Very Hurt - Asked BF Why Sex Is Lacking

[Simple Logic]

I've been dating my boyfriend for about a year now and I recently began spending more time with him and sleeping over at his more often.

 

I'm 29. He is 36.

 

We haven't had sex in the past two weeks that I've been spending more time with him and sleeping at his place every night. I was not sure how to bring it up to him. It was on my mind everyday and I kept thinking, hoping, "okay today will be the day it happens." Except it didn't. I finally mustered up the courage to say something last night.

 

I have to note that he is super particular - he has commented on how I tie my shoes, how I wear my socks, how I hold my purse, he corrects my posture, and comments on whether my nails are uneven, etc. His comments are somewhat done in a nice way, but I'm sure one can understand how they can be bothersome. But it my opinion, this is taken to a ridiculous level.

 

Last night we were discussing these little things e.g. "I don't understand how a 29 year-old woman has uneven nails,"

 

I really don't know what to think of this? Honestly, I think about other things on a daily basis other than my nails and when I find the time to manicure them, I do.

 

I eat healthy, I workout 3 times a week, I shower daily and I take pride in my appearance. Although, in mind, I consider myself to be a fit, attractive, hygienic woman, he makes me second guess myself because of these issues he finds with me. But to him they are big issues. So what takes precedence here?

 

So on this topic, I hesitantly said to him verbatim: Sometimes I feel that these little issues (e.g. uneven nails, what I'm wearing, how I'm wearing it etc.) correlate with your sexual desire for me.

 

He had a long-winded response and did not directly answer me, but his response alluded to "If I don't find you visually appealing, I do not have the desire to have sex. And every guy is like this. Not just me."

 

I can't tell you how beyond hurt and offended I am and he still doesn't understand why. I've never been made to feel so unappealing and unattractive.

 

He is not in the best shape, not the most attractive person in the world, not my normal go-to type, but I have such a deep emotional connection to him. My past relationship was with a super physically fit guy, but I never wanted to have sex with him because of the way he made me feel.

 

I want absolutely nothing to do with him at this point because of how superficial he is and how horrible he has made me feel. I went to bed every night in something I thought he would consider sexually appealing, I support him, I'm nice, I love him, but my uneven nails or whatever it was each day, killed anything from happening.

 

Am I in the wrong? I just can't get past this feeling.

 

I am not a mental health professional, but you BF clearly has some mental disorders that you are going to suffer from if you remain with him.

[CaliforniaGirl]

Uneven fingernails?? Are you kidding me???

 

 

I know. LOL.

 

Anyone else getting a strong Mr. D'arcy vibe here?

 

I mean darling REALLY. The fingernails. MUST you touch me with those? (sniff) Once you're presentable...THEN I'll take your hand for the dance. And not a moment before!

 

No sex because the fingernails aren't even enough???? Come on now.

 

http://i.imgur.com/4hg84r8.png

 

I just don't think it's the nails, OP. If it is...then it's for SURE you'll never satisfy him. Because in that case you really are lacking something...I'll let you figure out what that one thing is.

 

He has issues...move on.

[Miss Spider]

sounds like OCD

[bluefeather]

Sounds like he has a serious ego issue. Good for you for standing up for yourself.

[d0nnivain]

@d0nnivain I didn't have the same "connection" in the past relationship as I do with this one. But yes, the past one was definitely controlling and emotionally abusive and I did not think this one was until now. Not sure why I seem to be attracting the controlling type.

 

 

 

Shizzle84 made the comments about your 1st BF not me.

 

 

That said, I think you may be mixing up confident & controlling. You think a guy who is controlling is confident when in fact he's insecure, which is why he has to micromanage & gaslight. All men do not do anything except breath, void & have Y chromosomes. There are no universals. A confident man likes women who go off & independently do their own things because he knows his own value & that he's worth a woman's time; similar he dates women who know themselves because he values quality. Any guy who tries to tell you what to do all the time & nitpicks about your appearance is to be ignored.

[elaine567]

He believes we should grow together in this respect

i.e. essentially be one person, look and present ourselves the same way and do everything together.

 

What on earth is that all about?

[ptrl0362]

@elaine567 Ha. That's what I said.

 

He says this visual presentation....looking pristine, is how we present ourselves to the world as a COUPLE. We should be in sync in this way. He views a couple as ONE entity rather than two separate people coming together.

 

My argument is that we are individuals. We grew up differently, we were raised differently and therefore will look and do things differently and that I should not mould to his way of doing things and vise versa.

[RecentChange]

That's pretty strange. So does he think he can pick out your outfits? So ya know, he makes sure you are presentable?

 

Has he been married or had a long term relationship before?

 

I am wondering if he ever found a woman that would put up with this BS.

