Dating with Aspergers

[JacksonWest]

So, this is the short version….

 

I start hanging out with this female (that works on another part of campus) that seems to be giving me signs. A group of us go out to dinner, she stays behind to ask me for a ride and is extremely nervous and blushing. Her friends start approaching me a lot more and ask about me. One friend even gives me a heads up that this female takes a long time to get comfortable around people. She finds out I go to trivia nights, she starts going. I have a party, she is the last to leave (and is cuddled in my blanket) about a foot away from me on my couch. She asks my coworker about my dating life.

So, I ask her out and she gives me a weird no response that she is in the middle of getting back together with an ex. Naturally, I am a little confused, but whatever. I am mature. I can be friends. I told her no problem and I still enjoy the group activities we have been doing.

 

The stuff that happens after makes no sense. Three days later, I see her at trivia. She is all in my personal space…all in my personal space. Seems to want my attention and ignores her friend that is there. Her friend actually even seems to pull away to give us time to talk. A week after I asked her out, she texts my friend that she asked about my dating life and wants to know about watching the game. She knows I hang out with him a lot and if he was in town, I would have been with him. She is not friends with this person and barely knows him.

 

A couple of weeks later, it came up that I was having dinner with my coworkers to celebrate my birthday. So, she invites herself to this, even though she doesn’t really even know these coworkers. My coworkers were naturally uncomfortable and wondering why she is there.

 

We start watching games in groups (that I started). I invite her to come and bring others…Each time. She never does bring anybody though and it is becoming apparently that it did not work with the ex or it was a lie. We start hanging out quite a bit…. And she starts acting strange. She starts mimicking me. I say I like something, she all of a sudden does too. I have an opinion, she does too. I start talking about looking for a job and she wants input into my decision. One time I had even posted something about planning a trip to Iceland. The next time I see her, she has travel directions to get there, but does so in a very very creepy way. I asked her how she knew so much about travel information, she stumbled and said she was thinking about a trip there…Yeah, right… So, I have picked up that she watches what I put on there and keeps tabs on me. She is very preoccupied with what my opinions are on things and needs to know this information and suddenly her opinions change to mine.

 

Over the course of this time, I see this girl get really comfortable and start eating my food off of my plate (without me offering), grabbing gum out of my hand. She bumps into my coworkers and wants to have a girls day with them, which makes them uncomfortable and they decline.

 

Yet, I see her in public and she avoids me. She wants to keep me away from her coworkers. She never invites them to these things and never brings any of her friends. So, it keeps setting up this situation where she is alone with me. It basically feels like she wants access to my friends, but wants to hide her friends.

 

As I said, I am fine being friends, but she is treating me oddly. She does things that make it seem like she is being possessive to me, which is enough for my coworkers to think we are dating. I mean, the one time I was with a coworker and she came in about 20 minutes after we had gotten there. She stopped by for a little bit, started eating my basket of fries, then left. I'm not talking one or two, or even a few fries. I mean that we basically just split an order. Usually, when that happens it is because those people are either dating or really good friends. I have to create the group events. She never does, but also never brings her friends.

 

I am getting uncomfortable now, because here is this girl that I asked out and said no that is no eating my food, mimicking, paying extra attention to what I am doing, trying to hang out with my friends and keeping me away from her friends.

 

The last time I hang out with her, we are alone again. She gets EXTREMELY nervous when one of her coworkers happens to be at the same restaurant. So much that she forgets her coworker’s fiance’s name.

 

I try to talk to her about this and her behavior, but she shuts me down and makes it seem like I am crazy. But, no friend has ever treated me like this. Any female friend I have had tends to want to play match maker or tease me about a female, not act possessive. I tell her it feels like a one sided friendship. She wants access to everything of mine, but not the other way around. When she is around my coworker, my name comes up. One time I had to go to the parking lot a few blocks away. She freaked out when it was taking longer than she expected. My coworker said she was over the top nervous about me. I live in a very safe area, so there is no need for concern.

