People with emotional on/off switches

[airborne3502]

There's also the complete opposite side of the coin - people who switch quickly to playing cold and heartless and detached, because they think it's the best or only way to end the relationship and make it clear that it's really over, to burn the bridges and prevent either of you from going back.

 

It's related to the "no contact" provisions we see around here all the time. When someone decides they need to get out of a relationship, they may go seriously brutal to convince you that they never loved you, that there is no hope, and that you should move on. All sorts of motivations can be behind this behavior, including self-hatred. It doesn't necessarily mean they actually feel nothing.

 

All sorts of motivations can be behind this behavior, including self-hatred.

 

 

Interesting point.

 

Since this just happened to me, I've looked at it over 1000 different ways. My ex came out of a physically abusive relationship. She said she spent the last three years of her life feeling worthless and that she felt the opposite when she was with me. I hit one of her triggers during what was nothing more than a misunderstanding, and she seriously overreacted. I never thought of her tanking us as a self destructive, self loathing behavior.

 

I thought it was more of a self defense mechanism. Hurt me before I hurt her.

 

Only she knows, and the best I can get out of her is that she personally wasn't able to handle my reaction to something she did. ( I sent a mean text telling her what she did was "messed up." )

 

Pretty harsh I know...

[Itspointless]

My ex came out of a physically abusive relationship. [..] I hit one of her triggers during what was nothing more than a misunderstanding, and she seriously overreacted.

That is not overreacting and probably hasn't a thing to do with attachment-styles. We cannot magically cure people by our presence. Sorry, but than I am not surprised she acted a like a Vulcan if you scared her, even if it was by accident. Perhaps she is even suffering from PTSD, being traumatized.

Edited March 23, 2017 by Itspointless

[airborne3502]

That is not overreacting and probably hasn't a thing to do with attachment-styles. We cannot magically cure people by our presence. Sorry, but than I am not surprised she acted a like a Vulcan if you scared her, even if it was by accident. Perhaps she is even suffering from PTSD, being traumatized.

 

It was overreacting by reasonable standards. Most couples communicate when an issue arises - they don't just bail.

[Itspointless]

It was overreacting by reasonable standards. Most couples communicate when an issue arises - they don't just bail.

Trauma and reason are two different entities. It means that if she is traumatized her reactions are of-course unreasonable. It is not some logic she is following, it is her body telling her to run like hell. She does not need to remember, her body does. Most people do not stick their hands into the fire twice, they stay away when they sense the heat.

[Tiga]

Omg this is so true and accurate, it sounds like my ex fiancé. He just changed within a day. I kept asking him to wake me when he broke it off, I thought it was a dream as he was so kind and loving towards me before. He had no remorse, I felt like he was cursed and the devil was inside of him, the words he spoke weren't his words. Do you have any additional info on this topic? Could he be like this because of narcissist parents?

[IAmBroken123]

This is exactly what happened to me. I was dating a guy for a month and I was madly in love with him. He treated me well and things were amazing. Then we had one discussion over his ex wife and he got his back up. He automatically assumed that I was jealous of his ex wife and accused me of trying to stand in the way of his ex wife and their child. He was so protective of his relationship with his ex wife, more protective than his relationship with me! It was bizarre. He was so angry at me and I was innocent in the matter. I tried to reassure him that I'm supportive of his relationship with his ex, but he wasn't listening. He right away said " maybe this isn't going to work between us". I was floored. I couldn't understand why he'd want to give up so easily on me! And after we had become intimate and everything. This argument ultimately led to our breakup. We had a date the next day but he was still angry at me, and he even tried to pressure me into sex, which I declined, and this made him angrier. Then he completely ignored me. He wouldn't talk to me. I tried to talk to him, to reason with him, begged him to say something. He wouldn't talk. I was in his home and he walked around doing things like checking his phone, walking into his backyard, washed dishes...all the while I chased him around the house and begged him to speak to me and he wouldn't. He completely shut down it seemed. It was bizarre. He could have said "please leave. We will talk some other time" but he probably couldn't even say those words because he was in some weird shut down mode.

 

Yesterday he rejected me for good, even after all my pleas, and he said it's completely over. Then he blocked me. Im devastated. Things were wonderful for a month and then he turned into this cold hearted monster who didn't care at all for my feelings. Is he an on/off person? It certainly seemed to me that he shut off his feelings, and made me question if he ever cared about me at all. I'm in agony. I really liked him and was convinced things were going amazing.