[BaileyB]

That's pretty strange. So does he think he can pick out your outfits? So ya know, he makes sure you are presentable?

 

Has he been married or had a long term relationship before?

 

I am wondering if he ever found a woman that would put up with this BS.

 

So true.

 

This reminds me of the movie Sleeping with the Enemy, when all the soup can labels had to be turned the same way and the towels had to aligned. It's controlling and creepy.

 

Seriously, this guy has some very strange ideas about relationships. It is his way or the highway, and over time he will belittle and beat you down... I can't imagine staying with such a controlling man. Life would just not be any fun...

[CaliforniaGirl]

This is only getting creepier.

 

OP, please run.

[ptrl0362]

Yeah, he has been in a few long-term relationships: Two separate ones for 2 years and one for 5 years and I've asked him the same thing! He says these things have always been issues for him and he doesn't understand why people would do things any differently. There are so many other things:

 

1) After brushing teeth, don't wipe off remaining toothpaste with towel

2) Make sure your shoes are always clean

3) Don't pull underwear or jeans above my pelvic bone

4) Don't bend one leg and put it under your bum when eating at the table at HOME....

 

And I honestly question myself: I wonder if I am worse than his other relationships? Do I require more "correcting"? Why don't I do these things in this way? Have I been doing things wrong my whole life? He is honestly, seriously convinced that his way is the only possible way of doing things, because why would anyone want to do anything differently?

 

This has been an ongoing discussion for some time, because I've never met anyone like this. I definitely bring up these issues and he has tried to decrease his comments because he genuinely does not want to hurt me. But I still feel the passive judgement. E.g. this past weekend we went skiing and I told him I was not planning on wearing my ski pants on the drive up and so he told me that so we don't have to take 2 pairs of boots on the trip with us, he suggested I wear a specific pair. But I know him well enough to know that he suggested one pair over the other, because he prefers how one looks on me vs the other in leggings vs ski pants (which he admitted to later). It really messes with my mind! He admits that he wants his eye to be pleased.

 

My past relationship had very similar qualities, but not to this level.

Edited March 14, 2017 by ptrl0362

[RecentChange]

What the F lady!? Why did you accept this for a moment!?!

 

He is a nut bag, and trying to control you. What's next? You breathe the wrong way?

 

Get away from him before he totally ruins you.

 

Get some counseling so you can understand why you persue these unhealthy relationships and can stop the pattern.

[bluefeather]

Oh no. I guess I just assumed that you were ending this relationship. The guy sounds controlling to an extreme level, and I strongly suggest, as RecentChange did, that you also seek counseling, especially if you have already experienced something similar, which could mean that you are developing a pattern of seeking that kind of behavior.

[Zahara]

This is not about him anymore. Seeing that your past relationship had similar characteristics, even though not as bad as this, the focus is now on you. Time to figure out why you stay in such relationships. He may have his issues but it also says something about you accepting tolerating and accepting such behavior for this long.

[goldway90]

I'm just gonna put this here, it's a short excerpt from the book ""Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men." by Lundy Bancroft about trauma bonding it's worth reading, an eye opening book.

 

Almost no abuser is mean or frightening all the time. At least occasionally, he is loving, gentle, and humorous and perhaps even capable of compassion and empathy. This intermittent, and usually unpredictable, kindness is critical to forming traumatic attachments. When a person, male or female, has suffered harsh, painful treatment over an extended period of time, he or she naturally feels a flood of love and gratitude toward anyone who brings relief, like the surge of affection one might feel for the hand that offers a glass of water on a scorching day. But in situations of abuse, the rescuer and the tormentor are the very same person. When a man stops screaming at his partner and calling her a "useless piece of *(%@" and instead offers to take her on a vacation, the typical emotional response is to feel grateful to him. When he keeps her awake badgering her for sex in the middle of the night and then finally quiets down and allows her to get some of the sleep that she so desperately craves, she feels a soothing peace from the relief of being left alone.

 

Your abusive partner's cycles of moving in and out of periods of cruelty can cause you to feel very close to him during those times when he is finally kind and loving. You can end up feeling that the nightmare of his abusiveness is an experience the two of you have shared and are escaping from together, a dangerous illusion that trauma can cause. I commonly hear an abused woman say about her partner, 'He really knows me,' or 'No one understands me the way he does.' This may be true, but the reason he seems to undersand you well is that he has studied ways to manipulate your emotions and control your reactions. At times he may seem to grasp how badly he has hurt you, which can make you feel close to him, but it's another illusion; if he could really be empathetic about the pain he has caused, he would stop abusing you for good."

 

OP you need to RUN as fast as you can, you must get away from this man right now. Seek professional help too.

