SoHereIam Posted March 13, 2017 Posted March 13, 2017 Hello Loveshackers, I am coming here in hopes to get some clarity, advice and perhaps even some direction as my recent breakup has gotten my head in a fog and I am aware my rationalizing might be jaded at this point. So perhaps a little tough love from an unbiased party who can perhaps empathize with/for my situation. My girlfriend initiated a breakup a few weeks back (Feb 12th), which stemmed from a trivial argument that should have been squashed but given our current situations we are both going through some stressful times, think it was a catalyst to vent out some of the anger/stress we had been indirectly bottling up. What makes this odd in the 3 years of dating we had never had any explosive arguments and even the last one there was a few words exchanged and that was it. After cooling down the next day she returned from her friends place she was staying at and I asked if was interested in doing dinner the next day being that it was Valentines day. Her eyes filled up with tears and and she just said "i dunno anymore," to which I knew inside there was more to this than I had anticipated. In this she confided that she does not think we are compatible at all and that she always felt deep down inside I truly loved her as a friend and that I was never really in love with her. She thinks we would be the best of friends but as far as a "relationship," it was perhaps never meant to be. I was taken aback and felt completely blindsided. I could feel my inners just crumble and my heart filling with piercing stabbing pains. I confided I know the last couple of years had been stressful for both of us as she had taking a drastic reduction in her revenue in her company and I had been in the middle of a major litigation in a company that I had financially funded, due to a delinquent partner doing criminal activities and potentially jeopardizing my entire investment. In addition at the same time I had started up a new business venture which had it's own stresses in itself. We met 3 years ago through a mutual friend and although what started out just as a platonic friendship as I would confide to her about relationships and at that time a current girl who was toxic in my life and she would be supportive and offer great advice and clarity. As well as she had some issues of her own as she mentioned of a crippling mysterious medical issue which doctors had been unsuccessful in resolving in the last 10 years. As well she divulged she had left a long term relationship a few years back in which she was engaged to the person but his abusive nature resulted in her leaving. Walking away with her burdening and absorbing all the financial debt which she consciously did as her sanity was more important to her. I assumed she carried some emotional scars from that but her demeanour and outlook on life was always a very positive one. More like "everything happens for a reason," and that each experience is a life lesson to help you grow an learn as a person. On the outside she looked like the perfect package.. Stunningly beautiful, a gym nut who was in amazing shape, caring and compassionate and had her own company and owned her own house and car.. Her logic on life was so optimistic and inspiring she wasn't the argumentative type and rather likes to keep the peace than argue. I admired her as a person and adored her company. As time went on we rapidly started hanging out almost every single day and night... Conversation never ran dry and we always had been a great friend and support system to one another. In turn I had some medical connections being in the industry in which I helped her as much as possible to figure out her pain issue and as well was empathetic of her financial situation so typically I had no issues absorbing any expenses in whatever we did... Not because I felt obligated but because I was happy to do so. As time continued on before we knew it things started to escalate... Funny thing it was so progressively that neither of us realized it, it just felt so right. We clicked in so many ways. After a 6-8 months of doing this at her suggestion, she offered to move into my place as it made the most sense. After all she was here everyday and stayed pretty much over every night. I wasn't even reluctant in the least and in my head figured if this doesn't work she can always move back to her place which was 20 mins down the road. Everything was great for the first year or so but her medical condition started to worsen which affected a lot of her daily function as she was in sporadic abdominal pains which impacted her business as she was unable to commit to seeing her clients as frequently as she use to. Tried my best to be supportive I connected her to all the people I knew that could be of help (medically), as well sat with her through countless doctors and hospital visits. Aside from that we still did a lot of relationship stuff like trips and dinners, family functions etc... Since she wasn't working as much and had her debt I of course financed 99% of everything. I didn't charge her rent nor ever asked for a penny for any of the bills either. During the 2nd year I guessed subconsciously I had distant myself a tad bit which she called me out on, asking if "I was happy." I reassured her and explained we have a lot on our plates and although some times may appear otherwise I am grateful each night I go to bed and wake up to her in the morning. I will admit physically I had pulled back a lot from an intimate aspect but I chalked it up in my head as a temp thing because of stress related issues as in my focus was elsewhere. I was sort of put on the spot a couple of times from her that I don't show the same affection as I use to and that we seem more like best friends than lovers.... Stupid enough I would get defensive and think it was all in her head. I mean I desired her every time I looked at her but I realize now I never acted on all those impulses nearly enough times. 