 

So, we stop talking and I stop inviting her to things for a few weeks. Out of nowhere, I get a “work” email from her. This is odd because she never emails me about work and because she is the liaison for a different part of campus and should not be reaching out to me. So, it feels like an excuse. Then, she text me about my trip that I am taking to NYC. Two days later, she restricts me on facebook so I can’t see her stuff, but she can see mine. I am naturally confused, because she is the one that reached out to me and I literally said nothing that could be taken offensive in response to those messages.

 

Did I have the right to call her out? At this point, she is making me uncomfortable, because she said no to dating, but she is not acting like a friend. All of her strange stuff has been directed toward me.

Edited March 15, 2017 by JacksonWest

[somanymistakes]

What do you mean by "call her out"? If you want to yell at her or accuse her of being underhanded, don't, it will just make you sound creepy.

 

This girl's behavior is weird, but there are many possible reasons why she could be being weird. Your attempts to assume why she acts like she does haven't worked so far. So don't play the signs and signals game with her - be very straightforward about what YOU want and what YOUR boundaries are.

 

I-statements, maybe?

 

"It bothers me when you eat off my plate. I don't think that's appropriate for someone I'm not dating."

[JacksonWest]

What do you mean by "call her out"? If you want to yell at her or accuse her of being underhanded, don't, it will just make you sound creepy.

"

 

Call her out is probably a bad phrase... Question her is a better phrase. I asked her to talk. She got defensive. I tried using I statements, she didn't respond well to that either. It got to the point that I said I felt like the friendship was not being reciprocated equally and that it felt like she wanted to have access to my friends, but I did not feel like I was welcome around her friends.

[preraph]

She's a backdoor woman. She's trying to insinuate herself into your life so there's no escape for you by befriending your friends and workmates and making herself look like she's with you.

 

Honestly, I don't see this often in women but see it a lot in socially awkward men. I would stop letting her know what you're up to and block her before she messes up a gf relationship of yours sometime. She's trying to move into the house before she buys it. That's very pushy and sneaky, NOT a good combination. She might be very hard to disentangle from, so I'd start now.

[JacksonWest]

She's a backdoor woman. She's trying to insinuate herself into your life so there's no escape for you by befriending your friends and workmates and making herself look like she's with you.

 

Honestly, I don't see this often in women but see it a lot in socially awkward men. I would stop letting her know what you're up to and block her before she messes up a gf relationship of yours sometime. She's trying to move into the house before she buys it. That's very pushy and sneaky, NOT a good combination. She might be very hard to disentangle from, so I'd start now.

 

This one is definitely socially awkward. If this is the case though, why try to go through the backdoor when I asked her out? She could have said yes, but she rejected me. Then, when I tried to talk to her to see why she is acting like this, she said we are colleagues.

 

When she was acting like I was crazy for thinking anything she did was wrong or inappropriate, I just flat out asked why she as texting my friend a week after I asked her out. She said she did not remember that. How?

Edited March 15, 2017 by JacksonWest

[preraph]

This one is definitely socially awkward. If this is the case though, why try to go through the backdoor when I asked her out? She could have said yes, but she rejected me. Then, when I tried to talk to her to see why she is acting like this, she said we are colleagues.

 

When she was acting like I was crazy for thinking anything she did was wrong or inappropriate, I just flat out asked why she as texting my friend a week after I asked her out. She said she did not remember that. How?

 

Look, stuff she does doesn't make sense because she isn't mentally all there. Another reason to lose her. There's likely more than just social anxiety at work here, some real mental illness, perhaps. But with socially awkward people, they will often have one doable scenario in their head under which they fantasize that they could function in a romantic scenario. I believe she is trying to create that by worming her way in indirectly, but don't ask me what it is in the end. I'm not nuts enough to guess that one!

 

You see over and over just on here socially anxious guys who prefer to watch and surveil and put themselves near someone but are paralyzed to say or do anything definitive.

[JacksonWest]

Look, stuff she does doesn't make sense because she isn't mentally all there. Another reason to lose her. There's likely more than just social anxiety at work here, some real mental illness, perhaps. But with socially awkward people, they will often have one doable scenario in their head under which they fantasize that they could function in a romantic scenario. I believe she is trying to create that by worming her way in indirectly, but don't ask me what it is in the end. I'm not nuts enough to guess that one!

