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7 days no contact and struggling [UPDATE Pursue something potentially great or not?]

lost87

By lost87
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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lost87 Member

lost87

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Me and my ex where together for 4 years, lived together for 3. Throughout the 4 years she lost her 18 year old brother to a freak accident whilst drunk and her alcoholic mum to suicide 9 months ago. I did everything i could to support her through all this "always putting her first before me" and as much as a month ago i got her set up to see a beareavement councillor. The last 4 months i noticed she had been quite distant with me.. and a number of things happened like, staying over drunk at a guy she works with flat in which she later stated that she liked him and he liked her..but when i threatened to break up with her she cried and pleaded that she wanted to be with me and promised she wouldnt go near him again.

 

About 2 months ago the same guy got her lcd "acid tabs" to take saying that she would enjoy them and it would help with her grief. The night she took them i had to get out of work early not knowing why she wasng answering her phone and had to spend the night in hospital with her after discovering what she had done. Then the morninh before the breakup last week.. she had been out drinking with work ones and i came home in the morninh from nightshift to find a different guy from her work in the house just ready to get a taxi home. She says that nothing is going on with any of these guys and always says she gets on better with guys than girls so theyre basically friends. At that point i threatened to leave and move out as this isnt what i wanted, talking recently about having kids and getting married.

 

We where only back from a trip to amsterdam aswel a week when this happened and we had a really good time when we where away. When in said i was breaking up with her she said that she didnt feel anything and that it would probably be for the best. She was crying saying she was going to end up like her mum which i could quite easily see happening hanging out with these drug users. In the past week i have moved out and got myself a new place to live. Yesterday when getting the last of my stuff she had the same "guy friend" in the house drinking beer and she looked awful like she was on drugs. Right up until the day we split she would still be quite affecionate calling me sweetie etc and laying on the sofa hugging etc. I was the mature head in the realationship i done everything for her and kept her on the right road..

 

i just cant get my head around how she could quite easily just give up 4 years of memories and plans so sudden for the life shes going towards. It feels like i meant nothing. This is the end of the first day of no contact, i have blocked her number and deleted it off my phone. I just dont know what will happen next, i love her and thought she loved me its just difficult to get my head around. Is Nc the best thing to do right now and am i being harsh blocking her number?. I would get back with her if she contacted mw weeks or months down the line saying what she did was wrong and convinced me that she was going to change and be 100% commited to me but i just dont know if that is going to happen, what do you guys think?

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs ~6
confusedgirlfriend11 Established Member

confusedgirlfriend11

Posted
Posted

I am so sorry for what you've been through. It really sounds like you've treated her really well and dealt with the situation as best as you could.

 

 

If she is on drugs, then she clearly isn't thinking straight.

 

 

Don't think the last four years didn't mean anything, because they clearly did for both of you. For her, it seems she isn't thinking clearly as she has so many bad issues.

 

 

This isn't about you, it's about her being in a bad place.

 

 

You've done everything you could. You should walk away from this and be proud that you did your best.

 

 

I know it's hard but you must try not to think about her. Block her on all communications and don't plan to see her. Keep yourself busy, see friends, exercise, do things you enjoy doing.

 

 

I've literally just broken up with my fiancé, so I know it's super hard. All I keep thinking about is the fact that I know in my heart that I couldn't carry on in a relationship with him as the current behaviour was.

 

 

It seems the same for you. Could you honestly see yourself in the same situation in a years time? How awful would that be??

 

 

Take the time to heal and find yourself.

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lost87 Member

lost87

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Im into the 7th day of no contact and am feeling depressed. I was with my ex for 4 years living together for 3 and over the past few months she was growing distant and disrespecting my feelings by having guys "friends" from her work back in our house partying when i was out on nightshift. At one stage a few months back she admitted to liking a guy, a guy that is in and out of rehab for cocaine abuse, a guy that give her and let her take acid alone in the house, again when i was at work.

