No more Mr. Nice Guy! Going through bad break up and need

[breadbin]

I joined this forum probably because I'm still finding it hard to let go - 5 months later, and need to talk about it! I am 40 and i've had a few relationships but I had been in a very serious relationship with a stunning girl for 2 years until she ended it last October. I brought her away for a romantic weekend and as soon as we got back she dropped the bomb shell. Now looking back, I realise what I should have done even though I probably wasn't able at the time but I should have walked away and never looked back but I was head over heels in love and it hurt so much. It still does if i'm honest, and I still love her.

 

She didn't help though and I am bitter towards her and i need to let go. She knows I am head over heels in love with her and would get back with her in a heartbeat. Right now, I am probably strong enough to say no but next week I might not be able to. I want to be back with her but am so afraid of being hurt the same again. My head is telling me to run a mile and my heart is just looking for her to fill that hole she left. All my family and friends tell me to run a mile, no contact etc. I believe them and trust them, but at the same time I have to live my own life. It's not them sitting on their own pining like a lost puppy. I miss her so much.

 

What I meant though that she is not helping is that she keeps getting my hopes up that we will get back together and then dashing them again and every time it happens I end up hurting all over again. I tell myself not to text her and I will go 3 weeks and improve so much and then I will get a text from her saying 'hi, whats up' or something casual like that. She has told me on a few occasions that she still loves me, misses me so much, made a mistake ending it. She also said she wanted to kiss me so bad! That hurts so much now because I start thinking that maybe if I let her in again it just might be the right time to try again. Maybe she needed time to figure it out?

 

It seems like she wants to know that she can have me whenever she wants but not go forward with anything. It is like a control thing, or an ego thing with her. As soon as we talk about getting back together she becomes uninterested, dismissive. She says things like 'I can't promise anything'. I know I should just turn and walk the other way. I hate myself for being so weak and falling for her games again and again. I need to stand up for myself and be strong but how do I break this hold she has on me?

 

I read somewhere that if I was to tell her not to contact me anymore it would hurt her ego so much she would make a move to get back with me. I finally did it and told her not to contact me anymore. We work in the same place but wouldn't see each other that often and I asked her not to see me at work if she could help it either. So after I said this, guess what? She wanted to go out on a date again. I was so anxious, scared and a little bit dubious but arranged to meet up for a dinner about a week later. Lo and behold, a day or 2 before the date she texted me some bitchy text about me trying to get back with my ex. I was so angry she would just make something up like that. I hadn't seen my ex in 5 years! or wanted to. I felt she was just messing me about again. I don't know is it fear or deliberate though. She reckons she just bumped into her. As far as i was aware they never met, she never knew her apart from a picture on facebook so it stinks. It made me so mad but it was actually the first time I felt really sorry for her.

 

I know deep down that we will never be together again. I know she is bad for me. She used to put me down alot and gave me a list of things to change about myself. She literally gave me a list and told me in a few months if I had worked on myself she might get back with me. I, like a complete sap, tried to better myself in the hopes that it might work. I can't believe I let her treat me like that. I know deep down I am better off without her. I know for myself and I know because others have told me too how I'm back to my old self.

 

Sorry for the length of this post. I feel it has helped even just typing it out. I think she just wants to be friends. I don't think she realises how much she hurt me. I told her I cannot be just friends at the moment because I still love her. She doesn't listen to me. I know I need to go the no contact route. I know I need to get out there and start having fun again. I know all these things and then next week when she is feeling vulnerable and needs an ego boost she will text me again. And because I'm such a nice guy i'll be there for her. I need to stop being the nice guy. Help me!

[hunk]

This is how your timeline should've looked.

 

Come home from holiday, take breakup on the chin and accept breakup.

 

Go into instant NC.

 

NC for at least a few weeks, ignoring her guilt-texts.

 

When she messages you after this period, you tell her to come over and you have sex with her.

 

That's it. If she is reaching out to you in this way she wants you to man up and take some control, it's another test to see if she's made a mistake or not. By showing indecisiveness and anxiety and neediness and fear, you've confirmed she's made the right decision by dumping you. You should've just sent a short response to her messages about a date and said something like "come over, i'll be home at 6, grab some beers on the way". If she flakes or ignores or doesn't reply, then you have your answer and you permanently walk away, knowing she was just doing this to gauge your investment in her, and you never speak to her again.

