will there be any contact with my ex? [UPDATE:I got all the answers]

March 30, 2017

You also need to recognize that what she posts on social media isn't going to be a bunch of mopey feelings. You're getting the best subset of herself and what she wants to portray about herself.

The other things mentioned are also true, but I've never broken up with a girl and not felt sad about it for a while.

Personally, my ex took her Valentine's day post about me on Facebook down from her wall. Picture of me at her grandparent's with a heart drawn around and a caption about how wonderful I am. The picture still exists, as far as I can tell because I'm still tagged in it, but it's like she swept it under the rug for whatever reason. It stung for a couple hours, but I realized that this is just her way of distancing herself and it frankly isn't any of my business. If she's genuinely callous enough to not have felt anything and to have led me on to the extent that she did in that hypothetical scenario, it's a far bigger reflection on her than it is on me.

What you felt for your ex is real, and that isn't something she can take away from you. Take some solace in the fact that she thinks about you and probably feels some sorrow over breaking up. But remember to acknowledge that she broke up with you for a reason, and that's really all we have to go off of.

March 30, 2017

Sometimes those huge stabs can be a blessing in that it helps you accept finality and forces you to move on. It hurts because I've been in that situation and I know the feeling -- blood draining from my body, jaw feeling springy and knees feeling like they're about to buckle.

It's hard to see them move on but in time you're going to start feeling excited and hopeful about your own journey.

Oh what a feeling!

I thought I could handle it. I thought I had turned a corner and was looking forward to a girlfriend that wouldn't bolt after the first argument, miscommunication, whatever...

Nope.

There's still some things I have to work through.

March 30, 2017

You also need to recognize that what she posts on social media isn't going to be a bunch of mopey feelings. You're getting the best subset of herself and what she wants to portray about herself.

My best friend called social media "fake news."

Once, I was at the beach as the sun was going down, and about twenty different people showed up for selfies with the setting sun.

March 30, 2017

Oh what a feeling!

I thought I could handle it. I thought I had turned a corner and was looking forward to a girlfriend that wouldn't bolt after the first argument, miscommunication, whatever...

Nope.

There's still some things I have to work through.

It's a continuous journey. After a bad breakup with a diagnosed narcissist (found out towards the end of our relationship), I remained single for about 4 years. Found myself renewed, somewhat enlightened and recently ready to date again. And now realizing it's an on-going learning process. But I think no matter how much "work" we do, there's always the potential of disappointment and hurt, and the possibility of making bad decisions. It's never going to be a perfect science.

So, don't be hard on yourself. It won't always be this way. Thankfully it was a short relationship. And while it doesn't mean it hurts any less, I think you'll be on your feet in no time!

March 30, 2017

It's a continuous journey. After a bad breakup with a diagnosed narcissist (found out towards the end of our relationship), I remained single for about 4 years. Found myself renewed, somewhat enlightened and recently ready to date again. And now realizing it's an on-going learning process. But I think no matter how much "work" we do, there's always the potential of disappointment and hurt, and the possibility of making bad decisions. It's never going to be a perfect science.

So, don't be hard on yourself. It won't always be this way. Thankfully it was a short relationship. And while it doesn't mean it hurts any less, I think you'll be on your feet in no time!

I was with a girl for six years that was an emotional powder keg. She just couldn't work out her anger issues, and I was emotionally spent by the time I left. I took some time off from dating too, and thought I'd found a sweet girl from a great family. It was a brief, passionate relationship I thought was building towards "I love you" not "goodbye."

Turned out she has her issues, and I wasn't prepared for her ultra-sensitive, ultra-defensive default setting, or inability to work through conflict.

I firmly believe I was the best possible self I've ever been while dating this girl.

But like you said, it's not a perfect science and we are going to make bad decisions.

Thank you for the kind words and I hope your wounds are healing up nicely.

March 31, 2017

Social media is completely fake news. So easy to hide how you're feeling. The ones that fail at it are the ones that like/retweet/post about a lost love or anything remotely close to a breakup.

March 31, 2017

Babe, you know there's like a bajillion red flags there right? Like she's a bit of a headcase. And a headcase long distance is going to be five thousand times multiplied if you were in a situation geographically closer. Because if she can't manage her emotions and to hide her crazy from you when you aren't even there she sure as hell cant manage it for long if you'd moved to be closer together and you're in her face, part of her real world all the time.

This was always going to happen. Drama and breaking up and if you let her she'll keep dragging you in to do it over and over again until you don't know which way is up.

