Got back together with "ex" and he hasn't said I love you yet? [UPDATED]

March 14, 2017

We've been friends for 4ish years and have dated for 15 months. We became long distance 6 months ago bc of college, but we visit each other once a month. Starting 2 months ago, we started to fight a lot and eventually the relationship became draining. We were both to blame for it. He was too insecure about me drinking/partying and got jealous over many things. I picked fights about really small things, and rarely apologized when I should have. 2.5 weeks ago we had a huge fight bc he broke an important promise (bc he forgot) and in anger I said I wanted to break up, half meaning it and half didn't. When he didn't put in much effort to make up, we both realized that he actually hadn't been feeling the relationship as much in the past month and we broke up amicably after a long talk. I went to sleep feeling 90% okay with it.

The next day, however, after I woke up I felt terrible. Another day passed, and I knew I wanted to get back together and fix the problems that ended us. He was reluctant to try again, but after a long talk he agreed. I offered a bunch of solutions asking if it would help, but he seemed lukewarm about my suggestions. The next morning though, he went back on his decision crushed my hopes by saying that maybe we shouldn't try again, that he mostly agreed because he saw how excited I was and wanted me to be happy.

I talked to him again and I didn't beg, I just calmly laid out the reasons why I felt like he was making a mistake. I told him that we've been through so much together, that to throw away our relationship bc of two rocky months without even trying again might lead us to regret it in the future. I started talking about solutions again, and one thing I mentioned was that maybe he was too dependent on me and missed out on his own life with his friends a lot. A light bulb seemed to light up in his head and he seemed eager for once to try again, saying that that might've been the problem that led him to lose some feelings for me. That before, he didn't want to try because he didn't know what caused him to feel off, but now that he knew, he felt more optimistic. Before, whenever I called, he would always drop whatever he was doing to talk to me, and missed out on a lot with his friends even though I told him it was fine.

I told him to think on it for 2 more days and I would give him space because I wanted to make sure he wouldn't change his mind and hurt me again. I didn't contact him at all for two days, but after just one day of no contact, he started calling me saying he was certain he wanted to try. By the end of two days he hadn't changed his mind and was really pushing for it, so we both decided to try again. Since then, he came to visit me for 4 days. The first few hours were pretty awkward, but after a while things returned to what seemed like normal. He initiated a hug, a kiss, and then we eventually did more intimate sexual things that we always did before.

But some things aren't the same. He isn't as verbally affectionate as before. He hasn't called me cute/pretty like he used to before, and most importantly he hasn't said I love you, something he used to say almost everyday. It's been 1.5 weeks since we've gotten back together, but he hasn't initiated any videochats/phone calls since, and we used to videochat nearly every night. Despite feeling like things were almost back to normal when he visited me, I worry about the things that aren't the same as they were before. If he hasn't said "I love you" yet, does it mean that he doesn't love me anymore? Or is he holding back? Or he doesn't know how he feels about me? It kills me to think that I might love him a lot more than he loves me right now, but I can't just ask him straight up why he hasn't said it bc I want him to say it on his own, without me pressuring him. Did the physical things we did when he was here mean anything to him or was it just to satisfy his sexual urges? I'm so confused right now. Am I expecting too much from him too soon, despite the fact that we only broke up for 3-4 days, and that leading up to the breakup we were still very affectionate with one another?

March 14, 2017

I picked fights about really small things, and rarely apologized when I should have. 2.5 weeks ago we had a huge fight bc he broke an important promise (bc he forgot) and in anger I said I wanted to break up, half meaning it and half didn't

You pick fights then you threaten to break up! you sound like a nice girlfriend. Oh btw there's no such thing as half meaning it and half didn't that's emotional manipulation and it looks like he called you on your bluff.

He was too insecure about me drinking/partying and got jealous over many things

You say he was insecure yet in your other thread you think he's cheating because he's showing affection! Make up your mind here please!!

But some things aren't the same. He isn't as verbally affectionate as before. He hasn't called me cute/pretty like he used to before, and most importantly he hasn't said I love you, something he used to say almost everyday

Why would he? i mean that's a sign for cheating.... oh wait!

I don't think you two are emotionally ready to be in a relationship, you're way too young.

March 14, 2017

You pick fights then you threaten to break up! you sound like a nice girlfriend. Oh btw there's no such thing as half meaning it and half didn't that's emotional manipulation and it looks like he called you on your bluff.

