I can't understand and cope with this break up

March 14, 2017

Hi. If some of you read my previous posts then you would know I was with a guy for 2 and a half years who is an alcoholic, an emotional and mental abuser, and just plain vile. He was my first boyfriend. I'm 23 years old and was with him since I was 21. He took my virginity and he worked really hard to be with me for 6 months. I wasn't easy to get. Then, his drinking ruined the relationship. He would constantly insult me and belittle me. He cheated on me 4 times (as far as I know) and he mentally abused me.

I tried so hard. I was a loyal and good girlfriend. His family turned on me and didn't like me, he blamed me for not having a relationship with his mother when him and his mom never had a good relationship. It makes me sick because we finally broke up three days ago. Usually when we would break up in the past he begged and begged for me to take him back and he'll change. The relationship started getting violent on my end because I couldn't take his abuse. I never was violent with anyone. He said I looked like a man and I suck in bed, and I'm fat, ugly and worthless. So I lost it on him and hit him. His sister walked in because he called her to have her pick him up. She took his side when he was cheating and I confronted him about it, and he started calling me horrible names and I lost it. He was playing victim.

Well, he is not begging for me back. He said his family wants him to stay away from me because im crazy and psychotic. He is doing perfectly fine while I'm sitting here wanting to die. I can't eat, I can't sleep. I can't believe how he abused me to The point of me being violent. He added his whores he cheated on me with on his facebook. He acts like he doesn't care about me and he doesn't realize how much he destroyed a very good woman. He is just playing victim and saying "you assaulted me. I can't be with someone who hits me." after enduring 2 and half years of abuse I started to become violent. I've been through hell and back. He destroyed my self esteem. I'm afraid to show myself to another guy because of how much he degraded my private area, my looks, and my body. I am so hurt because I don't understand how he can just walk away like i was nothing. I don't want him in my ever again, but it hurts that he's out there screwing whores, has his family by his side and is having the time of his life. However, he made no sense. He was texting me and saying he met a beautiful black woman, but then called me three times to see if I was ok. He text me out of the blue at 3am saying "it's your choice. I reconciled with my family and have a stronger connection. We will never be together. You ruined this relationship." he turned it on me and is texting me this when I'm not even bothering him. Earlier in the night he was texting me saying "you were my world, my love, my baby, and my everything. I will love you always." it was sick. I didn't respond to any of it. Other than the text at 3am. I said "ok cool. Leave me alone then." he then texted me something so horrible that it got me to the core of my soul. "I fell out of love a long time ago. I only used you for shelter, but I shouldn't have stuck it out with you for shelter because I kept getting assaulted . I'm glad to be finally rid of you. I never found you attractive. You were always ugly to me. It all wasn't worth it for shelter." that hurt me to the core. I am still crying over that. He told me to leave him alone, but I wasn't the one texting him at all. He then text me a couple of hours later and said "I'll tale legal action on you if you slandered me on Facebook, I'm not talking about you. So don't talk about me." I wasn't even saying one word about him on my FB. I then changed my number so he couldn't have it. However, I shouldn't have done this but I facebook messaged him and said I needed closure. I asked him some questions and he said "it doesn't matter I'm gonna be dead, in jail, or in the hospital. Just pretend I never existed." he was very short with me and he said he was drinking himself into oblivion. His family is helping him out and he claims he said that out of anger of using me. He still was playing victim. I told him he destroyed me and he said he didn't care. It hurt me so bad. He then blocked me. I just don't understand. It's mind boggling to me that he just ups and leaves and used me this whole time like whatever. I gave him a place to stay, I cooked, cleaned, helped him, nourished him, cared for him, and his own family abandoned him, and this is what I get in return? I also.was extremely loyal and never cheated unlike him. I am not coping well. He ****s with my head by texting me that I had to change my number to being callous. I don't understand him. He hurt me so badly. I am terrified of men. I can't go out with any man. I'm petrified.

March 14, 2017

I'm sorry you've been through such an awful relationship.

I can relate a lot with what you've been through. I recently split up with an emotionally abusive man. You just have to remember that you have made the right decision to not be together.

Ask yourself a question, just before you broke up were you happier then than before you started a relationship with him? Also think about the future, if in a years time you were in exactly the same position as you were in right before you broke up, would you be happy with life?

I think these answers will give you clarity as to knowing you're much better off without him.

You now need to start focussing on building yourself up! I've found listening to podcasts really helpful. Read a self help book, maybe even go to therapy.

You need to erase him from your life. Delete all traces of him. Who gives a crap if he's out there screwing other girls. More fool them!! You deserve much better.

Stay strong. You're clearly a beautiful girl and you must believe in yourself.

