will there be any contact with my ex? [UPDATE:I got all the answers]

March 16, 2017

You know, sometimes people say what they mean. If she says, her feelings have changed, then likely they have. I dont agree with your friends "translation". No where is it said feelings have to change in less than 24 hours. She could have been feeling this way for weeks, even months.

I get that because I say what I mean. I don't make it a habit of trying to read the relationship tea leaves.

The ex was posting on her Instagram how blessed she was feeling that morning and was blowing up my phone about how excited she was about our upcoming birthday trip, and about what she wanted to do with and to me. We had an argument, our first argument, and she bailed.

Her behavior doesn't make rational sense, but I gave up on trying to figure out women a long time ago.

If she says "Its too early to have these problems", then maybe thats exactly what she means.

Again, after one argument. Most likely she was triggered, and her self-defense mechanism kicked in. She's got some baggage from an abusive relationship. I know this chick was feeling it. I'm positive she wasn't looking for a reason to bail before the argument.

If a girl tells you these things, believe her. If she leaves, let her leave. If she changes her mind and comes back, then have the discussion. But Ive never believed in chasing when someone leaves of their own free will.

I took her at her word, and said goodbye. I've never pursued and never will.

March 16, 2017

I'm a woman too, but I very much disagree with you're friend's interpretation. It sounds more like your friend was trying to tell you what you hope to hear, rather than what your ex actually means.

Unless your ex is a very immature drama Queen, she didn't break up with you just to get your attention. She likely had been thinking about ending it before she actually did, and thus her feelings indeed didn't change overnight. They probably were already changing before you realized it.

It would be much better to take your ex at her word. I'm sure your friend had good intentions but she can't speak for you ex. I would assume instead that your ex sincerely doesn't want to continue the relationship, so that you can accept the decision and begin to move on.

I don't have any illusions or false hope. I'm not going to write a dissertation about how great our relationship was going, but the breakup didn't make much logical sense.

But hey, that's part of relationships. Sometimes you don't get answers and have to accept what is.

March 16, 2017

Expat is right, she definitely meant it. When a woman says her feelings have changed, they've changed and they've been that way for longer than we would ever expect. If she wanted you to pursue her, she wouldn'tve said that. When a woman wants you to pursue her she doesn't end the relationship and tell you she fundamentally isn't into you anymore. Also, women are never "scared" about anything in a relationship unless it's her boyfriend becoming less interested in her and finding another woman or it's because she's so into you that she feels extremely vulnerable. In both these cases she's scared of the prospect of losing him and that implies she is fundamentally invested in him and definitely isn't wanting to break up. This was a complete cop-out from your co-worker.

Also, as a man never consult the women in your life regarding a breakup or things your female ex has done or said. Rarely, if ever, (there's definitely girls here who'll be straight up though) will a woman tell you the real reasons you were dumped or give it to you straight. They simply can't handle hurting you and want to avoid being the bearer of bad news to preserve themselves and their image as a collective sex at all costs. No woman will tell you, "she just didn't really want to **** you anymore", because that would reveal a trait about women they and we (men) have been conditioned to believe is evil or negative, so they'll just give you advice they believe they should give and advice they know you want to hear.

Every break up I've had, my mother and sister, female co-workers, every girl I speak to tells me to pursue her and "make my feelings known". It's absolute garbage and comes across almost like they're intentionally trying to sabotage me and make me miserable, but of course they're not. Gosh girls are great:D:D:D

Edited March 16, 2017 by hunk

March 16, 2017

What was your argument over? Give us some honest details about the argument...

March 17, 2017

I was recently dumped by my ex and was really struggling with it.

The thing that was tearing me up was that I couldn't figure out why she did it. No matter how I looked at it, I couldn't make any sense of it. I had pitched a perfect game until I gave up a single in the 9th inning. She wouldn't give me a straight answer on dump night.

There had to be a legitimate reason. Something less vague than my feelings have changed.