3rd year got worse we had been complacent and became almost like an old married couple with the same routine. We still loved each others company and hung out but looking back I can see where there was a lot lacking in passion. I was so tunnel visioned on my companies I sort of pushed her back or away. I was less and less chatty with her and when she talked I was limited in my convo. I think it was not out of annoyance to her but for the fact due to so much stress I was going through I would shut down alot. More so around her because of my comfortability with her... I felt I could be myself and didn't have to force a happy face when I wasn't feeling it like I did with so many others in the outside world.. whether that be friends or business acquaintances etc. I guess she interpreted that as that she brings the anger and misery out of me and others make me smile. Sadly was never the case. So here we are a few weeks back she broke up with me. Her reasoning is she loves me that much she wants me to be happy and that she thinks she does not do that for me. Also the fact that as friends we are a billion percent compatible but as lovers I don't look or treat her that way anymore. I defended that claim that best of friends is key to any relationship regardless and perhaps she was right that I might have reduced in physical attraction because for a while I had adopted the role of being her doctor, her lawyer, her therapist, the banker and financier... Basically all of the above before feeling like a boyfriend first and foremost. In addition I spoke of the stresses currently going on and the fact that in the last year I stopped hitting the gym and had gained 50lbs and developed an insecurity and lack of confidence. I actually didn't feel up to par to being her gf. According to her none of that ever mattered. She also confided that she tried so hard to push the intimacy for so long that she no longer sees or feels it either. She (currently), is adamant that I need to find self happiness and work on myself as she is doing for herself as well. She seems so convinced we are not meant to be in a relationship but meant to be best of friends with the disclaimer of "who knows what the future might hold." I know she's in a difficult financial position so I did not force her to move out yet as I could not do that on my conscience but her demeanour is as if a light switch flipped. The day after she was so matter of fact, albeit polite and sweet but like the last 3 years had never happened?? I get that she might have had time to emotionally check out a while ago which I am in the beginning stages but it is hard to see her in the morning (sleep separate rooms now), as she greats "good morning!," I try to reply the same but in my head im thinking "wtf are you so happy about?" Perhaps a front on her part? I dunno.. I since have confronted her a few times, asking what her intentions are... Told her that I don't wanna hear breadcrumbs or false hopes but so I can mentally prepare myself and make the decisions I need to do to maintain my sanity pick up the pieces and move on. IE: If she has no intentions or consideration of reconciling in a relationship then I would eventually like to know so I can decide how I would like to proceed. For example I told her I may be unsure if we could remain friends as she wants, for my sanity and preservation I might prefer a clean slate and remove any history as it might be painful for me to be friends only or see her dating etc. I do notice she seemed very hurt but I said to her she made her decision and whether I liked it or not I still respected it and in turn she should do the same for me. It was her decision to make this move and I am doing whats best to preserve my heart and mind. We did both agree that the breakup is so fresh that we are still in processing stages. I also did acknowledge this is of recent so I don't want either of us to make any knee-jerk emotional reactions that could cause harm or resentment, hence I wasn't going to blindside her and kick her out as she should know by now i am not that kind of person (she is unable to move back immediately into her house for other unrelated reasons). I get we are still processing but makes it harder when we are living together and her body language is so different where she seems in a rebuilding stages/over it and i am in the processing hurt stages still. There is the odd hints of jealousy if a female friend contacts me (for support), but usually she makes a jokingly comment and smirks. She also encourages me to find girls and get out there which I find odd and annoying. Feels like she's pushing or pawning me off. I also tried to explain that I refuse to feel like a prisoner in my own castle as well neither should she but it is odd when we use to spend every waking moment together and now we might have a coffee together chat for 5 mins and then retreat to another room and do our own thing..... Right now my head is in such a mess with headaches and pain. Some days it is hard to process or even begin to find clarity or hope. I currently am at my parents house dog sitting as they are away and the change of scenery has helped somewhat. Regardless its hard as any moment in silence she's on my mind. In fact she reached out once yesterday to ask a question and her tone to me at least seemed blunt although she was friendly it was a few sentences and that was it. Unlike the paragraphs we use to text one another when apart. Sorry for the long read/rambling and hope some if not most of this made a little sense. As I have not been functioning or thinking clearly these days... Any input would be appreciated.