You say he was insecure yet in your other thread you think he's cheating because he's showing affection! Make up your mind here please!!

Why would he? i mean that's a sign for cheating.... oh wait!

I don't think you two are emotionally ready to be in a relationship, you're way too young.

I know I made a lot of mistakes in the relationship, but I wasn't the only one. No one is perfect at relationships and I realized the extent of what I did wrong and told him I'd put serious effort in to fix it. I know that nothing will change if we resume the unhealthy habits we had when we were dating. When I told him we should break up, I thought I felt like I really wanted to, but realized afterwards it was mostly due to anger and him breaking an important promise he made felt like the final straw at the time on top of the fighting recently. Hence, the half meaning it half didn't. I didn't intentionally use a break up as manipulation, I was truly angry and hurt and thought that was what I wanted at the time.

And if you read the end of the thread where I was worrying about him cheating, you'll see that I quickly realized I was being silly and decided to let go of my fears and enjoy his extra attention.

March 14, 2017

OP, you need to collect yourself here.

You broke up with him. Then convinced him to come back. It's only been a few days. You're going to need a lot more patience - it won't go right back to the way things were. Give it some time and don't put pressure on the situation.

Also, one of the solutions you suggested is that he get out and live his life more because he was too dependent on you. And now that he appears to be doing so, you're panicking. You have to reflect on your own words here: Did you really mean that he should be less dependent, or was that something you said just to get him to try again?

All you can do is give him space and observe. Keep in mind that you were the one who ended it first, then asked for him back. He's right to keep some emotional space from you for a little while - he needs to be sure that you aren't going to pull the plug again, either.

Generally, you should never have to convince someone to be with you. If you reach that stage, the relationship is usually already in bad enough shape that it won't last. Don't try to force it at this point - keep your expectations in check and see if he slowly warms over time. If he doesn't, then it would be best to end it for good.

March 14, 2017

OP, you need to collect yourself here.

You broke up with him. Then convinced him to come back. It's only been a few days. You're going to need a lot more patience - it won't go right back to the way things were. Give it some time and don't put pressure on the situation.

Also, one of the solutions you suggested is that he get out and live his life more because he was too dependent on you. And now that he appears to be doing so, you're panicking. You have to reflect on your own words here: Did you really mean that he should be less dependent, or was that something you said just to get him to try again?

All you can do is give him space and observe. Keep in mind that you were the one who ended it first, then asked for him back. He's right to keep some emotional space from you for a little while - he needs to be sure that you aren't going to pull the plug again, either.

Generally, you should never have to convince someone to be with you. If you reach that stage, the relationship is usually already in bad enough shape that it won't last. Don't try to force it at this point - keep your expectations in check and see if he slowly warms over time. If he doesn't, then it would be best to end it for good.

No, I definitely want him to be less dependent on me. Before, he used to expect me to reply to messages at least every 15 min, which made me feel suffocated, and over time I weaned him off the excess communication so he felt okay with only once an hour. I've always wanted him to be less dependent on me, but not totally independent as if we're not dating. I don't expect to videochat everyday like we used to, more like 3-4 times a week instead, but so far he hasn't initiated one even once. Each time I'd wait 2-3 days for him, and then I'd give in and just call him first. He's spending all of his time with his friends and not giving me any time at the end of the night, to the point where I feel like it's too far beyond what I wanted, if that makes sense?

I guess I'm just really confused because despite the fact that I initially had to convince him, in the end he actually really was pushing for us to get back together, but some things don't completely match up. I think you're right about giving him more time though.

EDIT:

Also, I don't know if it really matters but I wanted to clarify anyways. I was the first one to say I wanted to break up, but the actual breakup and our breakup conversation was mutual. He admitted that he had been feeling like he might have wanted to break up, but wasn't 100% sure yet. We had a really amicable breakup convo, agreed that we both knew no matter what that we would probably always be friends after we took some time to heal because we just have this strange connection. So I guess what I mean is that there wasn't any sort of power dynamic where I was the one breaking up with him and he still wanted to hang on.

Edited March 14, 2017 by Boyfriend Probs

March 14, 2017

On the more negative side, it could be he really doesn't want this anymore. He's giving it another try because you do have a long history, but maybe he likes that he doesn't "have" to cater to you anymore. You went on and lived your life (partying, etc.), which caused a lot of contention, and while you did not demand it, he was dependent on you, always being available for you whenever you called or wanted time.

