I got rejected on the second date for being "too formal."

[OatsAndHall]

Talking about previous dating experiences is generally a red flag for me, at least if it's in a serious tone. A date and I have had a good laugh when comparing the crazy crap we've run across with the OLD scene and it's just light conversation. But, I have met a few gals who have mentioned that their luck with OLD has been bad, I can relate and I have still gone out on a date with them.

 

Outside of all of the rest of the crazy bullsh-t, I would be put off if a woman made a strange comment about how I dress straight off the bat. In my mind, that shows me that they're either a) not very mature with the dating process or b) shallow.

 

But, this is also why I would always where jeans and a polo or a collared sweater on a first date. Two women made comments about the jeans during the date and I wrote them off. We're having coffee, not attending a debutante ball.

[TheBathWater]

I don't know if anyone else had this impression, but when I read the OP's post, I thought to myself: "Man, this guy is really narcissistic." Everything seems to be all about him.

[preraph]

I read him as too intimidated by you to make a move. You know, there are lots of guys who need a woman bouncing up and down giggling to work up the nerve.

 

I also get that in addition to being intimidated, it also doesn't gel well with his kind of loosey goosey boundaries letting it all hang out telling you stuff you'd tell your buddy. Maybe he likes a buddy type woman who is just real loosey goosey too!

[curiouslysearching]

I read him as too intimidated by you to make a move. You know, there are lots of guys who need a woman bouncing up and down giggling to work up the nerve.

 

I also get that in addition to being intimidated, it also doesn't gel well with his kind of loosey goosey boundaries letting it all hang out telling you stuff you'd tell your buddy. Maybe he likes a buddy type woman who is just real loosey goosey too!

 

can you define "loosey goosey"???

[preraph]

Per Webster's Dictionary: Notably loose or relaxed; not tense. That's the official definition and it applies here, but there's also a slang definition I grew up hearing that can also apply "loosey goosey" especially to how one is sexually.

[curiouslysearching]

Per Webster's Dictionary: Notably loose or relaxed; not tense. That's the official definition and it applies here, but there's also a slang definition I grew up hearing that can also apply "loosey goosey" especially to how one is sexually.

 

the slang gets ya every time doesn't it....LOL

[CaliforniaGirl]

The guy isn't very suave, babbled nervously in apparent intimidation (but possibly just the nervousness and awful feeling of rejecting someone), and turned the OP down. This all translates to, he's a narcissist with issues and a total jerk? Really?

 

People are allowed not to he ultra professionals at the act of turning someone down and feeling awful about it.

 

People are allowed to say stupid things and give TMI/blurt odd stuff out when they're nervous.

 

People are allowed to not want us, too.

 

If we stomp in fury that they dare do so and call for backup of a hundred voices assuring us they must be total, useless, narcissistic losers, then who's really the narcissist here?

 

I mean really. The guy isn't Mr. Smooth and he didn't want the OP. They are a mismatch. There are stories on this board of people who really are nightmares. This guy? He"s extremely bad at feeling comfortable with hurting people. So sue him.

 

People are allowed to not want us. Just as were allowed to not to want people. Really. It is not a hanging offense.

 

OP, no need to analyze in this case. He tried to be honest without hurting you. It is obvious he felt you were little on the chilly side and not his type. I'll bet he wasn't your type either, so big deal. Nobody got hurt. It was two dates. This is what dating is for...to find out if you're a match. You two are not. Simple. Each of you moves on.

[lanamarie]

I read him as too intimidated by you to make a move. You know, there are lots of guys who need a woman bouncing up and down giggling to work up the nerve.

 

I also get that in addition to being intimidated, it also doesn't gel well with his kind of loosey goosey boundaries letting it all hang out telling you stuff you'd tell your buddy. Maybe he likes a buddy type woman who is just real loosey goosey too!

 

Yea. I kind of thought he was hoping I'd be giggly, and practically jumping on him so he'd work up the nerve. Like I said, I'm a really friendly and down to earth person - but I'm an adult. I don't do the "giggly jiggly laugh at every word you say and drool over you," bit.

[frigginlost]

Holy crap have you folks missed his game completely.

