The Poster Posted March 15, 2017 Posted March 15, 2017 I'm always a little weary of making threads like this because I fear the person I'm talking about might secretly be on here lol, but here it goes. I'll break it down as easily as I can: - While I would love to be involved with someone romantically, I wasn't exactly looking. Just focusing on myself. - I make an offhand comment to a close friend telling him that I think his friend is cute. He asks me if I want him to say something to her. I don't really say yes. I kind of avoid the question. He tells her anyway. She thinks I'm cute too! - We start talking. And talking. And talking some more. The connection is strong. There's chemistry. There's a good rapport. We have a lot in common. Talks turn a little flirty (nothing serious though), and even kind of silly. It's evident we get along well and really enjoy talking to each other. We often talk all day, practically every day. - This part is important. She has admitted to me that she got hurt so badly in her last relationship (ended about two years ago) that she's scared of getting hurt again. Asks if we can go slowly. I have no problems with that as I'm still focusing on myself first and foremost and have been burned by going too fast before. - Talks turn to video chat, which goes amazingly good as well. We video chat a few more times and things are progressing. We finally met about a week ago, and that went well too. So all in all we've been talking for over a month now. I ask her if she had fun on the date and she said yes and when I asked her if she'd like to do it again, she said "why not? I just don't want to rush anything." Not a negative answer, but not exactly the excitement I was hoping for. - Here's the kicker. Ever since that night, I feel a different vibe from her. We have continued to talk daily, but the convos have been much shorter and less frequent than usual. Though she does initiate every time and often asks about my day. - Now, admittedly, I'm a classic over-thinker. So sometimes I wonder if I'm just over-thinking. But it's strange that there appears to have been a change after meeting. - So, I'm wondering if she's losing interest, having doubts, or maybe her fears have gotten stronger now that it's gotten more real. Maybe the build up to the date was so strong that she just needs a bit of a breather. I don't know. I'm very respectful of her wishes to take it slow, and I give her plenty of space. I'm also pretty confident that she was really into me leading into last week based on comments she's made throughout the month. But at the same time, I don't want to feel like I'm being lead on or wasting my time. I can be patient, but I need to feel like I'm being patient for a reason. - It's also very possible I'm completely overreacting and need to stop thinking so much about it and just see what happens. So I ask you fine people for your thoughts on the matter.
CaliforniaGirl Posted March 15, 2017 Posted March 15, 2017 Have you kissed at all? Done anything boyfriend-girlfriend-y?
Author The Poster Posted March 15, 2017 Author Posted March 15, 2017 Nope. Nothing like that. We've talked plenty about girlfriend/boyfriendy things but nothing physical besides hugging. I'm just a bit confused as to what is happening here.
JuneL Posted March 15, 2017 Posted March 15, 2017 Nope. Nothing like that. We've talked plenty about girlfriend/boyfriendy things but nothing physical besides hugging. I'm just a bit confused as to what is happening here. Do you go out on dates? What you said "talk", did you mean texting? If you haven't already asked her out on a real date, she might have lost her patience.
Author The Poster Posted March 15, 2017 Author Posted March 15, 2017 Do you go out on dates? What you said "talk", did you mean texting? If you haven't already asked her out on a real date, she might have lost her patience. We just went on a date last week. First one. She's the one that wants to be patient and I'm ok with that. The point of this thread is she's been a lot more quiet since that date in terms of texting and chatting and I'm wondering why.