 

You're not being a man and you've handed over all power to her. This is gross and it's fundamentally what is driving you mad. It's not about her, it's about you relinquishing your dignity to her and her being in the driver's seat. This is unnatural. You are the man.

 

Stop talking about your feelings with her, stop communicating with her in any way, get your **** together and fill your life with things you enjoy and other women. While she feels like she can come back to you at any time and that you're sitting there pining for her, she will never come to you. You need to accept this is over and then and only then, months down the line, she might have a change of heart but right now the dynamic is beyond fixable and you're simply a safety net and source of validation to her.

 

Next time, take what you want. If an ex is messaging you it's for a reason.

 

My previous ex messaged me completely out of the blue about 3 months after NC. I embarrassed myself during our breakup and poured my heart out, because i felt bad about treating her like ****. I immediately felt the dynamic shift after those messages and it felt very, very wrong. I walked away embarrassed and never looked back after the one pathetic text I sent. I deleted her number, didn't look at her social media ONCE, found new girls and accepted it was over.

 

3 months later, stone cold NC, she messaged me. I instantly knew why she was messaging me and it wasn't to check up on me, it was to give me the opportunity to make something happen with her. I knew this. I flirted with her, no small talk, and arranged a date and she accepted. We had sex about 4 times that night and instantly rekindled our relationship temporarily before I had to move away a few months later.

 

This is for next time. Stop being a doormat and take what you want.

[elaine567]

I am 40

How old is she?

Why did she say she broke up with you?

What is her past history? Marriage? Kids? Single?

Has she dated since the split?

[jorgeg3d]

Hey bud, so sorry for your situation. Ironically it is very similar to mine in some cases anyway. I too am 40, My ex broke it off with me in late October too. And we were together for a little over 2 years. We also went on a vacation, though about a month before she broke it off with me lol. Crazy right?

 

Well thats where the similarities end though, my ex has not contacted me and in fact recently FB blocked me, I only know this because I had a damn FB notification and saw her on it, so my instincts made me check it, regardless I wonder why after about 5 months out of the relationship she decides to block me, as if I were stalking her or something. Anyway, I too fell deeply for her and still to this day think of her and would love for her to contact me.

 

But the way your ex is doing it to you, is not right. She seems to be contacting you out of her own guilt and wanting to stay friends. If she wanted anything more she wouldn't be playing those games, you definitely need to put your foot down and tell her to stop contacting you unless she wants to reconcile and make an effort to get back with you, keyword is EFFORT.

 

Most of the people here will tell you to block her on every device and media outlet and stay NC. So thats up to you to decide, but at the very least you must tell her to stop the games.

[airborne3502]

This is how your timeline should've looked.

 

Come home from holiday, take breakup on the chin and accept breakup.

 

Go into instant NC.

 

NC for at least a few weeks, ignoring her guilt-texts.

 

When she messages you after this period, you tell her to come over and you have sex with her.

 

That's it. If she is reaching out to you in this way she wants you to man up and take some control, it's another test to see if she's made a mistake or not. By showing indecisiveness and anxiety and neediness and fear, you've confirmed she's made the right decision by dumping you. You should've just sent a short response to her messages about a date and said something like "come over, i'll be home at 6, grab some beers on the way". If she flakes or ignores or doesn't reply, then you have your answer and you permanently walk away, knowing she was just doing this to gauge your investment in her, and you never speak to her again.

 

You're not being a man and you've handed over all power to her. This is gross and it's fundamentally what is driving you mad. It's not about her, it's about you relinquishing your dignity to her and her being in the driver's seat. This is unnatural. You are the man.

 

Stop talking about your feelings with her, stop communicating with her in any way, get your **** together and fill your life with things you enjoy and other women. While she feels like she can come back to you at any time and that you're sitting there pining for her, she will never come to you. You need to accept this is over and then and only then, months down the line, she might have a change of heart but right now the dynamic is beyond fixable and you're simply a safety net and source of validation to her.

