joemesina Posted March 15, 2017 Posted March 15, 2017 Hello all, yesterday I went to dinner with my ex girlfriend to a restaurant, our relation ended four month ago, we were in a relation for seven years, we kind of have seen each other or texted every now and then, it has been difficult to do the NC or avoid each other, due to the fact we hang with the same circle of friends and we go to similar places but not together, our encounters have been by chance, there has been difficult moments also in the breakup, she was the dumper. So as mentioned before, we went out, in my opinion everything went as expected, we laughed and have fun, she talked mostly, she seemed to be in a good mood, I acted confident and secure, I didn't touch her or tried to kiss her. My idea was for her to see how I had changed and become a better and mature person. I think I am heading in the right direction because she said, that she think I was faking my behavior, I think she still doesn't believe that I can change, although I took her statement positive, because she noticed a change. I want to get her back, she mentioned that she isn't interesting in dating anybody, my idea is to see her maybe once a week, and try to go and have fun, like dates, showing her more and more that I am a confident, mature and secure guy, and maybe some day she could open her heart again. Please advice any tips or strategies for what to do next, to make her warm up again, I plan to go slowly, without forcing her. thanks. 1
d0nnivain Posted March 15, 2017 Posted March 15, 2017 After 7 years of dating I think you are deluding yourself & lying to her that you have changed in 4 months. Change just doesn't happen that fast. If you go slow I suppose you might have the ability to prove to her that you matured & I wish you well in that endeavor. The 1st time an old fight or old issues rears it's ugly head, this will be all over. My advise: make some new friends & check out new places. 3
goldway90 Posted March 15, 2017 Posted March 15, 2017 I think I am heading in the right direction because she said, that she think I was faking my behavior Wait what? she noticed that there was no change in you. Women can tell if you're faking it. I don't know how you thought you're heading to the right direction!!! she mentioned that she isn't interesting in dating anybody She's not interested. You can go slow or fast but you're heading to the friendzone and i think you're already there tbh. It's time to move on. 2
breadbin Posted March 15, 2017 Posted March 15, 2017 I agree with the last 2 replies joe, run a mile in the other direction. I know how you feel from personal experience. It is like a drug calling you back all the time. There are hundreds, thousands of posts on here about the same thing and the general advice is the same - no contact. Read the posts of desperate men and women looking for a sliver of hope in the darkness. It opened my eyes. I thought my situation was unique but it's not and either is yours. Focus on yourself, fill your life with things that make you happy and especially things that make you forget about your ex. I got so much good advice here and I intend to take it. Heal yourself and get her out of your life. Get yourself to a place where you can tell her no and then you can make a right decision. Only when you prove to her that you have changed will she even think of taking you back. To do this you have to tell her no. You have to tell yourself no. This won't work. 1
dumbass2 Posted March 15, 2017 Posted March 15, 2017 Hello all, yesterday I went to dinner with my ex girlfriend to a restaurant, our relation ended four month ago, we were in a relation for seven years, we kind of have seen each other or texted every now and then, it has been difficult to do the NC or avoid each other, due to the fact we hang with the same circle of friends and we go to similar places but not together, our encounters have been by chance, there has been difficult moments also in the breakup, she was the dumper. So as mentioned before, we went out, in my opinion everything went as expected, we laughed and have fun, she talked mostly, she seemed to be in a good mood, I acted confident and secure, I didn't touch her or tried to kiss her. My idea was for her to see how I had changed and become a better and mature person. I think I am heading in the right direction because she said, that she think I was faking my behavior, I think she still doesn't believe that I can change, although I took her statement positive, because she noticed a change. I want to get her back, she mentioned that she isn't interesting in dating anybody, my idea is to see her maybe once a week, and try to go and have fun, like dates, showing her more and more that I am a confident, mature and secure guy, and maybe some day she could open her heart again. Please advice any tips or strategies for what to do next, to make her warm up again, I plan to go slowly, without forcing her. thanks. Women can smell and acting job a mile away and she did just that. It's not a positive, hence the remark she makes. Best chance at reconciliation ever is after a lot of time has passed and there has been a better chance for honest change to occur. 4 months doesn't cut it. I didn't get a sense that she wants to date you again.