[Miss Peach]

OP I highly recommend you read the book 'The Verbally Abusive Relationship'. I think you'll notice a lot of similarities. Even if it's not 'abuse' it does sound controlling and something that would be hard to deal with long-term.

 

This isn't normal IME. My BF and most of my guy friends couldn't tell you if I was wearing nail polish let alone notice my nails being uneven. IME most men just don't notice the details. They can tell it looks nice but not why.

[Sunfire73]

Wow, that is so dysfunctional. My now bf would have sex with me anytime as long as i'm with him, even when i just got home from work, from a workout, from about anything. He tries to stop his urges.

 

So that is unacceptable. You need to leave and find someone who finds you attractive all the time.

[BaileyB]

OP, I just wanted to say in response to your last post that there is nothing about you that needs correcting. You are a human being, entitled to your own thoughts, opinions, and preferences.

 

Just because he has a specific way of doing things, doesn't mean that it is "right." It is simply, his way of doing something. For this man to try to impose "his way" on you in this way, is not respectful to the beautifully unique person that you are!

 

And really, these are the little things... Does it really matter if you use the towel to wipe off the toothpaste or bend one leg under your knee while sitting to eat at home. I mean really, does any of this really matter in life? Does it bring any kind of happiness or joy?

 

There must be some kind of anxiety to require a person to want to control the smallest things in this way. And I often think it must be very difficult to get through life when someone is so inflexible. I would suggest, one of the key things for good mental health is flexibility.

[Whodatdog]

I honestly dont know whats weirder, your boyfriend acting so controlling, or you choosing to stay with him.

[GoldSparkz]

I honestly dont know whats weirder, your boyfriend acting so controlling, or you choosing to stay with him.

 

Some women like to be controlled. This sounds like one of those "Taken in hand" male dominated relationships. However, this type of relationship requires trust, support and calmness from both parties. This guy sounds more like a narcissist as he is constantly '****ting on you' and you are allowing him to get away with it. You are reinforcing his 'god-like' status every day you stay with him. Everything he does in the relationship is for his benefit, not yours.

 

No one deserves to be treated like this. I had an ex like this, and I ended up with self-esteem issues. Walk away now while you have your sanity.

[FoundLove]

Love should be unconditional. And this guy will never love you (or any other woman for that matter) unconditionally.

Please run.

[GemmaUK]

You need to get away from this guy and fast!

 

He reminds me of an ex of mine.

This ex had all these things where he would start out by saying 'I have a bone to pick with you' and just about every couple of days he would come out with utterly ridiculous things - so ridiculous that I thought he was joking.

 

Just drumming a few up:

 

He didn't want me to see my brother who was visiting as he realised that I would be busier and therefore have less time to text/call. I hadn't seen my brother in 10 years and my bro, sis in law and niece are my only family.

 

I wasn't 'allowed' to wear earrings at work as it was inappropriate - he came up with all kinds of things over this one - the earring would hit against a phone handset was one of them and it wouldn't sound professional so I was likely to lose my job - I did explain that all was fine as for one I barely get phone calls in the work I do, when I do get a call it's internal but also I use earbuds - so there is no phone handset.

Never the less he insisted it was inappropriate to wear earrings at work - then later it was not appropriate to wear earrings unless I was with him.

 

At Christmas he informed me that I needed to tell him where I was going when I got up and left the living room - this was when I was going to the toilet or going back to the buffet which was in the dining room. I was in my early forties and not about to have to pretty much ask permission to leave the room in front of his family members including two young boys who didn't need to state where they were going.

 

I wasn't allowed to have any issues when he poked me in the ribs with his fingertips to stop me walking away from him - eg - when I was carrying two hot coffees that I had made and was about to put them down.

 

I wasn't allowed to switch my mobile off for a fast charge prior to getting on a train when I was going up to see him. I explained that I wouldn't be texting him anyway as in the brief hour I had between leaving work and getting to the destination I would be doing the last bits of my packing. The train journey was 6-8 hours alone and I wanted to make sure I had full charge.

 

He told me that I needed to get a different set of clothes to wear for when he wasn't with me - and wearing skinny jeans/jeggings/leggings (not tights but leggings) were inappropriate to wear without a skirt over the top of them - not even a long top was appropriate.

 

I wasn't allowed to step away to fetch cutlery or salt and pepper when out at lunch - when they were just 2 ft away without asking his permission to leave the table.

 

All hobbies, friendships and housework (or any looking after myself) had to stop as he told me that my time outside of work should be his time. He told me he was inconsiderate of any time I needed to clean my house as he had never looked after a house - so that was that in his view. Oh and I couldn't watch TV either - this was not allowed as it again was my 'free' time so I should be on the phone to him.

 

These are just a handful of things - after I ended it (four attempts later) I wrote a list of about half of the little rules he had for me - the list only went as far as 3 months into dating him and that partial list came to 70 different rules.