If you statistically are due to lose one. I bet you a beer pretty soon you're grateful it's this one.

And I don't believe for one minute you will remember her every day on your birthday, jeebus. Stop over romanticising and for gods sake block her permanently and heal up fast so you can meet someone who's crazy in the good way

March 31, 2017

This is why no contact is sometimes the least painful. Dumpers are ready to move on, unlike the dumpee, so they feel free again. It's not easy to watch.

Yep.

She hashtagged freedom.

Omg you guys cannot be this naive to this crap? It's like manipulative ex girlfriend 101: use social media to make him see how happy you are without him thus making him feel like total crap because he's doing the right sane thing and still feeling crappy. It is also clearly an effort to detract from the fact she let her crazy show, like look, I'm normal and happy and posting super weird stuff on social media to prove it.

Honey, it is all aimed at torturing you and keeping you emotionally invested in her. And very precisely calculated for maximum effect and completely fake. This is how she operates.

Do yourself a favour and block her from everything.

March 31, 2017

Babe, you know there's like a bajillion red flags there right? Like she's a bit of a headcase. And a headcase long distance is going to be five thousand times multiplied if you were in a situation geographically closer. Because if she can't manage her emotions and to hide her crazy from you when you aren't even there she sure as hell cant manage it for long if you'd moved to be closer together and you're in her face, part of her real world all the time.

This was always going to happen. Drama and breaking up and if you let her she'll keep dragging you in to do it over and over again until you don't know which way is up.

If you statistically are due to lose one. I bet you a beer pretty soon you're grateful it's this one.

And I don't believe for one minute you will remember her every day on your birthday, jeebus. Stop over romanticising and for gods sake block her permanently and heal up fast so you can meet someone who's crazy in the good way

Thank you so much for this post.

Since I've left the "love bubble", I've been able to look at things more objectively. She was in a physically abusive relationship, and said she wasn't always the best wife. It irritated me that she was defending her ex and blaming herself.

However, I learned later on that he didn't touch her for the first four years they were together. The abuse started during their first year of marriage. She said he was wasn't good with money, and couldn't stand it that he was an "adulterer." My guess is that he didn't wake up feeling guilty about his adultery, and decide to hit her. My guess is that she reminded him of it, among other things. I am NOT condoning him hitting her, but it's a possibility that she pushed him until he snapped. I'm not saying he wasn't an a-hole that belittled her. I'm just guessing he would have struck her sooner if that was his nature. I couldn't find any information on when spousal abuse begins in relationships, so I could be way off base here.

Thank you for the subsequent post regarding manipulative ex girlfriend 101. I think I took Introduction to Spanish or something like that instead...

March 31, 2017

Thank you so much for this post.

Since I've left the "love bubble", I've been able to look at things more objectively. She was in a physically abusive relationship, and said she wasn't always the best wife. It irritated me that she was defending her ex and blaming herself.

However, I learned later on that he didn't touch her for the first four years they were together. The abuse started during their first year of marriage. She said he was wasn't good with money, and couldn't stand it that he was an "adulterer." My guess is that he didn't wake up feeling guilty about his adultery, and decide to hit her. My guess is that she reminded him of it, among other things. I am NOT condoning him hitting her, but it's a possibility that she pushed him until he snapped. I'm not saying he wasn't an a-hole that belittled her. I'm just guessing he would have struck her sooner if that was his nature. I couldn't find any information on when spousal abuse begins in relationships, so I could be way off base here.

Thank you for the subsequent post regarding manipulative ex girlfriend 101. I think I took Introduction to Spanish or something like that instead...

I know it's really hard. But even this thinking is a bit of a trap. Trying to understand the reasons for too long can keep you invested in them. In your case I think it's really hard for you because this had barely started and was long distance - so there's still this element of fantasy dream girl.

But keep yourself grounded. She isn't or she wouldn't behave as she did.

Objectively, this is really weird stuff to have confided in someone you have just met. Most people do not confide like that in someone they have just started dating. I think it's been used as a manouver to draw you in and feel special and like a white knight. Not conciously. Just part of who she is and how she operates.

If she's the type I suspect.

Then I would be questioning the veracity of every soap opera like sob story painting her as the damsel in distress she ever told you. The truth would be something a lot less one sided and less dramatic.

I think broke up with you because she wanted to be single to enjoy the attention of the guy that was there in person and because you are far less easy to manipulate than most.