 

She,s 24 and over the past 3 years she lost her 18 year old brother to a freak accident whilst drunk and a year ago her alcholic mum to suicide. I done my very best for her through these hard times always putting her needs before my own and a month ago sorting her out to see a grief councellor. Wee split the end of feb after a night of her partying in our house i put to her that i cant take this anymore im 29 years old i just want an easy life and want u to understand by what your doing is hurting me.

 

I felt she was drifting away and didnt care anymore. When i threatened to leave she said, she didnt care. She said that she cant give me what i need and that she wants to be own her own. She says she doesnt want to have someone to answer to all the time. She also said that she feels she cant be herself around me and that she feels i dont like her which is nonsense, i loved the girl. What i didny like was her reckless behaviour, taking drugs, being out at parties and me coming home in the morning not knowing where she is. She cant handle her drink and i was always worried something bad happened to her. Her total disrespect to me and carelessness towards the end is what made me cold towards her at times.

 

When she says she couldnt be herself around me i think its because i was against the drugs and partying etc, me being 29 and her 24, i think i was just alot maturer than her. Im the type of guy that wears his heart on his sleeve and done absolutly everything for her and i think at times she took me for granted. I already suffer from social anxiety and mild depression so im finding this breakup really difficult.

 

Throughout NC im wondering if shes feeling the way i feel, does she miss, does she regret breaking up with me, does she miss me etc. I still love and care for her alot and know past all the issues over the past few months shes a really food girl whos just went through alot in her life, especially recently. I just dont understand how she cant just end everything so quickly, everythinh we had, and had done. We were speaking about kids and gettin married within the next year. Im just lost can someone please give me some perspective on this and some hope if any.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs ~6
William Established Member

William

Posted
Posted

Folks, we added some paragraphs to a recent update on this topic and merged the threads for continuity. There may some duplicate content. Please continue the discussion of this breakup in this thread. Thanks!

preraph Established Member

preraph

Posted
Posted

What a tragic situation. Sadly, she has lost her compass and is betraying you and throwing herself into numbing her pain with substances. No one can make her stop. She has to want to stop. I think breaking up is best, and going no contact so she can't lean on you and then put you in the position of enabling her. You should tell her she needs to get into therapy and join AA, and be clear about it. Tell her she's just anesthetizing her pain and that you are not going to wait around and watch her throw herself in front of the train.

 

Tell her it's AA and psychotherapy or you're gone.

BC1980 Established Member

BC1980

Posted
Posted

NC is hard in the beginning. I had some false starts and stop with it after my last breakup. Eventually, I got tired of my own BS, and it was easy to keep NC after that. But I remember it being very difficult in the beginning. Really depressing and difficult to come to terms with the fact that it was really over. Because that what NC forces you to do. It forces you to accept that it's really over, and that's very hard to do. It's a lot easier to simply live in denial. But in the long run, denial will ruin your life. It will be 2 years later, and you will be on LS still not able to move on. I've seen it here, and it's not pretty.

 

I think you are right to block her number. Especially in the beginning, it's easy to convince yourself that you can be strong if she calls you. You'll convince yourself that you would never answer or that it won't affect you. Don't convince yourself of that. Proactively block, so you won't have to make a decision to answer that phone call or not. You won't be sitting around wondering if if she is going to call because she can't.

  • Like 1
Maldives Established Member

Maldives

Posted
Posted
Me and my ex where together for 4 years, lived together for 3. Throughout the 4 years she lost her 18 year old brother to a freak accident whilst drunk and her alcoholic mum to suicide 9 months ago. I did everything i could to support her through all this "always putting her first before me" and as much as a month ago i got her set up to see a beareavement councillor. The last 4 months i noticed she had been quite distant with me.. and a number of things happened like, staying over drunk at a guy she works with flat in which she later stated that she liked him and he liked her..but when i threatened to break up with her she cried and pleaded that she wanted to be with me and promised she wouldnt go near him again.

