Bluemug Posted March 14, 2017 Posted March 14, 2017 Help Please!! I've been with my boyfriend for four months, after we dated non exclusively for about two. Things were going well, I'd introduced him to my really close friends (one a coffee, the other a meal at my house). He's met my parents very briefly via FaceTime (quickest hello as they were away travelling and I happened to be sat next to him when they called). Sadly my grandmother died very recently and I've been having a fairly rough time with it all (she brought me up as a child). I haven't relied too heavily on BF - no crying/talked about it a little but otherwise trying to get on with life. Recently, however, I feel like unless I specially say when id like to see him, or i need to check my diary (I'm in a job that likes to spring meetings on me), then I don't get to see him. Weekends are often spent apart, mostly with him at his parents all weekend, and me at home, as we haven't yet met. We'll have dinner and then he'll "leave me to it" and disappear with yet another parent/family event. It's Tuesday and we are already on event three. I'm envious/jealous as my parents don't live close by, but also bloody annoyed that he needs his mum for a thing as simple as calling a gardener! Do I want to Break up? No especially, I Do love parts of him a lot, but I can't find peace or A way to compromise the situation I find myself in. How do I bring it up? Should I?
d0nnivain Posted March 14, 2017 Posted March 14, 2017 This isn't an awkward conversation at all. It's a straightforward one. You tell him how much you have enjoyed dating him so far but you ask him if he could please initiate getting together more than he does, Be calm but tell him what you want. Some guys aren't planners. My DH isn't a planner. If I didn't plan we'd never do anything. Once I understood it wasn't his skill set I was fine doing it. I "make him" plan our anniversary & my birthday but even then I offer big hints. 3
anzhoulau Posted March 15, 2017 Posted March 15, 2017 This isn't an awkward conversation at all. It's a straightforward one. You tell him how much you have enjoyed dating him so far but you ask him if he could please initiate getting together more than he does, Be calm but tell him what you want. Some guys aren't planners. My DH isn't a planner. If I didn't plan we'd never do anything. Once I understood it wasn't his skill set I was fine doing it. I "make him" plan our anniversary & my birthday but even then I offer big hints. I think OP's concern is that her bf does not initiate seeing her at all, which IMO has nothing to do with him being a planner or not. My Ex isn't a planner either, but at least he says he misses me and checks my schedule to see when to meet up, although he has no idea what we should do after meeting up. To me that's much better than no initiation at all. I wonder if OP has the same thoughts as me. 1
act00 Posted March 15, 2017 Posted March 15, 2017 After the death of your grandmother, it sounds like you have had a difficult time being with him or socializing in general, and as this relationship is new, you don't want to dump too much on him. In addition to this, your work schedule is difficult and hard to plan around, including last-minute meetings. I question if you have totally ghosted him in the past due to your grief and crazy schedule, or if his efforts to plan things with you were thwarted due to grief or work schedule, and as a result, he is now taking a back seat and "seeing how this goes"...because he's still around, so that's a promising thing. It seems to me, that he may just being going on with his life and giving you space so you can work through your grief and not put pressure on you due to your schedule, and he's tired of being shut down over these conflicts...so he doesn't ask anymore; he waits for you to express your availability. I have no idea if this is the case, but you seem to express that you have been very unavailable, so what is he supposed to do? He could incorporate you more into his life and activities, I agree, and initiate. It's worth bringing this up. He could have just taken a step back to let you deal with your "stuff," as he doesn't want to be an extra burden on you. It could be you are not his priority, and he has other more important things on his plate. It could be your schedule is a constant source of problems, and he's just not putting all his eggs in your basket until your life settles down. 2
GoldSparkz Posted March 15, 2017 Posted March 15, 2017 You pointed out that you haven't reached out to your BF much since the death of your Grandmother (my condolences), so could it be that he feels like he's being pushed away? Perhaps he wants to be more included in your family events but is being kept at arm's length. Therefore, he's doing the same. Have you tried to involve him more? 1
CloudyHead Posted March 15, 2017 Posted March 15, 2017 I think you should bring up the topic with him. I had this discussion recently with my boyfriend about weekends. I was confused about spending time together on weekends (we both work and I have kids so spending time during the week is not an option). I asked him if there was an assumption that we would see each other on weekends or not. He said there was on his end. There wasn't an assumption on my end. So, we cleared the air on that issue. You need to do the same in your situation.
Author Bluemug Posted March 15, 2017 Author Posted March 15, 2017 Thanks all! I've had a conversation with him about my grief/ dealing with it and you're right in him feeling that I was pushing him away. He didn't want to bring it up unless I did, and obviously I wasn't bringing it up. We talked a lot last night and cleared it up - he was actually quite lovely about it. We've also planned a date night (his idea) for this weekend, which surprised me As for the parent thing... well... didn't know how to establish that conversation so I'm going to wait until the weekend. I don't want him to feel I'm forcing he issue, but with the limited time we have together, it would be nice if I could drop in and say hi at least whilst they're there. Pain. 1
preraph Posted March 15, 2017 Posted March 15, 2017 It's not really unusual to wait until you're totally commmitted before bringing someone home to your parents. Different people are different about that, but in general, you don't want your parents getting all "When are you having a grandbaby" on some woman you're not at all sure you're going to marry anytime soon. I would be concerned that he can't do anything without asking his mother first, though. Has he ever lived alone? He needs to.
