Very Hurt - Asked BF Why Sex Is Lacking

[ptrl0362]

Ok so what are the repercussions for say you took the two pairs of boots with you, and wore the "wrong" pair with your leggings, or what happens if you pull your jeans up, or what happens if you wipe your toothpaste on the towel?

If you never ever rock the boat now, what happened in the past when you did those things?

Why does he have so much power over you?

I can't say there would be specific repercussions to not following his preferences. Often, it would just be in my mind. I would feel the silent judgment and I wanted to avoid that. I wanted him to be "into me." Sometimes he made it so obvious that he didnt like something I was wearing or doing that he couldnt keep it in. We have had many arguments. And I guess sometimes I saw the sense in what he said even though I did not like the way it made me feel. He said couples "grow together." He is also aware of his anxiety over this, but he says that's the way he is and my response is "well, this is the way I am." (I.e. an uneven fingernailed, toothpaste on towel wiping, a high-waisted pant-wearing 29 year old woman).

 

I always knew it was unhealthy and as I write this and read responses I do realize that this was never right.

 

It's sad that it's come to this and I wish I realized this all sooner. I have therapy next Wednesday and will discuss my appeal to controlling men.

[ptrl0362]

OP, I just wanted to say in response to your last post that there is nothing about you that needs correcting. You are a human being, entitled to your own thoughts, opinions, and preferences.

 

Just because he has a specific way of doing things, doesn't mean that it is "right." It is simply, his way of doing something. For this man to try to impose "his way" on you in this way, is not respectful to the beautifully unique person that you are!

 

And really, these are the little things... Does it really matter if you use the towel to wipe off the toothpaste or bend one leg under your knee while sitting to eat at home. I mean really, does any of this really matter in life? Does it bring any kind of happiness or joy?

 

There must be some kind of anxiety to require a person to want to control the smallest things in this way. And I often think it must be very difficult to get through life when someone is so inflexible. I would suggest, one of the key things for good mental health is flexibility.

Thank you. This means a lot.

 

I have the same thoughts.

[smackie9]

I think he is trying to get you to break up with him, give him what he wants....

I was thinking the same thing....he is too much of a coward to do it himself. Dump this chump. You can't fix this.

[smackie9]

I have therapy next Wednesday and will discuss my appeal to controlling men.

 

I call it trying to tame the beast. You find yourself feeling "special" if you can soften the man that treats you like crap. When he pulls away or gets abusive, dopamine releases in the brain, giving you reward. That's why so many women never leave a domestic abuse/ violence relationship/situation. You fill with love for them, and try to tame them by correcting what they don't like about you, or be obedient to please them. A real bad cycle to get into, and real difficult to get out of.

[montie1]

There's a song you should listen to. Caribbean song. Its by an artiste called Nadia Batson. And the songs name is Manager.

 

That's what you got. Its ok for men to be particular. But this dudes on another level. He should pretty up his own nails and pleasure himself. You don't deserve that.

[VeveCakes]

Sociopath.

 

He is probably sleeping with hookers on the side. Ok maybe that's just my ex but he was the EXACT same at the end of our relationship trying to belittle everything I did.

 

Try to act so perfect yet getting pegged by a hooker.

 

This guy has so many issues he could be national geographic. Run and run fast.

[neowulf]

Whenever I see these posts, I'm always surprised by the question the OP's are asking.

 

The real question you should be asking is "Why do I value myself so little that I'd put up with this kind of garbage from someone".

 

That's the one you really need the answer for.

 

No one deserves to be picked on and taken apart like you've described.

Don't allow this man to destroy your sense of self worth. You're perfect the way you are, including any perceived "flaws" he might like to point out.

 

Please, do this for yourself. Leave.

[Arieswoman]

OP,

 

elaine567 #12 nails it here;

 

You are probably a people pleaser.

 

Also controllers are always on the look out for people they can control. They prey on the weak and vulnerable. If you were in a weak and vulnerable position when he found you, you were perfect for him.

You clung on to what you saw as strength, he saw a weak individual who he could manipulate.