March 14, 2017

Damn, thats a horrible situation and be glad you're out of it! People like this need help and don't deserve your time and effort! Run away and never look back hun, btw you're absolutely beautiful! Don't ever let anyone diminish you! You'll get back on your feet soon enough, its time to heal.

March 14, 2017

You are a strong and brave woman for saving yourself from this abusive relationship. Relationships like that really mess with your head, don't they? It's like you've been brainwashed.

It's going to take some time to "re-program" your brain into believing that YOU were the victim here and that you are a beautiful person, inside and out, and deserve SO much better.

Are you in counseling? Do you have friends you can confide in? Surround yourself with people who love you, nurture you and want the best for you. F*ck everyone else.

March 14, 2017

I would strongly suggest that you take a break from men and concentrate on healing for your spirit and mind. You are a strong, lovely woman, and someday you will find the man that will appreciate your personality and physical attributes. However, you need to regain the self confidence that has been stolen from you and that will require some outside help. If you don't have a loving family to surround you, try to find someone in your life that will support and mentor you. You would definitely benefit from some counseling. Does your workplace have an employee assistance program? Those programs usually offer counseling, or many church pastors will provide individual counseling. If you are involved in a church, you might find a means of emotional support from people there. Cleanse your life of any remnants of the man that has hurt you. Don't allow contact of any type; i.e. no FB, texts or calls. Close the door tightly on this history, keep moving forward, and don't look back.

March 15, 2017

Thank you all so much for your kind words because I feel so worthless right now and I have always been abused by men. My father, my brother, and my one guy friend, and now my ex. The men did me wrong in life. I don't have a good support system. I isolated myself from people due to trust issues. I lost my best friend, she was my soulmate, she was like a sister to me. Her name was Shayla. I found her dead. She died of an overdose, I didn't know she was on drugs. We went to a party and she passed out on my couch. I thought she was just really drunk and messed up. I was naive because I only went to parties to socialize, I didn't go to parties to get wasted. I don't like drinking, so I was always Designated Driver. I am responsible. I always acted like everyone's mother. I did not know my beautiful friend was hiding her addiction to heroin. Apparently her and her cousin took oxycontin and ecstasy, and heroin all in the same night. Shayla was messed up, but I was sheltered and didn't know much about drugs and alcohol that I just thought she was just really drunk and messed up from alcohol. I let her pass out on my couch, and woke up to her dead. I called the paramedics and I blacked out when they said "she's gone". I couldn't believe it.

I was so heartbroken, because here was one girl who protected me, loved me, cared for me, and treated me like a sister. She was the greatest friend I could ask for. I found out from the coroner 3 months later what she had in her body, so that's how I know what kind of drugs she took, but I was completely unaware of it that night and until the coroner told me. Everyone blamed me and said I gave her the drugs when I don't even know where to get those kind of drugs and I am not like that. It was her cousin. I had people harass me and say that I am a "murderer", I should have taken her to the hospital if she was that messed up. I am an enabler, a drug addict, etc. I was traumatized by my false image. Also, people having my number out of nowhere and harrassing me on facebook saying I should kill myself. I go to school and never did an illegal drug in my life and these people are saying i am a drug addict and enabled her? It made me sick. I was so harassed and couldn't grieve properly. I couldn't handle her death at all because she was my soulmate.

I am still not over her death and it's been two years. I am very lonely and I have very few friends. I don't have a good cousin family because they are selfish. None of them are trying to lift my spirits or hang out with me. My mom is my only supporter right now, but nobody else is. Everyone is either too busy or just doesn't care. I am seeing 4 different counselors to see who I connect with. I am alone in this, just like I was all alone and only had my ex and my mother support me through Shayla's passing.

On a side note. Jake my ex texted me and said he wanted to be friends and see if we could go into a relationship. It hurt me because he is still playing victim because he said "I can't put up with someone who assaulted me like you did." he is not seeing the bigger picture that I've been through hell and back, and him cheating, drinking, being mean, degrading my body so badly that I am embarrassed of my looks and my body. He said it was hard for him to have sex with me because I am boring and disgusting. It was his alcohlism that ruined the relationship because when he was sober, he was prince charming. He was so nice, and giving, loving, caring, and just everything a man should do to respect his woman. He didn't cheat or talk to women. He only had eyes for me. That's the man I fell in love with and he completely crapped on me. He used me and i was such a good girlfriend and was his caretaker. It makes me sick. I told him he cant play with my emotions. I told him I can't talk to you because it will hurt me. As much as he is saying sorry and he loves me, I feel like the damage is done, and there's no reconciling. But he wants to keep in contact, and I don't. It hurts. I cry every five minutes. I am alone. I have to abuse my medication for my anxiety just to cope through the days because I miss my soulmate and now I had a first boyfriend who was a complete monster. I can't fathom what I did to deserve any of this? He just keeps sticking up for his family that degraded me as well. I did nothing to them, but they always had a problem with me. He's sticking up for them and he is hanging around this girl and guy that bashed me about my friend's death and said I was a murderer. That's ultimate betrayal.