Thing have shifted. You need to give it time. It could be that he is now working on being less dependent on you, living his life, and as a result, if this relationship continues, you'll find new sets of normal, like you don't talk as often. He's exploring his own life and what he wants. With LDR, it's important to try to schedule times to talk, and maybe you can talk using other means, email, text in between, but you're probably not going to get the same frequency as before.

March 14, 2017

No, I definitely want him to be less dependent on me. Before, he used to expect me to reply to messages at least every 15 min, which made me feel suffocated, and over time I weaned him off the excess communication so he felt okay with only once an hour. I've always wanted him to be less dependent on me, but not totally independent as if we're not dating. I don't expect to videochat everyday like we used to, more like 3-4 times a week instead, but so far he hasn't initiated one even once. Each time I'd wait 2-3 days for him, and then I'd give in and just call him first. He's spending all of his time with his friends and not giving me any time at the end of the night, to the point where I feel like it's too far beyond what I wanted, if that makes sense?

I guess I'm just really confused because despite the fact that I initially had to convince him, in the end he actually really was pushing for us to get back together, but some things don't completely match up. I think you're right about giving him more time though.

EDIT:
Also, I don't know if it really matters but I wanted to clarify anyways. I was the first one to say I wanted to break up, but the actual breakup and our breakup conversation was mutual. He admitted that he had been feeling like he might have wanted to break up, but wasn't 100% sure yet. We had a really amicable breakup convo, agreed that we both knew no matter what that we would probably always be friends after we took some time to heal because we just have this strange connection. So I guess what I mean is that there wasn't any sort of power dynamic where I was the one breaking up with him and he still wanted to hang on.

Well, if you really look at it, he is giving you the space and independence you needed. You can't have it exactly both ways--where he's "right there" when you feel like video chatting and then 'be gone' when you want a breather. He is acting more independent and this is how it might feel to you. This is what being on the other side of your behavior might have felt for him. Uncertain. Also it's only been a little amount of time; he doesn't sound over the top and is cautious about saying I love you. Not to over promise and not exactly sure, I bet, about where things will go eventually. It's just a risk you have to take. And no matter what he would be saying or doing, you'd always be taking that risk: that things wouldn't work out. I'd give it more of a chance if being back together is really what you want. That said, in college, long distance sounds like torture! And very commonly doesn't work out. So don't do it endlessly if you are not satisfied--you will be missing out on so much. Good luck

March 14, 2017

When you say he doesn't say "ILY" anymore, have you told him you love him and there was no response or are you just waiting for him to say it?

It seems like breaking up with you has been on his mind before you said it and now he is just trying to see if it's worth hanging on to because of your history but his heart isn't really in it anymore. Don't be surprised if he breaks it off again.

March 14, 2017

On the more negative side, it could be he really doesn't want this anymore. He's giving it another try because you do have a long history, but maybe he likes that he doesn't "have" to cater to you anymore. You went on and lived your life (partying, etc.), which caused a lot of contention, and while you did not demand it, he was dependent on you, always being available for you whenever you called or wanted time.

Thing have shifted. You need to give it time. It could be that he is now working on being less dependent on you, living his life, and as a result, if this relationship continues, you'll find new sets of normal, like you don't talk as often. He's exploring his own life and what he wants. With LDR, it's important to try to schedule times to talk, and maybe you can talk using other means, email, text in between, but you're probably not going to get the same frequency as before.

I'm kinda worried about that too. After he initially crushed my hopes and then wanted to try again, I asked him to be honest with me and that if at any point he feels like he's just doing it to make me happy again, to tell me. He hasn't said anything yet, so I'm hoping it's because he's really with me because he wants to be, and not that he's just not saying anything because he's afraid to. I agree I need to give it time, I guess I'm just having a really hard time being patient because I keep having all these fears about what's going to happen to us.

March 14, 2017

Well, if you really look at it, he is giving you the space and independence you needed. You can't have it exactly both ways--where he's "right there" when you feel like video chatting and then 'be gone' when you want a breather. He is acting more independent and this is how it might feel to you. This is what being on the other side of your behavior might have felt for him. Uncertain. Also it's only been a little amount of time; he doesn't sound over the top and is cautious about saying I love you. Not to over promise and not exactly sure, I bet, about where things will go eventually. It's just a risk you have to take. And no matter what he would be saying or doing, you'd always be taking that risk: that things wouldn't work out. I'd give it more of a chance if being back together is really what you want. That said, in college, long distance sounds like torture! And very commonly doesn't work out. So don't do it endlessly if you are not satisfied--you will be missing out on so much. Good luck

Thanks for your advice! I agree with you on everything you said. And sometimes long distance did feel like torture (like when I couldn't see him for 6 weeks once), but overall we were happy until we let the fighting get the best of us. I don't want to give up just yet, but if things don't improve in the next 1-2 months, that may be my only option. It also helps that in my circle of 5 friends at college, two others are in LDR so we all support and understand each other.

