BaileyB Posted May 4, 2017 Posted May 4, 2017 I have such a deep emotional connection to him. I'm not sure how you can have a deep emotional connection with a man who criticizes every little thing about how you look or what you do... Good riddance, I say. Glad you are going to see a counsellor. I would suggest you spend some time thinking about what you want to find in a healthy relationship. I agree with Gaeta, we are not always at our best... There are days that my hair is crazy curly with the humidity, my toes are not painted, and let's not even mention those five pounds I'd always like to loose... But none of it matters to my boyfriend because he loves and accepts me for the person that I am, much more than my appearance. When you find the right guy and have a really healthy relationship, you will learn this too this... It's a profoundly humbling and wonderful experience.
kendahke Posted May 4, 2017 Posted May 4, 2017 I can't be with someone who is so superficial. I went total cold turkey and we didn't talk for 2 months. Recently, we reconnected There was no earthly reason for you to reconnect with him other than to punish yourself. He made himself plain when he said that mess about your fingernails. Now you've let him heave another boulder on your esteem's shoulders with that comment about forearms. Do you enjoy these put downs? I don't understand going back for more abuse. Stop talking to him. Nothing you say will ever get through to him. He's off on his own isht. Block him and move on with your life. He means you no good. Yeah, everyone is entitled to their preferences, but it's quite clear that who you are as you are is not his preference, so why are wasting your time and youth? 2
BaileyB Posted May 4, 2017 Posted May 4, 2017 I hope you see the humour in this because his thing about forearms is utterly ridiculous!!! I epilate mine on occasion - I have barely any hair and what is there is blonde - then it gets lighter in the sun and shimmers so much - I epilate sometimes. I went on a first meet recently. All my pics show my naturally curly hair (It's in very good nick and not frizzy) - botticelli type curls (loose ringlets)) but he said to me part way through 'you should watch Millionaire Matchmaker - you got tonight so wrong!!!' I asked what he was on about and apparently Millionaire MM is no no for curls and tells every woman to straighten their hair. This guy said he felt 'let down' that I had not made an effort - WTF!! No way on earth would I use heat gadgets on my hair and wreck it - and certainly not for a man!! Lol. I am the opposite. I have frizzy, curly hair that is difficult to control and I use heat gadgets on my hair everyday... for me. One day, early into my relationship we went for a walk on a very humid night. I was horrified to learn when we got home that my hair had gone very curly, and very frizzy... It was the first time that my boyfriend had seen my crazy curly hair and I has embarrassed to wonder just what he was thinking... He looked at me and laughed... He told me that I looked just like Monica from "that Friends episode" and he didn't know that frizzy, curly hair was a real thing... In that moment, I knew that he was a good, kind man with a sense of humor. It felt amazing to realize that he wasn't bothered by my appearance... OP, this is worlds away from your experience. It's the reason why so many are supporting you to send this guy packing... You deserve to find someone who will love you for your best, and worst, qualities... 2
usa1ah Posted May 4, 2017 Posted May 4, 2017 I've been dating my boyfriend for about a year now and I recently began spending more time with him and sleeping over at his more often. I'm 29. He is 36. We haven't had sex in the past two weeks that I've been spending more time with him and sleeping at his place every night. I was not sure how to bring it up to him. It was on my mind everyday and I kept thinking, hoping, "okay today will be the day it happens." Except it didn't. I finally mustered up the courage to say something last night. I have to note that he is super particular - he has commented on how I tie my shoes, how I wear my socks, how I hold my purse, he corrects my posture, and comments on whether my nails are uneven, etc. His comments are somewhat done in a nice way, but I'm sure one can understand how they can be bothersome. But it my opinion, this is taken to a ridiculous level. Last night we were discussing these little things e.g. "I don't understand how a 29 year-old woman has uneven nails," I really don't know what to think of this? Honestly, I think about other things on a daily basis other than my nails and when I find the time to manicure them, I do. I eat healthy, I workout 3 times a week, I shower daily and I take pride in my appearance. Although, in mind, I consider myself to be a fit, attractive, hygienic woman, he makes me second guess myself because of these issues he finds with me. But to him they are big issues. So what takes precedence here? So on this topic, I hesitantly said to him verbatim: Sometimes I feel that these little issues (e.g. uneven nails, what I'm wearing, how I'm wearing it etc.) correlate with your sexual desire for me. He had a long-winded response and did not directly answer me, but his response alluded to "If I don't find you visually appealing, I do not have the desire to have sex. And every guy is like this. Not just me." I can't tell you how beyond hurt and offended I am and he still doesn't understand why. I've never been made to feel so unappealing and unattractive. He is not in the best shape, not the most attractive person in the world, not my normal go-to type, but I have such a deep emotional connection to him. My past relationship was with a super physically fit guy, but I never wanted to have sex with him because of the way he made me feel. I want absolutely nothing to do with him at this point because of how superficial he is and how horrible he has made me feel. I went to bed every night in something I thought he would consider sexually appealing, I support him, I'm nice, I love him, but my uneven nails or whatever it was each day, killed anything from happening. Am I in the wrong? I just can't get past this feeling. I believe it was a BS excuse. There is something else going on here. Please find someone that true loves you for who you are. Uneven nails and all.
usa1ah Posted May 4, 2017 Posted May 4, 2017 So after that day where he essentially told me he wasn't having sex with me because I wasn't visually appealing enough, I lost it on him and ended the relationship because 1) I like to think I'm attractive (said in the most modest way possible) 2) he's not an Adonis 3) I can't be with someone who is so superficial. I went total cold turkey and we didn't talk for 2 months. Recently, we reconnected and we had a lengthy discussion about that night. I was hoping I misunderstood him and he was hoping he misunderstood me. Wow, were we both wrong. He stands by the belief that a woman should do everything possible to be as attractive as possible to her partner and the latest element of improvement on my part - forearm hair. (?????????!!!!!!!!!!) I know that's a preference for some women and for some men. And I really believe in to each their own. My forearms are not remotely hairy and actually turn blonde in the sun, so it never once crossed my mind to wax them. But according to him, it will make me more attractive and in turn make him more attracted to me. But I should not only do it for him, but for myself. And he is really set in the belief that waxing your forearms, legs, and bikini, manicured nails, non-frizzy hair, non-chipped nail polish is the minimum standard a woman should attain and that EVERY man thinks the same way! I can't tell you how angry I get when I hear things like this. There is no convincing him otherwise. I said I understand that you view this as your norm, but it is really just a personal preference. And he scoffs and does not agree with that fact that this is a mere preference, but rather how he feels most people are. I just hate the way it makes me think and feel - Is he right in this belief? Have I been out of the dating pool for so long that I have to be at the peak of maintenance? What were his past girlfriends like - they must've been fairly prim and proper?! Will men turn me away if my forearms aren't waxed? Like what the F!!!! But then my mind stops me from thinking that way because although I have my own minimum standard, I care a lot more about WHO a person is vs what they look like. It's just so sad that he thinks like this and is trying to project that onto his romantic partner. Am I right?! Your not seriously say he said ALL MEN. Not. He is an idiot. Here he had a beautiful woman that loved he and he obviously did not love you in return.
mortensorchid Posted May 4, 2017 Posted May 4, 2017 I'm sorry this is happening to you. I was in a similar situation with someone a while back, he was a complete sociopath who thought he was better than everyone else as well as an ignorant person. I was not with him nearly as long as you have nor was the relationship as invested as yours seems to be (after a year). But seriously, ditch this a******. Do you want to face more of his criticism and putting down your self esteem so he can feel superior? I hope the answer is no. 1
Recommended Posts