 

From my own experience - I was also a "people pleaser". I grew up with an abusive, controlling mother. I was engaged to a man who was controlling. That relationship ended and I married a man who was controlling.

 

I didn't see them as "controlling" I saw them as strong and reliable.

 

After 4/5 years of being married to No 2, I got fed-up and started to wake up. I took the "mug" sign off my forehead, took the "please wipe your feet" sign off my back, stood up and said "**** this for a game of soldiers, I want a better deal !

And guess what? He started cheating with a girl from an abusive home who was another people-pleaser.

 

Don't make my mistake - get out now before he psychologically destroys you.

 

Signing up for assertiveness classes would be a good idea as well.

[dcamnc]

What a psycho guy. How are you putting up with this? I know if I even look at a girl I'm dating sideways, I get dumped; much less all this stuff.

[coolheadal]

I've been dating my boyfriend for about a year now and I recently began spending more time with him and sleeping over at his more often.

 

I'm 29. He is 36.

 

We haven't had sex in the past two weeks that I've been spending more time with him and sleeping at his place every night. I was not sure how to bring it up to him. It was on my mind everyday and I kept thinking, hoping, "okay today will be the day it happens." Except it didn't. I finally mustered up the courage to say something last night.

 

I have to note that he is super particular - he has commented on how I tie my shoes, how I wear my socks, how I hold my purse, he corrects my posture, and comments on whether my nails are uneven, etc. His comments are somewhat done in a nice way, but I'm sure one can understand how they can be bothersome. But it my opinion, this is taken to a ridiculous level.

 

Last night we were discussing these little things e.g. "I don't understand how a 29 year-old woman has uneven nails,"

 

I really don't know what to think of this? Honestly, I think about other things on a daily basis other than my nails and when I find the time to manicure them, I do.

 

I eat healthy, I workout 3 times a week, I shower daily and I take pride in my appearance. Although, in mind, I consider myself to be a fit, attractive, hygienic woman, he makes me second guess myself because of these issues he finds with me. But to him they are big issues. So what takes precedence here?

 

So on this topic, I hesitantly said to him verbatim: Sometimes I feel that these little issues (e.g. uneven nails, what I'm wearing, how I'm wearing it etc.) correlate with your sexual desire for me.

 

He had a long-winded response and did not directly answer me, but his response alluded to "If I don't find you visually appealing, I do not have the desire to have sex. And every guy is like this. Not just me."

 

I can't tell you how beyond hurt and offended I am and he still doesn't understand why. I've never been made to feel so unappealing and unattractive.

 

He is not in the best shape, not the most attractive person in the world, not my normal go-to type, but I have such a deep emotional connection to him. My past relationship was with a super physically fit guy, but I never wanted to have sex with him because of the way he made me feel.

 

I want absolutely nothing to do with him at this point because of how superficial he is and how horrible he has made me feel. I went to bed every night in something I thought he would consider sexually appealing, I support him, I'm nice, I love him, but my uneven nails or whatever it was each day, killed anything from happening.

 

Am I in the wrong? I just can't get past this feeling.

 

Well this is something completely different situation you have there. This all began when you started to be even closer to him you moved in on his territory. Now your unhappy because of his bizarre comments towards you. Lets put the not having sex aside for now. Focus on what's really going on here.

 

Comments are super-fictional and you should put a stop to that right now! No reason to allow them in the first place. Your being to nice about it. No one has the right to put you down, no one has the right to change you as for you in any appearance or how you look physically including your nails sizes. We are all human we are not perfect because of our genes makes us all who we are. So he is crossing the line there stop him now. Or walk out the door for good. Take charge of the situation. Come on GIRL stuck in your gut! Make it happen!

 

Second why in the world are you there in the first place. Did you want to get even closer to him. So he's not your typical type of guy you would deem to take so what? But you have keyed into why you are dating him because he's different than you date and he and only he you love so much. That's why you put up with all his nonsense behavior. You love him and yet you are now unhappy. You can't change this guy into something you really want to be with. You can't change his attitude your in his world now more but he doing what you don't like. Again you put up with it because you love him so much.