I mean for Christ sake, you essentially were not contactable for all of two hours after she'd been acting suspect and she's pulling out the waterworks and dumping you??

That is absolutely not a proportional response.

Also to the Spanish comment - I laughed so loud my dog woke up and looked at me reproachfully

Edited March 31, 2017 by EmilyJane

April 2, 2017

You know...

If she is/was/maybe was doing something shady, and she acted like that to me.

This would have been the convo..."OK, see you in the next life."

If you are in a relationship and someone treats you that way, just end it.

You will be fine.

As I get distance from this breakup, what bothers me more than the heartbreak is how I handled things. In my defense, I had fallen in love with her, and was about to tell her on our birthday. I was completely blindsided by the breakup.

However, now that it's over, I wish I had done exactly what you said Bluespower. It's funny because I did something similar when a chick I was making a special trip for, made a date five days before my arrival.

She said it was a friendly thing, but her telling me she wouldn't be available for texts said otherwise.

So I ended it.

It turned out to be rather innocent, the guy was angling for a job in her department and she was in charge of hiring.

That knee jerk reaction, and it's consequences, was why I allowed my ex to have male friend stay with her for the weekend.

If the former hadn't happened, I would have told my current ex that I'm seeing too many red flags and I'm outta of here.

or

I would have told her hell no, and questioned her reasoning as to why she would even ask me if he could stay with her in the first place.

I regret that I broke NC for the first time with an ex - ever.

I got through cancelled plans, and our shared birthday, but texted her 12 days later wanting a proper explanation. I got nothing. Rehashing a fight is never a good strategy for reconciliation BTW...

What did get her to break NC was when I asked her if she messed around with her friend that weekend he was in town.

THAT was what did it.

Never mind she ripped my heart in two unexpectedly. What was important to her was that I think she's a "good girl" who would never do such a thing, and that she didn't try to sabotage me, and that she "personally" couldn't handle my reactions.

I didn't respond.

It did feel kinda good to get under her skin, and have that be our coda.

I saved a little bit of my pride.

So, if anyone here is thinking about breaking no contact - don't.

Take the pain and walk away with your head held high.

April 7, 2017

To pick up a specialty product from a vendor.

I can only get it there. If I special order it from someplace else, I won't make the window to start the job.

This situation was a good thing before the breakup.

I'll be about five blocks from the building where she works.

This really sucks.

I was feeling pretty good too.

April 7, 2017

It really was as simple as another rooster in my henhouse.

I don't think she went into that weekend deliberately trying to tank us.

However, she was setting things in motion to check things out with this guy. I don't know their relationship, but she was comfortable enough with him for him to stay the night at her place. How many guys can you say that about that aren't gay?

She was the one that suggested I should stay home that weekend to save money for our Orlando trip.

Enter this guy that just so happens to be leaving his girlfriend. He makes a beeline straight to my ex girlfriend...

Me and my ex-girlfriend have an argument, and this guy is in her apartment holding her hand the whole time. He's telling her things like, "it's too early to be having these problems."

That's exactly what she said to me the next day when we broke up.

Bottom line:

I was the guy standing in the way of who she really wanted to be with. That's why I didn't hear from her on my birthday. That's why she got defensive, instead of trying to smooth things out.

April 8, 2017

It really was as simple as another rooster in my henhouse.

I don't think she went into that weekend deliberately trying to tank us.

However, she was setting things in motion to check things out with this guy. I don't know their relationship, but she was comfortable enough with him for him to stay the night at her place. How many guys can you say that about that aren't gay?

She was the one that suggested I should stay home that weekend to save money for our Orlando trip.

Enter this guy that just so happens to be leaving his girlfriend. He makes a beeline straight to my ex girlfriend...

Me and my ex-girlfriend have an argument, and this guy is in her apartment holding her hand the whole time. He's telling her things like, "it's too early to be having these problems."

That's exactly what she said to me the next day when we broke up.

Bottom line:

I was the guy standing in the way of who she really wanted to be with. That's why I didn't hear from her on my birthday. That's why she got defensive, instead of trying to smooth things out.

Yes.

I can't remember how long you said you were together, but if it helps it takes about half the length of the relationship to get over someone. More if you were married, living together, have children or there were traumatic features.

No matter what you do it will get easier.

I think part of what's happened is she had a strong need for validation and this was too hard to get long distance. I think you've had a lucky escape.

She would have been extremely high maintenance emotionally.