I thought they were all ridiculous so never did any of the things he wanted - I think that just made him come up with more rules to be honest.

 

Your guy's rules are equally as daft. Don't question yourself over that at all.

He is controlling and this abuse will only get worse.

 

The best thing for you to do from here is to recognise any weird signs with anyone new once you start dating again and just end things as soon as they happen - in other words listen to your gut and ACT upon it quickly.

 

I admit that I was incredibly busy with work through the time I dated him, any of the times I tried to end it were more hassle for me that these endless rules and because I didn't give in to any of his crap I was almost fascinated with whatever he was going to come out with next!

I've never met anyone like him before, a few with some traits similar to his since but I spotted those traits so therefore never agree to any further dates and also never explain why - I'll just say I'm not feeling it/not interested.

[elaine567]

There are so many other things:

 

1) After brushing teeth, don't wipe off remaining toothpaste with towel

2) Make sure your shoes are always clean

3) Don't pull underwear or jeans above my pelvic bone

4) Don't bend one leg and put it under your bum when eating at the table at HOME....

 

...But I still feel the passive judgement. E.g. this past weekend we went skiing and I told him I was not planning on wearing my ski pants on the drive up and so he told me that so we don't have to take 2 pairs of boots on the trip with us, he suggested I wear a specific pair. But I know him well enough to know that he suggested one pair over the other, because he prefers how one looks on me vs the other in leggings vs ski pants (which he admitted to later). It really messes with my mind! He admits that he wants his eye to be pleased.

 

 

Ok so what are the repercussions for say you took the two pairs of boots with you, and wore the "wrong" pair with your leggings, or what happens if you pull your jeans up, or what happens if you wipe your toothpaste on the towel?

If you never ever rock the boat now, what happened in the past when you did those things?

Why does he have so much power over you?

[CaliforniaGirl]

Ok so what are the repercussions for say you took the two pairs of boots with you, and wore the "wrong" pair with your leggings, or what happens if you pull your jeans up, or what happens if you wipe your toothpaste on the towel?

If you never ever rock the boat now, what happened in the past when you did those things?

Why does he have so much power over you?

 

Right...this is the thing. It isn't the specifics that bother him. In fact, the specifics he's pointing out probably don't bother him at all. He's simply finding "problems" in order to keep you under control, OP.

 

He's training you like a dog, using intermittent reinforcement. He keeps you afraid of the "punishment" of his displeasure which could come out of nowhere in order to keep you on your toes and keep your eyes constantly on him. Because you don't know what he'll disapprove of next, you are always looking to him for approval or disapproval. This way he's the Big King.

 

I remember when I had a dog years ago, and she was hard to train. So I was looking into various training methods. I saw one where the dog wears a choke collar and the owner takes the dog for a walk and then just suddenly, without saying anything to the dog, starts walking the other way. The choke collar tightens,t he dog doesn't like it so she jerks over to the owner's random direction. Eventually, the dog will CONSTANTLY WATCH the owner. Just constantly. The owner could walk off a cliff and so would the dog. The owner can stop dead in the middle of the street and so will the dog. "Good girl!"

 

That's you.

 

Get out of there.

[Miss Peach]

You need to get away from this guy and fast!

 

He reminds me of an ex of mine.

This ex had all these things where he would start out by saying 'I have a bone to pick with you' and just about every couple of days he would come out with utterly ridiculous things - so ridiculous that I thought he was joking.

 

Just drumming a few up:

 

He didn't want me to see my brother who was visiting as he realised that I would be busier and therefore have less time to text/call. I hadn't seen my brother in 10 years and my bro, sis in law and niece are my only family.

 

I wasn't 'allowed' to wear earrings at work as it was inappropriate - he came up with all kinds of things over this one - the earring would hit against a phone handset was one of them and it wouldn't sound professional so I was likely to lose my job - I did explain that all was fine as for one I barely get phone calls in the work I do, when I do get a call it's internal but also I use earbuds - so there is no phone handset.

Never the less he insisted it was inappropriate to wear earrings at work - then later it was not appropriate to wear earrings unless I was with him.

 

He told me that I needed to get a different set of clothes to wear for when he wasn't with me - and wearing skinny jeans/jeggings/leggings (not tights but leggings) were inappropriate to wear without a skirt over the top of them - not even a long top was appropriate.

 

 

This brought back memories. My XH had very similar rules. A lot of the rules didn't come out until after we were married. This was a large part of why I left him.

 

One of mine was that I couldn't wear open cardigans over other things like tanks or dresses. He also didn't want me wearing skirts or dresses to work. I also wasn't allowed to have friends - even with women. I also wasn't allowed to ask coworkers personal questions like where they came from.