 

Next time, take what you want. If an ex is messaging you it's for a reason.

 

My previous ex messaged me completely out of the blue about 3 months after NC. I embarrassed myself during our breakup and poured my heart out, because i felt bad about treating her like ****. I immediately felt the dynamic shift after those messages and it felt very, very wrong. I walked away embarrassed and never looked back after the one pathetic text I sent. I deleted her number, didn't look at her social media ONCE, found new girls and accepted it was over.

 

3 months later, stone cold NC, she messaged me. I instantly knew why she was messaging me and it wasn't to check up on me, it was to give me the opportunity to make something happen with her. I knew this. I flirted with her, no small talk, and arranged a date and she accepted. We had sex about 4 times that night and instantly rekindled our relationship temporarily before I had to move away a few months later.

 

This is for next time. Stop being a doormat and take what you want.

 

Hoo-ah!

 

This is sound advice, and exactly what you came here looking for.

[breadbin]

wow hunk, you don't hold back and you are right. I keep telling myself to man up. I keep asking how other guys would react. I don't know if it is a self esteem thing or not but I did let her take all the control. There is alot of it in her family, control issues I mean.

 

Yeah pretty much everyone i've spoken to about it has said the same thing - no contact. It isn't as easy as it sounds with work and all. She can choose where she is placed in the job but i'm in the same place all the time and she ends up with me most of the time. Like a power trip on her part. I just have to rise above.

 

Elaine, she is about 40, 2 kids. I think she is struggling with her age at the minute, big birthday coming up. She says she will never get in a relationship again so I don't think she has been with anyone since. I believe her. Not for the future but since the breakup. Her list had loads on it. I am a bit over weight so that was a big thing. I always felt she had a problem with it. I have a stressful job and work shifts which doesn't help. She wanted me lose weight, change my job, get a check up - bloods and eye tests, stop snoring, go to the gym, spend more time with the kids - which are all fairly normal things for her to want me to change. I have a house that needs doing up, she wanted me to sell it. I felt I couldn't spend my money on stuff I wanted. Jesus I'm frightening myself with this stuff now. I didn't realise how messed up it was. Other little things on the list were I wouldn't text her back straight away. She felt like she was invisible. I couldn't communicate, I couldn't be affectionate. Even though I know I can communicate and I was very affectionate. Something weird too, I always felt if I had treated her worse we would still be together:(

 

so hunk, i have a spare ticket to a gig coming up should i tell her to keep the weekend free? or just forget about it. I don't know do I have it in me to be a prick.

[hunk]

Go to the gig and enjoy yourself, forget about her. If you've got a buddy that'll go with you, give the ticket to him. Go by yourself otherwise and just have fun. Don't offer her the ticket. That isn't being a prick by any stretch of the imagination.

 

You need to go into hard NC to reset the damage done by your dependency/neediness. Go to the gym and get your body in order. I promise you, I swear on my mother's life, you will feel better about yourself after one week of consistent gym time than you have in years.

 

No more responding to breadcrumb texts. She sounds like she is still invested in you to some degree. Leave her alone, ignore her messages until YOU feel comfortable giving her the responses she needs, which are, as i've said "come over tonight, bring some drinks". That's it. That's all you have to do.

 

But for you to be in that mental state to allow this to work is the real work. To be honest, this will take you weeks if not months. You're in no position right now to be back with her, she needs you as a man and not a weak dependent dumpee.

 

I think in your particular situation there's hope, because she does sound like she wants you in her life, you're just not giving her the opportunity to come back into it and feel comfortable because you're fragile and she doesn't want to be around a weak, broken man. She's been sending out "feeler" tests and you've failed all of them.

 

And yes, regarding you feeling you were too nice, this is a controversial statement and I'll probably cop some flak for it, but in general women will always prefer you to stand up for yourself and tell them to **** off every now and then, to have a spine and put them in their place than put up with a man who will bend over backwards for them and change themselves fundamentally for her. She needs to feel like she is with a man not a child.

 

Change yourself for YOU. That means gym, hobbies, beers with friends.