LitTunnel Posted March 13, 2017 Posted March 13, 2017 Bro, it's time for her to leave your house and your life for good. She's a selfish, inconsiderste woman who didn't appreciate your offerings and didn't even acknowledge the fact that she was a big part in your distancing. She is so narrow minded that she never took responsibility in the troubles of the relationship which she caused most of and then had the audacity to breakup with you and be all happy go lucky around YOUR house like she's this big shiiit?? That's so disrespectful!!! I don't care how you slice it she's a selfish woman. Get rid of her and block this selfish woman from your life otherwise prepare for more and worsen misery.
Author SoHereIam Posted March 13, 2017 Author Posted March 13, 2017 Thanks for taking the time to read this bro. Mad love for the encouragement and empowerment. My friends sort of hinted the same albeit yours is more direct lol. Nice to read your words as I taking on most of the blame myself. Regards
LitTunnel Posted March 13, 2017 Posted March 13, 2017 (edited) And btw, I would KILL to be in your shoes. You own businesses, sounds like you do well financially, you have your own house and solid connections. Do you realize what a big deal this is!?!? I don't think you do because if you did then you would know that with this kind of life women are super, super attracted to and you can easily find someone else. And on top of it you're a great guy and your involved in your relationships. Bro, haha, omg, i really think you need to see yourself as a great catch because i seriously envy your life. Just please, please don't get hung up on this woman for too long. I know it's much easier said than done, believe me, but you can go back out there and find a woman who actually gonna care about you. This might tske some time, but definitely doable. Here should be your game plan. 1. Nicely ask your ex to pack her stuff and move out asap. Don't talk about anything relationship related. Keep convos to an absolute minimum. Once she leaves... 2. Delete her phone number, ALL social media, friends that are connected to her, pictures. Pretty much anything that reminds you of her. 3. Go completely NC (No contact). She disrespected you and was selfish so don't answer any of her calls or texts unless they're clear, CLEAR signs that she wants to make something happen. 4. Mourn. The mourning period is different for everyone so be patient during this time. Cry and rage all you want, but do it when you're alone of course lol. 5. As painful and unmotivated as you might feel start working out and burn those extra pounds you gained. This is guaranteed to raise your dopamine (happy chemicals in your brain). Try not to masturbate too much. Masturbation has been linked to depression and hair loss. 6. Once you're feeling and looking better get your butt out there and start meeting hotties. Don't over spend on them. You seem like the type that over spends on women. Bro, don't. Once you start showering them with gifts and money they lose respect for you. CUT THAT OUT!!! Like I said you have a pretty good life man but I don't think you realise what a good catch you are. I wish I had your career path man, honestly, despite your stresses. If you do the above I can almost garuentee your lady is going to pick up on your vibes and start to try to rekindle with you. You watch. Women pick up on these things man. Once they sense their exes have moved on they bug out and want them back and in your case why wouldn't she. You were a good man to her but she was the selfish one who didn't see your loving offerings. She played the victim role and thought you weren't good enough for her but guess what? You're better than her!!! You can do this man. I believe in you! Truly look deep within yourself man, you're worth so much. Most women would DIE to be with a guy like you. Here's to your new beginning! Cheers:)Save Edited March 13, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language~T
Author SoHereIam Posted March 13, 2017 Author Posted March 13, 2017 Dear LitTunnel, I cannot even begin to thank you as it's been a while since I actually smiled and even laughed out loud reading your kind and inspirational words. I guess it's human nature we can become our own worst critic and perhaps in my funk I don't see myself as others might see or how you may have put it (Thank you btw). Definitely reassuring and motivating and although I was apprehensive at first to type my heart our publicly I am so glad I did. I mean I have the best friends and family any guy could ever ask for as they have been supportive but at times hard to take their advice cause one feels it's a biased and protective given I am their connection. Def refreshing to hear an outside perspective who carry's the same outlook. I have started to channel that pain and have hit the gym since, lost a few pounds already and working on building myself and work back up. I know I did shut down for a few weeks but reading your powerful fight words will slowly sink in and get me back in the game more and more. I am still hopeful that one day I will meet a lady who sees the value like you said but as much as I hate to admit my ex was sort of right in the fact I need to fix myself and get back to a place of happiness and confidence like when we first met. Just think her execution sucked.. lol Thanks again bro! Great support and friend in these times.