 

Laura

[Redhead14]

This is exactly what happened to me. I was dating a guy for a month and I was madly in love with him. He treated me well and things were amazing. Then we had one discussion over his ex wife and he got his back up. He automatically assumed that I was jealous of his ex wife and accused me of trying to stand in the way of his ex wife and their child. He was so protective of his relationship with his ex wife, more protective than his relationship with me! It was bizarre. He was so angry at me and I was innocent in the matter. I tried to reassure him that I'm supportive of his relationship with his ex, but he wasn't listening. He right away said " maybe this isn't going to work between us". I was floored. I couldn't understand why he'd want to give up so easily on me! And after we had become intimate and everything. This argument ultimately led to our breakup. We had a date the next day but he was still angry at me, and he even tried to pressure me into sex, which I declined, and this made him angrier. Then he completely ignored me. He wouldn't talk to me. I tried to talk to him, to reason with him, begged him to say something. He wouldn't talk. I was in his home and he walked around doing things like checking his phone, walking into his backyard, washed dishes...all the while I chased him around the house and begged him to speak to me and he wouldn't. He completely shut down it seemed. It was bizarre. He could have said "please leave. We will talk some other time" but he probably couldn't even say those words because he was in some weird shut down mode.

 

Yesterday he rejected me for good, even after all my pleas, and he said it's completely over. Then he blocked me. Im devastated. Things were wonderful for a month and then he turned into this cold hearted monster who didn't care at all for my feelings. Is he an on/off person? It certainly seemed to me that he shut off his feelings, and made me question if he ever cared about me at all. I'm in agony. I really liked him and was convinced things were going amazing.

 

Laura

 

And after we had become intimate and everything. -- As if this is some kind of guarantee. This guy was only in this with you for the sex. He was likely just looking for a reason to exit and you gave him one.

He didn't shut off his feelings, they were never really there.

 

Why do I say all this? Because in the middle of all that anger/discussion, he pressured you for sex. He only wanted that all along and as long as there were no questions, strings, complications, he would take it.

all the while I chased him around the house and begged him to speak to me and he wouldn't. -- When someone shuts down like that, never ever pull on them. The best thing to do is to give them space.

 

why he'd want to give up so easily on me! -- He could give up on you because he's likely not completely over his ex and didn't really want to give that relationship up. I don't know what the history is there, but it really sounds like you were a rebound.

 

I'm sorry you went through all that, but you need to try to not get too attached so quickly to a man and observe objectively for longer than a month, that's for sure.

[DreamLost]

I am in a similar situation. When any of the following happens to my wife:

1. She is criticized.

2. I don't listen to her or did something she doesn't like.

3. I talked to her in a way that is not gentle. I am a mellow person and so I never yell at her, just talking to her in a serious tone.

 

She would then turn into a completely different and scary person. Normally she is a very lovely and kindhearted person and I love very much. But when she turns (very suddenly, like flipping a switch), she would become so cold-hearted and say things that are very hurtful - she has threatened divorce, told me many times she has given up hope on us, threatened to call off our wedding and told me she would break the news to her family and told me to do the same, told me she would call the cops on me (and actually pulled out her phone and tried to dial the number) if I didn't let her go (I was actually just trying to calm her down so we can talk things over and she ended up pushing me to the ground). We have made up after those times but I really cannot understand how someone can do things that are so hurtful to the person closest to them. It is as if I have become her enemy all of a sudden and I can sense that hatred in her.

 

I know this is not healthy but I am now trying my best to keep the devil from taking over her, which involves me being very wary to not do any of the things I mentioned above. All the alarms are going off in my head, but I am not sure what I can do...

[salparadise]

I am in a similar situation. When any of the following happens to my wife:

1. She is criticized.

2. I don't listen to her or did something she doesn't like.

3. I talked to her in a way that is not gentle. I am a mellow person and so I never yell at her, just talking to her in a serious tone.

 

She would then turn into a completely different and scary person. Normally she is a very lovely and kindhearted person and I love very much. But when she turns (very suddenly, like flipping a switch), she would become so cold-hearted and say things that are very hurtful - she has threatened divorce, told me many times she has given up hope on us, threatened to call off our wedding and told me she would break the news to her family and told me to do the same, told me she would call the cops on me (and actually pulled out her phone and tried to dial the number) if I didn't let her go (I was actually just trying to calm her down so we can talk things over and she ended up pushing me to the ground). We have made up after those times but I really cannot understand how someone can do things that are so hurtful to the person closest to them. It is as if I have become her enemy all of a sudden and I can sense that hatred in her.