April 12, 2017

Turns out the "friend" she invited to stay the weekend with her was an ex-boyfriend from when she used to live in Alabama. She had mentioned him, and when I asked what happened there she replied, "she moved away."

She was feeling me at the time and I didn't think much of it. She had taken a job in Florida, and was living with her parents when I met her. She got a condo shortly after we started dating and began posting pics of it on Instagram.

She got her hair and nails done, and suggested that I stay home that weekend to save for our birthday trip. She then asked if her friend could stay with her for the weekend while his gf moved out.

That was a BIG red flag.

I should have known better. I should have jumped in the truck and drove out there to be with her so that I could cock-block this guy. For crying out loud, he was driving there from another state, and could have stayed with anybody while his GF moved out - if that story wasn't just a smokescreen. He was after some P, so why not go for it?

He'd been with her before, and they were either still on good terms, he dumped her, or it ended amicably.

Anyway, you can read my first post if you want to know exactly what happened on fight night, but long story short, she wanted to check this guy out again. She had me as a given, and if this guy was nice to her, she could decide what she wanted to do.

Fair enough when dating - not so cool when you are a couple.

My co-worker found all this out on the ex's Facebook because she recently put it back up. She was the one who found out who this "friend" was.

The ex put that relationship back on like an old shirt. I doubt they played dominos when he spent the night with her. In my last text to her I asked her straight up if they messed around.

She sent this:

"I'm not that kind of person. I would never do either one of those things. I'm sorry it did not work out between us but I would not try to sabotage you. I just personally could not handle the previous reaction or these continued reactions. I wish you the best of luck. But please do not continue to accuse me of things. Thank You."

What utter BS! She had no right to turn this around on me when she was the one entertaining an ex-boyfriend! That's why I didn't hear from her again on our mutual birthday. Instead of out of town "me", it's out of town "him" now. He gets the texts I used to, and the goodies on the weekend.

She was able to walk away because I was replaced.

In an instant.

I guess what hurts the most is that I could never take her back after what she did to me. It's the single most conniving, and dishonest stunt a girlfriend has ever pulled on me. We were doing great until this guy showed back up. That doesn't mean I blame him...of course I blame her. He might not have even known about me.

So yeah, I know...bullet dodged.

She's trash.

Still sucks.

April 14, 2017

I know you keep viewing him like he was a predator but, I'm pretty sure she's the instigator in this, I think she did go in meaning to cheat.

That's why she can't handle you calling her out on it.

The lady doth protest too much methinks

I think you were the distraction from the main attraction. To feel wanted. Because he wasn't willing to go to the lengths she wanted to be with her.

Some women cannot handle for men to not be willing to sacrifice everything, including their own best interests, to not think they are the most perfect wonderful adorable woman in the world. This dude was the one that got away because he didn't do that and seems to be a prize *******.

You are smart and honest and very strong willed and direct and loving and intensely romantic with good boundaries. You have a strong sense of who you are and what is right and the fact that you are secure in your place in the world probably means you're pretty successful in life.

So you didn't hit the need for her to feel slightly unwanted so she could be validated by the drama.

Because you aren't a crazy person.

I bet she even feels a bit empty without the drama and slightly inferior. She's clearly deeply insecure.

None of which helps I know.

I'm so sorry. Just so sorry.

It does suck.

For what it is worth there are a zillion women looking for exactly you and only finding emotionally stunted alcoholic man children.

Temper that passionate desire to have someone to love with such perfect romantic love with some grounded reality and you will not fall victim to such women again.

Real love grows. It's not just add water. When someone is too ready for a fall in love until death do us part near instant committed relationship despite obvious barriers like long distance it's a big red flag.

I suspect for you when it happens it will creep up on you.

My advice is honestly to take it really really slow. Because I do the same silly thing as you and I've learnt my lesson well.

Edited April 15, 2017 by EmilyJane

April 15, 2017

don't beat yourself up about what you should have done. nobody knows what the outcome would have been if you drove over there and cock-blocked her. probably the same as now in my opinion. the guy ex is not the one you have to feel the anger for. she wanted him there remember. he didn't put a gun to her head. she did the cheating and that is unforgiveable. you deserve better than her. way better!

oh and emilyjane, if you meet any of these zillion women send them in our direction;)

April 15, 2017

don't beat yourself up about what you should have done. nobody knows what the outcome would have been if you drove over there and cock-blocked her. probably the same as now in my opinion. the guy ex is not the one you have to feel the anger for. she wanted him there remember. he didn't put a gun to her head. she did the cheating and that is unforgiveable. you deserve better than her. way better!

oh and emilyjane, if you meet any of these zillion women send them in our direction;)

Thanks breadbin.