March 14, 2017

Had similar thing happen with my ex..the drama..the baggage. That made the feelings go..he's not feeling at as much. My ex used to do this thing where whenever we fought he stopped pet names and all around being so sweet and went back in his shell. But time made it go back to normal. After we reconciled after our official breakup, he was so much colder....acted exactly like this. It never went back. Maybe give it some time and prove you've changed. I hope it works out for you better than it did me..

March 14, 2017

When you say he doesn't say "ILY" anymore, have you told him you love him and there was no response or are you just waiting for him to say it?

It seems like breaking up with you has been on his mind before you said it and now he is just trying to see if it's worth hanging on to because of your history but his heart isn't really in it anymore. Don't be surprised if he breaks it off again.

No, I haven't said I love you first yet. I'm just waiting for him to say it because I feel like we both know that right now I'm the one more hopeful for this to work out, so he probably already knows how I feel.

I asked him to videochat last night and he agreed to having a "short one." I figured he was busy and didn't want him to feel like I was taking away from stuff he should be doing at the moment, so after 10-15 min of talking, I told him we should go, but then he insisted that he wanted to talk more. So I'm hoping that's a good sign...?

March 16, 2017

Had similar thing happen with my ex..the drama..the baggage. That made the feelings go..he's not feeling at as much. My ex used to do this thing where whenever we fought he stopped pet names and all around being so sweet and went back in his shell. But time made it go back to normal. After we reconciled after our official breakup, he was so much colder....acted exactly like this. It never went back. Maybe give it some time and prove you've changed. I hope it works out for you better than it did me..

Do you think that if you could go back, there was anything that you could've done or changed to make him warm up to you?

March 16, 2017

he probably doesn't feel love for you, so he's not saying it.

You were harsh with him and words can't be unheard.

Never say things you don't 100% mean, because people will take them 100% the way they were intended. That was an unforced error on your part.

March 17, 2017

Don't force it..don't let the insecurities damage your relationship with him...be patient...be the woman he fell in love with.

March 17, 2017

he probably doesn't feel love for you, so he's not saying it.

You were harsh with him and words can't be unheard.

Never say things you don't 100% mean, because people will take them 100% the way they were intended. That was an unforced error on your part.

Exactly.

I have been on the receiving end of harsh words and an impulse break-up. After that, I just couldn't feel the same way about the guy.

OP, all you can do is give him some time. He's not going to be feeling very loving towards you after the sudden break-up, so you need to scale back your expectations. You showed him you were willing to throw it all away so he doesn't see you as a safe bet right now. He might come around in time. In the meantime, remember that he is probably hurting too.

If things get better, it will be a slow process. And that's not a bad thing. It sounds like you two had developed some bad relationship habits, so this might be the chance to try learning some new ones.

March 17, 2017

We've been friends for 4ish years and have dated for 15 months. We became long distance 6 months ago bc of college, but we visit each other once a month. Starting 2 months ago, we started to fight a lot and eventually the relationship became draining. We were both to blame for it. He was too insecure about me drinking/partying and got jealous over many things. I picked fights about really small things, and rarely apologized when I should have. 2.5 weeks ago we had a huge fight bc he broke an important promise (bc he forgot) and in anger I said I wanted to break up, half meaning it and half didn't. When he didn't put in much effort to make up, we both realized that he actually hadn't been feeling the relationship as much in the past month and we broke up amicably after a long talk. I went to sleep feeling 90% okay with it.

The next day, however, after I woke up I felt terrible. Another day passed, and I knew I wanted to get back together and fix the problems that ended us. He was reluctant to try again, but after a long talk he agreed. I offered a bunch of solutions asking if it would help, but he seemed lukewarm about my suggestions. The next morning though, he went back on his decision crushed my hopes by saying that maybe we shouldn't try again, that he mostly agreed because he saw how excited I was and wanted me to be happy.