 

About 2 months ago the same guy got her lcd "acid tabs" to take saying that she would enjoy them and it would help with her grief. The night she took them i had to get out of work early not knowing why she wasng answering her phone and had to spend the night in hospital with her after discovering what she had done. Then the morninh before the breakup last week.. she had been out drinking with work ones and i came home in the morninh from nightshift to find a different guy from her work in the house just ready to get a taxi home. She says that nothing is going on with any of these guys and always says she gets on better with guys than girls so theyre basically friends. At that point i threatened to leave and move out as this isnt what i wanted, talking recently about having kids and getting married.

 

We where only back from a trip to amsterdam aswel a week when this happened and we had a really good time when we where away. When in said i was breaking up with her she said that she didnt feel anything and that it would probably be for the best. She was crying saying she was going to end up like her mum which i could quite easily see happening hanging out with these drug users. In the past week i have moved out and got myself a new place to live. Yesterday when getting the last of my stuff she had the same "guy friend" in the house drinking beer and she looked awful like she was on drugs. Right up until the day we split she would still be quite affecionate calling me sweetie etc and laying on the sofa hugging etc. I was the mature head in the realationship i done everything for her and kept her on the right road..

 

i just cant get my head around how she could quite easily just give up 4 years of memories and plans so sudden for the life shes going towards. It feels like i meant nothing. This is the end of the first day of no contact, i have blocked her number and deleted it off my phone. I just dont know what will happen next, i love her and thought she loved me its just difficult to get my head around. Is Nc the best thing to do right now and am i being harsh blocking her number?. I would get back with her if she contacted mw weeks or months down the line saying what she did was wrong and convinced me that she was going to change and be 100% commited to me but i just dont know if that is going to happen, what do you guys think?

 

 

I think I might know similar thing happenned to me just different scenario in her case she lost custody of her kids long story she moved interstate to be wth me well partly as she got a better job at my expense tho we work together I was there throughout the whole thing caused me lots of problem as well went thru hell. My fri3nds wife said it well they left because me n u kind of remind of this painful episode of there life so to forget the pain they almost like create a whole new network it's like we're a reminder of the pain they went thru even tho we didn't cause it we just happ3n to be there weird hey.. Anyway my ex is now a party animal and to be honest I have nothing but anger because of wat she's done. 6 yrs gone like that and I waited 2 yrs long distance fo4 her to come up felt like I really got stabbed in the bac wth her. She too has lots of male friends to be honest she told me this at the start before we started dating she likes to hang out wth male friends but me and u know better that usually the guys wanna get laid wth em. Anyway she's in denial about her pain and one day she will break down and probably seek u out but hopefully by then u hav well and truly let go and tell her to go jump good luck bro

hunk Established Member

hunk

Posted
Posted

She's damaged beyond repair and yes, sadly she's going to end up like her mother. Take some solace in that and realize she is responsible for her own decisions and in this case she's responsible for ruining her life. She will never be the woman you fell in love with ever again, that person is gone. Get out and take this as a blessing and find a healthy, loving stable woman who appreciates and respects you and can give you what you need.

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lost87 Member

lost87

Posted
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What a tragic situation. Sadly, she has lost her compass and is betraying you and throwing herself into numbing her pain with substances. No one can make her stop. She has to want to stop. I think breaking up is best, and going no contact so she can't lean on you and then put you in the position of enabling her. You should tell her she needs to get into therapy and join AA, and be clear about it. Tell her she's just anesthetizing her pain and that you are not going to wait around and watch her throw herself in front of the train.

 

Tell her it's AA and psychotherapy or you're gone.

 

She already knows all of this but doent take heat. I have already left and moved into a new place. Im on the 8th day of NC and havnt heard anything from her. Dont know if i ever will :(

Cookies101 Member

Cookies101

Posted
Posted

It sounds like you propped her up for four years?