 

50 year old Male here, and I can sniff this guy out through a message board.

 

Simply put: He got you to do exactly what he wanted you to do; wonder. He's playing a weak game of shifting his insecurities onto you to flush yours out. In other words, he was positioning himself to control. *Huge* red flags all over the place regarding this dude.

 

Let me put it another way. If I am out on a date with an Attorney the last thing I'm thinking about is what she is wearing. I want inside that head of hers!! I want to know deets on cases she has been in, I wanna know what makes her tick. I wanna get a playful "objection your honor" out of her!

 

That dude was a miserably bad "player". You dodged a massive bullet.

[kendahke]

Sounds like he was intimidated by you, quite honestly.

[CaliforniaGirl]

Holy crap have you folks missed his game completely.

 

50 year old Male here, and I can sniff this guy out through a message board.

 

Simply put: He got you to do exactly what he wanted you to do; wonder. He's playing a weak game of shifting his insecurities onto you to flush yours out. In other words, he was positioning himself to control. *Huge* red flags all over the place regarding this dude.

 

Let me put it another way. If I am out on a date with an Attorney the last thing I'm thinking about is what she is wearing. I want inside that head of hers!! I want to know deets on cases she has been in, I wanna know what makes her tick. I wanna get a playful "objection your honor" out of her!

 

That dude was a miserably bad "player". You dodged a massive bullet.

 

If there were any degree of finesse or a practiced feel (to what the OP describes, none of us were there, obviously) I'd agree with you.

 

But the fumbling, the falling over his words and spilling as he tried harder and harder for "explanations"...sounds WAY more like a guy who was afraid of the woman's response/felt intimidated.

[CaliforniaGirl]

Holy crap have you folks missed his game completely.

 

50 year old Male here, and I can sniff this guy out through a message board.

 

Simply put: He got you to do exactly what he wanted you to do; wonder. He's playing a weak game of shifting his insecurities onto you to flush yours out. In other words, he was positioning himself to control. *Huge* red flags all over the place regarding this dude.

 

Let me put it another way. If I am out on a date with an Attorney the last thing I'm thinking about is what she is wearing. I want inside that head of hers!! I want to know deets on cases she has been in, I wanna know what makes her tick. I wanna get a playful "objection your honor" out of her!

 

That dude was a miserably bad "player". You dodged a massive bullet.

 

Also, this would only make sense if his end game was to hook her...flat-out telling her they weren't going to date again just doesn't fit with this M.O. ^

 

He was RUNNING away, basically. Fumbling all the while.

 

Just not seeing "player" here.

[preraph]

the slang gets ya every time doesn't it....LOL

 

It's old slang, before your time, I'm sure. Very popular in the post WWII era. Dean Martin liked the loosey goosey women and was himself loosey goosey, for example.

[preraph]

Yea. I kind of thought he was hoping I'd be giggly, and practically jumping on him so he'd work up the nerve. Like I said, I'm a really friendly and down to earth person - but I'm an adult. I don't do the "giggly jiggly laugh at every word you say and drool over you," bit.

 

Yeah, me either. Although I do get remarkably giddy on champagne. But not in the "she's harmless" way. This is why a lot of old men are still hoping to date 20 year olds, while they're still bouncy and silly and trusting.

 

I prefer a guy who doesn't need validation that he's attractive. And there's one real good reason for that besides the obvious, and that's the ones who crave validation often can't get enough of it and will cheat and be online looking for it all the time to make them feel good.

[CaliforniaGirl]

Yeah, me either. Although I do get remarkably giddy on champagne. But not in the "she's harmless" way. This is why a lot of old men are still hoping to date 20 year olds, while they're still bouncy and silly and trusting.

 

I prefer a guy who doesn't need validation that he's attractive. And there's one real good reason for that besides the obvious, and that's the ones who crave validation often can't get enough of it and will cheat and be online looking for it all the time to make them feel good.

 

I laugh a lot - because I like to laugh. I'm a bright person, and not a suck-up...but I do love to laugh.

 

It's a personality style, really.