Altair0770 Posted March 15, 2017 Posted March 15, 2017 (edited) There is one key line that I noticed in your post that makes me agree with everyone else. She obviously isn't respecting you. When women want to get back together they make an effort to pull you in, not push you away. And her saying you were faking is a push away. They key line is "I don't want to date anyone". That is by far the biggest lie anyone has ever said. Maybe some people do feel they want to be single, but the second someone catches their attention their "I don't want to date anyone" becomes "Omg I want". That's also her way of saying she isn't interest in being with you. As been said she's likely trying to friendzone you. Do you have any other details? You said you were in limited contact during the 4 month split. How did she act? I'd say run the opposite direction before you get hurt. EDIT: taking it slow is for people that both mutually agree to get back together but are cautious about jumping into a relationship where it previously ended and risk having the same issues occur. The bottom line is all those "get your ex back" websites you read only truly work if the other person has any interest in reconciliation and isn't debating their decision to end the relationship. If you take it slow when trying to get an ex back by seducing them as those websites suggest, you're just going to end up straight into the friendzone and that's a place you never leave unless you disappear for a long time. That is why NC is important. Being in LC or any contact when NC is an option is giving the dumper everything they want and getting you NOTHING you want. If you truly want this woman back you have to go NC. For reconciliation to ever happen both people need to mutually have an interest in doing so. Sometimes that requires the dumper to date other people and realize that they're new interests aren't as good as you. Sometimes that backfires incredibly and they find out their new interest is much better than you. Tips and advice? Say it was good to see her again and go NC until she comes back to you. Granted this is just my opinion. I'd wait for other peoples opinions to be posted too before you make your next move regardless of what it is. Edited March 16, 2017 by Altair0770 1
angel.eyes Posted March 16, 2017 Posted March 16, 2017 (edited) Translation: She's not interested in dating "anyone" = she's not interested in dating you...aka the friend zone. This is like watching a moth so attracted to the light that it flies right into the candle flame. She dumped you for a reason. Getting your hopes up is foolhardy. Your best option, as much as it hurts, is to accept the breakup. Focus on healing and moving on. What you're doing is simply delaying the inevitable. Right now she's bored with no prospects. The minute some guy shows up on the horizon and catches her interest, she'll be off like a rocket. You and your feelings, hopes, dreams of a shared future, etc. will be left in the dust. Don't waste your time torturing yourself to no end. Please learn when to walk away. Edited March 16, 2017 by angel.eyes
Maldives Posted March 16, 2017 Posted March 16, 2017 Women can smell and acting job a mile away and she did just that. It's not a positive, hence the remark she makes. Best chance at reconciliation ever is after a lot of time has passed and there has been a better chance for honest change to occur. 4 months doesn't cut it. I didn't get a sense that she wants to date you again. If ur gonna try anyway be prepared to be very patient and make sure that u dont spark a fight because it cld either end it or set u back to square one. This could take a long time or it cld be relatively quick depending on her and how she starts to feel. Realise there's a chance she may decide to walk away anyway and ask ureself if that the kind of risk ur willing to put ur heart thru again. If so good luck u hav my best wishes for it working out. Just something I learnt wen me and my ex wife were attempting to reconcile. Even tho its only been a cpl months be aware that certain things may hav3 changed. For example wen me and my ex wife split she moved in wth her friend where she use to live before we got married. Wen she contacted me to try and see each other i got a huge shock and was hurt to find out she'd dished out about 8 grand on new furniture between her and her girlfriend. It hurt because it was like she was making a commitment to her rather than me. Something like that can spark a fight etc so being like that a friend for now if it went on like that and the re e was no progress u need to ask ureself if that's what u want. Not a bad thing u hav history if u can repair it ud be better off I beleven rather than go looking again for a new partner. Good luck and keep us posted. Btw, I'm not sure wat it is that u did for to break up realise it may have nothing to do wth u sometimes either be aware of a lot of things remember it's 2 people working it out not just one.