Something I hadn't thought of...

Now I pray, but only for others. However, I was in such pain, I was going to break my rule and pray for myself. I was going to ask God to give me the answer, but was afraid he wouldn't give it to me, and I'd be angry at him for it.

So I didn't.

Anyway, I was at gym doing bench press. In between sets the answer hit me like a bolt of lightning.

My ex is still in love with her ex-husband!

Now I'm not going to list all the evidence here, but it's pretty much an open and shut case. However, the biggest pieces of evidence are these:

She was physically abused and cheated on by her ex-husband. She never left. He had to leave her for another woman before it ended. Although they are not talking directly to each other, they are communicating in blatantly obvious ways on social media. They have each other's wedding pictures up on their public profiles for each other to see.

His status on FB is now single.

She doesn't have a FB, but my pic never went up on her Instagram.

She is going to run right back to her abuser because she belongs to him. She is his property. Such is the cycle of the battered woman. If you asked her, she wouldn't admit it. When I asked her if she still had feelings for her ex, that was when she got the most defensive, and overreacted. Her knee-jerk reaction was a pretty big tell. Restraining orders have time limits, and ole boy is coming back.

Oh, and she never told her parents about the abuse, so he'll be right back sitting next to her at Thanksgiving dinner.

As for me, I have inner peace because I can live with that reason.

I was nothing more than an infatuation.

Her and I are on different paths, and I wouldn't want to be on hers.

Amen.

March 17, 2017

Very, very good post - Makes a lot of sense!

March 17, 2017

The Boys Are Back! The Boys Are Back!

March 17, 2017

Bingo. You are spot on. She has without a doubt been "alpha widowed" by her ex husband, and you can take some sort of solace in knowing this status is permanent - she will never fully get over him. Never. No matter who she dates, this man effectively owns her. It wasn't you, it was him.

Now we're making progress my friend. Onto the next conquest my man.

Bigger and hotter things.

March 17, 2017

You got some sophomoric advice from those friends telling you to hound someone who just broke up with you. As long as there were legit reasons for it, something she didn't want to make a long-term life with, then just let her go and move on. If on the other hand, she's someone who just flies off the handle because she's overly emotional, then you just decide if you want to live with THAT and have it parenting your kids, or if she'll maybe grow out of it. But if she's over 21, don't count on her growing out of it. That stuff is for 16 year olds unless it's attached to someone with a personality disorder.

March 17, 2017

You got some sophomoric advice from those friends telling you to hound someone who just broke up with you. As long as there were legit reasons for it, something she didn't want to make a long-term life with, then just let her go and move on. If on the other hand, she's someone who just flies off the handle because she's overly emotional, then you just decide if you want to live with THAT and have it parenting your kids, or if she'll maybe grow out of it. But if she's over 21, don't count on her growing out of it. That stuff is for 16 year olds unless it's attached to someone with a personality disorder.

Its odd, every one but one of my friends told me to chase my ex. If I had listened to her, a very small, very pretty Latina, it would have saved me months of pain and suffering, and I'd be way further along. Shes now shepherded me through two very painful breakups, and I have learned my lesson with this.

A bit of chasing lets them know you love them. I never begged, but I went, looking back, overboard a couple of times. I don't think it pushed her away further, but as sweetfish wisely pointed out in a recent post on PLT's thread, she had buried her feelings for me rather deep at that point. lol

preaph is spot on. My most recent ex was overly emotional, would abandon our relationship at every chance, and would go to extremes. Very toxic, and I doubt she will ever grow out of it. My father rather pointedly told me that a marriage to her would be a disaster.

Just food for thought. Op, yours sounds a bit unstable. Maybe she did you a favor.

March 17, 2017

Your friend is trying to make things better for you, but her advice in incorrect. Never chase and never allow yourself to be someones ping pong ball.

Every time you chase a woman who has dumped you she loses respect for you. Think abou tit, she craps in your face and you come back for more. It shows low self esteem and weakness.