 

Personally, i would go NC, but not block her number, incase she contacts you in an emergency, and also, you will only get passed the denial stage if you know she has truly not tried to contact you (blocking her sets up a false sense of security). The only reason i'd block is if they're harrassing, or it is too unbearable to hear from them at that point. My 2 cts worth though.

 

She is on a bender (with substance abuse) and is enjoying it more than you, or perhaps other areas of responsibility in her life right now.

 

Probably the most helpful thing you can do is withdraw (but keep lines of c'cation open if it's not too painful), because the only person who can get her out of this is her, and her decisions. You have to stop enabling her. When she's left on her own with all the crap around her, maybe then she'll see she had it good.

 

With the NC, just get on with your life. She probably knows how to contact you if she chooses to.

 

I know this is hard.

  • 2 weeks later...
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lost87 Member

lost87

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Ive been split with my ex of 4 years just over a month..(dumpee) and ive met this really nice girl through an online dating website. We initially spoke 2 days on the phone before meeting up yesterday for a date in which it ended with her staying over at my house and we slept together. Shes over the 3 days we have been so open and honest with each other through deep conversation.. its as if shes the female version of me and its the type of woman ive always wanted and had lacked in past relationships, she shares the same morals/values, shes smart, good family backround, is motivated in both her work and social life, mature and has so many cool interests similar to myself. I could see myself being really happy with with this girl.

Theres a couple of things which is making me feel unsure about pursuing this further. I have no intention watsover with chasing my ex or wanting to be with her, in the month ive been away from her (full NC) ive realised that she has alot of issues that she isnt willing to work on. We are completely different on our outlook om life and she has alot of traits that i just dont want in a potential life partner which all ive only been able to fully notice once ive been away from her. In my eyes i feel im over her although she does still cross my mind everyday. Im not pining for her but just have thoughts about what shes doing etc. With this going on in the back of my mind from time to time plus a feeling of being slightly overwhelmed at this new situation and how different she is from my ex in A VERY GOOD WAY. I think another issue i have is that this girl is really pretty but shes a good bit overweight. Ideally i would prefer a slimmer woman but its really hard to just kill the situation straight away because i dont nesesscarily find her body attractive. Im just in limbo as to what to do because i really like this girl..we both know there is a great connection there, weve spoken on a level that you couldnt imagine only knowing someone 3 days. I just dont know what to do..its like my heart is saying go for it but my brain is producing some type of fear response around the whole thing. I just dont want anybody getting hurt, therefore i thought id come on here for a different perspective or advice.

BC1980 Established Member

BC1980

Posted
Posted
Ive been split with my ex of 4 years just over a month..(dumpee) and ive met this really nice girl through an online dating website. We initially spoke 2 days on the phone before meeting up yesterday for a date in which it ended with her staying over at my house and we slept together. Shes over the 3 days we have been so open and honest with each other through deep conversation.. its as if shes the female version of me and its the type of woman ive always wanted and had lacked in past relationships, she shares the same morals/values, shes smart, good family backround, is motivated in both her work and social life, mature and has so many cool interests similar to myself. I could see myself being really happy with with this girl.

Theres a couple of things which is making me feel unsure about pursuing this further. I have no intention watsover with chasing my ex or wanting to be with her, in the month ive been away from her (full NC) ive realised that she has alot of issues that she isnt willing to work on. We are completely different on our outlook om life and she has alot of traits that i just dont want in a potential life partner which all ive only been able to fully notice once ive been away from her. In my eyes i feel im over her although she does still cross my mind everyday. Im not pining for her but just have thoughts about what shes doing etc. With this going on in the back of my mind from time to time plus a feeling of being slightly overwhelmed at this new situation and how different she is from my ex in A VERY GOOD WAY. I think another issue i have is that this girl is really pretty but shes a good bit overweight. Ideally i would prefer a slimmer woman but its really hard to just kill the situation straight away because i dont nesesscarily find her body attractive. Im just in limbo as to what to do because i really like this girl..we both know there is a great connection there, weve spoken on a level that you couldnt imagine only knowing someone 3 days. I just dont know what to do..its like my heart is saying go for it but my brain is producing some type of fear response around the whole thing. I just dont want anybody getting hurt, therefore i thought id come on here for a different perspective or advice.

