ktragers Posted March 16, 2017 Posted March 16, 2017 Curious to see if anyone has experienced similar situations. I'm not a clean freak but I do like to have everything organized, tidy, and neat at home, which can sometimes creates tension between me and my boyfriend who's the exact opposite. We don't live together and when we see each other I mostly go to his place since he lives in a more urban and happening area. I've noticed from day one that his place is usually a mess -- he throws his clothes everywhere at the end of day when he gets home and it just piles on after a few days. He rarely cleans up immediately after he eats so dirty plates, silverware, paper towels, and napkins can be all over the table and floor. He also usually only does dishes when the kitchen sink is filled with dirty dishes that he is running out of clean ones. The good thing is he does his laundry fairly frequently, although he doesn't like putting clean clothes away so things can stay in the basket for a long time where he just fishes clean things out to wear directly from there. Now, I don't mean to nitpick and say you need to have your bed made in military style and everything has to be in place at all times; I understand sometimes you're just tired at the end of the day and you'd much rather deal with something later. But I find it inexcusable when a grown adult's place is a big mess 80 percent of the time. Sometimes I can barely tolerate it and I would ask nicely if he can pick up things a bit more, and he'd listen and do it. It's also good that he can tidy things up very nicely (putting everything away, scrubbing the sink and bathroom floor, wiping down all furniture surface, etc.) if someone were to come over or maybe he can't even deal with the mess himself anymore. But he can only do it when he's "forced" to but can't keep up with the habit. I don't know if I'm being too difficult here but whenever he comes over to my place it just adds to my stress level tremendously. He's mostly very respectful and tries not to make a mess there but he'd still throw used napkins all over the floor out of habit, etc. and I'm just stressed out to see the "system" I'm comfortable in being "disturbed." I'm not sure if we can ever live together and I don't know if I just need to chill more and meet him halfway about this.
BikerAccnt Posted March 16, 2017 Posted March 16, 2017 No, I don't think you are. Esepcially if you are considering things long term with him. I'm like you, I like things orderly. They don't have to be pristine, and I can handle dust, it's clutter that drives me nuts. Things just tossed and strewn everywhere and left that way. I have a number of friends that live like this. They have to get old dirty clothes and crap off the couch to make room for you to sit. Blech. It stresses me out to be at their places long and they are just friends. I don't see how anyone can relax with a cluttered mess all around them. Hell, I can't even walk out of the house unless I make my bed. Doesn't matter how uncluttered the rest of the bedroom is, that unmade bed is just... 1
preraph Posted March 16, 2017 Posted March 16, 2017 I think it's more he's a slob than you are OCD. I mean, throwing stuff on the floor and not picking up after yourself is just childish habits that we all need to grow out of. But if you have to keep nagging him, you will end up his mother, and that will kill your sex life. I would simply get a different boyfriend rather than follow the inevitable path here. I used to be a slob when I was young. A lot of young people are. I eventually got tired of having to clean the whole apartment because someone I liked was coming over and learned not to mess it up to begin with and pick up my own stuff after using it and put it back in its place. 3
curiouslysearching Posted March 16, 2017 Posted March 16, 2017 it is often difficult to turn a person from being a "slob" into some who is neat.....I am very neat and like to keep things around me in order living wise and my appearance...maybe, you can find a happy medium between being a slob and being neat
smackie9 Posted March 16, 2017 Posted March 16, 2017 Sounds like my husband......just tell him to clean it up, and when he does you give him praise and a little reward. Sounds like a dog? it works on men too. 3
clia Posted March 16, 2017 Posted March 16, 2017 (edited) He throws used napkins on the floor at your house? WTF? Who does that? It's not OCD to expect an adult to act like an adult and not be a total slob. You are seeing how he is. He's a slob. If you ever live with him or marry him, you can expect to be cleaning up after his mess for the rest of your life. Is that what you want? This kind of disparity in cleanliness is no small matter. It's a huge compatibility issue. You should think long and hard about whether this is what you want for your life, because it won't get better. It's who he is. Edited March 16, 2017 by clia 2
kendahke Posted March 16, 2017 Posted March 16, 2017 Now, I don't mean to nitpick and say you need to have your bed made in military style and everything has to be in place at all times; I understand sometimes you're just tired at the end of the day and you'd much rather deal with something later. But I find it inexcusable when a grown adult's place is a big mess 80 percent of the time. And this is why you and he are incompatible and you should stop investing yourself in this. This is a fundamental thing about who he is as a person and he's a triflin' slob. He lives like a slob. If you are going to be in his space, you're going to have to tolerate being in a slob's space. He doesn't have to clean up his place to your satisfaction: you have your own home and don't need to be over there. Two solitions: spend less time in his dwelling and more time in yours and have him over... Or you can pay for maid service for him if you want to be at his place all the time. 2
Author ktragers Posted March 16, 2017 Author Posted March 16, 2017 Yes this is what I'm afraid of. I have a good friend who's similarly organized and she just divorced a slob three years ago. I don't want to repeat her route of course but I doubt she'd even had any communication about this with her ex-husband back when she was still married. She basically just put up with it until she couldn't anymore. My boyfriend is overall a great guy but definitely has some maturing to do and he's a mama's boy. It seems like all his life skills are taught by his mom and they're very close. His mom still buys him underwear, toothpastes, cookware and stuff whenever she comes to visit. His parents had him when they were about 40 or 50 years old so they basically smothered him with too much love (according to him) ... not to the point where he's a spoiled brat now but he never learned to pick up after himself. His mom probably picked up after him his entire life so his slob behaviors had basically been tolerated. In some ways we complement each other: He was given a lot of love and pampering growing up, so he's very affectionate and sympathetic now as a person, whereas I was raised in a relatively "harsh" and strict environment and I turned out to be very independent and serious. So we balance each other out most of the time, except when it comes to our key differences where they can cause tension. And this is why you and he are incompatible and you should stop investing yourself in this. This is a fundamental thing about who he is as a person and he's a triflin' slob. He lives like a slob. If you are going to be in his space, you're going to have to tolerate being in a slob's space. He doesn't have to clean up his place to your satisfaction: you have your own home and don't need to be over there. Two solitions: spend less time in his dwelling and more time in yours and have him over... Or you can pay for maid service for him if you want to be at his place all the time.