Life lessons Posted March 15, 2017 Posted March 15, 2017 We just went on a date last week. First one. She's the one that wants to be patient and I'm ok with that. The point of this thread is she's been a lot more quiet since that date in terms of texting and chatting and I'm wondering why. You said that she initiates most conversations... Correct!? Maybe you should try initiating a few times and see if that changes anything. Maybe she's feeling a little bit uncertain because she initiates the contact first. 1
preraph Posted March 15, 2017 Posted March 15, 2017 Not sure anyone can know the answer. But she has said she wants to take it slow. So I would just keep making dates and spending time getting to know her and see if she becomes more at ease or only pulls further away. Unfortunately when someone says "take it slow," sometimes it means getting to know someone and sometimes it means "don't press me for sex." But I'm a woman and after having seen so much time wasted on here by guys ending up in the friendzone, I advocate a strong effort to get to know her better (a bit hard if she's slowing done chat) and not pressuring her at all physically, but definitely a goodnight kiss and hand holding to make sure she knows you're not interested in ending up her cuddly toy. 2
alphamale Posted March 15, 2017 Posted March 15, 2017 I'm always a little weary of making threads like this because I fear the person I'm talking about might secretly be on here lol, you'll probably be hit by lightning first 1
Author The Poster Posted March 15, 2017 Author Posted March 15, 2017 You said that she initiates most conversations... Correct!? Maybe you should try initiating a few times and see if that changes anything. Maybe she's feeling a little bit uncertain because she initiates the contact first. This has been on my mind a lot honestly. I would say she practically initiates contact 90% of the time. I know that's not fair on my end, but I've never been in a position before where a girl is into me but is scared of getting hurt and wants to go slow. I feel like I'm just trying to give her plenty of space to breathe.
Author The Poster Posted March 15, 2017 Author Posted March 15, 2017 Not sure anyone can know the answer. But she has said she wants to take it slow. So I would just keep making dates and spending time getting to know her and see if she becomes more at ease or only pulls further away. Unfortunately when someone says "take it slow," sometimes it means getting to know someone and sometimes it means "don't press me for sex." But I'm a woman and after having seen so much time wasted on here by guys ending up in the friendzone, I advocate a strong effort to get to know her better (a bit hard if she's slowing done chat) and not pressuring her at all physically, but definitely a goodnight kiss and hand holding to make sure she knows you're not interested in ending up her cuddly toy. I don't push anything on her at all. I'm very respectful to her and willing to go at her pace. As far as getting to know her, we've talked pretty much every single day for the last 6 weeks so we know plenty about each other and we've both been very open.
act00 Posted March 15, 2017 Posted March 15, 2017 I think it's normal for the daily conversation to start lessening. When you say talking, do you mean actual talking or texting? Talking all day, every day is a LOT of talking. Even texting can get to be too much, all day, every day, and now with some physical time together, the talking phase might just be naturally slowing down. There's really only so much to say, and when some of the new excitement wears off, you start getting back to life. Also, you states she initiates communication a majority of the time. Perhaps she feels like you don't really like her because you hardly ever initiate. Believe me, she's just as nervous and confused as you are and never initiating conversation could feel to her like you're not interested. Don't wait to long to kiss her.
Author The Poster Posted March 15, 2017 Author Posted March 15, 2017 I think it's normal for the daily conversation to start lessening. When you say talking, do you mean actual talking or texting? Talking all day, every day is a LOT of talking. Even texting can get to be too much, all day, every day, and now with some physical time together, the talking phase might just be naturally slowing down. There's really only so much to say, and when some of the new excitement wears off, you start getting back to life. Also, you states she initiates communication a majority of the time. Perhaps she feels like you don't really like her because you hardly ever initiate. Believe me, she's just as nervous and confused as you are and never initiating conversation could feel to her like you're not interested. Don't wait to long to kiss her. Texting usually. I guess from past experience usually meeting built the excitement, but here it seems to be less of it. I do wonder if maybe she is tired of always being the one to initiate, it's just usually how it went. She would always text me something about her day or work and it would turn into a long conversation. As for the kissing. Trust me, I'd love to, but I have to be respectful of her wishes to take it slow. She admits it will take time for her to learn to trust me and come around. So I don't want to force anything on her.
Life lessons Posted March 16, 2017 Posted March 16, 2017 This has been on my mind a lot honestly. I would say she practically initiates contact 90% of the time. I know that's not fair on my end, but I've never been in a position before where a girl is into me but is scared of getting hurt and wants to go slow. I feel like I'm just trying to give her plenty of space to breathe. I would definitely change your habits on communication. Try texting her a good morning beautiful text in the am....females love that! Since she initiates the conversation most days, make the change and start initiating conversation at least 50/50. It will show her you care!
