Libragirl1210 Posted March 15, 2017 Posted March 15, 2017 I broke up with my boyfriend 5 weeks ago we spoke on and off over the next few weeks either by text or phone calls initiated by both of us but nothing really compared to before we broke up. On feb 28 we spoke and I told him I want to try and make things work he said that he doesn't want to be in a relationship anymore and wants to be single, I tried to get him to reconsider but he said his mind was made up. So I finally said ok and ended the call. Later on that night I sent him a text saying thanks for the good times etc good luck and take care and that I'll miss him. He didn't reply. I then decided that it was best to unfriend him on Facebook because I didn't want to see him popping up on my newsfeed everyday it would just be too hard. I noticed the next day all our tags had disappeared and he had blocked me. I then tried to get on with my life I felt miserable but I went away for a few days with some girlfriends and went on nights out. We still had mutual friends on Facebook so I'm not sure wether he knew what I was doing. I still had quite a few of his things at my house and some of my stuff at his so on the Sunday just gone I decided that I needed to return his things and pick up my own so that I could really start to move on, since he blocked me on Facebook I was certain that he had blocked my number too so I was just going to go to his place but a friend told me I was better off trying to contact him first so I called and was surprised he hadn't blocked my number. He agreed on me coming around and we settled on a time later that evening. I went there and returned his stuff I was there for around half an hour I acted normal, friendly and kept a smile on my face. I said nothing about the relationship just made small talk with him and his room mate. He walked downstairs with me and I did say that I only Unfriended him on Facebook to make it easier for me not to be nasty and then I said and you blocked me he then said that he had unblocked me now and asked where my phone was and to check I said it doesn't matter now. We hugged and told each other to take care a lot of the time he was looking down and had a smile on his face he also couldn't stay still I'm assuming he was nervous. He also asked about my family and told me to say hello to everyone for me I thought that was weird but I said ok. I then left and felt so much better almost like I had gotten closure and I could move on with my life. Then the next afternoon he called me just for a chat we were on the phone for about 30 mins and he was asking how my day was, what have I been doing, what was I cooking for dinner etc I was confused by this what's your opinion why do you think he called? That was on Monday it's now Wednesday and I haven't heard anything else from him. Hopefully someone can give me some insight into what's going on. Thanks
Altair0770 Posted March 15, 2017 Posted March 15, 2017 If he tries to call you, tell him "You need to make a decision. You broke up with me. In order or me to move on and heal we cannot be in contact for awhile. Please give me this time to heal. I wish you the best in life but I ask that you respect my time to heal as I've respected your decision to end the relationship. If you do not wish to lose me, you must commit to a relationship" As for his behavior he is doing what we call "breadcrumbs". He's trying to get what he still can out of you, subconciously, without committing to a relationship. In order for you to heal and move on, NC is by far the best option. It was his decision to end the relationship, so he must live with his choice. If you give him what he wants, he will take complete advantage of you until he finds someone new.
breadbin Posted March 15, 2017 Posted March 15, 2017 I assume OP did the dumping is that right? Maybe I read it wrong.
Author Libragirl1210 Posted March 15, 2017 Author Posted March 15, 2017 Yes I originally broke it off with him
Author Libragirl1210 Posted March 15, 2017 Author Posted March 15, 2017 Because he was on Tinder. He deleted it and wasn't talking to anyone and hadn't met anyone. I decided that I could forgive him and try to make the relationship work but he said he wanted to be single. But is now contacting me again
breadbin Posted March 15, 2017 Posted March 15, 2017 His behaviour sounds perfectly normal. The Trust the two of you had is gone. He probably has friends telling him to forget about you. Telling him not to contact you and move on with his life. You probably hurt him. He's scared of getting hurt again. You are feeling guilty about the split and like hunk said why did you two break up?