 

See how love takes care of everything but one thing love can't do is make us really happy at times. We have to do that part. If your not happy with even yourself right now which is sound like too me your not. Then your in a situation that you have created on your own. You two shouldn't even been together 100% 24/7 or near that even. 1 year and look at you now. Could you see yourself as his wife for 5, 10, 15 years down the road. You wouldn't even make it that far.

 

So now there isn't any sex, you think because of the way you look, and what you dress in would turn in on too you. Nope that's not working out either. So again you put up with all of this because why "you love him". But you never said does he tell you that he loves you back?

 

Do not stay with him, go back home and stay there. You do not need a man like this you shouldn't even allow this sort of man in your life. This guy isn't being honest with you. Could be someone else he's in love with or something you didn't count on. Everyone has a hidden life and he might have one also. I feel there is more to this puzzle then you haven't shared with us here.

 

What you have here is not normal in the sense. If you where depressed or even if he was then I could understand your issue better. You take care of yourself mentally, physically and emotionally. But do not let anyone tell you how to live and how to be. When you allow this you make yourself look weak and you let them be in charge of you. This is not the way to go at all.

 

Think of what you want and then do it.. Do not stay with this guy.. He is not for you. If he was for you do you think for one minute he wouldn't want to have sex with you, love you for who you are and everything else. That's the true love... Not getting it! Get the heck out now!

[Els]

Have you left him yet....? It's high time, you know.

[OatsAndHall]

Wow... Just.. Wow...

 

This guy sounds like a controlling sociopath.

[TheWoman]

Its called Coercive Control. Please look it up.

 

Perhaps some talking therapy will help you identify why you are attracted to this type of behaviour. Please be very careful, these types of relationships are so destructive.

[pidgeon1010]

There's a song you should listen to. Caribbean song. Its by an artiste called Nadia Batson. And the songs name is Manager.

 

That's what you got. Its ok for men to be particular. But this dudes on another level. He should pretty up his own nails and pleasure himself. You don't deserve that.

 

I DIED laughing at the song. OMG. ROFLMAO. So right on. That list of "can't dos" OP posted is unbelievable.

Edited March 19, 2017 by pidgeon1010

[ptrl0362]

Have you left him yet....? It's high time, you know.

He's gone. Haven't spoken to him in a week - when we had that discussion I initially posted about. No way I am going back.

 

I needed to confirm that I wasn't the crazy one here because honestly that's how I began thinking. "Oh maybe, that IS the way you are supposed to do things. Maybe I just wasn't taught properly." Even though my gut and instincts and EVERYTHING, told me "This is ridiculous." He was just so passionate, serious and adamant that his way was right and that he could not comprehend how or why anyone would WANT to do it any other way.

 

I can't begin to tell you how unappealing and unattractive he made me feel. I can't describe it and I am determined to never feel that way again! I was to nice to tell him that he isn't an Adonis.

 

I have never met anyone like this. Nice guy otherwise. Honestly. But he admitted he waited on purpose to bring this side of him out to me. I feel conned in a way.

 

Therapy on Wednesday. I'm not looking for anyone for a very long time until I understand myself a lot better.

Edited March 20, 2017 by ptrl0362

[Curiousroxy86]

I've been dating my boyfriend for about a year now and I recently began spending more time with him and sleeping over at his more often.

 

I'm 29. He is 36.

 

We haven't had sex in the past two weeks that I've been spending more time with him and sleeping at his place every night. I was not sure how to bring it up to him. It was on my mind everyday and I kept thinking, hoping, "okay today will be the day it happens." Except it didn't. I finally mustered up the courage to say something last night.

 

I have to note that he is super particular - he has commented on how I tie my shoes, how I wear my socks, how I hold my purse, he corrects my posture, and comments on whether my nails are uneven, etc. His comments are somewhat done in a nice way, but I'm sure one can understand how they can be bothersome. But it my opinion, this is taken to a ridiculous level.

 

Last night we were discussing these little things e.g. "I don't understand how a 29 year-old woman has uneven nails,"

 

I really don't know what to think of this? Honestly, I think about other things on a daily basis other than my nails and when I find the time to manicure them, I do.