 

My honest advice is that 1 month out of a 4 year relationship seems too soon to be dating. Now, that being said, everyone is different. My worry is that this is a rebound, and you are going to get caught up in this and it will crash and burn. I worry when people talk about someone this way, and you've just met her.

 

I also don't understand how you can date someone you don't find attractive. That's just me though.

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lost87 Member

lost87

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Its just because were so alike..compared to my last relationship its has me taken back abit. I do find her attractive in the sense that she has a real pretty face and i like what she wears and obviously her personality its just the weight thing thats holding me back abit.. like everything else is 100% apart from that.

codest Member

codest

Posted
Posted
Its just because were so alike..compared to my last relationship its has me taken back abit. I do find her attractive in the sense that she has a real pretty face and i like what she wears and obviously her personality its just the weight thing thats holding me back abit.. like everything else is 100% apart from that.

 

Once you move past your rebound period, this can become a real deal breaker for you. Currently, you're not so stable and still vulnerable after what you've been through. You are desperately seeking love and intimacy, and that clouds your judgement considerably. Please remember this and be ready for some upcoming changes and regrets.

BC1980 Established Member

BC1980

Posted
Posted
Its just because were so alike..compared to my last relationship its has me taken back abit. I do find her attractive in the sense that she has a real pretty face and i like what she wears and obviously her personality its just the weight thing thats holding me back abit.. like everything else is 100% apart from that.

 

If you aren't 100% accepting of her now, then I would not proceed. Whatever you don't like about her will magnify with time.

BC1980 Established Member

BC1980

Posted
Posted
Once you move past your rebound period, this can become a real deal breaker for you. Currently, you're not so stable and still vulnerable after what you've been through. You are desperately seeking love and intimacy, and that clouds your judgement considerably. Please remember this and be ready for some upcoming changes and regrets.

 

I tend to agree with this. You might be getting caught up in the excitement of something new. It's hard to be single when you have been part of a couple for several years. You instinct it to try to pair up with someone again because it's familiar. But that might not be the best thing to do at this point.

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lost87 Member

lost87

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I cut it off with this new girl on the 3rd night of seeing her. I just didnt feel right. I didnt want to lie to myself or her, so i told her how i felt and she was fine with it. Im just going to go back to focusing entirely on myself, and getting over this breakup the right way. Also when i was out with this girl last night, im near certain that a car drove past with the guy that had been given my ex the drugs and she was on the back..so if it was her im sure she seen me with this girl. How do you think she would of reacted or what will she be thinking?

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newheart Established Member

newheart

Posted
Posted
I cut it off with this new girl on the 3rd night of seeing her. I just didnt feel right. I didnt want to lie to myself or her, so i told her how i felt and she was fine with it. Im just going to go back to focusing entirely on myself, and getting over this breakup the right way. Also when i was out with this girl last night, im near certain that a car drove past with the guy that had been given my ex the drugs and she was on the back..so if it was her im sure she seen me with this girl. How do you think she would of reacted or what will she be thinking?

 

(((Lost))) The fact that you are asking this indicates that you are not nearly as over her as you think you are, or as you stated you were a few posts back. And I am not saying it like it is a bad thing - I think a month out from a four year relationship, three years of living with someone and discussing marriage and children, it would be quite normal for you to need much more time than a month to grieve the loss and heal. And as much as this will hurt to hear - it doesn't matter what she thinks or how she will react, it is irrelevant to your healing.

 

That said, I want to commend you for breaking it off with the new girl. I agree 100% with codest, I can't say it any better. Take time to focus on yourself. Keep reminding yourself that you aren't responsible for her life decisions. Keep writing here, as often as you need. Don't contact her.

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marky00 Established Member

marky00

Posted
Posted

9 months No Contact

 

 

Should I give up?

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