I wrote a big long reply to EmilyJane, but the site hung up and it was deleted. Oh well, no worries. I'm getting tired of talking about it, which is a good thing.

I'm glad I didn't drive out there the night we had the fight and her ex was staying with her. I can bench press 315lbs three times, and as gratifying as it would have been to throw him off the balcony, that would have been a case of misdirected anger. Plus, I've seen enough episodes of the show "COPS" to not want to be THAT guy.

What he said EmilyJane. I'd like one with an Australian accent. If you can't swing that, I'll settle for one with a Scottish accent.

Edited April 15, 2017 by airborne3502

April 16, 2017

don't beat yourself up about what you should have done. nobody knows what the outcome would have been if you drove over there and cock-blocked her. probably the same as now in my opinion. the guy ex is not the one you have to feel the anger for. she wanted him there remember. he didn't put a gun to her head. she did the cheating and that is unforgiveable. you deserve better than her. way better!

oh and emilyjane, if you meet any of these zillion women send them in our direction;)

Thanks breadbin.

I wrote a big long reply to EmilyJane, but the site hung up and it was deleted. Oh well, no worries. I'm getting tired of talking about it, which is a good thing.

I'm glad I didn't drive out there the night we had the fight and her ex was staying with her. I can bench press 315lbs three times, and as gratifying as it would have been to throw him off the balcony, that would have been a case of misdirected anger. Plus, I've seen enough episodes of the show "COPS" to not want to be THAT guy.

What he said EmilyJane. I'd like one with an Australian accent. If you can't swing that, I'll settle for one with a Scottish accent.

Hahahaha.

It's always the decent guys who don't seem to be aware of how awesome they are. You two will be fine.

I can only really help with the Australian accent guys, not many Scottish women around here. More actual sunshine than Scotland tho.

But not for guys who let the site get in the way of replying to me!

April 16, 2017

But not for guys who let the site get in the way of replying to me!

Since I'm not one to disappoint a lady, and I want my Australian chick, I'll recap what I wrote.

I think she did go in meaning to cheat.

I don't think so.

This is where I sound like that clueless, pathetic, mope that holds the shield of denial in front of their ex and protects them even with a dagger protruding from their back.

She could have cheated anytime, and I would have been none the wiser. She was in constant communication that weekend, with sexy texts, and pics. It was very important to her that I was cool with things. I think she had convinced herself that what she was doing was perfectly acceptable because she was being "transparent." She even asked if I was OK the morning of fight night because I sounded bummed. She took her friend to dinner the night before to a local restaurant that was sort of "our place." She claimed it was a group thing, and that she took her sister and her husband there too, but it still stung because I should have been there, and her "friend's" visit was already more than I had bargained for. I played it off that it was some work thing bothering me.

That's why she can't handle you calling her out on it.

The lady doth protest too much methinks

Of course. She knows she lied to me, and absolutely sabotaged things that weekend. She slipped right into an emotional affair that was by design and arranged by her. I'm glad I grew a spine, and lost my cool about it.

I think you were the distraction from the main attraction. To feel wanted. Because he wasn't willing to go to the lengths she wanted to be with her.

Again, I'll sound clueless, ( No really, she liked me! ) but this chick was seriously into me. I'd catch her staring at me sometimes, and she'd ask what I was doing with her. My answer was always the same: You know.

I think she liked that she could "summon" this guy to show off how great her life was going since she moved away. She wanted him to see the beachfront town she lives in, her new condo, ( that I helped paint ), and her hair and nails.

That's just my opinion. She knew exactly what she was doing, but I don't think she predicted the slippery slope she put us on, or what the final outcome would be. We had made big plans for the upcoming week.

You are smart and honest and very strong willed and direct and loving and intensely romantic with good boundaries. You have a strong sense of who you are and what is right and the fact that you are secure in your place in the world probably means you're pretty successful in life.

Please continue...

I think she tried to hack my Facebook by sending me a fake friend request, which I declined. She's all over her Instagram now posting how great her life is, but you pointed out that I shouldn't pay any attention to that charade. My coworker gives me updates since I don't look for myself anymore. She's like a loyal attack dog, and wants to message my ex and tell her that she knows what she is, and call her out on her BS. I told her to leave it alone.