 

I eat healthy, I workout 3 times a week, I shower daily and I take pride in my appearance. Although, in mind, I consider myself to be a fit, attractive, hygienic woman, he makes me second guess myself because of these issues he finds with me. But to him they are big issues. So what takes precedence here?

 

So on this topic, I hesitantly said to him verbatim: Sometimes I feel that these little issues (e.g. uneven nails, what I'm wearing, how I'm wearing it etc.) correlate with your sexual desire for me.

 

He had a long-winded response and did not directly answer me, but his response alluded to "If I don't find you visually appealing, I do not have the desire to have sex. And every guy is like this. Not just me."

 

I can't tell you how beyond hurt and offended I am and he still doesn't understand why. I've never been made to feel so unappealing and unattractive.

 

He is not in the best shape, not the most attractive person in the world, not my normal go-to type, but I have such a deep emotional connection to him. My past relationship was with a super physically fit guy, but I never wanted to have sex with him because of the way he made me feel.

 

I want absolutely nothing to do with him at this point because of how superficial he is and how horrible he has made me feel. I went to bed every night in something I thought he would consider sexually appealing, I support him, I'm nice, I love him, but my uneven nails or whatever it was each day, killed anything from happening.

 

Am I in the wrong? I just can't get past this feeling.

Oh hell no let him go

[Curiousroxy86]

He's gone. Haven't spoken to him in a week - when we had that discussion I initially posted about. No way I am going back.

 

I needed to confirm that I wasn't the crazy one here because honestly that's how I began thinking. "Oh maybe, that IS the way you are supposed to do things. Maybe I just wasn't taught properly." Even though my gut and instincts and EVERYTHING, told me "This is ridiculous." He was just so passionate, serious and adamant that his way was right and that he could not comprehend how or why anyone would WANT to do it any other way.

 

I can't begin to tell you how unappealing and unattractive he made me feel. I can't describe it and I am determined to never feel that way again! I was to nice to tell him that he isn't an Adonis.

 

I have never met anyone like this. Nice guy otherwise. Honestly. But he admitted he waited on purpose to bring this side of him out to me. I feel conned in a way.

 

Therapy on Wednesday. I'm not looking for anyone for a very long time until I understand myself a lot better.

Don't let what a man says or does make you feel bad about yourself. Love yourself flaws and all. It's ok if you have flaws that you want to change about yourself. But you have to accept that today they are here along with any flaws you can't change or don't want to change. Your great. Not better than anyone but you are great dagnabit! Any man that doesn't agree, then agree to disagree, and send them on their merry way and focus on men who do agree. Good luck!

[ExpatInItaly]

Good for you for getting rid of him, OP. He's a nutjob.

 

And forgive me, but I question how you could even still have desired sex with a man like that. I would have dried up faster than the Sahara.

[ptrl0362]

Good for you for getting rid of him, OP. He's a nutjob.

 

And forgive me, but I question how you could even still have desired sex with a man like that. I would have dried up faster than the Sahara.

Your comment really made me LOL & question myself. "Yeah, why did I desire him?"

 

And I think honestly the answer is, I craved his approval and attention. I guess I was subconsciously trained - well-maintained = I'm desired = sex.

 

Unhealthy mind. Working on that.

Edited March 20, 2017 by ptrl0362

[Miss Peach]

OP - For me, I didn't understand the basics of self respect and boundaries so I let myself slide into codependency. It's good to understand the common themes to look out for but don't spend too much trying to diagnose him. Focus on you in therapy.

 

Another thing I wanted to mention were the following readings.

 

These were really helpful to me:

The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans

Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft

Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl by Natalie Lue (she also has a blog with hundreds of free articles on boundaries, getting past poor treatment, self esteem, etc. called Baggage Reclaim). This is the first time I really understood boundaries and self esteem.

 

This one didn't help me but I know a lot of people in a similar situation also liked the book Codependency No More.

[neowulf]

He's gone. Haven't spoken to him in a week - when we had that discussion I initially posted about. No way I am going back.

