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Very Hurt - Asked BF Why Sex Is Lacking

ptrl0362

By ptrl0362
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ptrl0362 Member

ptrl0362

Posted
Posted (edited)

I've been dating my boyfriend for about a year now and I recently began spending more time with him and sleeping over at his more often.

 

I'm 29. He is 36.

 

We haven't had sex in the past two weeks that I've been spending more time with him and sleeping at his place every night. I was not sure how to bring it up to him. It was on my mind everyday and I kept thinking, hoping, "okay today will be the day it happens." Except it didn't. I finally mustered up the courage to say something last night.

 

I have to note that he is super particular - he has commented on how I tie my shoes, how I wear my socks, how I hold my purse, he corrects my posture, and comments on whether my nails are uneven, etc. His comments are somewhat done in a nice way, but I'm sure one can understand how they can be bothersome. But it my opinion, this is taken to a ridiculous level.

 

Last night we were discussing these little things e.g. "I don't understand how a 29 year-old woman has uneven nails,"

 

I really don't know what to think of this? Honestly, I think about other things on a daily basis other than my nails and when I find the time to manicure them, I do.

 

I eat healthy, I workout 3 times a week, I shower daily and I take pride in my appearance. Although, in mind, I consider myself to be a fit, attractive, hygienic woman, he makes me second guess myself because of these issues he finds with me. But to him they are big issues. So what takes precedence here?

 

So on this topic, I hesitantly said to him verbatim: Sometimes I feel that these little issues (e.g. uneven nails, what I'm wearing, how I'm wearing it etc.) correlate with your sexual desire for me.

 

He had a long-winded response and did not directly answer me, but his response alluded to "If I don't find you visually appealing, I do not have the desire to have sex. And every guy is like this. Not just me."

 

I can't tell you how beyond hurt and offended I am and he still doesn't understand why. I've never been made to feel so unappealing and unattractive.

 

He is not in the best shape, not the most attractive person in the world, not my normal go-to type, but I have such a deep emotional connection to him. My past relationship was with a super physically fit guy, but I never wanted to have sex with him because of the way he made me feel.

 

I want absolutely nothing to do with him at this point because of how superficial he is and how horrible he has made me feel. I went to bed every night in something I thought he would consider sexually appealing, I support him, I'm nice, I love him, but my uneven nails or whatever it was each day, killed anything from happening.

 

Am I in the wrong? I just can't get past this feeling.

Edited by ptrl0362
  • Like 2
d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

Posted
Posted

The only thing you are doing wrong is continuing to date him. I can't imagine a man who wouldn't have sex with a woman based on her manicure, or lack there of. Dirty fingernails, maybe but uneven ones. I doubt most men notice.

 

 

I'm sorry you are hurting but I hope this is the impetus for you to make positive changes in your life like getting a sane, kind BF.

  • Like 28
shizzle_84 Established Member

shizzle_84

Posted
Posted

If I can put my 2 cents worth, if it helps?

 

Briefly reading what you said about the first boyfriend and this current one - it looks like you're attracted to abusive relationship. If this is true, the danger is that you become comfortable relating in that way for the sake of that "connection".

 

Am I even close?

  • Like 4
Zahara Established Member

Zahara

Posted
Posted (edited)

I eat healthy, I workout 3 times a week, I shower daily and I take pride in my appearance. Although, in mind, I consider myself to be a fit, attractive, hygienic woman, he makes me second guess myself because of these issues he finds with me. But to him they are big issues. So what takes precedence here?

 

You're working on the external but internally your self-esteem is shot and continuing to be with this man is indicative of where you are in terms of your self worth.

 

He had a long-winded response and did not directly answer me, but his response alluded to "If I don't find you visually appealing, I do not have the desire to have sex. And every guy is like this. Not just me."

 

No, every guy is not like him. And you know this. This is called gaslighting. He is manipulating you into questioning your own sanity.

 

Get yourself away from him. This is not love. This is control.

Edited by Zahara
  • Like 21
Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

Posted
Posted

"If I don't find you visually appealing, I do not have the desire to have sex. And every guy is like this. Not just me."

 

 

Just WOW.

 

What ever connection we have would have died right there.

 

That being said I don't think I would have endured all his little comments before that event. With everything we need to do in a day who wants to go home and be criticized about their nail and whatnot.

  • Like 11
elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

Posted
Posted

Well now we all know why he is single at 36.

  • Like 11
goldway90 Established Member

goldway90

Posted
Posted
I have to note that he is super particular - he has commented on how I tie my shoes, how I wear my socks, how I hold my purse, he corrects my posture, and comments on whether my nails are uneven, etc. His comments are somewhat done in a nice way, but I'm sure one can understand how they can be bothersome. But it my opinion, this is taken to a ridiculous level.