 

I know this is not healthy but I am now trying my best to keep the devil from taking over her, which involves me being very wary to not do any of the things I mentioned above. All the alarms are going off in my head, but I am not sure what I can do...

 

This sounds like the borderline splitting pattern, something I am all to familiar with unfortunately. This occurs in borderlines because they have the marked inability to hold two conflicting concepts at once. In a given moment you are either good or bad. It's like a two-year-old who isn't getting what they want. They cannot emotionally process having a disagreement with a person they love. In their immature emotional state, you simply can't be a good person with whom they disagree... who withholds something they want, who has an attribute they don't like, who has criticized them or is not buoying their fragile self-concept.

 

Their primary issue is that big hole in their self-concept, a marked void that causes them severe distress. The intimate partner's job is to keep that hole plugged and maintain their homeostasis. This translates to unconditional support and acceptance at all times, and disagreeing with them is seen as intentionally withholding that stabilizing, void-filling presence upon which they desperately rely. In other words, if they aren't feeling good, you aren't doing your job, and if you aren't doing your job... then what phukking good are you?

 

A borderline will have splitting episodes which can last anywhere from a few minutes to a day or so, and they often occur at fairly consistent intervals such as once a week, once a month, etc. However, when they are under stress or in a fragile state for some other reason, episodes may occur and resolve in rapid succession. This is different from the on/off switch that we've been discussing in this thread, but it's an on/off switch nonetheless.

 

DreamLost, if this sounds like your situation, I suggest you read Downtown's 18 Warning Signs. Also search the forum (and google) the relevant terms (borderline personality disorder, BPD, cluster b).

[Chilli]

I had this happen to me six weeks ago. We were together a year and a half and it seemed like the perfect relationship. I invested heart and soul. She switched off in an instant and became the cold, cruel, angry, uncaring person you describe. I'm still reeling from it. The dissonance is so hard to resolve.

 

It all boils down to one question –– can an emotionally healthy person switch off feelings of love and affection instantly? Most people believe it's not possible. If that's true, then what the hell happened?

 

 

l guess there's 50 combos and degree's but for me , it'spointless nailed it , but that's just in my thing.

l grew up in a huge family and an ******* of a school , it was dog eat dog right through , and in my neighborhood too.

Ad me being fiercely independent even at 2 or 3 , and having to defend myself non stop growing up, at home , school,on the street,l've realized later in life,l learnt very young to walk away if l had to and if somebody gave me sh@t letem have it, fast and hard.

 

l realized later in my marriage , when we'd have a fight l was soooo hard on my ex, it was so unfair and so undeserving . so many times she must've thought l felt nothing.

But l just didn;t realize l was like l was like that.

l always still loved her and felt soooo bad later.

She did frustrate the hell out of me though and there were some really serious things, the biggest things in a couples life you know so things had also built up there.

And to this day l still have to really watch it if l get really pissed at somebody because l don't want to go with my embedded auto instincts l grew up with you see.

l'm pretty good these days and rarely see that old me.

 

So l would say , in many cases , they do still love you ,it is more defense mechanisms from way back somewhere, almost built in maybe , like mine were just to survive and a lot like itspointless was describing. But then later , too proud to admit how much they'd effd up on you .

 

But oddly enough , l certainly met my match and she leaves me at the starting line.

My gf , or was. Sadly for some big reasons we just don't seem to be able to get around some stuff and atm we've split.

DT here suspected she had bpd , which l'd never heard of.

and l guess l've had milder degrees of it myself.

But she was like a loose cannon with zero mercy and often over the tiniest thing, even a word , and usually one she misunderstood,

And then it would be straight for the throat from her.

Yet she was such a loving person normally.

But extremely defensive and fiercely l don't need you you are a piece of sh@t to me if she got pissed.

She seemed to have no remorse either, l often wondered if she even realized or even thought there was anything wrong with the way she'd go off.

l always realized it if l did , and lived with guilt for years but with her , it was as if nothing happened.

Which l guess she would be more like what air was describing.

 

So l guess the karma bus came for me yeah,,, and dished out my punishment !

Edited May 25, 2017 by Chilli

[Chilli]

However , with gf , l'm still not sure if it was her defenses with things that were going on with us kicking in or the way she'd always been or what.

She was a gorgeous person mostly on the other side of that , and very loving , fun, talky.

