Lana_10 Posted March 14, 2017 Posted March 14, 2017 Hi all, I have broken with my ex 6 months ago. Actually we were never a true couple but still within 3 years we made a stronger connection than I could ever imagine. We are both independent people and initially looked at each other as a way to spend great time when get a free weekend. We are highly compatible physically, intellectually, maybe less emotionally. relationship wise we see things differently, he is a man not willing to commit to a woman, doesn't believe in long term relationships or marriage, never had relations since 24 yo while now being 39 with some deep family related wounds. He appears as a strong man with rational approach and passionate attitude to his hobbies but also having that insecure boy inside. Me, being more traditional in my vision of relationships but unfortunately being attracted by men with strong sense of independence and at the same time not capable to handle it as have own fears of being rejected. I used to have long term relationship and even was married. All long term relationships made me bored or i stopped loving..what actually proves his theory..in the past 6 years I got into the nomad spirit, bright affairs with charismatic individuals and emotional dramas. So with a long story short, we had different stages wih him- with very distant to very close connection within these 3 years. At some point we achieved a very strong connection and opened up to each other as never to any one else. But then it still didn't work, by that time we were already in different cities, seeing each other once in month, with different life priorities. We were not together but he also didn't let me go, appearing with speaking about his love and then disappearing having his own emotional issues. at some point it started driving me crazy, I was loosing myself and asked to leave me alone. He asked for a real meeting to talk but I knew I could not handle it after several similar conversations earlier and said no. Since then we are not in touch. The last half year were not easy but I feel how emotionally I came down being not so distracted by him. Still I miss him every day and just love. But you know, I love him unconditionally, first time in life not with a needy love to bring him back, but just wishing he is happy. i think I learnt this love with time. I know I can be with other man and I was in this 6 months period but he is special in my heart. Recently I started writing him a letter, but do not send it. I just wrote it..I'm not sure if I need to send it, one day I want, another day I think it is silly. I don't even know why..do I want to bring him back with it? Not sure..i know that only glancing at him will make me happy but i do not know if I believe we can make each other happy..some element is missing.. i just love him and want let him know that he always will have my love. Or is it a self-cheating?
Author Lana_10 Posted March 14, 2017 Author Posted March 14, 2017 This is my letter to him. Hello my dear E, I hope that when reading these lines, you are full of love, health, and joy with life. I also hope that any changes you had to go through are for your better well being and whatever you are doing now, work and private makes you happy. Everything is good with me. In the last months i found a balance of my inner world and how life is going for me. Work is very interesting and challenging, I see how much I learn but also grow with making a difference for other people. It takes much time and energy but gives a sense of meaning in what I do. The past month I was traveling to US and then Mexico. I have met lots of interesting people, that broadened my outlook and gave new perspectives. Culture, mentality, history of the countries, it also filled me with new knowledge and understanding. And as funny as it seems, going so far and learning other people roots brought me back and even closer to the wish of understanding my own roots and identity. Even asked friends to get few books for me in Ukrainian:) I also keep an eye on personal life and enjoy spending time with close ones. My Mom visited me finally which was amazing time to have her here. We travelled around including Switzerland. She likes it a lot. Until now she was still worrying how far I am from her. But when she could witness that I am all good in the foreign country, she calmed down and willing to visit me more often. Friends come too and we arranged nice weekends. Three just were here and we went for a small trip to Sicily. We had so much fun and laugh. I passed finally the official exam for german, even it didn't change my lack of compassion to the language, but at least preparation pushed forward and I see that strengthened it to some extent. I do need a pause in various studying...Exams for coaching went well too and got certification. The practical one was fine but written portfolio was tough, 190 pages of recorded reflection on my coaching practice..sometimes I felt like reflecting on reflection..mama Mia, took quite a lot of my weekends and nights to finish..Still i can't say that didn't like it. This area is very interesting for me to work on further. The start of the year I spent in Barcelona. The friends suggested to go for New Year. It is awkward that being in your city I didn't contact you. I can't say that I didn't have such thoughts or wishes but my will is strong to overcome such needy moments. Time there helped me, just being at the sea and walking around, we were quite close to your place, brought me a sense of returned unity. It didn't cut out my very good memories connected with you. it helped to accept them as a part of the past with a gratitude, we indeed had a great time together. I stopped dancing kizomba though:-) this is too much of you and probably will always be. October, November were hard for me, very stressful at work but also interrupting our connection didn't make it easier. Still it was helpful to get my space and time, to take care and love myself and be happy. I do not know why but I sense it and believe that this time was and is also good for you with finding your balance, after a period when you started exploring yourself on deeper levels, began to open up lots of wounds facing your fears, and true emotions. Hope you are in peace with yourself now, because I want that you stay happy with your heart and mind my dear E. I love you and wish you only the best. No matter that I took a decision to cut our communication you are and will always be in my heart. With love, J
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