 

Controling man, red flag number 1

 

"I don't understand how a 29 year-old woman has uneven nails,"

 

Criticism and putting you down, red flag number 2

 

"If I don't find you visually appealing, I do not have the desire to have sex. And every guy is like this. Not just me."

 

Again he's putting you down, red flag number 3

 

This guy is emotionally abusive and like other posters said you need to RUN away from him right now.

Please get a book called " Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft it will help you understand and also move on from this guy.

  • Like 14
RecentChange Established Member

RecentChange

Posted
Posted

No, he isn't like all men.

 

Most men do not lose their sex drive over a manicure.

 

Most men do not belittle, neg, and put down the woman they supposedly love.

 

His rejection of you is a total gut punch.

 

He is a jerk who is tearing you down. Quit ALLOWING him to.

  • Like 14
elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

Posted
Posted

This is abuse.

His "nice" way of putting you down all the time and making you feel anxious and concerned about your appearance is how he makes himself feel better.

I guess he is projecting how bad he thinks he looks onto you.

 

He wants you to feel as bad as he does about himself.

He is projecting his own body image issues onto you.

 

YOU may have been dating a year but this is over.

He has told you he doesn't find you physically attractive any longer, you can't do anything about that apart from leave.

As nothing has changed your side, then this is all on him.

Leave and don't look back, he sounds a bit weird anyway...

  • Like 7
preraph Established Member

preraph

Posted
Posted

I'm sorry it took awhile to get to know the real man, but that's what dating is for. Now you know he's a critical shallow mess. Just dump him. You can't fix basic disrespect of women.

  • Like 2
Art_Critic Established Member

Art_Critic

Posted
Posted

I think he is trying to get you to break up with him, give him what he wants....

  • Like 2
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ptrl0362 Member

ptrl0362

Posted
  • Author
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@d0nnivain I didn't have the same "connection" in the past relationship as I do with this one. But yes, the past one was definitely controlling and emotionally abusive and I did not think this one was until now. Not sure why I seem to be attracting the controlling type.

goldway90 Established Member

goldway90

Posted
Posted
@d0nnivain I didn't have the same "connection" in the past relationship as I do with this one. But yes, the past one was definitely controlling and emotionally abusive and I did not think this one was until now. Not sure why I seem to be attracting the controlling type.

 

The connection or the feeling like he understands you better than anyone is called "Trauma bonding". Check it out it will open your mind about a lot of things.

  • Like 4
RecentChange Established Member

RecentChange

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Posted

I just realized that this is a relationship born out of an affair.....

 

Rarely do these result in stable healthy relationships. Affair fog can make you blind to all sorts of things that you would have picked up on in a normal setting.

 

Sounds like this went from the pan to the fire.

  • Like 3
doheryourway New Member

doheryourway

Posted
Posted (edited)

Although, in my opinion, men must dominate over women during sex, in everyday situations the relationships must be mutually respectful and not emotionally abusive.

 

Nowadays we quite often can see this paradox, that men are demanding from their girlfriends supernatural qualities, while at the same time the men themselves look rather bad and don’t take care of their own appearance.

 

One of the reasons could be that in their childhood they were pampered and raised mostly by their mothers, who done everything they could to make their little sons happy.

And when these sons grew up, they already had deep belief in them that they can do nothing, and ask for everything. And that it will be instantly served.

 

The other reason could be that he has a low self-esteem and he unconsciously needs perfect girl beside him, to make him look better. And this is why he is very concerned about your appearance, but doesn’t have sex with you. He wants you to look good for the eyes of others, not for his own.

 

You have to stand up for yourself and teach him a lesson. If he demands something from you or shows his dissatisfaction about your appearance or behavior, then you instantly have to do the same. And as I understand correctly, you have a lot more things to be dissatisfied in him than he in you.

 

Don’t be afraid of conflict, because this is the only way, which can help him to open his eyes. And if he will be wise enough and if you are really important to him, he will change his attitude.

 

But if he is a dumb a**hole, he won’t change a bit and will start to blame you in the all problems of the world. In that case, just dump him and don’t look back.

 

If you will passively accept his current attitude towards you, nothing will change and you will be constantly unhappy.

Edited by doheryourway
  • Like 3
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ptrl0362 Member

ptrl0362

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Thank you for your responses. All very much appreciated.

 

@doheryourway He is very particular with his appearance as well. Extremely so. So he does practice what he preaches.