The day after we broke up, her ex-boyfriend made his primary pic on Facebook the one my ex took of him in front of her building from when they ate lunch together by the pier. I consider that his "victory" post.

I found it interesting that my ex didn't like the pic though...hmmmm.

Edited April 16, 2017 by airborne3502

April 16, 2017

Since I'm not one to disappoint a lady, and I want my Australian chick, I'll recap what I wrote.

I don't think so.

This is where I sound like that clueless, pathetic, mope that holds the shield of denial in front of their ex and protects them even with a dagger protruding from their back.

She could have cheated anytime, and I would have been none the wiser. She was in constant communication that weekend, with sexy texts, and pics. It was very important to her that I was cool with things. I think she had convinced herself that what she was doing was perfectly acceptable because she was being "transparent." She even asked if I was OK the morning of fight night because I sounded bummed. She took her friend to dinner the night before to a local restaurant that was sort of "our place." She claimed it was a group thing, and that she took her sister and her husband there too, but it still stung because I should have been there, and her "friend's" visit was already more than I had bargained for. I played it off that it was some work thing bothering me.

Of course. She knows she lied to me, and absolutely sabotaged things that weekend. She slipped right into an emotional affair that was by design and arranged by her. I'm glad I grew a spine, and lost my cool about it.

Again, I'll sound clueless, ( No really, she liked me! ) but this chick was seriously into me. I'd catch her staring at me sometimes, and she'd ask what I was doing with her. My answer was always the same: You know.

I think she liked that she could "summon" this guy to show off how great her life was going since she moved away. She wanted him to see the beachfront town she lives in, her new condo, ( that I helped paint ), and her hair and nails.

That's just my opinion. She knew exactly what she was doing, but I don't think she predicted the slippery slope she put us on, or what the final outcome would be. We had made big plans for the upcoming week.

Please continue...

I think she tried to hack my Facebook by sending me a fake friend request, which I declined. She's all over her Instagram now posting how great her life is, but you pointed out that I shouldn't pay any attention to that charade. My coworker gives me updates since I don't look for myself anymore. She's like a loyal attack dog, and wants to message my ex and tell her that she knows what she is, and call her out on her BS. I told her to leave it alone.

The day after we broke up, her ex-boyfriend made his primary pic on Facebook the one my ex took of him in front of her building from when they ate lunch together by the pier. I consider that his "victory" post.

I found it interesting that my ex didn't like the pic though...hmmmm.

Haha I'm so not going to continue since it's clearly unnecesary at this point.

Ok fair play, I can see your arguments and you're the one that is in the situation so are by definition the expert.

I guess this means I have to magic up the perfect Australian woman for you ...

So tall or petite? Sexy or wholesome? Blonde or brunette? Ambitious or easygoing? Cuddly or Independant? Cheeky or mature? Arty and down to earth, elegant and intellectual, bad girl or girl next door, Music or sports? Wants a family and 2.4 vs free spirit? Like you'll have to give me some parameters here.

Why Aussie or Scottish anyway?

The co worker has a huge little girl crush on you, you know this right? Which you clearly don't reciprocate as you're describing her like that, be a good dude and let her know you don't need the updates if you don't want to encourage her k?

She's using it as an in to feel closer to you, to deepen the sense of intimate involvement and connection and feeling needed.

She's at the age pretty much anything can be seen as evidence of returned feelings. Poor little bit. Don't you let her get away with herself and feel embarrassed since it's a work thing.

How old are you anyway. I'm imagining you in your thirties at least from how you talk about her.

Edited April 16, 2017 by EmilyJane

April 16, 2017

Interesting..

I read thru this thread and this is what I feel about the situation and is my opinion.

You've only known this person for a couple months and you took stock and believed everything she said. I'm sorry, but personally the person is still in the evaluating process for me and it was too early in the dating process to pull such a stunt.

You've created a mentality that saying "NO" is showing insecurity, when in fact you saying YES was insecurity. You were too afraid to express you did not like the situation and eventually it came out later which exposed your insecurity of you not being direct or forward about the situation. (You assume she was simply giving him a place to stay and it wasn't going to be another guy courting her around) In the same situation, I would say "NO" specially after the "friend" just "broke up" and may try to seek comfort with the opposite sex quickly.

I was in a similar situation and said "Yes" simply because I did trust the other person for years and would expect our boundaries would be respected and when they broke those boundaries I dumped them, because more than likely they will break the those boundaries again and disrespect me and our relationship.