But she'd just come out of hell with her ex and had finally after 3yrs picked herself up and was trying to trust again.

Well our sitch being 70% LDR , was very complicated but she was willing to fo for it and put huge things on the line for me, from day one.

Where as l was holding back and needing to take my time and being way too cautious too maybe l think. And a lot of things like this really hurt her feelings and l think in most cases she'd end up going off at because basically underneath her feelings were just very very hurt.

[Soak]

He automatically assumed that I was jealous of his ex wife and accused me of trying to stand in the way of his ex wife and their child. He was so protective of his relationship with his ex wife, more protective than his relationship with me!

 

I've just been through something very similiar. Looking back on it, it was like i was being punished for the power that had been removed from this person's life (they tried to asset it over me), which means they haven't truly gotten over a relationship from their past. You are either there to distract them, or as an emotional punching bag, incase they were abused or left by their ex.

 

People like us, people who go into things with a wholesome reason, are confused by this because we have a clean slate. They do not and they're taking out their poison on to you.

 

I'm glad you said no to sex with him, how dare he! He wants all the benefits but no responsibility to you.

 

Go and find somebody who treats you better. Take time to get to know him, it is a big warning flag when it all seems glamerous and a connection at the start. A month is too early to know somebody and to "love" somebody, imo. (although I can relate to getting swept away with someone. I was looking for it, they were looking to fill the space that they have left for someone, and probably didn't mind who it was, as long as it was somebody)

[todreaminblue]

i wish sometimes i had that switch...i am an empath.......i wish i could switch off feelings of my own so i can seperate the feelings and impressions i get from others......especially love.......but i cant ....my ex could switch off he could be really cold with people...maybe that swhy i was attracted to him ....an opposite to me...

 

he was really cruel to me when we split when i was in hospital took me a long time to recover(with distance) from that cruelty would have been a lot easier for me to heal if i could switch off.i never reciprocated shi cruelty or coldness...i told him he was really hurting me ...and he laughed...called me a retard quite a few times...........the biggest hurt was probably he abandoned the girls...literally left them while i was in hospital.......but i cant switch off and i didnt and we are friends now ..i have healed... and have been friends for a long time....years actually he is wanting to reconnect on a sexual level with me again.....and i

cant go back there....not that im switching off caring for him but recognising i care for him and what is good or bad for me........... going back would be bad.....for me....not for him....

 

when i love someone...it stays....i will always care......but...i know what is good or bad and what helps me and what wouldnt......i still wouldnt mind that off switch.....but then i guess i wouldnt be me.....

 

i dont think or feel you can blame peopel for having a switch.....or class it as mental illness.....you are right it could be a protection or trauma thing.....my ex has a cold streak and has loving and affectionate parents.....never had trauma in his life really that i am aware of.....he doesn thave mental illness.....he is analytical logical ...can be loving......extremely passionate lover...problem solver....driven..... motivated.......he is a horse when it comes to work ethic.loves his money...a generous person normally.....he has some amazing qualities and then he can be harsh cruel calculating......the cruelty made me so anxious......i felt i had to apologise all the time for being me...he was never mentally ill....that was me........not having an off switch...i often sink into depression......the lady he left me for and had an affair with was more like him...a bit cold when it came to others...judgmental.....fine with deceit to have what she wanted.....deceit makes me sick ....literally eats at me.....so i live with the freedom of honesty.....btu he ultimately fell in love with her.....she was fine with him leaving my girls alone as they partied on yachts and ate out together.......with me i could never do that to a child or another woman.........

 

when i fisrst started going out with my ex he showed no coldness no cruelty at all......no cruelty but he was tough...firm ......dominant..and he was a bouncer ......the cruelty came much later....the ridicule....and i already loved him.....that didnt change.....

 

i am the same now...doesnt matter if a person is mean or cruel or ignorant..if i love them ...i love them....it doesnt hinge on what they do...its about who they are.....and what i feel.....but ...i can step back...i can distance if they are toxic to me....i dont need an off switch...just distance....

 

 

 

i feel that honestly people like that are a bit sad..i feel for my ex.they dotnr really have close friends...........they miss that there is joy to be had in loving.......and to be warm is not bad at all...its what i keep telling myself...that is how people find real and lasting love....by not switching off....by being warm when others arent is a test of your real true self....soemtimes real feelers need ssomeone mor e....even keeled...a bit more logical and analytical than a feeler...........so to balance things out........and by accepting even though an off switch might be cool for a while....who really wants to stop feeling...what is life without feeling what there is to feel....