 

...

 

Therapy on Wednesday. I'm not looking for anyone for a very long time until I understand myself a lot better.

 

Can't tell you how happy I am to hear the news OP. So many times in this forum, we see people refuse to acknowledge the issue watch on in horror as they're dismantled and abused.

 

Good on you for having the courage and self respect to kick this loser to the curve. All the best for the future!

[ptrl0362]

So after that day where he essentially told me he wasn't having sex with me because I wasn't visually appealing enough, I lost it on him and ended the relationship because 1) I like to think I'm attractive (said in the most modest way possible) 2) he's not an Adonis 3) I can't be with someone who is so superficial.

 

I went total cold turkey and we didn't talk for 2 months.

 

Recently, we reconnected and we had a lengthy discussion about that night. I was hoping I misunderstood him and he was hoping he misunderstood me. Wow, were we both wrong. He stands by the belief that a woman should do everything possible to be as attractive as possible to her partner and the latest element of improvement on my part - forearm hair. (?????????!!!!!!!!!!)

 

I know that's a preference for some women and for some men. And I really believe in to each their own. My forearms are not remotely hairy and actually turn blonde in the sun, so it never once crossed my mind to wax them. But according to him, it will make me more attractive and in turn make him more attracted to me. But I should not only do it for him, but for myself. And he is really set in the belief that waxing your forearms, legs, and bikini, manicured nails, non-frizzy hair, non-chipped nail polish is the minimum standard a woman should attain and that EVERY man thinks the same way!

 

I can't tell you how angry I get when I hear things like this. There is no convincing him otherwise. I said I understand that you view this as your norm, but it is really just a personal preference. And he scoffs and does not agree with that fact that this is a mere preference, but rather how he feels most people are.

 

I just hate the way it makes me think and feel - Is he right in this belief? Have I been out of the dating pool for so long that I have to be at the peak of maintenance? What were his past girlfriends like - they must've been fairly prim and proper?! Will men turn me away if my forearms aren't waxed? Like what the F!!!!

 

But then my mind stops me from thinking that way because although I have my own minimum standard, I care a lot more about WHO a person is vs what they look like.

 

It's just so sad that he thinks like this and is trying to project that onto his romantic partner. Am I right?!

Edited May 4, 2017 by ptrl0362

[Gaeta]

And he is really set in the belief that waxing your forearms, legs, and bikini, manicured nails, non-frizzy hair, non-chipped nail polish is the minimum standard a woman should attain and that EVERY man is the same way!

 

Set him loose and be someone elses problem. Life if tough! who needs that type of jerk waiting for you at home! If he wants a woman that is always squeaky shaved and manicured he can go get himself a bimbo that works part time and has time to maintain all that just to please his mood.

 

Right now my legs are 3 days unshaven and feel like a growing beard and my toe manicure is half chipped. When I get home tonight my bf will jump all over me still. If you saw the list of everything I have to do in a day an in a week you'll know why manicure is at the bottom of my list. And waxing forearms?? Look, tell him to get a blow up doll.

[elaine567]

My past relationship was with a super physically fit guy

Was he worried about your forearms?

 

He is not in the best shape, not the most attractive person in the world, not my normal go-to type,.

And he is worried about your forearms????

Run

The man is unhinged.

[GemmaUK]

I hope you see the humour in this because his thing about forearms is utterly ridiculous!!!

I epilate mine on occasion - I have barely any hair and what is there is blonde - then it gets lighter in the sun and shimmers so much - I epilate sometimes.

 

I went on a first meet recently.

All my pics show my naturally curly hair (It's in very good nick and not frizzy) - botticelli type curls (loose ringlets)) but he said to me part way through 'you should watch Millionaire Matchmaker - you got tonight so wrong!!!'

 

I asked what he was on about and apparently Millionaire MM is no no for curls and tells every woman to straighten their hair. This guy said he felt 'let down' that I had not made an effort - WTF!!

 

No way on earth would I use heat gadgets on my hair and wreck it - and certainly not for a man!!