 

If this guy wants a more relaxed personality style that doesn't necessarily mean he wants a giddy giggling fool. My husband doesn't require validation via my laughing, he just likes to laugh and so do I...we crack jokes constantly...often sardonic ones, not always belly laughs, but we always find something funny, and it's nothing to do with validation or falling all over one another.

 

We're making some big leaps here...now this guy is a narcissist player who requires validation and is likely to cheat.

 

Or...

 

...he just isn't a match with the OP...which is still not a crime.

 

I promise that is the last time I'll say that.

[Darien 76]

Hey Lana Marie! I am also an attorney and I went out on a date with a guy who made similar comments regarding my wardrobe. He asked me if I "own jeans" and if he would have to "go out and buy a bunch of suits". LOL! We met for dinner both times after work so I was dressed business casual. Once was a black sweater dress and the other time was a black sheath. After the second date he told me that he felt we wouldn't mesh in my world and that he "felt beneath me." I really liked him so I was disappointed! But nothing I could do. I said maybe we could stay in touch time to time as friends and he said he would like that. And we haven't spoken since! LMAO oh well! Don't judge a person by their wardrobe is all I can say! His loss!

[lurker74]

Thanks for your story - It's nice seeing things from the other side, not that I have ever been as awkward as that guy (or at least, I hope not).

 

You've gotten lots of advice and opinion and I think they're all right, but the thing I would add is not to necessarily give up on OLD but only if you put it in proper context. So here's my take on the context:

 

OLD is very powerful. You get to screen massive portions of the population and connect with people from the comfort of your couch. The threshold for rejection is lower but the costs of rejection are almost nothing, so people who might not otherwise be willing to put themselves out there do so, even though they will be rejected by dozens or hundreds of people.

 

It is also lets you get hyper specific...weight, hair color, income, age, weight (repeated twice intentionally), height, etc. That is hugely powerful - not something you can do when meeting people organically.

 

But all this power comes with major problems too. For instance, let's say you are looking for people between the age of 27 and 33 but someone who is 35 is super perfect for you. Perhaps if you had met him organically, the extra two years would have meant nothing to you. But the hyper specificity excludes him. The same is true for weight, income, etc. There are no gray areas...they fit the screen or they don't.

 

OTOH, the opposite side of the same coin applies for initial interactions. You normally would screen a guy like that out as soon as you met him because of his odd manners or interactions. But because he met your initial OLD screens, you choose to ignore the things that would tell you to say to the guys, thanks for the drink but I have to meet some friends in real life. And the same is true for him...he probably never would have spoken to you in real life but OLD gave him license.

 

So OLD has these great tools that can cut both ways...easy, powerful, low risk. Dating people is not supposed to be that way (in organic modes) so it inevitably screws things up.

 

So why am I bringing this obvious stuff up? Because your interaction with the guy is not a fault of OLD but a feature. You were not rejected...you were just never meant to be on a second date with him. You should expect it to recur. And that can sound frustrating, but remember this:

 

It's only bad if you look at it that way.

 

My advice, stick with OLD but be casual about it. Don't invest too much unless it feels great when you meet. If it's just OK, maybe you do a second date but maybe not. If it feels off, trust your instincts. Ask yourself if this was a guy you met organically, would you stick it out? If not, move on.

 

And by the way, unless you've made it abundantly clear that it is not desired, if a guy doesn't try to kiss you by the second date, move on as well. Kisses don't mean everything but they don;t mean nothing and more importantly, a man that doesn't seek it is either not into you or too scared to be someone you would likely date in real life.

 

Good luck and thanks again for sharing your story.

[preraph]

You know, there's no shame in someone just not feeling they're able to match you in one way or another. I have done the same, and with an attorney.

 

I always dated musicians and artists. Back in the 90s I went to a coctail party of a court reporter and there was a man there who was talkative. She later told me he asked if he could get my number and ask me out. He was nice looking, he was an attorney and he was nice. I am probably a stupid cow, but I did not feel comfortable going out with him and I just told her to tell him why, that for better or worse I am in my element around musicians and artists types. I felt terrible about it. And now he is married to another court reporter I know. Lives in a nice house, etc. No kids, like me, loves animals. I might have really blown it, but his type was just foreign to me. I felt I was too unconventional for him, but as it turns out, hey, maybe not.