Post-BU, looking back trying to understand

[foofightingguy]

Hi,

 

I posted my original story about a few weeks ago.

I am currently doing NC, 5 weeks strong.

 

However, I do want to ask you for better understanding/opinion of what happened between my breakup and NC.

 

We technically broke up in Sep last year, would still text and meet/hook up. I had always wanted to keep trying because I felt a bond with her I had never had with previous gfs.

She would cry almost every time she saw me or if we bumped into each other. She was hot and cold all over the place. Sometimes she would tell me she loved spending time with me and sometimes she would tell me it's not a good idea to meet since we broke up.

 

Last time we met, which was 5 weeks ago before I started NC, she almost cried as I could see her eyes watered, she told me to not wait anymore and to move on. That night we hooked up again and she joked that it was goodbye sex.

 

I know that she wasn't trying to play with me as she's at a critical point in her young career to go abroad or not.

 

However, all those months prevented me from healing and I clinged on to her.

 

Sometimes I still look back at those few months and think to myself, what was that all about? She still had strong feelings for me right?

[CollegeKid101]

Let it go man. She's young and wants to go abroad and have different experiences. Different experiences being seeing new places and sleeping with other guys..

 

Cut contact for good, she kept having sex and hanging out with you because she was comfortable with it and I'm sure she still liked you, but was no longer in love with you.

 

You'll be alright, you dragged out the process pretty long...cut the cord for good and don't look back.

[mightycpa]

What would you do if you had a car whose engine went hot and cold all the time?

 

You'd fix it, right?

 

People are no different, except you don't fix them. You send them away to find someone that they actually want to be with.

[foofightingguy]

Thanks, I know, which is why I am NC now.

 

Just curious about the mindset of someone doing this.

[d0nnivain]

It was easy, at least easier then meeting someone new. She may have enjoyed the sex. She probably liked you as a person.

 

 

Not all breakups are clean . . .wham it's severed. Some drag out like this.

 

 

When I ended a 10 year relationship it took about 5 months to untangle everything. . . from the day I said its over until the last time we spoke.

[hunk]

If you wanted her back you could've had her. I'm not sure what you're asking, exactly. She was sleeping with you. All you had to do was keep sleeping with her, stop bringing up the relationship and let things naturally progress, as if you were casually seeing her like you were when you first started dating. Deep down this is what she probably wanted too. She wouldn't be sleeping with you if she wasn't attracted to you, but you failed by dwelling on the broken relationship. She sensed this and it turned her off wanting to be with you again. This stuff isn't complicated when you get to the crux of it. If she's in bed with you, she wants you and she wants you to be comfortable and in control of the situation and not start freaking out over things that she should be freaking out about, like the status of your relationship. She needs to be comfortable that you're fine with what's going on and you're not bothered with outcomes, you just enjoy her company.

 

This is how your relationship began, it was the most exciting part of the relationship for her and it's what she wants again. It's what exes want when they come back to you, but everyone ****s it up by dwelling on the past and turning them off. This is only natural, obviously. It's human nature and it's bittersweet.

 

I don't think you were ready to be sleeping with her, which means you weren't and still aren't ready to be with her at the moment.

 

Chalk this up to a learning experience, stay complete NC, sleep with other women and throw yourself into your work and passions, and if she contacts you again, you only respond and see her if you can truthfully admit to yourself you don't care where the relationship goes and you will allow it to evolve naturally, whether that means you get back together (which she has to initiate) or you stay casual FWB.

 

It's all up to you if you want it to be.

[foofightingguy]

If you wanted her back you could've had her. I'm not sure what you're asking, exactly. She was sleeping with you. All you had to do was keep sleeping with her, stop bringing up the relationship and let things naturally progress, as if you were casually seeing her like you were when you first started dating. Deep down this is what she probably wanted too. She wouldn't be sleeping with you if she wasn't attracted to you, but you failed by dwelling on the broken relationship. She sensed this and it turned her off wanting to be with you again. This stuff isn't complicated when you get to the crux of it. If she's in bed with you, she wants you and she wants you to be comfortable and in control of the situation and not start freaking out over things that she should be freaking out about, like the status of your relationship. She needs to be comfortable that you're fine with what's going on and you're not bothered with outcomes, you just enjoy her company.

 

This is how your relationship began, it was the most exciting part of the relationship for her and it's what she wants again. It's what exes want when they come back to you, but everyone ****s it up by dwelling on the past and turning them off. This is only natural, obviously. It's human nature and it's bittersweet.

 

I don't think you were ready to be sleeping with her, which means you weren't and still aren't ready to be with her at the moment.

 

Chalk this up to a learning experience, stay complete NC, sleep with other women and throw yourself into your work and passions, and if she contacts you again, you only respond and see her if you can truthfully admit to yourself you don't care where the relationship goes and you will allow it to evolve naturally, whether that means you get back together (which she has to initiate) or you stay casual FWB.

 

It's all up to you if you want it to be.

 

Thank you for your input.

 

I think you are right, I did f@ck up the following months after the initial break up, I didn't know what was going to happen.

I felt the need to fight for her, which I guess is normal. Somehow I did not regret it as I tried to salvage the relationship and let her know that I wanted her.

 

Anyways, I already sent her an email telling her no hard feelings and I wish her well, and began my NC 5 weeks ago.

 

Whatever happens from now on I leave it to fate, and yes I will try to not have hope and move on to better myself.

[fromheart]

In this situation, you're wanting the relationship but she isn't. In effect you're accepting the scraps from the table, sorry to be so harsh. That gives her all the power. She knows what you want but sees that you are settling for less.

 

Always best to state exactly what you want and if she's indecisive move on with NC, she can call you if she changes her mind.

 

If you want a woman to say 'Yes,' its never going to happen if you settle for an 'I don't know.' You take the power back by walking away, that's how you fight for what you want. When she sees you applying yourself to your life and with other women, she'll probably look you up. I turn them down at that stage, I'm not interested in women who dump me as 9 times out of 10 they will do it again.

[breadbin]

In this situation, you're wanting the relationship but she isn't. In effect you're accepting the scraps from the table, sorry to be so harsh. That gives her all the power. She knows what you want but sees that you are settling for less.

 

Always best to state exactly what you want and if she's indecisive move on with NC, she can call you if she changes her mind.

 

If you want a woman to say 'Yes,' its never going to happen if you settle for an 'I don't know.' You take the power back by walking away, that's how you fight for what you want. When she sees you applying yourself to your life and with other women, she'll probably look you up. I turn them down at that stage, I'm not interested in women who dump me as 9 times out of 10 they will do it again.

 

good advice here. we are both in the same boat. we just have to forget about them and move on. I can say for definite in my situation that when I took the power back by telling her not to text me and not to see me in work she made the biggest move to get back with me.