jerrygordon3 Posted March 14, 2017 Posted March 14, 2017 (edited) Okay, so its been awhile since I posted last. I was in a relationship. I entered this relationship three years ago ready to do whatever it took. I was fiercely in love, however everyday she was mean, rude, manipulative, would keep me up late at night manipulating me, yelled at me for not measuring her eggs when I made her breakfast in bed, hit me constantly, always something. before long she was cheating, having meltdowns and threatening to kill herself. She loved me, in her own twisted way. She was so heavily damaged. After two years of waiting for things to change, waiting for her to love me and treat me right. not be shady and change my number in her phone when she went out with " friends". Not hit me, not scream at me and keep me from my responsibilities. She is the only woman I ever grabbed and squeezed. By the end of the relationship I hated her.... I had never loved someone so much and been so hurt. And when I would leave she would scream and sob and call me and beg and beg for months even until I would go back.... I'm actually a driven, successful, confident man. But I lost myself. I', embarrassed. but now for the first time- after seven years in the military, after a two year relationship w the devil. I am so so driven to accomplish my goals and becoming successful. I have so many dreams and aspirations that are coming to fruition. About two months ago I met the best woman a man could hope for. She is unfeignedly kind, sweet, selfless, and a mother of two. She is so busy and never complains. she treats me so well, and is more beautiful than my ex even. We never argue, we have a healthy relationship- yet I have second thoughts everyday. I wonder, " will this stepfather thing interrupt my plans"... I finally have the ability to really enjoy life and spread my wings per say and pursue everything, yet I am having trouble falling in love without having a fricken panic attack. She's already mentioned moving in together in sixth months... And I'm still trying to figure out if I love her, am i getting in my own way because of fear, am i damaged good, am i tired, what.... it all seems like a lot to me because kids are involved.. And i just want to pursue my dreams without concerning myself with taking on a family of three in six months? somedays I just feel empty. like I'm drained of love....as if it were a mana and i had bled it all out and i'm offering love through motions without any real.... robust. "fire inside" love. i don't know what to do. But letting this girl go would be a bad idea I think. There was a reason i was so taken by her, but the quickness **** got real has been hard. Edited March 14, 2017 by jerrygordon3 1
RecentChange Posted March 14, 2017 Posted March 14, 2017 How long have you been in this new relationship? I am very concerned that you choose to stick around in a crazy, unhealthy, abusive relationship for two years. That you allowed yourself to stay and be abused. Have you recovered from that? What soul searching / therapy did you do to figure out why you kept coming back for more crap from a woman who treated you like s****. Until you get to the bottom of THAT - rushing into a new relationship, especially a blended family might not be the best. 3
act00 Posted March 15, 2017 Posted March 15, 2017 You've known her for two months, and before a full year is over since you first met, she plans to be living together. It's an awful lot, and really, way too fast. Two months is too soon. It's still the "infatuation phase," and I find it a little alarming that this woman with little children is planning "playing house," when she has NO IDEA how this will play out long-term. You seriously don't know her yet to be making this commitment. Everyone is on their best behavior during the first few weeks of dating. It's hot, it's fun, it's exciting, and nobody farts. Somewhere around 3-4 months, people get real, and then six months. This is when guards get let down, opinions are expressed, and you really start getting into who this person is. The thing is, she also has children, and you're going to shack up somewhere around the 8 month mark (if her plans prevail), taking on the role of "dad," and when things hit the sh**ter, you're breaking up with mom and two babies. I would tell her that you should wait a full year before moving in together. I think that's responsible. You have reservations now, and the children just add to the mix. It's not one person, it's three. A month or two from now, you may find she is the most difficult person. You have no reason to believe she is seeking a gravy train right now, but let's be realistic, after two months (two months) she wants to shack up with you with her babies? Red flag. If she's a reasonable and responsible woman, she will understand. Give yourself and yourselves room to grow together. You have aspirations, and right now, you have no idea how to incorporate the "family way." You need to be honest with her about this, and you need to determine if and how you will pursue these with a family in tow...if you want this. Two months in, is not a lot of time to know this with any certainty. Put a timeline on it. Tell her it's best to wait a year before moving in together (and/or marriage). Have you even met her family? There is absolutely no way I would be making this huge leap with a guy I barely know after two months, and especially not with two young children in tow. Do you know how many psychos are out there? I really don't see this whole situation as positive. 1
