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Got back together with "ex" and he hasn't said I love you yet? [UPDATED]

Boyfriend Probs

By Boyfriend Probs
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Boyfriend Probs Member

Boyfriend Probs

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I recently posted about my problem a few days ago, but since then I feel like I realized the real root of the problem and wanted to submit a thread with my new line of thought (that everything is because of all our fighting and nothing else).

 

We've been dating for almost 1.5 years and friends for 4. We've been long distance for 5 months, and visit each other every 4-5 weeks. Starting in mid-January, we began fighting a lot. Admittedly, I didn't handle the fights very well (wouldn't give in easily, too stubborn, didn't stop arguing until he started crying). I remember him saying during one fight "I'm in so much pain right now," but I didn't take him seriously enough. I guess slowly this took a toll on him and I was too dumb to realize it, but he was losing feelings for me.

 

After another week of lots of fighting and him breaking a promise, I blew up and said let's break up (I meant it at the time). To my surprise he didn't hold on, and I asked him why and that's when he told me he started feeling off in mid January (when we started fighting a lot) and some of his romantic feelings for me got lost, but he hadn't been ready to break up yet until I said it first. 2 days later, I regretted it, trying to convince him to get back together, he agreed, then changed his mind, then changed his mind back again to trying again. He came to visit me for 4 days a week after we decided to try again and at the end of it he said he had a good time and that it helped cement things.

 

But the moment he went back to his school, everything felt off again. I sensed this, and was more reserved in my snapchats to him. He didn't want to talk as much as we used to. He still calls me, but less often, and only for 10-20 minutes when we used to have hour long calls. I've given him more than one week of space to think, but he says he doesn't know what he wants, and I think he genuinely does feel this way because despite me telling him I'll be okay if he says no, he hasn't broken it off yet. He's brought up a whole bunch of reasons why we might not work together (limited things in common, jealous of single friends, wants space, doesn't know if he'd be happier single, etc) as being the problems when I feel like the main root of everything is the fact that we fought so much. He's jealous of his friends being carefree because of all the fights we had. He wants space because of all the fights we had. He thinks he might be happier single because of all the fights he had that associate me with pain rather than happiness.

 

But I KNOW if he'd let me stay in his life and fix my bad habits, that he would be happier with me than being single. Because he WAS happier being with me before all these stupid fights started. Because we had such a good time when he visited me last weekend. I can see this all so clearly but he can't. He just seems truly confused right now about what to do, and I don't know what to do. I already gave him more than a week of space and time is running out before we need to make a decision next week bc that's when I'm back for spring break. What should I do or say? I'm also worried that he'll decide to stay, but then want to keep the bare minimum contact that we've been having lately (which isn't enough for me) or change his mind later. I'd also rather break up early during spring break so I have a full week to recover before I need to go back to school if he did end up doing that, but I have no way of knowing before it actually happens. But ultimately I wish he'd decide to fully commit, we both work on our problems, and the relationship is turned around. I know I messed up, but things will be different if he'd give me a serious chance.

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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Given the latest details, I think you should brace yourself for a break-up.

 

He isn't happy and it isn't only your problem to fix. He also cited not having much in common, which isn't about fights. He's looking at greater compatibility now, and unfortunately, the list of reasons to end it is growing longer for him.

 

If he's reached the point of not wanting to try anymore (which is the impression I'm getting) then it's honestly better to part ways.

  • Like 2
love111777 New Member

love111777

Posted
Posted
I recently posted about my problem a few days ago, but since then I feel like I realized the real root of the problem and wanted to submit a thread with my new line of thought (that everything is because of all our fighting and nothing else).

 

We've been dating for almost 1.5 years and friends for 4. We've been long distance for 5 months, and visit each other every 4-5 weeks. Starting in mid-January, we began fighting a lot. Admittedly, I didn't handle the fights very well (wouldn't give in easily, too stubborn, didn't stop arguing until he started crying). I remember him saying during one fight "I'm in so much pain right now," but I didn't take him seriously enough. I guess slowly this took a toll on him and I was too dumb to realize it, but he was losing feelings for me.

 

After another week of lots of fighting and him breaking a promise, I blew up and said let's break up (I meant it at the time). To my surprise he didn't hold on, and I asked him why and that's when he told me he started feeling off in mid January (when we started fighting a lot) and some of his romantic feelings for me got lost, but he hadn't been ready to break up yet until I said it first. 2 days later, I regretted it, trying to convince him to get back together, he agreed, then changed his mind, then changed his mind back again to trying again. He came to visit me for 4 days a week after we decided to try again and at the end of it he said he had a good time and that it helped cement things.

 

But the moment he went back to his school, everything felt off again. I sensed this, and was more reserved in my snapchats to him. He didn't want to talk as much as we used to. He still calls me, but less often, and only for 10-20 minutes when we used to have hour long calls. I've given him more than one week of space to think, but he says he doesn't know what he wants, and I think he genuinely does feel this way because despite me telling him I'll be okay if he says no, he hasn't broken it off yet. He's brought up a whole bunch of reasons why we might not work together (limited things in common, jealous of single friends, wants space, doesn't know if he'd be happier single, etc) as being the problems when I feel like the main root of everything is the fact that we fought so much. He's jealous of his friends being carefree because of all the fights we had. He wants space because of all the fights we had. He thinks he might be happier single because of all the fights he had that associate me with pain rather than happiness.