 

The difference with me is I don't focus on his outwardly appearance to the degree that he does with mine. Yes, I appreciate hygiene and that someone cares about what they look like, but that most definitely comes secondary to how I feel about the person. Looks will fade, heart & soul is forever.

 

I have nothing to correct him on appearance-wise, because I'm not that shallow and I would never want to hurt his feelings. He is balding and short, but I do not in any way think about those things as repellents.

  • Like 1
elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

Posted
Posted
@d0nnivain I didn't have the same "connection" in the past relationship as I do with this one. But yes, the past one was definitely controlling and emotionally abusive and I did not think this one was until now. Not sure why I seem to be attracting the controlling type.

 

You are probably a people pleaser.

 

Also controllers are always on the look out for people they can control. They prey on the weak and vulnerable. If you were in a weak and vulnerable position when he found you, you were perfect for him.

You clung on to what you saw as strength, he saw a weak individual who he could manipulate.

  • Like 3
stillafool Established Member

stillafool

Posted
Posted
My past relationship was with a super physically fit guy, but I never wanted to have sex with him because of the way he made me feel. [/QUOTE]

 

Well I certainly don't understand why you would want sex with this one either as he is emotionally abusive also. Hopefully you will see this soon. You will never be able to make him happy.

  • Like 7
goldway90 Established Member

goldway90

Posted
Posted

Don’t be afraid of conflict, because this is the only way, which can help him to open his eyes. And if he will be wise enough and if you are really important to him, he will change his attitude.

 

I have a bad news for you, He will never change no matter what. He doesn't care about her, all he want is to CONTROL her. The only way to open his eyes is if get help which he'll never do because him mind is wired differently, and he thinks what he's doing is totally fine.

  • Like 5
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ptrl0362 Member

ptrl0362

Posted
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@elaine567 definitely a people pleaser. Focusing on bridging away from that this year.

 

My family has told me the same thing...that I was manipulated. It is hard for me to believe because I like to think I have a mind of my own and that I am strong-minded.

 

But last night was way too much for me, I told him I will not subject myself to this and that we are not right for each other. He is trying to convince me that I misunderstood him, but I know how he has made me feel and it's not fun in the slightest. And it will happen again because this is who he is at a very deep level. He believes we should grow together in this respect i.e. essentially be one person, look and present ourselves the same way and do everything together. I have neither the patience nor tolerance for it at this point.

  • Like 9
RecentChange Established Member

RecentChange

Posted
Posted

Well good for you for standing up.

 

No one should tell you how you feel. Honestly I have NEVER had a man make comments like he has. Never ever. And I wouldn't tollerate it if they did. Neither should you.

 

Perhaps your family is right, that he successfully manipulated you - and you have the power to bring that to an end.

  • Like 3
CaliforniaGirl Established Member

CaliforniaGirl

Posted
Posted

Either he is that pristine, or he is searching for reasons that he is unable to get/stay erect.

  • Like 1
goldway90 Established Member

goldway90

Posted
Posted
@elaine567 definitely a people pleaser. Focusing on bridging away from that this year.

 

My family has told me the same thing...that I was manipulated. It is hard for me to believe because I like to think I have a mind of my own and that I am strong-minded.

 

But last night was way too much for me, I told him I will not subject myself to this and that we are not right for each other. He is trying to convince me that I misunderstood him, but I know how he has made me feel and it's not fun in the slightest. And it will happen again because this is who he is at a very deep level. He believes we should grow together in this respect i.e. essentially be one person, look and present ourselves the same way and do everything together. I have neither the patience nor tolerance for it at this point.

 

Don't fall for it, the cycle of abuse is like this " Sweetness then abuse followed by sweetness then again abuse...." This why women stay in relationship because the man is sweet a lot of time. It's manipulative tactic to keep you hooked and never leave.

 

Another amazing book is called "The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships" by Patrick Carnes.

  • Like 3
elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

Posted
Posted

Withholding sex can sometimes be an abusive ploy too.

He takes it away, he gives it back on his terms, he thus controls the sex and you.

 

 

Two other things to consider.

Porn and cheating.

  • Like 3
Whodatdog Established Member

Whodatdog

Posted
Posted

Uneven fingernails?? Are you kidding me???

 

There is absolutely nothing you can do to make him happy and want to have sex with you. And you shouldnt have to.

 

You should be able to wake up in the morning and go to breakfast with a holey tee shirt on, hair all messed up, 2 different colored socks on, and have your boyfriend grab you and drag you back to the bedroom for some fun morning activities, because he thinks youre sexy as all get out.

 

Get rid of the bum.

  • Like 6
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