Stop stressing over this relationship right now and know the only way you will ever possibly be able to be with this woman or any other woman is if you get your life together, get in shape and get your mind back to where it should be, which is FAMILY, MONEY, HEALTH, WOMEN, FRIENDS, FUN.

 

Go to the gym tomorrow. Get up early and do it and don't stop doing it.

[fromheart]

Yes, you need to stop being a nice guy!

 

I had a very similar experience with a woman a while back, treated like a ping pong ball. Looking back now that particular woman was a mentally imbalanced individual, and I allowed her madness to dominate my life.

 

Once that first dump comes, its never going to get better from there. Walk away, she reels you back in. Stay to work it out she becomes abusive. Any self respecting man would walk away.

You have to recognize that when she's being sweet and sexy, her mental condition will kick in and she'll become nasty. Even if its going well, she will have to sabotage it. To date such a person is to date insanity.

 

You've been emotionally abused by this woman, and you're coming back for more. Again, I'm speaking from experience here. When you finally do rid yourself of her you will feel so much better, like a weight off of your shoulders.

[breadbin]

thanks for the advice hunk, I guess I always knew what you were going to say about the gig. I needed to hear it. I am meeting up with all my mates so there will be loads of beers and loads of lads. It's funny she always wanted me to spend more time with them and I know now it was probably her way of getting me to man up!

 

I have already renewed my gym membership last week. Only gone once so far but i'll get there. I don't like the gym much but swim loads but anything is better than feeling sorry for myself. I never thought of myself as being needy. I do focus too much on being 'in a relationship' lately and instead of doing what i wanted. I guess I needed the relationship with her. Jesus my eyes are being opened today! I can't believe it, I hate needy!

 

I grew up surrounded by women, work with 99% women and all the women in my life were telling me how women want sensitive, quiet men who they can talk to about their feelings but in reality it has never worked for me. In my humble experience I agree with you about women wanting their man to be a man. Caveman is better than child. And i began to feel like she was treating me like one of her children, making my lunch, organising my clothes and stuff and I just couldn't see it.

 

I agree to a point fromheart, you can't really control who you fall in love with. There is so much written in songs and films and books about falling for the wrong woman and love hurting. I know for a fact I was never in love before and this has hit me like nothing ever. Even my dads death was a drop in the ocean to how this feels and thats no disrespect to my dad. I have had many relationships but never got stung like this.

 

I do feel better, I know when I don't have contact that I feel great. I have my bad days though and then when she texts me saying she made a mistake breaking up with me I let my emotions come flooding in. I get to thinking that maybe she has finally changed her mind when instead I should be the one to decide. She has hurt me more than anyone and I have to look after myself. I can control the hurt she is causing me. I just didn't realise I could.

 

And fromheart, I agree with you that I have been emotionally abused but I let it happen, what does it say about me? I look at all the battered wives going back for more and I wonder what the hell makes them go back to an abusive relationship? I never understood it before. I reckon my ex has mental health issues now after these last couple of months. I know she is not eating and not sleeping, working 80 hour weeks and I know she has had problems in the past with weight - not eating and stress. I still love her though. I could never see her side of it because of the hurt.

[fromheart]

 

And fromheart, I agree with you that I have been emotionally abused but I let it happen, what does it say about me? I look at all the battered wives going back for more and I wonder what the hell makes them go back to an abusive relationship? I never understood it before. I reckon my ex has mental health issues now after these last couple of months. I know she is not eating and not sleeping, working 80 hour weeks and I know she has had problems in the past with weight - not eating and stress. I still love her though. I could never see her side of it because of the hurt.

Same addiction as drink and drugs, when it feels good it feels good. People will do anything to get a vein full of heroin once they're addicted. Same gos in dysfunctional relationships.

 

A lot of drinkers and druggies give up when they look at the damage caused by them chasing something, that ultimately is not good for their health and well being. It can take a little while to wake up to that, because the high blocks perspective. Same in dysfunctional relationships.

 

To continue the drug metaphor, once you really see how bad drugs actually make you feel on the long term, you take steps to give them up.

 

You know what will happen if this woman comes back in your life, you'll feel good for a little while and then feel really bad again.