 

You see over and over just on here socially anxious guys who prefer to watch and surveil and put themselves near someone but are paralyzed to say or do anything definitive.

 

True..very true. There are signs that make me wonder if she has borderline (quiet borderline). She flat out said she thinks her coworker has that, so maybe it is projection.

 

I am a shy male. It takes me longer than the average guy to make a move. But, I made a move and stayed away from getting her friends involved. All of her actions make no sense, because she kept reaching out to my friends. I could have contacted her coworkers, but I didn't, because that would be weird. I questioned why she was texting my coworker and wanting to hang out with my friends and she said that she was just being nice and didn't think it was weird. My coworkers sure thought it was weird.

 

Luckily, my friends and coworkers all think she is weird, except for one. I am worried about that coworker. She is immature and likes to keep things going. This female hates this coworker though, so she should be staying away...I hope. But, I would not be surprised if she makes a point to hang out with her. She did see another one of my coworkers at a meeting last week and she made a point to talk to this coworker that she has never talked to before.

[spiderowl]

She definitely sounds odd. I think she probably refused your offer because she was taken by surprise. Maybe she's never dated anyone before and does not know what to do - I mean literally. She sounds unusual enough to be completely in the dark about dating.

 

It sounds like she is encroaching on your personal space and you are letting her. You could draw a line, in a joking way if you prefer. She is kind of taking possession of you. You feel she is not including you in her life - she may be socially awkward and feel even more awkward if her colleagues realise she is attracted to you. Her reasons for keeping her life secret may be nothing more sinister than that.

 

I think it is fair enough for you to question her if you like her. If you don't want to date her or have her around, then gently discourage her. If you want to find out more, then ask her direct questions. She may be mildly autistic therefore direct questions might be easier for her to cope with. My daughter has Asperger's and tends to be evasive but curious so I can see how such a perception as yours can come about. Do not let this girl do anything you are not happy with though.

[JacksonWest]

She definitely sounds odd. I think she probably refused your offer because she was taken by surprise. Maybe she's never dated anyone before and does not know what to do - I mean literally. She sounds unusual enough to be completely in the dark about dating.

 

It sounds like she is encroaching on your personal space and you are letting her. You could draw a line, in a joking way if you prefer. She is kind of taking possession of you. You feel she is not including you in her life - she may be socially awkward and feel even more awkward if her colleagues realise she is attracted to you. Her reasons for keeping her life secret may be nothing more sinister than that.

 

I think it is fair enough for you to question her if you like her. If you don't want to date her or have her around, then gently discourage her. If you want to find out more, then ask her direct questions. She may be mildly autistic therefore direct questions might be easier for her to cope with. My daughter has Asperger's and tends to be evasive but curious so I can see how such a perception as yours can come about. Do not let this girl do anything you are not happy with though.

 

Very interesting insight. Asperger's has been suggested by a couple of my coworkers. It makes sense to a degree. I just feel like I have never been let into her life. I have let her into my life. I tried to be passive toward her. I was interested, confused beyond belief, but interested. If she had Asperger's, I would have been fine with that. At this point though, I am not interested anymore. It just feels like she gives me a sign, I react to the sign and get turned away....But then she gives me a sign again and surrounds herself with her friends and things in my life. Like I was constantly at arms length.

 

The way she shut me down and kept saying I misread things and then blocking me. I just have no idea how to deal with that. She reached out to me, then blocked me. She does not like confrontation, so I do not know if she saw my attempt to talk to her as confrontation, so she backed away or what. Does that make sense? I was hoping somebody who had experience with Asperger's or a family member of somebody with Asperger's would mention this.

 

The only thing I know about her dating life is because one of my coworker's had a discussion with her, before I even knew her. Apparently, she goes back and forth with an ex that is supposedly bad for her and mistreats her. She has for about 10 years now. I do wonder if her coworkers approaching me freaked her out some too. It was the day after I hung out with her the first time and I got approached by a couple of her coworkers that had not talked to me before. The one bumped into my coworker at one of the town concerts and wanted to know if I was at the concert. A) I had never gone to those until that one and B) I had never talked to this coworker. It ended up, my coworker later saw her coworker with her at the concert. So, based on the reactions of the coworkers as well, I feel there was interest or she did something to give them the impression she was interested as well.