 

i still however dont beleive people with an off switch are mentally ill...just different....

Edited May 25, 2017 by todreaminblue

[amaysngrace]

Knowing what is best for one's own self and saying something isn't acceptable doesn't make a person have mental issues. Being able to turn off what hurts IS a gift.

 

There is actually a natural process in the brain that protects humans from experiencing physical pain and shutting someone down has that same effect.

 

When we turn off what's bad for us we can take the energy that we were wasting on them and put it towards ourselves. All of it at 100%

 

I'd personally prefer zero than breadcrumbs.

 

I believe this thread is another attempt to protect the frail ego by projecting feelings of inadequacy onto someone else.

[todreaminblue]

i feel this thread is throwing an off concept..... a bad light on being mentally ill..or livign with mental illness......the threads connotation lies to the fact if people have ugly mannerisms or traits yep define that as them having mental illness...blame shifting........thats what i feel...

 

mentally ill people have the capacity to love....perhaps...too much....and mental illness...can have a beautiful softness and fragility in being flawed and living with those fragilities...and fighting on..admitting hey im mentally ill....i have worth and i can love and be loved...its boxing people....into little boxes and wanting them to fit to satisfy self ego.......when people dont fit in boxes...ever.....too complex.....mentally ill or not....we are just different and we need to learn to get along be accepting and understanding of differences..........all of us..deb

Edited May 25, 2017 by todreaminblue

[IAmBroken123]

Soak - thanks for the support. Can we talk somehow? Is there a way to send a private message to members on this site?

[Itspointless]

Knowing what is best for one's own self and saying something isn't acceptable doesn't make a person have mental issues. Being able to turn off what hurts IS a gift.

Attachment-styles are not mental illnesses. And yes I wish I could sometimes. Although the styles I mentioned still have the stress, even when they do not register it. That actually is something they can show on brain scans these days. So in the end I rather would process the feelings than being unaware of it as in some some severe cases of avoidance.

[Chilli]

Well ,l dunno who means what in the thread l only know that l just wished l could've figured that side of gf out and we could've over come it.

with her , l don't think it was a coldness or switch. l often thought it was more a sort of act to protect herself.

 

Sometimes it is just a persons nature to though l think . And there are those that are just cold.

And those that are just genuine assh@les .

lt's funny being around someone like that, just a friend or someone you know l mean , and literally watch them trying to be a nice person. lt kills them, the strain of it all.

lt can be bloody funny to watch.

loften wonder even with myself , if l should just let my assh@le side run free haha,they seem to win every time anyway. genuinely good people often just seem to get sh@t for their trouble.

 

And l think some can just have that switch too, my ex w was never one for turning back.

once she was convinced something was no good then it's goodnight.

she was even like that with our old houses and lots of other things, done.

where as l use to like going back to take a look, see what's changed or the memories.

Edited May 28, 2017 by Chilli

[todreaminblue]

Well ,l dunno who means what in the thread l only know that l just wished l could've figured that side of gf out and we could've over come it.

with her , l don't think it was a coldness or switch. l often thought it was more a sort of act to protect herself.

 

Sometimes it is just a persons nature to though l think . And there are those that are just cold.

And those that are just genuine assh@les .

lt's funny being around someone like that, just a friend or someone you know l mean , and literally watch them trying to be a nice person. lt kills them, the strain of it all.

lt can be bloody funny to watch.

loften wonder even with myself , if l should just let my assh@le side run free haha,they seem to win every time anyway. genuinely good people often just seem to get sh@t for their trouble.

 

And l think some can just have that switch too, my ex w was never one for turning back.

once she was convinced something was no good then it's goodnight.

she was even like that with our old houses and lots of other things, done.

where as l use to like going back to take a look, see what's changed or the memories.

 

old houses have a charm......the memories ...i also wil go back adn take a look.....try and remember the godo times and smile worthy moments...th eworld si a discard world in favor of new ....i like op shops...they hold vibes to the people who gave them away...liek old houses hold vibes....collected in the walls.....churches especially my church have goodness soaked in..deb

[Therese]

I'm not sure I agree. For some people the ability to turn off and on is a defense mechanism - or perhaps a self-preservation tactic, resulting from past negative emotional experiences.

[Phoenician]

Airborne,

 

wow !

 

I must admit that this the most fabulous thread I have ever red on LS.

 

I know what you mean , I am living it since 1999!