 

But I KNOW if he'd let me stay in his life and fix my bad habits, that he would be happier with me than being single. Because he WAS happier being with me before all these stupid fights started. Because we had such a good time when he visited me last weekend. I can see this all so clearly but he can't. He just seems truly confused right now about what to do, and I don't know what to do. I already gave him more than a week of space and time is running out before we need to make a decision next week bc that's when I'm back for spring break. What should I do or say? I'm also worried that he'll decide to stay, but then want to keep the bare minimum contact that we've been having lately (which isn't enough for me) or change his mind later. I'd also rather break up early during spring break so I have a full week to recover before I need to go back to school if he did end up doing that, but I have no way of knowing before it actually happens. But ultimately I wish he'd decide to fully commit, we both work on our problems, and the relationship is turned around. I know I messed up, but things will be different if he'd give me a serious chance.

 

I know this is tough for you to see or understand right now but I don't think this is the right guy for you. I've been with guys like that...you need to run away from people who are unsure about you! From everything you've said thus far, he doesn't know what he wants...why would you want to continue a long-term relationship (which I'm assuming you'd eventually want to take into marriage) with a guy who is on the fence about you? It won't end well, get out before wasting more time. If he's the love of your life then he certainly needs to grow up, live his life a little, and then try again. But I think you can enjoy college and find a guy who is incredibly sure about you. I know you say he used to be the clingy one, that's probably the worst news. It's hard dating insecure people who need constant communication and now he's realized he doesn't need to be with you to feel confident anymore. I'm sorry, I know it's hard to deal with all these things during exam. Love shouldn't be this hard or complicated. Maybe external things can make it hard (money, parents etc.) but definitely not uncertainty of feelings...that's the whole premise of love and relationships. Value yourself girly, you deserve certainty.

Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

Posted
Posted

I've been in the scenario. Break up. You guys were already broken up and should have stayed that way. Some things are too broken to fix. I'm sorry.

 

You will grow from this as a person.

  • Like 1
kendahke Established Member

kendahke

Posted
Posted
When he came to visit me last week, we did sexually intimate activities, and I've been thinking how it's kinda strange how we're doing such intimate things when our emotional feelings aren't up to speed yet, if that makes sense?

 

He is able to separate sex from feelings. You don't separate sex from feelings. That's really not an uncommon phenomenon.

  • Like 1
kendahke Established Member

kendahke

Posted
Posted
But I KNOW if he'd let me stay in his life and fix my bad habits, that he would be happier with me than being single. Because he WAS happier being with me before all these stupid fights started.

 

Yeah, but that was all before you said what you said, though... and words do cause damage that you are discounting in the quest for getting your way.

 

He does have the right to determine how he wants to conduct his life, especially if a break up has happened and he's had time to rethink the wisdom in being with you. Which is why I said "Never say things you don't 100% mean, because people will take them 100% the way they were intended."

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preraph Established Member

preraph

Posted
Posted

What is the point of staying together if you fight this much? I mean, you certainly can't bring kids into that so you can't be thinking long term. It sounds like too much work. His jealousy is likely deep seated insecurity that NO ONE can fix. So don't hold your breath. Find someone you can have fun with and not fight often with that isn't so much work.

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Boyfriend Probs Member

Boyfriend Probs

Posted
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Posted (edited)

I read all of your guys' responses and I admit that as much as I know that I should walk away, I just can't bring myself to do it first. I just finished a video chat with him and let out a lot of emotions which helped me feel better. I told him he was hurting me with his mixed signals, telling me that things were cemented when he came to visit me, and then made a 180 degree change when he went back home. I told him I've given him almost two weeks to think now, and that it kills me to be in that position where I'm just waiting for him to toss me a crumb. I told him I just wanted everything to come to a conclusion, either he gives me a definite yes with no wishwashiness, or a definite no and we can both move on. I cried for the first time during this whole mess in front of him, which is I think what led him to tell me that after our talk today, he feels a sense of urgency for the first to make up his mind now because he said he didn't realize it was hurting me so much.

 

He said he's going to try to talk to his friends (he hasn't been telling them anything about what's been going on) and gain some perspective, and Monday we can meet up in person and decide things once for all. I do feel like a breakup is more likely at this point, and I know I'll be heartbroken at first, but I feel like everything will work out the way it's supposed to in the end. Thanks for everyone's advice, I'll update you guys after Monday.

 

 

EDIT: I honestly feel like a breakup is coming, and despite knowing it's probably the best for me, I'm honestly just falling apart. I feel like all my friends are sick of me talking about him, and I can't help it, I just need people to lean on and cry my heart out. I honestly thought I could marry this guy eventually down the road, do the whole high school sweetheart thing. When I broke up with my first ex, it took me a full year to get over him (I don't remember much of that period) and I'm scared of it happening again. My heart is breaking and hurting so much and I'm trying to sob as quietly as possible under my blanket with it my roommate hearing me. I'm so scared and hurt and lonely right now.

Edited by Boyfriend Probs
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Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

Posted
Posted

Just saw your edit. :( I understand that feeling. My heart goes out to you so much. E hugs.

1fish2fish Established Member

1fish2fish

Posted
Posted

 

EDIT: I honestly feel like a breakup is coming, and despite knowing it's probably the best for me, I'm honestly just falling apart. I feel like all my friends are sick of me talking about him, and I can't help it, I just need people to lean on and cry my heart out. I honestly thought I could marry this guy eventually down the road, do the whole high school sweetheart thing. When I broke up with my first ex, it took me a full year to get over him (I don't remember much of that period) and I'm scared of it happening again. My heart is breaking and hurting so much and I'm trying to sob as quietly as possible under my blanket with it my roommate hearing me. I'm so scared and hurt and lonely right now.

 

 

I'm so sorry you're in so much pain. One breath at a time, and you will get through this. Love and hugs to you.

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