lionlover1973 Posted March 13, 2017 Posted March 13, 2017 but her demeanour is as if a light switch flipped No, it hasn’t. It appears you withdrew both physically and emotionally while in the relationship. And while a little disconnect is normal from time-to-time, a lack of willingness from both parties to try to correct things won’t create more intimacy, it will reinforce the divide. Your reasons for the ‘distance’ are perfectly valid. Stress is a major factor and can produce negative consequences in any relationship. I get that she might have had time to emotionally check out a while ago Bingo. I think when women feel neglected emotionally they tend to ‘check out’ in the process, and end the relationship. It is admirable that you feel like you still need to take care of her financially, but living together at this juncture, is just a recipe for disaster. I think setting a time limit (reasonable) for her to find other housing arrangements, is appropriate at this juncture. 1
Author SoHereIam Posted March 13, 2017 Author Posted March 13, 2017 Dear Lionlover1973, Appreciate the feedback and to a degree most of what you said makes complete sense and I am trying my best to be more understanding vs being defensive. Although I do admit fault in a lot of my actions but find it hard to agree with withdrawing myself "emotionally," like most I had my good and bad days but I wasn't entirely withdrawn from her in that sense. Perhaps a couple of hours one or twice a week I would shut down and gather my thoughts and wasn't as interactive but would be cognizant of it to snap out and regain composure. To me not enough to validate the impression we lived like two ghostly ships passing one another in the night. We still interacted very much but as you mentioned there was the a large withdrawal of physicality I will admit to. Again wasn't like I would high-five her goodnight as we still kissed, the constant "I love you's," flowers on her car seat when she go to work, and I was touchy feely and intimate but again perhaps not enough to where it became noticeable enough to her. I do feel "neglect," is sort of a harsh word but for the sake of learning and self reflection and improvement, I will definitely take that into consideration. As for finances, I don't help her with any of that as for now I am just letting her stay under the same roof until she gets a sense of direction on how she wants to move forward. I do feel the wound is fresh (roughly 3 weeks) for immediate reaction, but still preparing myself to have that "talk," on setting a date. Guess there isn't much hope for reconciliation is what you're saying. I do thank you for perhaps showing me another perspective of things, definitely gives more food for thought and clarity. Regards
lionlover1973 Posted March 13, 2017 Posted March 13, 2017 Although I do admit fault in a lot of my actions but find it hard to agree with withdrawing myself "emotionally," like most I had my good and bad days but I wasn't entirely withdrawn from her in that sense. Perhaps a couple of hours one or twice a week I would shut down and gather my thoughts and wasn't as interactive but would be cognizant of it to snap out and regain composure. I understand. Since you put it that way (explained in further detail), I redact my comment of "being emotionally withdrawn". To me not enough to validate the impression we lived like two ghostly ships passing one another in the night. We still interacted very much but as you mentioned there was the a large withdrawal of physicality I will admit to. Again wasn't like I would high-five her goodnight as we still kissed, the constant "I love you's," flowers on her car seat when she go to work, and I was touchy feely and intimate but again perhaps not enough to where it became noticeable enough to her. I get what you are saying. It is normal for things to wax and wane from time to time. It seems though that in her mind, she couldn't find a middle ground: she always felt deep down inside I truly loved her as a friend and that I was never really in love with her asking if "I was happy.” she also confided that she tried so hard to push the intimacy for so long that she no longer sees or feels it either. Which brings me to here: there was the a large withdrawal of physicality I will admit to What was "this large amount" that you withdrew (i.e. sex? If so, was it weeks, months, etc.)? I do feel "neglect," is sort of a harsh word but for the sake of learning and self reflection and improvement, I will definitely take that into consideration. Fair enough. How about 'overlook' in replacement of 'neglect'? Guess there isn't much hope for reconciliation is what you're saying. Not if she has checked out completely. I can't predict the future though, nor know with 100% certainty. I do thank you for perhaps showing me another perspective of things, definitely gives more food for thought and clarity You're welcome. I hope I wasn't too harsh with my comments, if so, my apologies.
LitTunnel Posted March 13, 2017 Posted March 13, 2017 I would seriously have that talk with her sooner rather than later. I'm sure she has family or friends or she has enough money for a motel. Surely this isn't your responsibility anymore. She decided to take the coward way out leaving you with no options and so she expects you to accommodate her with a place to stay? Dude, she's using you and on top of it all you still have feelings for her so in a sense she's causing you further grief in your own home. Boy, I'll tell ya...she's certainly something else.
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