greenpen Posted July 26, 2005 Posted July 26, 2005 I was recently with someone for fourth months. This sadly was the longest I have been with anyone in a long time. I have been too busy working on my career and personal aspirations to have a boyfriend. But now, I am settled in my career and I am ready for this kind of commitment. I broke up with my boyfriend on my own accord, but later found out that he is this huge pathological liar and was with at least 5-6 women while we were together. He never told me the truth, which was hard because when there is no cofirmation and only lies to hold on to you start to lose sight of what this person really did to you. Regardless, I have been trying to work through my emotions about the way he betrayed me. I am no longer with him, obviously, and have been trying to date and distract myself by finding new, better men to date. anyways, I have started dating this 24 yr old. I am 29. He actually sort of knws my ex, so it started out as a retaliation, but then I surprisingly had a lot of fun. We've been on like 5-6 dates now, but I have kept things pretty PG. Last night we went out and it was sort of stiff and awkward. I hate that shift that happens with someone, like it is great and then it starts to get 'realish' and it suddenly becomes flat. whatever, he's 24 and we've been on like 5 or 6 "dates" now so I am sure it is starting to freak him out that it is a quasi-relationship. I plan on going out with some other guys to distract away from focusing on one guy too much and it becoming too heavy, but I inevitably start liking someone and then it is this game of feeling distant and wanting to be closer. guys don't struggle with it as much, I guess I am looking for some advice on how to just roll with the punches more and not get attached.
JanieQP Posted July 26, 2005 Posted July 26, 2005 I hear you. I don't know the answer, though. Personally I'm more than a bit of a hunter, enjoy the challenge of getting to 'real' more than I necessarily have space or skills for 'real'. I pursue someone and simultaneously send signals to keep them off-balance. Did this with the guy I posted about in "getting the non-alpha man into bed", and then of course complained that he wasn't taking action. Seeing other people seems like a good idea in your case ... I've been doing that in the year-plus that I've been interested in non-alpha, but like you said, when you really really like someone ... it's hard to "roll with the punches". I try not to presume anything, even that there will be another friendly encounter, never mind a date. Hang in there, keep posting. You ask, though, how to not get attached ... do you want in the long run to not get attached, or just not to get attached too quickly?
Keeva Posted July 26, 2005 Posted July 26, 2005 whoa.....ok you sound so much like me it's not even funny! But the thing is, how can you not get too attached? I used to think the same way, I was always getting hurt so I would just say to myself, "This relationship means nothing and Im only here to have fun." Well i've given up on saying that because it never works. I always get attatched. And what I do now is just say. "I can't have both. I can either risk opening open and getting hurt to feel care, or I can close up and live life by myself and focus on other things." And sadly, there is no middle. Because if you try to live in the middle, you'll feel empty. Im not sure if that is helpful. but I hope it is.
JS17 Posted July 26, 2005 Posted July 26, 2005 so many women face this, i am this way and i hear my friends say it all the time. it's about not getting attached too quickly and it's hard. if it's right for you then keep dating other people. make sure you focus on yourself and your interests as if this guy wasn't in the picture. try also to speak/email less frequently when you're apart. Definitely, keep the physical to a minimum until you're more sure of this guy. let's face it, they're good tips but if you're the kind of person that gets attached easily then you'll probably still get attached. take it for what it's worth and just know that one day you'll find someone worth getting attached to.
Author greenpen Posted July 26, 2005 Author Posted July 26, 2005 thanks for the responses. This site is so helpful, because you realize you are not he only one who feels these things. Well, right now I am in-between. The person I was with really hurt me, so I am in no place to find another relationship. I do want that of course, eventually, but after so many years of burning and being burned my defense mechanisim have become very apt. Being in the middle is no fun, really. I have to really fight my urge to self-sabotage. My 24yr old man and I had an awkward time last night, and he was mumbling some things about how hard it is to have a relationship in this city, yada yada yada. Sorta of indirectly trying to tell me something is up. But my urge is to write to him, which I haven't done, and let him know sorry the date was awkward and when we go out again I can make up for it. In a cute sassy email. WHich wouldn't do any good whatsoever and would make me feel better for a second and then much worse for having sent it. This is obviously not what I am going to do, because guys do not react well to any pushing, which is what that would be. I guess, I hate the not knowing, the inbetween, but that is all I can handle right now. It feels like a catch-22 I need to date to get over the pain of my last boyfriend, but this dating is making me feel vunerable in return. Why can't I get a grip already?