Out of the blue, she asks me if a male friend, going through a breakup, can stay at her place for a few days while his girlfriend moves out. I’m aware of how unattractive insecurity is, so I said sure. I trusted my girl. You have to have trust or there isn’t anything.

So the guy wants to stay over another females house while his girlfriend moves out OF HIS PLACE and should have been ample enough information to say 'NO" its not ok with me, "but its your place." From there you can decide what YOU are going to do. This is NOT insecurity. This is expressing your boundaries.

Take this as constructive criticism, but you only knew this person for a couple of months and this is a LDR right? No matter how in love you may feel with the person, they are only going to show the best of them. In a nut shell, you use the idea that expressing how you feel as being unattractive to women, yet not putting your foot down is also unattractive to women.

I texted that I wasn’t invited to this event, and she said, she didn’t know it was happening. I explained that her telling me all the stuff she’s doing with this guy and how we should get out more is messed up. I was really irritated. It was about 930, and I turned off my phone while I calmed down. After about thirty minutes I turned it back on, because communication is key in any relationship. While it was off, she explained that her parents had given out a bunch of tickets, and that a large group of people had gone. She texted how she went outside the arena, tried to call, and was upset that my phone was turned off.

Yet, your exe was lying and gas-lighting you. Giving you partial truths.

I believe you have used the name "Corey Wayne" in another thread (I could be wrong). I hope you didn't. The guy that charges $1000 an hour to Skype with(audio only). As he promotes a "Insecurity" theory to men that lets women walk all over them. As another member said here... some people are good at shifting power, blame, and gas-lighting and combined with the thinking of guys like Corey Wayne you will quickly put your self in a scenario where your new found security will be exploited by the other person. The S.O. will constantly push boundaries and you will grit and suppress your feeling all for the greater good? The greater good of who? Once you feel uncomfortable express your uncomfortable..NO argument has to transpire.. if they disrespect your wishes.. LET THEM GO.

You would have avoided a WHOLE BUNCH OF DRAMA and fighting and all things she is throwing back at you.. you supplied the ammunition.

You have no control over her feelings and neither does she... when another man is waking up in her condo making her eggs and pancakes for her because its a nice gesture and going out to hockey games and what not... its not that you don't trust her... it simply you have approved a stage for another person to perform. This person being an exe and she straight out lied to you because she did not wanted you to know! BECAUSE no guy in their right mind would allow an ex to drive from another state to stay at her CONDO..

Do you think its ok for your ex to drive from another state to stay at your place, after she broke up with her boyfriend.. Hells no.

You're being played guy and its masked in innocence, victimization, and manipulation like crying (because she used it to defuse an conversation that should have been resolved like adults). Its very well she may have triggers, but you too must be respected and meet half way.

She was about to start crying, and I knew ole boy was staying with her, so I backed off.

Yes, this is what children do to defuse a situation or get their way. Grown adults who cry to defuse a situation is a RED FLAG.

I fell asleep and she called me. She was very upset and it was like no conversation I’ve ever had with her before. She was really mad about the phone thing, so I apologized and asked her how she would have felt if the roles were reversed. She said I sounded like her ex-husband, (a cheater, and a total d-bag).

Do you know the ex-husband? Do you know the situation entirely. No you don't. Maybe the guy was a douche and this was a douche she made a decision to be with and noting that she already had you fired up to "throw someone off a balcony" I wonder if her continues behavior of being too close to other men push the Ex-husband over the edge. (not approving this behavior though)

It was surreal. I’d never said any of that stuff to her before.

Again, if you felt sooo unsecured and jumpy about the whole scenario within the time frame of a couple months. How are you not sure the ex-husband didn't feel the same way for the length of the marriage?

In the whole mist of things... nothing seems right or connected . The cost of driving from Georgia down to Florida and back.. you could stay in an affordable hotel for a couple days. I think you have a though process like me.. as it may take a couple days to connect information together and question it.

I agree with blues as well to end it the minute shady behavior transpires.

"I'm not that kind of person. I would never do either one of those things. I'm sorry it did not work out between us but I would not try to sabotage you. I just personally could not handle the previous reaction or these continued reactions. I wish you the best of luck. But please do not continue to accuse me of things. Thank You."

Manipulation, blame shift, and guilt shifting. I have a feeling all the men in her relationships was dealt the same blow.

Again this is my opinion and view and to be taken with a grain of salt.. best of luck

Edited April 16, 2017 by Sweetfish

April 16, 2017

I was just about to order an Australian chick from EmilyJane when I noticed your thoughtful and insightful reply.