I talked to him again and I didn't beg, I just calmly laid out the reasons why I felt like he was making a mistake. I told him that we've been through so much together, that to throw away our relationship bc of two rocky months without even trying again might lead us to regret it in the future. I started talking about solutions again, and one thing I mentioned was that maybe he was too dependent on me and missed out on his own life with his friends a lot. A light bulb seemed to light up in his head and he seemed eager for once to try again, saying that that might've been the problem that led him to lose some feelings for me. That before, he didn't want to try because he didn't know what caused him to feel off, but now that he knew, he felt more optimistic. Before, whenever I called, he would always drop whatever he was doing to talk to me, and missed out on a lot with his friends even though I told him it was fine.

I told him to think on it for 2 more days and I would give him space because I wanted to make sure he wouldn't change his mind and hurt me again. I didn't contact him at all for two days, but after just one day of no contact, he started calling me saying he was certain he wanted to try. By the end of two days he hadn't changed his mind and was really pushing for it, so we both decided to try again. Since then, he came to visit me for 4 days. The first few hours were pretty awkward, but after a while things returned to what seemed like normal. He initiated a hug, a kiss, and then we eventually did more intimate sexual things that we always did before.

But some things aren't the same. He isn't as verbally affectionate as before. He hasn't called me cute/pretty like he used to before, and most importantly he hasn't said I love you, something he used to say almost everyday. It's been 1.5 weeks since we've gotten back together, but he hasn't initiated any videochats/phone calls since, and we used to videochat nearly every night. Despite feeling like things were almost back to normal when he visited me, I worry about the things that aren't the same as they were before. If he hasn't said "I love you" yet, does it mean that he doesn't love me anymore? Or is he holding back? Or he doesn't know how he feels about me? It kills me to think that I might love him a lot more than he loves me right now, but I can't just ask him straight up why he hasn't said it bc I want him to say it on his own, without me pressuring him. Did the physical things we did when he was here mean anything to him or was it just to satisfy his sexual urges? I'm so confused right now. Am I expecting too much from him too soon, despite the fact that we only broke up for 3-4 days, and that leading up to the breakup we were still very affectionate with one another?

my main concern isn't so much that he is not doing the things he use to do now. but my concern is how you pushed to get back with him when he wasn't all in. I mean that's kind of a red flag and you might be getting fall out from that. he may not really want to be in this relationship but your the one who wanted it so he is agreeing to it and wasn't really his idea to begin with....just something to think about. well your in a relationship now all you can do is have a wait and see attitude and try not to push anymore just really see how he treats you on his own. if its increasingly getting worst leave him and stay away. no woman has to ask if a man cares, loves you, etc he will show it.

March 17, 2017

I've read all your responses and have been trying my hardest to not push him and give him time. Yesterday I asked him about what his thoughts were, and he actually said the same thing to me that you guys have been telling me. I also have one question though. When he came to visit me last week, we did sexually intimate activities, and I've been thinking how it's kinda strange how we're doing such intimate things when our emotional feelings aren't up to speed yet, if that makes sense? Despite the fact that he was the one that initiated the physical things, should I hold back until his feelings for me are more established/grow stronger, or is that a bad idea and might cause him to pull away?

March 18, 2017

Exactly.

I have been on the receiving end of harsh words and an impulse break-up. After that, I just couldn't feel the same way about the guy.

OP, all you can do is give him some time. He's not going to be feeling very loving towards you after the sudden break-up, so you need to scale back your expectations. You showed him you were willing to throw it all away so he doesn't see you as a safe bet right now. He might come around in time. In the meantime, remember that he is probably hurting too.

If things get better, it will be a slow process. And that's not a bad thing. It sounds like you two had developed some bad relationship habits, so this might be the chance to try learning some new ones.

The thing is, when he visited me he actually did act pretty loving. He held my hand, kissed me, leaned on me, carried me on his back, etc. It felt like things were going back to normal. But once he went back to his school, he seems distant again. I'm confused as to why everything seemed so normal when he was here, but the opposite when we're long distance?

March 18, 2017

I've read all your responses and have been trying my hardest to not push him and give him time. Yesterday I asked him about what his thoughts were, and he actually said the same thing to me that you guys have been telling me. I also have one question though. When he came to visit me last week, we did sexually intimate activities, and I've been thinking how it's kinda strange how we're doing such intimate things when our emotional feelings aren't up to speed yet, if that makes sense? Despite the fact that he was the one that initiated the physical things, should I hold back until his feelings for me are more established/grow stronger, or is that a bad idea and might cause him to pull away?