OnlyHonesty Posted March 16, 2017 Posted March 16, 2017 Hello all, yesterday I went to dinner with my ex girlfriend to a restaurant, our relation ended four month ago, we were in a relation for seven years, we kind of have seen each other or texted every now and then, it has been difficult to do the NC or avoid each other, due to the fact we hang with the same circle of friends and we go to similar places but not together, our encounters have been by chance, there has been difficult moments also in the breakup, she was the dumper. So as mentioned before, we went out, in my opinion everything went as expected, we laughed and have fun, she talked mostly, she seemed to be in a good mood, I acted confident and secure, I didn't touch her or tried to kiss her. My idea was for her to see how I had changed and become a better and mature person. I think I am heading in the right direction because she said, that she think I was faking my behavior, I think she still doesn't believe that I can change, although I took her statement positive, because she noticed a change. I want to get her back, she mentioned that she isn't interesting in dating anybody, my idea is to see her maybe once a week, and try to go and have fun, like dates, showing her more and more that I am a confident, mature and secure guy, and maybe some day she could open her heart again. Please advice any tips or strategies for what to do next, to make her warm up again, I plan to go slowly, without forcing her. thanks. I find it interesting that you described your own behavior as acting. Either way, you are demonstrating a lack of options, a lack of willpower and in trying to impress the person that dumped you, a lack of introspection. There are also hints concerning your self esteem too... Nothing good will come out of this and it will only diminish your self esteem. You need to move forward, not backward. Let me ask you this simple question. Do you think a person that had high self esteem and wisdom would go out to dinner with the person that dumped them? Yes or No...
foofightingguy Posted March 16, 2017 Posted March 16, 2017 I agree with all the posters above. Tread carefully otherwise you will end up getting hurt even more. You said you guys went out on a date, was it initiated by you or her? Who is doing most of the contacts? That will easily tell you where the power has shifted. If you want it to work, make sure you have more power, i.e. she is doing the initiation and texting etc...
mightycpa Posted March 16, 2017 Posted March 16, 2017 My advice is to find another couple of girls to go out with, so that you will maintain a little perspective about this one. Plus, you'll have funny stories to tell your ex, and your ex's reaction will tell you whether or not you're wasting your time with her. Although, you don't really need to go to so much trouble to know that. I'll tell you for free. YOU'RE WASTING TIME PURSUING YOUR EX.
Author joemesina Posted March 16, 2017 Author Posted March 16, 2017 Thanks for all your answers, Im well aware of the risks. I have dated other girls in this time, and these dates went well, but I am still no that attracted to them as to my ex. Some additional details, when she told me she thinks I was faking my actions, it sounded harsher than it was, my main language is spanish, Im am from south america. So that was that I might think was the closest, but aftet that she said me that, she thinks that this new face im pulling would be only temporal, and then I could return to older habits, but the thing is, I have changed alot and and now I apply my new learnings in all aspects in my life. She is scared to open up her heart, because I dissapointed her when she ended the relation, and she fears it could happen again, that is why I think she told me that. Other details that I think she still has some feelings is for example she, out of the blue told me that she was travelling out of the country to visit her sister, she didnt have any obligation to tell me. She has seen my instragram stories, even though she doesn't follow me, she keeps romantic gifts I gave her, and she has not deleted pictures of me from fracebook, and I was the one who eliminated her from my contacts. She is also a very proud person, so it is hard for her to show feeling, and this was told to me by her family, so maybe going slow could work. I also keep my options open, and I am always trying to meet new girls.