Purepony Posted March 15, 2017 Posted March 15, 2017 Look I can relate I'm finally single after 6 years, I just bought a new 80k car because I was bored and I raised my income 10% so as far as thy it's good Gonout there and enjoy it before you trap yourself again especially with obligations you don't need .... I wanted to work things out with my ex but the reality is right now I'm in a position where I can do as I want, I can travel, I can enjoy my life and that's what most men in relationship s with kids can't do I think you should wait a little longer became if it's meant to be it will be 1
todreaminblue Posted March 15, 2017 Posted March 15, 2017 if you arent comfortable with the progress being too fast for you please talk to her.....a sweet kind woman as you have described would only ever want you to feel comfortable and communication in relationships between the two people involved is key to the survival of any good relationship...so communicate.... you must say how you feel what you would like how you see it is progressing and broach any concerns you may have..that's what adults do.....especially with kids involved......be open be honest.....and seek therapy for residual issues you have in regards to your previous relationship.you are a survivor of domestic violence.yes...men get abused far more than you think...known a few guys who have myself...seen it happen...please consider therapy...good luck...deb 1
GoldSparkz Posted March 15, 2017 Posted March 15, 2017 You need to leave the women alone and focus on your own aspirations...especially after being held back by an abusive and unsupportive ex. The last thing you want is to end up trapped in yet another serious relationship with commitments to someone else's kids, then end up resenting her because you never got to achieve your goals. We only get one life, so why waste it satisfying someone else? 1
Author jerrygordon3 Posted April 26, 2017 Author Posted April 26, 2017 she has one child who is incredibly special needs and will be in the home for 50 years. She also is moving to san diego from a different city two hours away and has no plan w work, nor any help w kids especially eh special needs kid. She keeps saying she feels like she's putting more work into the relationship even though I've entertained moving in together. I don't feel likeshes even thinking about my sacrifice. she thinks I'm not putting 100% effort in, or giving it as much effort as my last gf who was crazy, but I've already made serious plans with her, she's all over my social media, I drive up to see her 4 days a week ( hours of driving). she recently pondered ending things cause she found out I was having second thoughts early on and hadn't deleted my online dating apps ( because I had seen her apps on her phone stilltoo a few weeks prior- we ended up clearing this all up easily). however, I brought this up to friends and they said its a blessing in disguise, no matter how good she is to you she has a lot of baggage, and its not going to be a smart move for ME.
todreaminblue Posted April 26, 2017 Posted April 26, 2017 she has one child who is incredibly special needs and will be in the home for 50 years. She also is moving to san diego from a different city two hours away and has no plan w work, nor any help w kids especially eh special needs kid. She keeps saying she feels like she's putting more work into the relationship even though I've entertained moving in together. I don't feel likeshes even thinking about my sacrifice. she thinks I'm not putting 100% effort in, or giving it as much effort as my last gf who was crazy, but I've already made serious plans with her, she's all over my social media, I drive up to see her 4 days a week ( hours of driving). she recently pondered ending things cause she found out I was having second thoughts early on and hadn't deleted my online dating apps ( because I had seen her apps on her phone stilltoo a few weeks prior- we ended up clearing this all up easily). however, I brought this up to friends and they said its a blessing in disguise, no matter how good she is to you she has a lot of baggage, and its not going to be a smart move for ME. i am confused is this the woman you describe of here and also above...or is it two different women.....can you help me understand why your views about her has shifted so much About two months ago I met the best woman a man could hope for. She is unfeignedly kind, sweet, selfless, and a mother of two. She is so busy and never complains. she treats me so well, and is more beautiful than my ex even. We never argue, we have a healthy relationship- yet I have second thoughts everyday. I wonder, " will this stepfather thing interrupt my plans"... I finally have the ability to really enjoy life and spread my wings per say and pursue everything, yet I am having trouble falling in love without having a fricken panic attack. She's already mentioned moving in together in sixth months... And I'm still trying to figure out if I love her, am i getting in my own way because of fear, am i damaged good, am i tired, what..
OatsAndHall Posted April 26, 2017 Posted April 26, 2017 I suggest you stop and take a look at the bigger picture here... You're talking about moving two hours away from where you live now, to move in with a woman who won't be employed and has two kids, one of whom has serious special needs. And, after only dating for a few months. That's a gigantic leap of faith to take, my friend. 3
BaileyB Posted April 26, 2017 Posted April 26, 2017 Two things to consider, You really do need to think about why you stayed in an abusive relationship for so long. It would seem that you have problems establishing a healthy boundary in a relationship. That is not a good thing... And know, this woman may be wonderful, but if you move in with her you will be accepting responsibility to support and care for her and her children for the rest of your life. It's a big decision to make - don't do it unless you are totally committed to this woman and her children in the long term... You can't be one foot in, and one foot out. You can't love this woman, and not her children. Best wishes.