Good question. Here's the thing. I personally would have a time line on what I can handle on my man being distant. Like after a man reveals that he is indeed distant and just want some space and that eventually he will come to me then I'll give him like a 2 weeks of space lol. And this does depend on why he need space. If he hasnt given me a reason then yea 2 weeks. So during that time I'm doing my own thing and let him come to me. After 2 weeks I'm breaking up. That's just my mindset on distant men. So that being said if he came to me during that time wanting some nooky he can get it. He still my man ya know? So if I were you establish a timeline in your own mind on how long you think you can handle his distance. Give him his space. Let him come to you. When he come to you be positive, don't ask questions, be supportive, be a girlfriend and if he want some girl give him some. But when that time is up and he still tripping? Girl let that go. Good luck.

March 19, 2017

Good question. Here's the thing. I personally would have a time line on what I can handle on my man being distant. Like after a man reveals that he is indeed distant and just want some space and that eventually he will come to me then I'll give him like a 2 weeks of space lol. And this does depend on why he need space. If he hasnt given me a reason then yea 2 weeks. So during that time I'm doing my own thing and let him come to me. After 2 weeks I'm breaking up. That's just my mindset on distant men. So that being said if he came to me during that time wanting some nooky he can get it. He still my man ya know? So if I were you establish a timeline in your own mind on how long you think you can handle his distance. Give him his space. Let him come to you. When he come to you be positive, don't ask questions, be supportive, be a girlfriend and if he want some girl give him some. But when that time is up and he still tripping? Girl let that go. Good luck.

I've already given him one week, so I think I'll give him just two more weeks. I am going to see him next week at least twice because I'm going back home for spring break, so I hope that doesn't mess up things. I know this is gonna sound bad to a lot of people, but two days ago I started monitoring his snapchat score by screenshotting it and I realized that his snapchat score increased by exactly 100 in 24 hours. I know only about 30 of them are between us (half from him, half from me). I know he has a group chat with his new college friends, so I'm thinking that some of the 70 snaps from them, but the thing is he was hanging out with his friends pretty much ALL evening and night until 2-3 am so it's not like his friends would be snapchatting him when he was right there with him right? Also, I noticed he wasn't on FB past 8pm, which might sound normal to most people, but he's pretty much never done this. Even if he's with his friends, he will check Facebook at least every hour. I'm wondering if maybe he's snapchatting some other girl at night and that's why he was too busy to check his fb like he always normally does? I feel like I'm going crazy here. I know I sound super insecure right now, and I admit that I am, because right now I don't feel secure in this relationship.

I can't ask him about this because right now I want to give him space, and in the case that I'm wrong I'll come off as super insecure and crazy and that's the last thing I want for him to think right now. So I'm just going to let it boil in the back of my mind until there's a better time to ask him.

March 19, 2017

You have to stop monitoring his social media. You're already driving yourself crazy and it's not serving you any benefit. Yes, he's probably out living his life. That doesn't mean he's got another girl - and yes, I know that's what you're probably wondering right now.

I get that you feel afraid and insecure at the moment. If you want a chance at recovering this relationship, you'll need to push through these feelings and trust that if he actually does still want to be with you, he will not do anything to jeopardize that. If he does do something that hurts you or breaks your trust, then you walk away.

Breaking up and then reconciling on these terms was a big risk, I'll admit. It wasn't an ideal reconciliation in which both of you enthusiastically came back to the table, equally wanting to try again. Now you are seeing why convincing someone to come back isn't a great idea. However, he did agree to it so all you can do is see if he warms up over the coming few weeks. If he doesn't, then you might just have to admit that you two have run your course as a couple.

March 19, 2017

You have to stop monitoring his social media. You're already driving yourself crazy and it's not serving you any benefit. Yes, he's probably out living his life. That doesn't mean he's got another girl - and yes, I know that's what you're probably wondering right now.

I get that you feel afraid and insecure at the moment. If you want a chance at recovering this relationship, you'll need to push through these feelings and trust that if he actually does still want to be with you, he will not do anything to jeopardize that. If he does do something that hurts you or breaks your trust, then you walk away.

Breaking up and then reconciling on these terms was a big risk, I'll admit. It wasn't an ideal reconciliation in which both of you enthusiastically came back to the table, equally wanting to try again. Now you are seeing why convincing someone to come back isn't a great idea. However, he did agree to it so all you can do is see if he warms up over the coming few weeks. If he doesn't, then you might just have to admit that you two have run your course as a couple.