preraph Posted March 16, 2017 Posted March 16, 2017 There are lots of "great guys" you can love but not live with. Just imagine him when you have two children and he's no help there at all and you're already busting your butt trying to clean up after the kids and work and get food on the table and then you turn around and he's throwing his clothes around and leaving plates of scraps laying around and is worse than the kids. This isn't someone you want to have kids with because he still is a kid because his mother didn't teach him to be an adult. Only living on his own is going to do that, and that doesn't always work either. 1
grays Posted March 16, 2017 Posted March 16, 2017 I think you are each pretty far out on the continuum and probably could each benefit from moving a little toward center. I think your attitude is a little severe. I get how you feel being in a cluttered space, especially w garbage and dirty dishes in the mix. I have two kids and they make me feel that way sometimes. But its really not "inexcusable" or "intolerable." You should work on being able to excuse and tolerate to some degree. Meanness, violence, serious manipulativeness -- those are inexcusable and intolerable. Clothes on the floor is just an annoyance. And for him, maybe you can set some easy goal for him. I wonder if you could ask him to please spend ten minutes cleaning up before youre coming over. If he got into the habit he might realize that ten minutes makes his whole day feel a little better. I cant imagine ditching a realationship that is otherwise good over this without at least working on it a little. If it feels insurmountable then maybe thats bc the relationship isnt what youre really wanting, because crazy head over heels in love doesnt get shut down by dirty dishes. 3
SwordofFlame Posted March 16, 2017 Posted March 16, 2017 I don't believe this is a component of someone's personality that can't be changed unless he's lazy in a lot of other ways.
TheTraveler Posted March 16, 2017 Posted March 16, 2017 he'd still throw used napkins all over the floor out of habit, etc. and I'm just stressed out to see the "system" I'm comfortable in being "disturbed." What is this nonsense? Since you use etc he’s obviously acting more like a slob than just throwing napkins on the floor when he visits your place. I would be like, wtf are you doing? Throw your **** away! His mom still buys him underwear Why? I mean…why is this happening? Just think next time you make love and you pull his pants down, think to yourself his mommy bought those underwear just for you... 2
kendahke Posted March 16, 2017 Posted March 16, 2017 Yes this is what I'm afraid of. I have a good friend who's similarly organized and she just divorced a slob three years ago. I don't want to repeat her route of course but I doubt she'd even had any communication about this with her ex-husband back when she was still married. She basically just put up with it until she couldn't anymore. My boyfriend is overall a great guy but definitely has some maturing to do and he's a mama's boy. It seems like all his life skills are taught by his mom and they're very close. His mom still buys him underwear, toothpastes, cookware and stuff whenever she comes to visit. His parents had him when they were about 40 or 50 years old so they basically smothered him with too much love (according to him) ... not to the point where he's a spoiled brat now but he never learned to pick up after himself. His mom probably picked up after him his entire life so his slob behaviors had basically been tolerated. In some ways we complement each other: He was given a lot of love and pampering growing up, so he's very affectionate and sympathetic now as a person, whereas I was raised in a relatively "harsh" and strict environment and I turned out to be very independent and serious. So we balance each other out most of the time, except when it comes to our key differences where they can cause tension. If he's such a great person and you compliment each other, then pay for a maid to come in once or twice a month to clean up his place to your satisfaction. Problem solved. He's not going to do it of his own accord and all the complaining in the world isn't going to flip him into being a tidy person. 1
todreaminblue Posted March 16, 2017 Posted March 16, 2017 i am a messy person.i am a writer so my place is a mess.......i put things in weird places like phones in fridges gravy powder on my bedside table....at one time i must have had the gravy powder in one hand and phone in the other and gone to fridge for something....im also a hoarder.....my ex a minimalist.....everything has order almost military precision......when he used to come home from working away i would have major anxiety.... .i would make the place spotless for him.....polishing even dusting everything i did it..i would cook his favourtie food....and i woudl even pick flowers......i would arrange all my books had my cds and dvds in alphabetical order.....and i would sit on the couch look around and feel like an alien......but i was a happy alien when i saw his face and he would say the place looks beautiful debs..........i believe if you really love someone...no matter how you are you want to make the environment beautiful for the one you love.....even if it feels...alien.....its better to be alien and with the one you love...than at home in the place without...i would always ...choose to be alien with anyone i was with..,....deb
curiouslysearching Posted March 18, 2017 Posted March 18, 2017 it would bug me for sure....I am neat, clean and not a fan of DIRTY environments or people..... 1
Els Posted March 19, 2017 Posted March 19, 2017 If it truly bothers you tremendously, it is possible that you might not be a good fit. Discrepancy in cleanliness preferences and a teething period of adjustment is normal when a couple moves in together, but if you're starting off polar opposites then you're going to be at a huge disadvantage. Especially when he can't even compromise for short periods of time (e.g. while at your house).
OatsAndHall Posted March 19, 2017 Posted March 19, 2017 Sounds like my husband......just tell him to clean it up, and when he does you give him praise and a little reward. Sounds like a dog? it works on men too. I agree with this. Have a discussion with him about the situation. I'm a total slob but I don't have an issue cleaning up when I have company coming over.
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