Edited March 13, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote formatting ~6

[breadbin]

Ah I know fromheart and thanks for the advice, I do appreciate it. I know she is bad for me, I know she put me down and made me feel bad about myself and I know another woman is out there that will love me for who I am and not try to change me. We had some amazing times though and I have so many happy memories and photos and my life just feels empty without her. I know I have to fill it with other things now that replace her.

 

Something I've noticed in the posts on this board and I include myself in here is that the dumpee is waiting for the dumper to change their mind. Feeding off the table scraps as I think you put it so eloquently. It's true. I spent months hoping that my ex would miss me so much to get back with me and only recently noticed that it should not be up to her. She dumped me for a reason, alot of reasons really and that was her decision. I won't get her back by waiting for her to change her mind. I have to see what attracted her to me in the first place. I think in my case I got complacent. I was boring, dependable. Like an old dog that you could trust to be there for you when you went home. I just never realised it could end.

 

I read an answer you gave on another post and it rang a bell with me. Why would I want to be in a relationship with this woman again if I thought she would hurt me again? It would never work. I know that. I know I am not what she wants. She wants me to change and I want to change and I will change and I look forward to the day when I am strong enough to say no to her. When I don't need it. God I look forward to that day.

[spiderowl]

I'm sorry to hear how you are feeling. It is the classic head and heart at odds with each other. She is pulling your strings and you know that. She is harmful to you. The only way you can stop her pulling strings is no contact. What good would it do if she ever wanted you back? She would only opt out again at some point after breaking your heart once again. She is not a nice person with what she is doing - can you see that?

 

How do you feel when you are with her? Happy? Uneasy? Excited? Whatever that feeling is, it has got you hooked. You can wean yourself off it. You need to seek out happy experiences elsewhere. Remind yourself of all the bad things she has done.

 

I know she has hurt you a lot and continues to do so. Is there an aspect of you that likes her to be in control? I only ask because it is worth thinking about why the pain is not outweighing the pleasure yet. Usually that is why people finally give up, because it hurts consistently.

[elaine567]

Her list had loads on it. I am a bit over weight so that was a big thing. I always felt she had a problem with it. I have a stressful job and work shifts which doesn't help. She wanted me lose weight, change my job, get a check up - bloods and eye tests, stop snoring, go to the gym, spend more time with the kids - which are all fairly normal things for her to want me to change. I have a house that needs doing up, she wanted me to sell it.

 

And those are bad things? Sounds like a woman who has your best interests at heart

YOU are now 40 you need to start looking after your health, overweight guys get diabetes, heart disease and cancer, guys who snore also are at risk of heart disease and I guess the stress of your job and doing up a spare house is not particularly good for you either.

Going to the gym, get mobile and play with the kids is not unreasonable surely?

[Bromeo]

Op,

 

I want you to read my thread, all 110 posts. Our situations, age, and circumstances are very similar. I want you to read all the good advice I disregarded, think about all the actions and efforts you want to make, and how my ex crushed me for months with games and bs. Then I want you to pat yourself on the back that you aren't me, and can benefit from my tale of woe. Then I want you to keep nc with this woman until the second coming of JEEZUS.

 

If you keep down this road, it will happen to you exactly the same. Look at what happened in my case, and how long it's taken me to bounce back.

 

Be safe.

[breadbin]

And those are bad things? Sounds like a woman who has your best interests at heart

YOU are now 40 you need to start looking after your health, overweight guys get diabetes, heart disease and cancer, guys who snore also are at risk of heart disease and I guess the stress of your job and doing up a spare house is not particularly good for you either.

Going to the gym, get mobile and play with the kids is not unreasonable surely?

 

I know she cares about me. I don't dispute that she did it for my own good but there are ways and means of supporting someone. I felt I could do nothing right. If I did 10 miles on the bike she would say and why didn't you go for a swim. You had plenty time in the afternoon. I finally went to a counsellor about the job stress and she said he wasn't the right one! She never met him. What happened to loving someone warts an' all anyway? Why did she have to want to change me so bad. I think it is a control thing. She wanted it so bad she ended it?