out.

 

Maybe i just answered my own question. she's not willing to make this work out -- BINGO! Keep moving.

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

Posted
Posted

OP, I think you are right: she doesn't sound very interested in working this out.

 

I'm sorry. I have a strong feeling you two are looking at the end of the relationship. It doesn't sound like a very healthy situation for either of you anymore.

basil67 Established Member

basil67

Posted
Posted (edited)

If the issue is minor and stupid, there is no reason to argue over it. Yet you say that the two of you have a history of arguing over minor stuff. And not only arguing, but hurting each other.

 

It sounds to me like neither of you have the maturity to recognise that minor issues are the exact ones which are not worth holding your ground over.

 

Also, an apology does not magically fix the hurt we caused another person. If you insulted her, it's perfectly normal for her to take a while to get over your words. The apology is only the beginning of the healing process.

Edited by basil67
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