I know I'm a total mess right now. I don't know what's happened to us. He used to be the one that was always insecure, always demanded my attention, and he literally was like this up until like 3 weeks ago until we broke up and now it seems like he doesn't care at all, doesn't miss me even though we talk so much less than we used to, when back then we talked so much and he STILL wanted to talk more. I'm left wondering how the bond we built up over the past couple years is gone just like that. I'm scared of being hurt again. I have finals this week, and I've barely been pulling myself together to study for them even though I realize they are super important, I just don't feel motivated. I'm scared he WON'T warm up to me in the next few weeks, and that I should just break up with him next week (which is both of our spring breaks) so I can at least take that full week to recover and it won't affect my studies as much when I begin the new quarter. But what if he would have warmed up to me gradually and I made a mistake by breaking up with him next week? He is my greatest support because although I've made friends at college, I'm not super close to them yet since we've only known each other for a few months, and all my high school friends are dealing with a lot at their new colleges too. I'm afraid of losing him when I don't have many close friends at college yet.

March 19, 2017

I've read all your responses and have been trying my hardest to not push him and give him time. Yesterday I asked him about what his thoughts were, and he actually said the same thing to me that you guys have been telling me. I also have one question though. When he came to visit me last week, we did sexually intimate activities, and I've been thinking how it's kinda strange how we're doing such intimate things when our emotional feelings aren't up to speed yet, if that makes sense? Despite the fact that he was the one that initiated the physical things, should I hold back until his feelings for me are more established/grow stronger, or is that a bad idea and might cause him to pull away?

Guys can separate the physical and the emotional so don't assume that he is processing in his head what you guys do in the same way you would. Also the reassurance he needs from you he can get physically which can be satisfying enough for him whereas the emotional discussions and plans about what to commit to in the future are traumatic and too much.

I have mixed feelings about whether you should be physical with him if you are not together. My general feeling is no. Not like you are "withholding on him"--i mean you might want him too BUT you don't just do that with anyone and right now since he's backed off of a relationship, he's just some guy. If you give to him physically in hopes that it will keep him tied to you, you may be setting yourself up for a disappointment. What people get easily they usually don't treat with much care (like a relationship in this case. additionally he will be having all the benefits of a relationship without any of the responsibilities--how is that good for you??!!!). Also it is usually transparent that you would be doing physical things with him IN THE HOPES that your relationship would be back on--which is not good. The only reason i have mixed feelings is that I know a few people where they kept hooking up during a "break" and things worked out. But more often the best thing to do is not to let them have access to you in the ways they are used to (physically and emotionally and supportively) if you aren't getting what you want/need. Good luck

March 21, 2017

I've already given him one week, so I think I'll give him just two more weeks. I am going to see him next week at least twice because I'm going back home for spring break, so I hope that doesn't mess up things. I know this is gonna sound bad to a lot of people, but two days ago I started monitoring his snapchat score by screenshotting it and I realized that his snapchat score increased by exactly 100 in 24 hours. I know only about 30 of them are between us (half from him, half from me). I know he has a group chat with his new college friends, so I'm thinking that some of the 70 snaps from them, but the thing is he was hanging out with his friends pretty much ALL evening and night until 2-3 am so it's not like his friends would be snapchatting him when he was right there with him right? Also, I noticed he wasn't on FB past 8pm, which might sound normal to most people, but he's pretty much never done this. Even if he's with his friends, he will check Facebook at least every hour. I'm wondering if maybe he's snapchatting some other girl at night and that's why he was too busy to check his fb like he always normally does? I feel like I'm going crazy here. I know I sound super insecure right now, and I admit that I am, because right now I don't feel secure in this relationship. ��

I can't ask him about this because right now I want to give him space, and in the case that I'm wrong I'll come off as super insecure and crazy and that's the last thing I want for him to think right now. So I'm just going to let it boil in the back of my mind until there's a better time to ask him.

yea you driving yourself crazy. yall are just not on well enough terms right now to be confronting him on anything specially something you don't have legitimate proof on. take some time away. focus on other things. literally let him come to you. don't give him anymore headspace. because after your personal time line run out and if he still not coming around its not going to matter if he was messing with someone or not because at that point you have given him enough time to get his head out his behind and need to walk.

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