Always walk away, look after yourself and go for other women.

March 20, 2017

I got full closure on the relationship last night.

Some say closure is a thing, some say it isn't, but at least I can quit speculating about things. Is she having regrets? Is she still in love with her abusive ex? Does she just have mental problems?

Yesterday, I sent the ex some texts asking if I was red flagged as an abuser, or if she messed around with her friend Chris when he was in town. I explained the argument that night in greater detail in one of my other posts on LS.

Anyway she sent me this:

"I'm not that kind of person. I would never do either one of those things. I'm sorry it did not work out between us but I would not try to sabotage you. I just personally could not handle the previous reaction or these continued reactions. I wish you the best of luck. But please do not continue to accuse me of things. Thank You."

Well, that's that.

You'd think by reading that, my reaction was that I yelled at her or flipped out. I just didn't like her going to a hockey game with another dude without inviting me or giving me an explanation. She had already texted earlier how she was getting so much more done with her friend Chris than me, but then added it was because, "she couldn't keep me out of the bedroom." I texted her that it was messed up. Turned out her parents gave out tickets to the hockey game at the last minute, and that it was a group thing, but she didn't bother to explain that until I was already irritated. Part of me wishes I had just gone to bed before she texted me that pic of the hockey rink.

I'd still have my girlfriend.

We were all lovey-dovey for 60 days right up until that moment. It was going really, really good. Then she did a 180 on me. I take solace in the fact we didn't get further down the road when this happened. At some point, I wouldn't have stayed "perfect." I've researched people with on/off switches and she was an emotional landmine to say the least.

At least now I can put this behind me.

Edited March 20, 2017 by airborne3502

March 20, 2017

I hope you noticed the message here was that all you wanted to do was have sex but I like to get out and go do things.

March 20, 2017

Part of me wishes I had just gone to bed before she texted me that pic of the hockey rink.

I'd still have my girlfriend.

I thought like this for quite a while - if I just never called him and whined about not seeing him that night, I'd still have my boyfriend. But in my case, it was warranted, and we had other communication issues that would have eventually reared their ugly head.

I think it is common to have this thought pattern though, and it is likely that if it didn't happen this time, it would happen in the future anyway. Would you feel comfortable/secure in a relationship so tenuous that something relatively minor ends everything? To me, this signals it wasn't the right one.

I am glad you have some closure!

March 20, 2017

You know...

If she is/was/maybe was doing something shady, and she acted like that to me.

This would have been the convo..."OK, see you in the next life."

If you are in a relationship and someone treats you that way, just end it.

You will be fine.

March 20, 2017

Turned out her parents gave out tickets to the hockey game at the last minute, and that it was a group thing, but she didn't bother to explain that until I was already irritated.

When a girl leaves out an important detail like that and then turns on you when you respond (appropriately or not) it is a drama factory. She is inviting drama in to serve a purpose that only serves her.

It is a sketchy method of making you the bad guy for her unkind intentions. That would be like you telling your GF...

"I'm going out with Chris to pick up some girls that are here for a Hooters convention."

ANY GF would freak out getting that message from her man.

"Oh btw... I forgot to mention... Chris is my 2nd cousin and the girls we're picking up are his daughters at the airport. They work for the company that supplies Hooters with all their poultry. Chris needed a ride because his car broke down."

When she freaks out (and she will) now you have guilt and power generated because you can now hold "How could you ever think that about me?" over her head. Leaving out an important detail is a method of generating jealousy and distrust which can then be used against you to make you seem like the bad person. She didn't accidentally leave that detail out. It was manipulation. Even if she did just forget to mention that little gem, she could have calmed the situation instantly by telling you at the time and she knows it. Just like explaining you're helping your cousin would have done the same thing in the Hooters example.

Anyone who truly cares about you will go out of their way not to cause you agitation and discomfort. Do you think that is what she did? You cared and she used that against you. It's cruel and unfair. Leave that one behind you... That's exactly where she belongs.