JS17 Posted July 26, 2005 Posted July 26, 2005 i don't have any advice for you but i'm going through the same exact thing....so know you're not alone
alphamale Posted July 26, 2005 Posted July 26, 2005 Originally posted by greenpen , I guess I am looking for some advice on how to just roll with the punches more and not get attached. short of getting a frontal lobotomy there is not much u can do....
Marshbear Posted July 26, 2005 Posted July 26, 2005 When we get attached to fast it is usually infatuation and not love. Love takes time to develop. Deep love can last a lifetime and is so different from the initial attraction. You have to see the difference and know it for what it is. Love is all consuming. You ache in your being and want the best for them. You will sacrifice for them. To hurt them will cause you unbearable pain. These are examples of love...
JS17 Posted July 26, 2005 Posted July 26, 2005 Originally posted by Marshbear When we get attached to fast it is usually infatuation and not love. Love takes time to develop. I don't think that the original poster meant that she was falling in love with this guy, I think she means that she's getting attached to him even though she knows he's not the right guy for her. sometimes we chicks get attached (not love) guys who are BAD for us
Marshbear Posted July 26, 2005 Posted July 26, 2005 sometimes we chicks get attached (not love) guys who are BAD for us
JS17 Posted July 26, 2005 Posted July 26, 2005 Originally posted by Marshbear be nice or i'll talk to your gf about rectifying the situation
Author greenpen Posted July 26, 2005 Author Posted July 26, 2005 yes, that is what I mean. I mean I guess the potential for love is there, it always is, but he is 24 and I am 29 and it just doesn't seem plausible. I think that is what made it safe for me at first. But those feelings of wanting to love and wanting love in return are inevitably going to surface, and like a bad case of sunburn it hurts and is really uncomfortable, but not life threatening. I guess I just don't know how to put on the right sunscreeen to make me impervious it. Full Frontal lobotomy is not in the cards right now, but I don't know how to avoid feeling like this either.
JS17 Posted July 26, 2005 Posted July 26, 2005 i just went through the exact same thing....got out of a relationship and it hurt then...i'm 28, he was 25 and a friend (now former friend)....i don't know if you can turn that off but if you find out, let me know
clynn Posted July 26, 2005 Posted July 26, 2005 Oh my gosh! I had the same thing recently. Things swimming along really well, then we went out on a date and it just felt kind of, awkward, when all things leading up to the point were cool and awesome. Yet I do like him and think that maybe this whole awkwardness is part of it too. Its trying to figure out if you wanna get past teh awkward to the comfortable or if you wanna just drop it. I think that all of this is part of it. I wouldn't get too hung up on the age difference, is isn't that great. Unless he is a wild party animal. Are you going to see him again?
miss-gonewest Posted July 31, 2005 Posted July 31, 2005 Greenpen, I am on the same team as you.... I too get attached. The only advice I can offer is to keep your own interests up. I am perfectly fine when I am single, then I start to see someone and after a while I get attached. I find that I keep days aside in case they will want to see me, then I get insecure when they have their own plans and I am stuck at home. Or I want them to come out with me etc. I am training myself to keep my interests and my friends as strong as ever for when I next get involved. I am promising that I won't turn down offers to go out with the girls, or to do my own thing. I am promising that I am going to keep myself equally as busy and interesting, and allow that 'attachment thing' to develop mutually and of its own accord. This however is a moot point if the fellow is also pushing 'attachment' - but I've been fooled by that before; men like to hunt and chase, so that's bound to fall through once they have you! I don't mean to sound negative on this point because hey, at least it keeps life interesting! Greenpen, keep strong. The most important thing is that you know what you are doing - and you know the traps. Keep your eyes open and don't give in!
Yellowpen Posted July 31, 2005 Posted July 31, 2005 If your 24 guy thinks you + he are an item, He'd be hurt if you dated anyone else. We're all entitled to think of ourselves, but often forget about the pawns we might hurt.
Author greenpen Posted August 1, 2005 Author Posted August 1, 2005 So, my man and I went out a few times last week. after the weird date, the others were pretty great. last night, he made me dinner and this was the first time we've been alone in private together. things got to the pretty heavy petting stage, and he wanted to have sex, but I didn't. My previous boyfriend cheated and lied to me, so I am not ready to get intimate with somone. It has taken me most of my twenties to realize that I just can not handle casual sex. I told this to him and alluded to him about my ex cheating on me. He was understanding but a little disappointed obviously. He was like, I could tell you everything you need to hear, but still you really don't know what will happen...and sex is sex...(such a guy answer) What is the best way to handle the sex issue at this point? I mean I want to, but know it is not the best thing for me, ie not wanting to get attached. but I do like this guy, and want to handle this one really well...