It just makes me sick because he has the nerve to tell me we need to take things slow because he's scared of me, when I should be the one scared of him. He hurt me so badly, and brought out the worst in me. I am mad because he has support and friends to hang out with at his disposal, but I don't. I am stuck here in a depression, in my house crying non stop, not eating, not sleeping, unmotivated,and missed two of my classes. He destroyed my heart. I was so in love with him and he turned into a monster 4 months into our relationship and started acting shady and cheating on me. I don't know how to cope because I am not constantly around people to get my mind off of it. He is though. It is just not fair. I feel so helpless and worthless. I feel like my days are an eternity. The minute I go to sleep, to the minute I wake up it's "jake, jake, jake" it won't stop. I just want to wake up one day and not think about him and all the trauma he caused. I just want to forget about him. It also makes me sick because i am terrified of men, and I feel like i will never be comfortable around a man again after what he said about my private area, body, and looks. I feel disgusting. It's heart wrenching and my mind is all over the place. It's making me sick. I just want my Shayla back, I know she would be comforting me and staying over my house and be with me at all times. </3

March 15, 2017

Listen...

Take a deep breath. You are making some good decisions even though they hurt right now.

You need to stay away from this guy. She is not good for you in any way. You are so young and you have your whole life in front of you.

The things that he is saying are simply to be mean because he is really just a jerk.

Take a time out. Met some new, nice people, stay away from him and his crowd of people. You are a beautiful you woman, don't let his or anyone's words make you feel bad about yourself.

And guess what, you don't have to fall in love with someone else right away. Take some time and learn from all of this and make yourself the best person that you can be.

Love yourself first...

March 15, 2017

Ashley, you MUST go no contact with this person. He lies to you about your looks, your personality, everything.

He is one of those people who seeks out vulnerable women and enslaves them to himself through their vulnerabilities. He feeds off of your insecurities. He uses you.

I know that it will be hard, but you must NEVER speak to this person again. EVER.

Repeat to yourself, "I am beautiful and wonderful" every single time that your mind slips back into the mode where you think that you're not. You may not believe that, but you must say that anyway, so that you will someday believe it. Seek out a councilor. Doesn't your school provide such a service?

I have found, as I have had many relationships in my life, that many of the most beautiful women are insecure about their bodies, especially their private areas. There is no need for them to feel that way. Those parts that are seen in private by their lover are often extraordinarily beautiful to their lover. DO NOT fall for his lies! He is trying to control you! If you believe that you are ugly, then you are less likely to move on to a better relationship, and he can keep you around for his own pleasure.

You must seek counseling, and you must avoid contact with that animal at all costs, so that you can escape his evil spell and begin realize how wonderful and beautiful you really are.

You are NOT in love with him. You are psychologically dependent upon him, and this must stop!

Edited March 15, 2017 by Grathblagg

March 15, 2017

Let this relationship be over once & for all. Your head has to win the battle for your heart & mind. Chose you, your safety & your sanity.

You are in the acute stages of grief right now. Do not let that make decisions for you.

Yours was an unhealthy relationship. Take a breath. Give yourself time & permission to grieve. Seriously take this week & cry your eyes out. Box up all his stuff -- stuff of his & stuff he gave you & put it away. Out of sight, out of mind. Set up a friend you can call or text instead of calling him. Post here if you have to. Rip up some old pictures of him or throw darts at the pictures. Wallow. Drown your sorrows in ice cream.

Then come Monday, pick yourself up, dust yourself off & remember you are starting a new beginning.

First step may be talking to a professional about why you make the choices you do & how you break this cycle of getting abused.

March 16, 2017

I did not see all the pictures before.

It is debateable on the make up, depending on what you are going for or where you are going.

But honey you are a BEAUTIFUL young woman and you need to realize that.

This jerk saying anything but that is insane, which I guess you realize that by now.

You are going to have the pick of the litter when you get over all of this. And please stay away from the morons like this BF.

Take your time and find a great guy that will love you properly, which buy the way, you kind of need to understand what real love is BTW.

Because it is pretty obvious that you don't really understand that based on your age and what you have been through. Take some time to understand your worth and your value and feel good about who you are, because right now you really don't understand that. Learn about yourself and what you want out of life.

I know that there are great guys out there that would crawl through glass to be with you.

The sooner you understand that the better off you will be...

March 16, 2017