Author Bluemug Posted March 15, 2017 Author Posted March 15, 2017 He lives alone, both own our houses etc. He's just told me Something is happening family wise but can't go into detail. I'm not pushing it, not my place to pry. I'll just be around if he needs suff for Now.
Author Bluemug Posted March 17, 2017 Author Posted March 17, 2017 I made the error of suggesting that boyfriend and I take a short break to get through our own stuff. He's refusing to tell me the family drama whoch is fine, but does say he can't be there 100% the way I deserve. I asked him what he felt needed from him, which seems quite a lot compared to the reality (I'm not in a pit of despair) and seems to be confusing me with his ex. I gets there's a lot on now, and I've assured him my only concern is how I can help him, but we need to communicate this because my inability to guess means I keep messing up! So, now what. He wants to think about everything...
act00 Posted March 17, 2017 Posted March 17, 2017 I made the error of suggesting that boyfriend and I take a short break to get through our own stuff. He's refusing to tell me the family drama whoch is fine, but does say he can't be there 100% the way I deserve. I asked him what he felt needed from him, which seems quite a lot compared to the reality (I'm not in a pit of despair) and seems to be confusing me with his ex. I gets there's a lot on now, and I've assured him my only concern is how I can help him, but we need to communicate this because my inability to guess means I keep messing up! So, now what. He wants to think about everything... Look, if you two are meant to be, you'll be available for each other when the drama slows down. After four months, this is when the honeymoon phase ends and real life begins, and it's the time you get to know each other better. I see nothing wrong with grabbing a date when you can, and talking and texting in between. Part of a relationship is friendship. Life will always have trials and sometimes it will be very busy. You didn't meet at the best time, but will there ever be a best time? Keep this door open, just don't let it get too much in your head because you just don't know how this will pan out. If he is never available to see you, you can consider just letting it go. I'm considering this as if he isn't moving on to another woman or has lost interest in you, which happens. If his parents dominate his life, this could be bad for your relationship, so something to consider. I find it odd that he can't tell you what's going on in a general sense if he doesn't want to get into detail with you. What do you mean confusing you with his ex? If he's wrapped up in his ex, this is not a good sign. It just seems that if you two are a couple who really like each other and considering a future, you can work around this.
Curiousroxy86 Posted March 17, 2017 Posted March 17, 2017 Help Please!! I've been with my boyfriend for four months, after we dated non exclusively for about two. Things were going well, I'd introduced him to my really close friends (one a coffee, the other a meal at my house). He's met my parents very briefly via FaceTime (quickest hello as they were away travelling and I happened to be sat next to him when they called). Sadly my grandmother died very recently and I've been having a fairly rough time with it all (she brought me up as a child). I haven't relied too heavily on BF - no crying/talked about it a little but otherwise trying to get on with life. Recently, however, I feel like unless I specially say when id like to see him, or i need to check my diary (I'm in a job that likes to spring meetings on me), then I don't get to see him. Weekends are often spent apart, mostly with him at his parents all weekend, and me at home, as we haven't yet met. We'll have dinner and then he'll "leave me to it" and disappear with yet another parent/family event. It's Tuesday and we are already on event three. I'm envious/jealous as my parents don't live close by, but also bloody annoyed that he needs his mum for a thing as simple as calling a gardener! Do I want to Break up? No especially, I Do love parts of him a lot, but I can't find peace or A way to compromise the situation I find myself in. How do I bring it up? Should I? is he your boyfriend? are yall exclusive? if so say babe I want to see you more. see how respond. if he doesn't comply can you accept it? if not...if you need more time with your man breakup with him. you got this.
Author Bluemug Posted April 12, 2017 Author Posted April 12, 2017 He broke up with me yesterday. The secrets that he/sister haven't told His family is that she has been having miscarriages. The last was on Monday, and this event caused him to "re-evaluate" our relationship. He said he can't be there for me 100% and needs to be single "by himself". This has all come after an awesome weekend. He couldn't give me any specific reasons why it was ending, just this "gut feeling" it wasn't right. I miss him terribly. Is it wrong to hope that this event will pass and He'll come back? My mum, who Met him properly about two weeks ago, said it gives the impression that he's not ready for a relationship, or perhaps got scared of how easy it was to fall into this one with me. I dunno.
d0nnivain Posted April 12, 2017 Posted April 12, 2017 In times of crisis a partner either turns toward you or away from you. When they turn away it's because they either don't have the capacity to share or they don't want to. Either way it's a death knell for the relationship. Grieve the loss of this relationship. If you are so inclined pray for your grandmother, his sister's unborn kids & yourself. But don't hold out hope that your BF is coming back. I'm sorry you are hurting but things will get better in the long run.
Author Bluemug Posted April 13, 2017 Author Posted April 13, 2017 Well, he's back on the dating website we met on. I logged in to see what was out there. I thanked him for making it easier for me to hate him. Before I just felt bad for his family, and everything going on. Now I just think... idiot.
Recommended Posts