Dasani Posted August 1, 2005 Posted August 1, 2005 Originally posted by greenpen We've been on like 5-6 dates now, but I have kept things pretty PG. Last night we went out and it was sort of stiff and awkward. I hate that shift that happens with someone, like it is great and then it starts to get 'realish' and it suddenly becomes flat. I plan on going out with some other guys to distract away from focusing on one guy too much and it becoming too heavy, but I inevitably start liking someone and then it is this game of feeling distant and wanting to be closer. guys don't struggle with it as much, I guess I am looking for some advice on how to just roll with the punches more and not get attached. wow.. this exact thing happened to me last night. I went to meet the girl i'd like to see a lot more of last night for coffee and to go over some class notes. When we were finished with coffee/tea and the work- I asked her if she had anything else planned for the night- and she said no, so I invited her to see Must Love Dogs. so we went to the movie! Everything up to that point had been going perfectly! LOL stupid me I get this weird feeling while watching the movie.. I'm wanting to hold her hand (hadn't done that yet up to this point) and lol I felt WAY cliche'd wanting to hold hands... and for some reason that stuck with me! What a stupid thing to think... I know! Well in any case after the movie was over I just told her flat out that I'd been wanting to hold her hand all night long... but it felt way too much of a cliche to do it midway thru movie(so I held her hand on the walk back to the car lol). But! the awkardness took hold of what you were referring to! When she was about to get into her car I went for a good night hug... hugged and then we still held- but I was NOT expecting to kiss her yet.. and it was peck on lips... not a kiss kiss but it still happend right lol (I didnt miss or anything haha). and we said good night... I practically freaked over analyzing it in my head afterward lol. but yeah it got "real" not like gonna-be-dating-exclusively-this-early "real" but like we both are interested enough to KEEP seeing each other... and that just hit me last night. =)
greypen Posted August 15, 2005 Posted August 15, 2005 so, the young man and i have been having a lot of fun recently and everything had been going great. we have talked about how neither one of us wants to be anything too heavy and serious right now. for me, because my past relationship was really bad. for him, because he just got out of a five year relationship (he's 24) but for me, the potential is there...but I just don't want to rush into anything. I have not been entirely honest with myself about this though. I like this guy, I want it to go slow, but I wouldn't be dating him if I didn't think the potential for a meaningful connection was there. for him, not wanting to get serious could mean that he never wants it...ever with me. does anyone have a take on what people can mean when they say this? everything had been going well, but I made a blunder this weekend. the last guy i was with was a pathological liar and was with with many women while he was with me which i found out after i broke up with him. my trust with men right now is hanging on a thread, but I haven't wanted this to affect any current/future relationships. I don't want to ever bring him into anything that is good. but this weekend, a good friend of mine told me that the guy i am currently seeing is a huge player who plays tons of women all the time. I freaked out, acted out, and sent him a text message stating such. i knew at the time that this was not the proper way to handle it, that this was an immature thing to do, but when I heard that info I just wanted to cut and run. but when I found out that my friend was actually talking about his brother and not him i felt like an idiot. so i tried to talk to him about it. all i could do was apologize, really. and try to make him understand that I am not a drama queen it was just a bizarre string of events. he knows a little of my history, so he could understand a little of where i came from. but he was really offended and reiterated that he doesn't want anything serious...no drama. and now he wants some "time" to process. reading it now makes it seem heavier than it is, but anyone have a good take on this? be honest...
flowergirl Posted August 16, 2005 Posted August 16, 2005 Good, Lawdy, lawdy, GreenPen, finally someone understands!! Anyway, I'm goin' through the same internal mental drama with the guy I'm dating right now. All of the relationships I've been in have been abusive either physically or mentally and therefore I am romantically dysfunctional. I've always been one to attach myself to a guy too soon, even if he just says "Hi" , and, as mentioned above, it's been a collosal mistake everytime. I really like the guy I'm with now, and he's been good to me thus far, however I'm extremely terrified of getting attached and trusting him, so I'm just chillin', and waiting to see where it goes. The good thing is when we see each other, we talk a lot about what's going on, so there are no misperceptions. Good luck, girl, and I hope everything turns out alright, i know how hard this is.
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