hunk Posted March 15, 2017 Posted March 15, 2017 This situation is impossible because you still have strong feelings for him and your feelings are actually probably much stronger for him right now, you sound young. You didn't want to break up with him and now you want to get back together. I'm not sure what advice to give you, because you're still very much in love with him. From a male perspective I don't think he was ever serious about you and i think he genuinely does want to be single, but would still enjoy sleeping with you when he feels like it. He will message you after a few weeks of no contact wanting to sleep with you again, you'll probably jump at the chance and this will just keep occurring over and over again with you getting hurt and believing he's in love with you and might get back together when he's not and is just using you for easy sex while he explores his options and enjoys being single. His ego was bruised when you dumped him and he wants to stay away from you because he feels emasculated being dumped by a girl he wasn't that into in the first place. My advice is to cut this guy off completely and find another man, but I know you won't be able to do this, and maybe that's not a bad thing, you will just have to learn yourself and that lesson will be more powerful than a stranger's advice on the internet. I'm sorry but this is the most objective advice into this situation that I can give. 2
Author Libragirl1210 Posted March 15, 2017 Author Posted March 15, 2017 Hunk Thanks for your advice. We are both in our late 30's so not young lol. He used to call me multiple times every day and text and sometimes question me as to why I hadn't called him when he had called me 4 or 5 times already. I was also introduced to his family we had also made plans to travel overseas to Europe to meet with his parents. Just in December last year we were in a jewellery store looking at chains and he pointed out a few engagement rings to me and asked if I liked them. He would come and stay at my house for days tell me he loved me was really affectionate and showed jealousy a few times. So I don't think it was a case of him not being that in to me. I was his first real relationship he is 39 and has pretty much been single the whole time. His room mate told me that in all the years he has known him he had never seen him as happy as he was with me. It is most definitely a confusing situation I did think that maybe he got scared because it was all getting very real we were together for 18 months. I also have a 12 year old son and they got along like a house on fire. The reason for my question was because I accepted that it was over returned his stuff and left it at that. Then he calls the very next day. I've already decided that I'm not going to contact him no calls no texts nothing but I was confused as to why he would call and wanted to get others opinions
hunk Posted March 15, 2017 Posted March 15, 2017 my bad! sorry, just the wording of your post made it sound like you were young and in one of those late teens-early 20's blind-love situations with a guy who didn't give a **** at all. You'll definitely hear from him again, but you need to decide if going back to a relationship with him that constitutes his behavior most likely being doomed to repeat itself, i.e., him just going cold on you, is what you want. For now, move on with your life and if and when he contacts you again you need to have a proper discussion and communicate properly as to why he behaved the way he did and you need to make an adult decision regarding whether you think it's worth it to hang around in spite of knowing he has commitment issues and is most likely going to hurt you over and over. Best of luck
Author Libragirl1210 Posted March 15, 2017 Author Posted March 15, 2017 Thanks Hunk I don't usually come to forums like this for advice but because this guys behaviour has baffled me and my friends I decided I would seek some outsiders opinions. I am still very much in love with him but I decided it was best for me to move on which is why I returned his stuff said my good byes and left it at that. His behaviour is definitely showing his immaturity and I did notice very early on in our relationship how inexperienced he was but it wasn't a deal breaker for me because I really liked him. Perhaps if he keeps contacting me I will just have to ask him why and what exactly it is that he wants from me. But unfortunately deep down I know that it's highly unlikely that his behaviour will change. It's just so confusing.
Author Libragirl1210 Posted March 15, 2017 Author Posted March 15, 2017 I broke it off with him because he was on Tinder
ExpatInItaly Posted March 15, 2017 Posted March 15, 2017 Sorry, but if this man joined Tinder then he was indeed looking for other options. He was not committed in the way he pretended to be. You did the right thing dumping him. A man in a relationship has no business creating a Tinder account in the first place. 1
Altair0770 Posted March 16, 2017 Posted March 16, 2017 I broke it off with him because he was on Tinder Was he on Tinder looking at other women or did he just have the app on his phone? If he was looking on Tinder for other women then you probably made a good decision to end it. If he just had it on his phone and wasn't using it he likely just forgot he had it and you became insecure. My apologies, I misread when you said you broke up with him.
Author Libragirl1210 Posted March 16, 2017 Author Posted March 16, 2017 No he was using it but had no matches and wasn't talking to anyone. He explained that he went on there when he got bored at work etc he spent all his free time with me and was constantly calling or texting me when we weren't together and worked 12 hour night shifts sometimes up to 5 nights a week so I know that he wasn't physically cheating on me but still a betrayal none the less
Altair0770 Posted March 16, 2017 Posted March 16, 2017 No he was using it but had no matches and wasn't talking to anyone. He explained that he went on there when he got bored at work etc he spent all his free time with me and was constantly calling or texting me when we weren't together and worked 12 hour night shifts sometimes up to 5 nights a week so I know that he wasn't physically cheating on me but still a betrayal none the less I do agree completely. My ex has PTSD and I was a trigger (was a LDR). She constantly ran to other guys for support. I consider that a huge betrayal, especially since she didn't tell me she has PTSD until the very end. I'm not sure how your breakup was, but did you ever confront him with your concern that he was using Tinder? That is a cause of alarm, obviously, and a betrayal of trust. If he was committed to the relationship he wouldn't have done that. It seems to me he may have just been unsure of a long term commitment and wanted to see other potential options out there. I don't blame you for breaking up with him, but if my suspicions are correct, be careful if you truly reconcile with him.