Chilli Posted April 26, 2017 Posted April 26, 2017 Just first up one thing , where are the kids farther ? You shouldn't be or have to be their farther or step, the kids hopefully already have a dad and that is in their lives. But the second pointis she and you shouldn't even be living together when kids are involved for at least 12mths, even longer. lf it doesn't workout and you move out,that breaks the kids heart bc father or not they will get attached and it will be like losing another father. And with you not use to kids and the relationship still being in the honey moon period well.. l'm surprised she's even suggesting it in only 6mths. Talk to her about these points , give it 12 mths and be 100% sure about her before messing with the kids lives any further than what they'll already be going through with a broken family. But the other thing is , you don't sound like your hearts in it or your ready anyway.. And also if your plans are finally coming together but you don't finish it, your gonna regret that later.
smackie9 Posted April 26, 2017 Posted April 26, 2017 You want to spread your wings and live a free life? You are not the one for her...she's looking for a man to share in raising her brood. A totally different life from what you are looking for. Trust me, you hang on to her because you are starving for someone that will love you unconditionally...but a relationship cannot sustain itself on love and kindness alone. Getting involved with a single mother is a complex thing...you are not just dating her but being a step father which comes with responsibility and dedication. She's not the only kind loving woman on the planet. You will find the right one...someday, when you are ready.
Author jerrygordon3 Posted April 26, 2017 Author Posted April 26, 2017 I told my buddy last night, " Im bummed that I met someone who looks amazing on paper"- he cut me off and said, dude she looks terrible on paper. ya maybe you love HER because she's an amazing girl, but you don't like the situation because big picture- it doesn't look good on paper lol. She has two kids, one who is special needs, she is a waitress, and moving to san diego from coachella where all her family and ex husband is. She's going to have no help w the kids and has no plan on how she's going to feasibly juggle work and kids, IF she doesn't have you. I've also called her out: you're making me feel like a crutch, as if you're moving in with me so fast for the wrong reasons and not really thinking about how you're sort of dumping all your " baggage" on my front door. I'm educated, have a good career in nursing, and am trying to get into medical school. I have everything very planned out ( investments, retirement plan, traveling costs, and I want to buy a new car soon), whereas she's really just risking a lot to move out of coachella to come to san diego ( a plan she's had for years) but she's risking it all because she has ZERO help here. AND won't put her special needs kids in daycare EVER because she doesn't speak, so she's concerned about her being molested. It just seems like Im pointing a loaded gun at my future here. despite her honestly being super super good to me. SHES AMAZING to me. constantly being thoughtful, and she's such a sweetheart. She's a much more temperate person, more selfless, all the things that I maybe fall short of. She's a damn good girl, and beautiful too.
smackie9 Posted April 26, 2017 Posted April 26, 2017 Ya for somebody else.....she will find her "shining knight" to rescue her. I know women are survivors, but they also use whatever they got, looks, personality, sex, kindness, to capture a man that would improve their situation. Yes yes I know there are independent women out there that can stand on their own two feet...those ones I am not talking about. Like in the cartoons....OP you look like a juicy steak in her eyes. 1
Author jerrygordon3 Posted April 26, 2017 Author Posted April 26, 2017 I'm pretty sure its just going to have to come to an end. She made me happy. She has always been absolutely wonderful to me. But I'm sacrificing a hell of a lot.
Dtrain2EtOWN Posted April 26, 2017 Posted April 26, 2017 Applying to medical school and getting in and surviving it and getting the residency you want takes 15 years and $500,000 in debt and loss in income. But your buying a new car? She must be silly to think you are the one for her.