March 20, 2017

When a girl leaves out an important detail like that and then turns on you when you respond (appropriately or not) it is a drama factory. She is inviting drama in to serve a purpose that only serves her.
It is a sketchy method of making you the bad guy for her unkind intentions. That would be like you telling your GF...

"I'm going out with Chris to pick up some girls that are here for a Hooters convention."

ANY GF would freak out getting that message from her man.

"Oh btw... I forgot to mention... Chris is my 2nd cousin and the girls we're picking up are his daughters at the airport. They work for the company that supplies Hooters with all their poultry. Chris needed a ride because his car broke down."

When she freaks out (and she will) now you have guilt and power generated because you can now hold "How could you ever think that about me?" over her head. Leaving out an important detail is a method of generating jealousy and distrust which can then be used against you to make you seem like the bad person. She didn't accidentally leave that detail out. It was manipulation. Even if she did just forget to mention that little gem, she could have calmed the situation instantly by telling you at the time and she knows it. Just like explaining you're helping your cousin would have done the same thing in the Hooters example.

Anyone who truly cares about you will go out of their way not to cause you agitation and discomfort. Do you think that is what she did? You cared and she used that against you. It's cruel and unfair. Leave that one behind you... That's exactly where she belongs.

Wow!

Thank you for that insightful post. I cannot tell you how much better that makes me feel.

I had the distinct feeling I was being F'd with...

March 20, 2017

I hope you noticed the message here was that all you wanted to do was have sex but I like to get out and go do things.

I did things.

I helped paint her apartment. I hooked up her TV antennae so she'd have something to watch in her new place. I gave her all the space she needed, and all the closeness she needed, when her grandmother passed away. I had dinners with her parents, her sister, and went to church with her.

I wanted to see a movie of her choice, but she pulled me into the bedroom.

March 20, 2017

Well, you caught a wee bit of shrapnel, but you dodged a bullet to the heart.

March 20, 2017

Well, you caught a wee bit of shrapnel, but you dodged a bullet to the heart.

I love this place.

March 22, 2017

Wow!

Thank you for that insightful post. I cannot tell you how much better that makes me feel.

I had the distinct feeling I was being F'd with...

Have you ever noticed how catty and nasty women are to each other? Even women they don't even know? You are an even greater source of subconscious "spite" with females. You are guilty by penis association. Haha

Don't expect better behavior from those females whos character meter is below normal. Even if you are/were her lover.

Sometimes it's such a natural act they don't even know they are doing it. (Just fyi, as a male, you can NEVER, EVER point that out to a woman you are dating! Lol) They'll be looking for your body parts for days! Lol

March 30, 2017

So I broke down and checked out the ex's Instagram today - 25 days since she dumped me.

There she is, in Joshua Tree National Park, standing on a rock with her arms in the air like Andy Dufresne at the end of "The Shawshank Redemption."

She wrote that she loves the desert and she loves herself.

She couldn't look happier. She knows I'm from California, and we spoke of her trip to see a girlfriend that lives out there.

That salt in the wound makes me feel so...so...alive.

March 30, 2017

This is why no contact is sometimes the least painful. Dumpers are ready to move on, unlike the dumpee, so they feel free again. It's not easy to watch.

March 30, 2017

This is why no contact is sometimes the least painful. Dumpers are ready to move on, unlike the dumpee, so they feel free again. It's not easy to watch.

Yep.

She hashtagged freedom.

March 30, 2017

Sometimes those huge stabs can be a blessing in that it helps you accept finality and forces you to move on. It hurts because I've been in that situation and I know the feeling -- blood draining from my body, jaw feeling springy and knees feeling like they're about to buckle.

It's hard to see them move on but in time you're going to start feeling excited and hopeful about your own journey.

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will there be any contact with my ex? [UPDATE:I got all the answers]

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