Edited March 16, 2017 by JacksonWest

[JacksonWest]

Perhaps the weirdest was just that she had to keep tabs on me. Like, she was borderline stalking my social media stuff. The Iceland trip is just so specific and one heck of a major coincidence if she really was looking up travel information there. It seemed like she was looking at big picture things with me, but rejected the date.

 

She gave the appearance she was busy a lot on the weekends, but she made excuses to be around me at other things and had texted my coworker twice. And, her focus was about talking about me.

Edited March 16, 2017 by JacksonWest

[darkmoon]

is she after your work skills, wants to pick everybody's brains? slowly but surely, perhaps her family (more experienced than her) are coaching her in the art of the long game

[JacksonWest]

All of her strange stuff has been directed toward me. She doesn't mimic anybody else, eat anybody else's food, get that nervous around anybody else or give strange answers to anybody else. She blushes around me, acts extremely awkward around me.

Edited March 16, 2017 by JacksonWest

[Whoknew30]

Does she have aspergers? I'm confused by the title of the thread.

[JacksonWest]

Does she have aspergers? I'm confused by the title of the thread.

 

Not sure... It has been suggested that maybe she does. I am just lost beyond belief, so trying to get some feedback. Ah...just realized I edited a post that had asked that as well. My posts got merged together. I am trying to understand this one and if she possibly does have Asperger's as people have suggested. Anybody have experience dating somebody with Asperger's?

Edited March 16, 2017 by JacksonWest

[JacksonWest]

is she after your work skills, wants to pick everybody's brains? slowly but surely, perhaps her family (more experienced than her) are coaching her in the art of the long game

 

Not 100% sure. For some reason, she is locked onto me. She tells her friends quite a bit that I am great at my job.... But, the stuff she is doing is odd and a very creepy to be honest. I don't think it is work related at all to be honest.

[Whoknew30]

Not sure... It has been suggested that maybe she does. I am just lost beyond belief, so trying to get some feedback. Ah...just realized I edited a post that had asked that as well. My posts got merged together. I am trying to understand this one and if she possibly does have Asperger's as people have suggested. Anybody have experience dating somebody with Asperger's?

 

I have experience with Aspergers...& from what you explain, it's an extreme possibility. Everyone on the spectrum is very different but most share extremely awkward social interactions situations & lack of personal boundaries. It's also common for someone with Aspergers to get there social information from an untypical source as in...movies, tv shows, articles & ext... Many times they'll take information & or advice literally & it can be difficult for a typical person with no experience with someone on the spectrum to understand where they're coming from.

 

Maybe instead of confronting her, ask around first to see if she has it bc if she doesn't & or hasn't been diagnosed, she may take serious offense. If she does have it & you like her, you'll have to be patient & follow her lead with things. Good luck!

[JacksonWest]

I have experience with Aspergers...& from what you explain, it's an extreme possibility. Everyone on the spectrum is very different but most share extremely awkward social interactions situations & lack of personal boundaries. It's also common for someone with Aspergers to get there social information from an untypical source as in...movies, tv shows, articles & ext... Many times they'll take information & or advice literally & it can be difficult for a typical person with no experience with someone on the spectrum to understand where they're coming from.

 

Maybe instead of confronting her, ask around first to see if she has it bc if she doesn't & or hasn't been diagnosed, she may take serious offense. If she does have it & you like her, you'll have to be patient & follow her lead with things. Good luck!

 

For some reason, she is locked into my opinions and thoughts.....in an unhealthy way. She only mimics me. She only eats my food or gets in my space. She wants to text my friends and be around them, to ask about me.

 

She does have a blank stare from time to time....like she is just there and nothing is going on. There are just things that she knows or wants to know about me that make no sense. Unless that is one heck of a coincidence, she looked up my travel information to Iceland.