Author jerrygordon3 Posted April 26, 2017 Author Posted April 26, 2017 im a nurse, my med school will be paid for by commission, and I'm 30 and own a home, and plan on buying more per investment as I've flipped houses before....not sure which morons out there are taking 15 years and paying 500k. 1
Author jerrygordon3 Posted April 27, 2017 Author Posted April 27, 2017 that was a real dick response dude.
joseb Posted April 27, 2017 Posted April 27, 2017 I told my buddy last night, " Im bummed that I met someone who looks amazing on paper"- he cut me off and said, dude she looks terrible on paper. Your buddy is correct. 1
Dtrain2EtOWN Posted April 27, 2017 Posted April 27, 2017 that was a real dick response dude. I call it like I see it. Any moron can apply to med school. Had you stated you were accepted my comments would have been directed elsewhere. Years of training include taking organic and biochem prereqs not included in nurse school then seven years to achieve the gp. Your idea of a moron is a dr that completes advanced training that can span 4 more years. Half a mil, for paying students. Google it. Did I know you had tuition paid for? Nope. If you get in you will have zero time for you let alone this woman. That is a reality. So I maintain, more so, the girl picks wrong. Your defensiveness undermines you. I take leave with my new dick.
Author jerrygordon3 Posted April 28, 2017 Author Posted April 28, 2017 (edited) period. I wasn't asking about her choosing me. Its about someone being an anchor and trying to lock down someone who doesn't have a lot of baggage. I didn't come here to argue college avenues. I have my pre med done. So I can see that you're coming at this like i don't know what I'm talking about. If you had paid attention you would realized I'm pretty big on planning, not dreaming about ****. The entire thing is, she's started getting insecure and being kind of weird. I have PLENTY of experience with this, and I know you can control insecurities but she is choosing to breathe life into them. trying to say I'm not trying hard enough. she seems to be a " runner" and almost seems like she's just waiting to get let down. Its frustrating, because Im still trying to decide the HUGE baggage issue. I know that she's used to men throwing themselves at her and Im very objective and after my last gf was an emotionally draining psycho I am cautious about bad investments. Once I mentioned this to her, things started getting weird. Edited April 28, 2017 by jerrygordon3 cause
act00 Posted April 28, 2017 Posted April 28, 2017 period. I wasn't asking about her choosing me. Its about someone being an anchor and trying to lock down someone who doesn't have a lot of baggage. I didn't come here to argue college avenues. I have my pre med done. So I can see that you're coming at this like i don't know what I'm talking about. If you had paid attention you would realized I'm pretty big on planning, not dreaming about ****. The entire thing is, she's started getting insecure and being kind of weird. I have PLENTY of experience with this, and I know you can control insecurities but she is choosing to breathe life into them. trying to say I'm not trying hard enough. she seems to be a " runner" and almost seems like she's just waiting to get let down. Its frustrating, because Im still trying to decide the HUGE baggage issue. I know that she's used to men throwing themselves at her and Im very objective and after my last gf was an emotionally draining psycho I am cautious about bad investments. Once I mentioned this to her, things started getting weird. I think you've already made your decision. Break up and move on. You are projecting your ex's behavior onto this woman, and that is unfair. You have NO TIME to dedicate to growing a relationship with a woman, let alone this child. I think she's sucking up way too fast. This could be insecurity due to your unavailability, or this could be "sugar daddy" bull***. You don't have a high opinion of her, and your instinct is to run, so maybe you need to pay attention to that. 1
Dtrain2EtOWN Posted April 28, 2017 Posted April 28, 2017 I think you've already made your decision. Break up and move on. You are projecting your ex's behavior onto this woman, and that is unfair. You have NO TIME to dedicate to growing a relationship with a woman, let alone this child. I think she's sucking up way too fast. This could be insecurity due to your unavailability, or this could be "sugar daddy" bull***. You don't have a high opinion of her, and your instinct is to run, so maybe you need to pay attention to that. Thank you. That was greatly appreciated.
Dtrain2EtOWN Posted April 28, 2017 Posted April 28, 2017 period. I wasn't asking about her choosing me. Its about someone being an anchor and trying to lock down someone who doesn't have a lot of baggage. I didn't come here to argue college avenues. I have my pre med done. So I can see that you're coming at this like i don't know what I'm talking about. If you had paid attention you would realized I'm pretty big on planning, not dreaming about ****. The entire thing is, she's started getting insecure and being kind of weird. I have PLENTY of experience with this, and I know you can control insecurities but she is choosing to breathe life into them. trying to say I'm not trying hard enough. she seems to be a " runner" and almost seems like she's just waiting to get let down. Its frustrating, because Im still trying to decide the HUGE baggage issue. I know that she's used to men throwing themselves at her and Im very objective and after my last gf was an emotionally draining psycho I am cautious about bad investments. Once I mentioned this to her, things started getting weird. You are right. My focus turned to medicine and my personal convictions. I should not have antagonized you. It's your thread and your life.
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