First off, thanks for taking the time to wade through that mess.

You've created a mentality that saying "NO" is showing insecurity, when in fact you saying YES was insecurity. You were too afraid to express you did not like the situation and eventually it came out later which exposed your insecurity of you not being direct or forward about the situation. (You assume she was simply giving him a place to stay and it wasn't going to be another guy courting her around) In the same situation, I would say "NO" specially after the "friend" just "broke up" and may try to seek comfort with the opposite sex quickly.

Hindsight being what it is, I know I screwed up. But one thing I haven't mentioned is that my ego didn't allow me to believe that some guy could just waltz in there and steal her away from me.

Take this as constructive criticism, but you only knew this person for a couple of months and this is a LDR right? No matter how in love you may feel with the person, they are only going to show the best of them. In a nut shell, you use the idea that expressing how you feel as being unattractive to women, yet not putting your foot down is also unattractive to women.

I honestly didn't give enough thought to what I was agreeing to. I didn't see the iceberg dead ahead.

I believe you have used the name "Corey Wayne" in another thread (I could be wrong).

I don't know who that is. I personally wouldn't give a class on being a doormat.

You have no control over her feelings and neither does she... when another man is waking up in her condo making her eggs and pancakes for her because its a nice gesture and going out to hockey games and what not... its not that you don't trust her... it simply you have approved a stage for another person to perform. This person being an exe and she straight out lied to you because she did not wanted you to know! BECAUSE no guy in their right mind would allow an ex to drive from another state to stay at her CONDO..

I didn't realize what I agreed to until I was neck deep in it.

Do you know the ex-husband? Do you know the situation entirely. No you don't. Maybe the guy was a douche and this was a douche she made a decision to be with and noting that she already had you fired up to "throw someone off a balcony" I wonder if her continues behavior of being too close to other men push the Ex-husband over the edge. (not approving this behavior though)

Again, if you felt sooo unsecured and jumpy about the whole scenario within the time frame of a couple months. How are you not sure the ex-husband didn't feel the same way for the length of the marriage?

This is an astute observation. I'm very impressed. I finally rolled around to this myself. According to her, at one point in her marriage, her ex-husband choked her out. Now, I've been in enough fights to know that level of violence transcends fighting. That is wanting to KILL someone. Her actions that weekend leave everything she ever said under a cloud of suspicion. Her ex-husband was the model boyfriend for four years, and the abuse started in their first year of marriage? Why the delay? I think the dude snapped, found someone better, and split.

Manipulation, blame shift, and guilt shifting. I have a feeling all the men in her relationships was dealt the same blow.

I do too.

The men after me will be dealt the same blow too. She puts on this amazing persona of this sweet, innocent, Christian girl. She's the stereotypical bird with a broken wing. You feel like a healer, when it's more than likely all part of her game.

Again this is my opinion and view and to be taken with a grain of salt.. best of luck .

You rock!

Thanks for weighing in. You're right, I didn't put my foot down, but I view it as a happy accident. I wasn't REALLY going to throw someone off a balcony, but I don't like feeling like I want to.

April 17, 2017

P.S. Thank you Sweetfish for the excellent translation of my ex's final text to me.

My initial reaction was:

"Whatever. Like it's all my fault."

And I stuck with that.

However, your point-by-point deconstruction of her BS is exactly why people come here:

"I'm not that kind of person. I would never do either one of those things. I'm sorry it did not work out between us but I would not try to sabotage you. I just personally could not handle the previous reaction or these continued reactions. I wish you the best of luck. But please do not continue to accuse me of things. Thank You."

Manipulation, blame shift, and guilt shifting.

You called it right down the line.

Edited April 17, 2017 by airborne3502

April 18, 2017

It's ok, I'm not sure it would have been legal to mail her to you anyway.

Plus I probably should have pm'd instead of taking your thread off topic.

In his defence Sweetfish, he didn't actually know this guy was her ex until his mildly inappropriate co worker did some pretty intense Facebook stalking.

Airborne do try not to get too far into understanding what happened. Because it makes no difference except to keep your emotions invested. And I think you're trying to find a way of categorising everything that happened in a way that doesn't bruise your ego.

But being able to be fallible and vulnerable is what is going to make you meet someone else. That is your humanity. Humility, ability to be wrong and make mistakes and grow through pain and rejection. You'd probably be insufferable if you didn't have that

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