klandes Posted July 26, 2005 Posted July 26, 2005 A summary of what has occured the last couple of weeks - my ex (of 2 yrs) decided to ignore me for a month (june) to take some "time off" and forgot to tell me about it, he just dissapeared. I went through hell during those weeks until i decided it was enough and that's when i met this distant friend and we ended up hooking up. Right now i'm really into this new guy and once my EX saw us together, he went crazy. He began calling me again non-stop and reafirming his love and devotion... asking for forgiveness, and all that stuff that people tend to say when their conscience is killing them. However, yesterday i decided i just had to make a decision between the two... i told my ex that at the moment it wasn't gonna work out, and that i needed my "own time" to cool off. And he knows that means spending time with this other guy. And that's what's killing him. They are both aware of what's going on, they saw each other, it's pretty clear. This is the hardest part - yesterday we were in the car and he was pouring himself out and it just got really emotional. when he saw that i wasn't gonna change my mind... he just broke down in tears. I've never seen him like this, i love my ex but i'm not sure that i'm still "in love", there's too much pain and resentment right now that it confuses the hell out of me. When he broke down, i felt bad but then again, i remembered myself not sleeping nor eating and being as low as he is right now only a couple of weeks ago. He just kept going on about how he'll be so lost without me, he's gonna drop out of school, he started making calls in front of me to his friends about getting drunk and buying drugs... oh my god, he's 23 acting 16. i didn't know if i should slap him or hug him. i mean he obviously wants me to feel bad for him and take him instead out of pity. I am truly worried though because i feel this will eventually happen if i leave, he did go back to school because i pushed him into it. And i tried to help him with this drug addiction and the white lady is definitely more powerful than me and i can't fix him anymore...and i told him so. I can't go back with him, i made up my mind but i can't leave him like this either. I care about him and I can just see him spending all his money on drugs and booze and just losing it to get over me and i'll be the responsible one for all his actions. And to top it all off, he left saying that if he sees this guy, he will not be able to control himself, this guy has done nothing but out of pure rage and jealousy he'll be onto him, and for him to keep his distance. It is a small town, and they both tend to go to the same places. I'm worried someone's gonna get hurt, i feel it's gotten out of control and he's being irrational. Is this all an act he's putting on with the crying and begging, should i just cut all communication and let him be... i really don't know what to do or say anymore.
d'Arthez Posted July 26, 2005 Posted July 26, 2005 You don't have the divine mission to save your ex's soul. If he is wishing to ruin his life, it is because he wishes to do so. There no law in the universe that compels him to do that. And be honest! His behavior when you were in a relationship with him, was far from spotless. He had signed up on a casual encounters list, if I am not mistaken? You are not his personal assistant who must save him. He must save himself, and if he is unwilling to take a single step to that end, it is not your fault. Clinging to you won't cut it. You can't live your life with a piece of lead constantly hanging on your legs, thus limiting your ability to move around immensely. Ultimately he is responsible for his life. No one else is. Warn the other guy of your ex, and find out what the legal options are. People can lose their mind completely, and you don't want to lose out on the new guy, because your ex is harassing him. Or worse, go back to their ex, because you perceive their idiotic behavior to be "love." It is not. It is obsession.
LucreziaBorgia Posted July 26, 2005 Posted July 26, 2005 He just kept going on about how he'll be so lost without me, he's gonna drop out of school, he started making calls in front of me to his friends about getting drunk and buying drugs... He is trying to hold you responsible for the happiness and stability he should be finding in himself. It is not your obligation to provide him with something he needs to learn to find on his own. At best, you will just be enabling his avoidance of learning to stand on his own. Tell him that you are sorry to hear that he is going to make those choices with his life, and then cut off contact with him. Do not let him use passive aggressive threats and emotional blackmail to get what he wants from you. i'll be the responsible one for all his actions. No, you won't. He is making a conscious choice to buy and use the drugs. HIS choice. He also has a choice to pick up the phone and get himself into rehab, too. You aren't responsible if he makes the wrong choice for himself.
upsetnhurt Posted July 26, 2005 Posted July 26, 2005 Klandes, Lets say he does commit some violence against this other fellow. Are you going to excuse him for it as you think he is just going through a tough time or even better take responsibility for his actions. See my earlier threads as my ex gf was in the same situation and ultimately took responsibility for her ex's actions and even better went back to him after he hurt me. The fact he's talking this way shows his immaturity and characteristics that eventually will come out on you. You technicallys are his target here knowing his actions will keep you in the mix with him. If you condone it by increasing the attention you give him, he will never stop these thoughts.
Recommended Posts