Blanco Posted March 16, 2017 Posted March 16, 2017 Other details that I think she still has some feelings is for example she, out of the blue told me that she was travelling out of the country to visit her sister, she didnt have any obligation to tell me. She has seen my instragram stories, even though she doesn't follow me, she keeps romantic gifts I gave her, and she has not deleted pictures of me from fracebook, and I was the one who eliminated her from my contacts. All of these are reaches on your part and don't mean anything. Buddy of a friend told me a few weeks ago he's traveling down south next week. Doesn't mean he wants to date me just because he wasn't obligated to tell me that. Likewise, all of these other things are really weak grasps at trying to prove that she still wants to date you. What's more telling than any of these things is that she broke up with you and has made no effort to rescind that decision. She is also a very proud person, so it is hard for her to show feeling, and this was told to me by her family, so maybe going slow could work Don't do this. It's none of her family's business and it's showing poor boundaries that you and her family are having these discussions about her. 1
fromheart Posted March 17, 2017 Posted March 17, 2017 If I went on a date and the girl said she thinks I'm faking my behavior, I wouldn't stand for that sort of nonsense and leave. What she's actually saying is, 'You're faking your behavior to try and get me back, I have all the power here and disrespect you for it.' Walk away with NC and date a woman who can appreciate the time and effort you make into making her feel special, not someone who comes out with derogatory, un enticing comments like that.
Author joemesina Posted March 20, 2017 Author Posted March 20, 2017 Thanks for all the comments, I decided to go NC, I hope I can try and avoid her, because we hang in the same social circles. She has a lot of power now, she knows I want her back, so I must stop any pursuing, also to continue my healing. She has changed alot, and I know she will regret her decision sooner or later, I am moving on. 1
angel.eyes Posted March 20, 2017 Posted March 20, 2017 (edited) She has changed alot, and I know she will regret her decision sooner or later, I am moving on. Unfortunately, this is just you holding on to the hope that she will come to her senses, regret her decision, and want you back. At the risk of sounding harsh, most dumpers are comfy with their decision. They have no regrets about ending things and are moving forward with their lives. Now that you're no longer dating she's trying to stay on friendly terms and keep you as a friend, especially since you share the same social circles. All her actions and statements are consistent with that. Yes, it hurts, especially after seven years together, but you need to stop hanging on to hope. Accept the breakup, and focus on moving on in your own life. Edited March 20, 2017 by angel.eyes 1
keiji Posted March 20, 2017 Posted March 20, 2017 (edited) Thanks for all the comments, I decided to go NC, I hope I can try and avoid her, because we hang in the same social circles. She has a lot of power now, she knows I want her back, so I must stop any pursuing, also to continue my healing. She has changed alot, and I know she will regret her decision sooner or later, I am moving on. It will be very hard to heal and move on while you expect her to want you back. I admire your optimism, but I concur with the other posters: it seems unwarranted. There's nothing that prevents her from rekindling your relationship and yet she's not doing so. It's all that counts, man. Don't wait for her, don't do anything with the aim of getting her back. Just take care of yourself and don't hold on to meaningless gestures like her keeping your gifts. [] Edited March 20, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
breadbin Posted March 20, 2017 Posted March 20, 2017 well done joe, glad you're moving on. no contact is tough though so brace yourself. Well I don't know how tough others find it but I am finding it tough! It's great for morale to read these threads and all the similar stories. sort of cements the decision.
Author joemesina Posted May 2, 2017 Author Posted May 2, 2017 I have been in no contact for a while, yesterday, ex sent a text out of the blue, asking me to gossip about my cousin's ex girlfriend who got married, it was a weird message, even though my ex has friends who could feed her information, I don't know why she texted me about it, also this isn't relevant information and isn't something I cared. I like to clarify that she isn't interested in my cousin, my cousin has a new girlfriend from sometime ago, and the girl who got married was my cousin's first, the one now with him is her third, I don't think this was the motive at all for her to text me. Before I answered with a very short yes, my ex deleted her whatsapp picture and hid her connection status. I don't know what she wants from me!!
1fish2fish Posted May 2, 2017 Posted May 2, 2017 She wants to know you're still there, waiting for her in the wings. She wants an ego boost from you, nothing more. Don't feed off her breadcrumbs!
Author joemesina Posted May 9, 2017 Author Posted May 9, 2017 She wants to know you're still there, waiting for her in the wings. She wants an ego boost from you, nothing more. Don't feed off her breadcrumbs! Thanks for your answer, it was definitely a breadcrumb, I didn't fell for it. I have found out by a mutual friend, that after this text she deleted my contact form her phone, why does she texts and then deletes me??
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