ExpatInItaly Posted March 16, 2017 Posted March 16, 2017 No he was using it but had no matches and wasn't talking to anyone. He explained that he went on there when he got bored at work etc he spent all his free time with me and was constantly calling or texting me when we weren't together and worked 12 hour night shifts sometimes up to 5 nights a week so I know that he wasn't physically cheating on me but still a betrayal none the less I agree, 100%. He couldn't download a game instead, to kill his boredom? Scroll through Facebook? Check out the latest babes on Google? He obviously wasn't calling and texting you constantly, because he somehow managed to fit in time to peruse single women in his area. People know what Tinder's for. He knows what it's for. It's one thing to maybe check out a few attractive models online, for example. It's quite another to have created a profile on a dating app designed to connect you with locals who are looking for dates and hook-ups. Be glad you discovered this now, before committing any further. For me personally, this would be a deal-breaker. I maintain that you did the right thing in ending this. You deserve a man who wouldn't risk it all by joining a dating app while he's your boyfriend. Your ex did, which says a lot, in my opinion. How did you discover this, OP?
Author Libragirl1210 Posted March 16, 2017 Author Posted March 16, 2017 A friend of mine was using Tinder and came across him one night she took screen shots and sent them to me, when he was over my place the next day he was having a sleep so I had a look on his phone to check for sure and there it was, i opened the app to have a look and he had no matches nor was he talking to anyone. I thought about it for a few days then brought it up that's when he gave me his explanation that when he gets bored at work early in the morning he goes on there, he deleted it straight away and I accepted his explanation but 2 weeks later I broke up with him because I just couldn't get past the betrayal. I have to add that late last year our relationship was fantastic he was pointing out rings to me and asking if I liked them and talking marriage etc. He is Portuguese and his parents live there so over Xmas and new year he went to Portugal for 3 weeks and I'm assuming he was speaking about me because his parents brought me gifts for him to bring back and his family started adding me on Facebook when he got back in early January I was invited to a big Portuguese family dinner here with his family that is here. A friend did say to me that it's always possible that with his family now getting involved it made it all very very real and he could've possibly freaked out. Being of European background and in his late 30's I wouldn't be surprised if his parents were pressuring him to get married etc it makes sense to me cause that's when I noticed a difference in him when he got back from overseas and his family got involved prior to that everything was fantastic
Author Libragirl1210 Posted March 16, 2017 Author Posted March 16, 2017 And just to add I was completely happy with things just the way they were I never brought up marriage or rings with him when he pointed out rings to me a few times I just said yeah that's nice and not much else, I never put pressure on him regarding that because I was happy just the way things were
Purepony Posted March 16, 2017 Posted March 16, 2017 I see your point but he made it clear he wants to be single so go mc and move on but move on for real... not move on and hope he comes back and take his calls and listen to him because if you do he's getting the best of both worlds one you're there in case his single plan does it work as a back up and two he knows the doors open it's probably not as dumb as you think he is My guess is .... he'll play the field, you'll wait and he'll come back and all will be normal
preraph Posted March 16, 2017 Posted March 16, 2017 So he thinks he can just be pals now because you were so civilized when you came over. He may even think you can be FWB or something because you were so composed. Do not try to worry about what he is thinking. Instead you take the actions you need to take to move on, including blocking him and getting off social media he's on, and not taking his phone calls. 2
Author Libragirl1210 Posted March 16, 2017 Author Posted March 16, 2017 That makes complete sense he may think because i kept my composure when i returned his stuff that its ok for him to call for a chat when he feels like it! I feel so much better about the situation now and am moving on i already decided that i won't be initiating any contact with him, I haven't heard from him again since his phone call on monday but if he contacts me again i will just need to tell him to stop and that i'm moving on with my life. Thanks for all yout replies i was just extremely comfused as to why he called, and i am most definitely moving on I deserve so much better then what i got from him
ExpatInItaly Posted March 16, 2017 Posted March 16, 2017 That makes complete sense he may think because i kept my composure when i returned his stuff that its ok for him to call for a chat when he feels like it! I feel so much better about the situation now and am moving on i already decided that i won't be initiating any contact with him, I haven't heard from him again since his phone call on monday but if he contacts me again i will just need to tell him to stop and that i'm moving on with my life. Thanks for all yout replies i was just extremely comfused as to why he called, and i am most definitely moving on I deserve so much better then what i got from him He probably wants to see if he can have his cake and eat it too. This is the same man who was in a relationship and created a Tinder profile after all, so it's sadly not surprising that he's trying to see if he can still take advantage of your kindness. He is apparently that type of guy. You're making a very wise choice to stay away, OP. You learned you cannot trust this man when you're not looking. Without that, a healthy relationship isn't possible. And thank your friend who tipped you off. Imagine you hadn't discovered this until after he'd met someone else. But I wonder if he somehow wanted to get caught, if he wanted a way out of the relationship. Everybody and their sister is on Tinder nowadays, and it seems he used his real photo so he had to have known the risk he was taking. Either that or he is a total dimwit. Neither is good. You can and will do so much better.
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