KBob Posted March 16, 2017 Posted March 16, 2017 As for the kissing. Trust me, I'd love to, but I have to be respectful of her wishes to take it slow. She admits it will take time for her to learn to trust me and come around. So I don't want to force anything on her. OK but have you tried to kiss her and she rebuffed you then and said she wants to take it slow? If not then you need to try and see if that happens. If you don't make a physical move you will be friend zoned. Don't make the mistake of being over-nice. 2
Author The Poster Posted March 16, 2017 Author Posted March 16, 2017 I would definitely change your habits on communication. Try texting her a good morning beautiful text in the am....females love that! Since she initiates the conversation most days, make the change and start initiating conversation at least 50/50. It will show her you care! I did decide to initiate tonight and we had a nice little chat. Went pretty much like it has all week. Not a whole lot of substance but she did admit she's been having a horrible week and she's been cranky. So it's very possible I'm just overthinking but that's what I do when I notice a change. I guess we'll see what happens over the next few days when her week winds down and she gets time to relax.
JuneL Posted March 16, 2017 Posted March 16, 2017 We just went on a date last week. First one. She's the one that wants to be patient and I'm ok with that. The point of this thread is she's been a lot more quiet since that date in terms of texting and chatting and I'm wondering why. My apologies. I missed your middle paragraph about meeting up finally in your original post. Her answer that "why not? I just don't want to rush anything" did sound rather indifferent. Just wondering: have you seen each other in person before your mutual friends set you guys up? I saw that you had interactions over Skype, but seeing on screen usually doesn't convey the same body language. Could it be that she's getting a different vibe from you in person? That's why people usually advise against talking too much before actually meeting up when doing online dating (this also applies to your situation even though you were introduced by mutual friends).
preraph Posted March 16, 2017 Posted March 16, 2017 I don't push anything on her at all. I'm very respectful to her and willing to go at her pace. As far as getting to know her, we've talked pretty much every single day for the last 6 weeks so we know plenty about each other and we've both been very open. You're going to just end up just friends if you don't start acting like you are trying to be a boyfriend. My thought is if she can't even handle holding hands or a goodnight kiss, nothing is ever going to come of it anyway, and if you don't show her you want a girlfriend, then you'll just end up a friend. Of course, you don't pressure her, but holding hands, a goodnight kiss is only too much for someone if they're not into you. 3
goldway90 Posted March 16, 2017 Posted March 16, 2017 Nope. Nothing like that. We've talked plenty about girlfriend/boyfriendy things but nothing physical besides hugging. I'm just a bit confused as to what is happening here. Looks like you turned her off. Hugging is for friends if you don't kiss your date by the end of night, what's the point? I'm very respectful of her wishes to take it slow, and I give her plenty of space. I'm also pretty confident that she was really into me leading into last week based on comments she's made throughout the month The key word is " WAS" she was into you but if you don't make moves like kissing she's going to lose interests in you. 2
TheTraveler Posted March 16, 2017 Posted March 16, 2017 OP, you are neutering yourself and otw to friend zone if you don't change course. You need to engage and make it so. While hugs are nice, save them for puppies and kittens.
Author The Poster Posted March 16, 2017 Author Posted March 16, 2017 Thank you all for your feedback. You all want me to be more aggressive so I will try to be. She already knows I'm not interested in friendship and want to be boyfriend and girlfriend. I'll see where it goes from here but honestly I'm not too confident and she seems to be distancing herself already.
Titanll Posted March 16, 2017 Posted March 16, 2017 You're blowing it. Decide what you want from her...state you desires...respect her wishes...and more importantly...respect your wishes.
smackie9 Posted March 16, 2017 Posted March 16, 2017 IMO when you hear "bad relationship, got hurt" it's a smoke screen. It's her way of saying she doesn't have an interest in having a relationship with YOU. Dude she has already rejected you. Before you know it, if you keep this up, she will announce she has met someone that she calls her new BF. Go out now. 1
spiderowl Posted March 16, 2017 Posted March 16, 2017 This has been on my mind a lot honestly. I would say she practically initiates contact 90% of the time. I know that's not fair on my end, but I've never been in a position before where a girl is into me but is scared of getting hurt and wants to go slow. I feel like I'm just trying to give her plenty of space to breathe. She said she wants to take it slow but, by the sound of it, you are practically stopping. She is probably thinking you are not that interested now or you would at least match her frequency of initiation.
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