grays Posted March 16, 2017 Posted March 16, 2017 How was the sex? Did he have any performance issues? Anything he might feel embarrassed about? I was with a guy once who Im pretty sure just couldnt face me after bad sex. One thing to keep in mind is it may not be about you at all. He may have enjoyed all the stuff you did together, the great conversation and connection, but there might be something about him or something going on in his life that you dont know about that is keeping him from pursuing you. I had a thing w this guy once where it felt like we were ramping up for like three months, getting closer, spending more time together, more intimate conversation and it felt like any minute we were gonna cross the line into a real relationship. And he disappeared. I was devastated, thought i had made the whole thing up and he was probably never really interested. And then about a year later he showed up out of the blue and told me he was just completely freaked out about it because he'd only been with one woman ever (met his ex wife when they were teenagers and was married to her for 20 years and broke up just a couple months before we met) and was just scared. I never would have guessed. The only scenarios I could really think of to explain his apparent disinterest all involved something being wrong with me. But really, its not always about you.
RecentChange Posted March 16, 2017 Posted March 16, 2017 As a general rule, don't have sex on a first date, or before getting to know someone UNLESS you will be fine with them ghosting / riding off into the sunset the next day. I like casual sex, I think it can be a lot of fun. But I also majorly compartmentalize. Sometimes it's an asset, sometimes it's a hindrance, but this sort of "game" isn't for those who sex isn't just sex. Letting your emotions get involved, and mixing sex this early on is often a recipe for disaster. Either learn how to stay incredibly rational about the situation, compartmentalize and enjoy some sex. Or vet your partners a bit more, take your time, and protect your heart. 3
smackie9 Posted March 16, 2017 Posted March 16, 2017 Tip: you can't sex your way into a relationship. 7
Zahara Posted March 16, 2017 Posted March 16, 2017 but I at least would've liked some validation that he thought I was a decent human being. And by that I mean, texting me that he had a nice time, or responding to my text when I told him I couldn't make it Friday. Why is his non-response a reflection of whether you're a decent human being? Just because he ignored you, it makes you less than? His behavior doesn't define who you are or make you unworthy. He was looking for sex. He got it and he's done. This is no different from your other thread about the other guy. Very clear indications as to what they're looking for but you project and slap expectations. Embrace it for what it is and enjoy the sex or tread carefully and slowly, get to know someone before rushing into sex and protect your heart. 2
curiouslysearching Posted March 16, 2017 Posted March 16, 2017 or just take them to Monterey for dinner or Carmel.....
travelbug1996 Posted March 17, 2017 Posted March 17, 2017 Stop having sex with men who you don't know thinking they'll want friendship afterwards. They won't. Keep your sex to yourself until you learn who, why and when to do it. 2
angel.eyes Posted March 17, 2017 Posted March 17, 2017 or just take them to Monterey for dinner or Carmel..... Wishful thinking! Neither of these guys was making much effort. They both did the bare minimum to get easy sex that was on offer. One was "black out" drunk (her words about the encounter) at a group event, not capable of getting himself home without assistance, and covered in alcoholic throw-up when she offered sex. The second could barely muster up enough interest for a coffee date she organized that included dangling easy sex (inviting herself over to his as part of the deal). Unfortunately, until she raises her standards, the OP is unlikely to find a guy willing to invest the time to go to Carmel or Monterey with her.
Author Didyouknow96 Posted March 17, 2017 Author Posted March 17, 2017 Wishful thinking! Neither of these guys was making much effort. They both did the bare minimum to get easy sex that was on offer. One was "black out" drunk (her words about the encounter) at a group event, not capable of getting himself home without assistance, and covered in alcoholic throw-up when she offered sex. The second could barely muster up enough interest for a coffee date she organized that included dangling easy sex (inviting herself over to his as part of the deal). Unfortunately, until she raises her standards, the OP is unlikely to find a guy willing to invest the time to go to Carmel or Monterey with her. Excuse me? I did not organize the coffee date, I was following up on his offer from a few days back. I figured it would be rude to attend a group event with him without following up on his offer to go on a date. And he deliberately invited me back to his place, I did not invite myself. And also, you don'5 get to invalidate the feelings of affection when I helped out the drunk guy. He and I did not have sex all that often but that night I took care of him and it felt very nice and intimate and he was hugging me and being affectionate, and once he sobered up he changed his clothes, he was not covered in vomit. I slept with him because his behavior made me feel close to him. I wasn't just horny and badly wanted sex. Pass your judgement on someone else please.
Zahara Posted March 17, 2017 Posted March 17, 2017 (edited) Excuse me? I did not organize the coffee date, I was following up on his offer from a few days back. I figured it would be rude to attend a group event with him without following up on his offer to go on a date. And he deliberately invited me back to his place, I did not invite myself. And also, you don'5 get to invalidate the feelings of affection when I helped out the drunk guy. He and I did not have sex all that often but that night I took care of him and it felt very nice and intimate and he was hugging me and being affectionate, and once he sobered up he changed his clothes, he was not covered in vomit. I slept with him because his behavior made me feel close to him. I wasn't just horny and badly wanted sex. Pass your judgement on someone else please. Unfortunately OP, the advice is spot on. Until you create better boundaries and have higher standards, you're going to keep getting involved in these types of situations. If you are looking for substance, keep sex on the backburner. If you start to see red flags and signs of disinterest, eject. Don't stick around hoping sex and playing nurse will get them to see your value. Granted you did not invite yourself, you could have said no. If I recall correctly, you did mention that you went to his place because you didn't want him to think you weren't interested. You say no because you aren't ready. You don't say yes because you're trying to appease a man. Also, when someone is blackout drunk, that's not when you trust that their actions and words are valid. Feel connected when they are lucid and present -- not when they're inebriated. You weren't horny, but he probably was seeing his state. You need to start using your head. Stop using sex as a way to make a guy like you. Edited March 17, 2017 by Zahara 2
Curiousroxy86 Posted March 17, 2017 Posted March 17, 2017 Okay so I'm in college. I met a guy at a party on a Saturday and we fooled around. We had a really good connection though and talked for a long while after about life and poetry and our interests and ended up getting each other's numbers. He asked me to get coffee with him later that week and to come to a literary night he was hosting at his fraternity that Friday. So Thursday he texts me asking if I still want to come to the literary night, and I say yeah for sure and ask if he'd like to get coffee that day. He agrees to get coffee but doesn't seem like super thrilled about it...he takes a while to reply between texts and I'm tempted to just abandon the whole thing but when he finally gives me a time and place I just agree to go. So I meet him at a coffee shop and we have a great time! We talked for over a hour and we were both smiling and had really great chemistry and it was just really nice. He asked me to go back to his place after and I said yes because I genuinely wanted to and didn't want to seem disinterested. So we go back and fool around and yeah end up having sex but then we talk for a while and laugh and watch tv and he asks me to spend the night. Then he works on homework for a while with a couple of friends and after like an hour and a half of him seeming stressed out I decide to just go home and let him get his work done. He says bye but like doesn't walk me out or act like a super gentleman. The next day I text him telling him I can't make the literary night, which was true, and he didn't respond. I never heard from him again. No text the next day, honestly I don't even think he would have responded if I asked him what time the literary night was. I have no idea what went wrong! What did I do! Ugh. sigh... don't lose sleep over it. maybe hes just not that into you. maybe he decided to get back with an ex. maybe he kicked the bucket. if you really knew why would it make you feel any better? doesn't matter. he gone. focus on men who stick and not men who leave
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