Me [23 M] with my Girlfriend [21 F] Moving from dating phase to relationship

[goldway90]

The point im making is, so you think i just messed up down the line, specifically last night in asking her these questions? There was definitely something there i felt, but then she wasn't happy with that? I just thought that was the right thing to do, asking her how she's feeling. Guess i won't ever do that again.

 

The thing is you ignored the fact she told you to stop and i i know you're being a good boyfriend but by pushing and asking for more to made things worse. I know you're trying to be nice but you gotta respect other people's feelings too.

 

We all make mistakes though don't be too hard on yourself.

Edited March 14, 2017 by goldway90
add words

[Braytc]

The thing is you ignored the fact she told you to stop and i i know you're being a good boyfriend but by pushing and asking for more to made things worse. I know you're trying to be nice but you gotta respect other people's feelings too.

 

We all make mistakes though don't be too hard on yourself.

 

I guess i did mess up now that i think of it. Thank you for talking me through it. I will try my best to knock off the anxious stuff and let things happen. This just kind of caught me in shock tbh.

[goldway90]

I guess i did mess up now that i think of it. Thank you for talking me through it. I will try my best to knock off the anxious stuff and let things happen. This just kind of caught me in shock tbh.

 

Good attitude i'm sure you'll get better at this don't worry about it. Good luck man.

[Miss Spider]

I totally understand. I'm the same way. Nothinh to do with your attractiveness, to me. I'm sure you really are. It comes out when we really like someone and saw it going somewhere. Just be chill. Give space and go slow. You got options. Good luck x

[Versacehottie]

I was just getting some other opinions because some people said apologize and some dont.

 

Maybe im just bad at this lol. "oh wow, there's a guy that i really think is good looking, i love spending time with him, ill invite him over to my damn house, ill tell everyone about him....but in the end i want nothing with him"

 

Just doesn't add up to me.

 

What you need to understand that is maybe what she said and felt 2 weeks ago. Now she has additional information to form her opinion of you and she may not feel the same. That's not necessarily her being finicky--it's just the information gathering process. You might feel that way after a while of getting to know this girl or some other girl. At first, think it's a good idea and later, not so much.

[Braytc]

I totally understand. I'm the same way. Nothinh to do with your attractiveness, to me. I'm sure you really are. It comes out when we really like someone and saw it going somewhere. Just be chill. Give space and go slow. You got options. Good luck x

 

Yep, it's just when i want something, i want it now. And that works in the real world, but not here. I just can't believe i did that, now i have to work with this situation and it sucks. Sad stuff

[Braytc]

What you need to understand that is maybe what she said and felt 2 weeks ago. Now she has additional information to form her opinion of you and she may not feel the same. That's not necessarily her being finicky--it's just the information gathering process. You might feel that way after a while of getting to know this girl or some other girl. At first, think it's a good idea and later, not so much.

 

I get your point, but that's shocking. Idk what else you "learn" that literally turns the switch from on to off just like that, im very good at displaying myself. Just trying to think of what would actually do that ya know lol

 

This is how i feel it is in my opinion. Girls want attention and want you to ask that kind of stuff and want you to act like you really want them. I thought that was a good thing. They actually like being ignored instead?

Edited March 14, 2017 by Braytc

[Versacehottie]

I get your point, but that's shocking. Idk what else you "learn" that literally turns the switch from on to off just like that, im very good at displaying myself. Just trying to think of what would actually do that ya know lol

 

This is how i feel it is in my opinion. Girls want attention and want you to ask that kind of stuff and want you to act like you really want them. I thought that was a good thing. They actually like being ignored instead?

 

no not exactly.

 

Try to think of this: that is why i asked you how it was making you feel what you claim she is doing to you by being flakey, shady, hot/cold. Does that keep your opinion about her at 100% you like her? does it take you down to 0% when you have doubts about her? No. Probably somewhat in the middle. If things continue to get worse, how much you like her might diminish. That's what probably happening for her. If you are doing things that she considers needy or insecure, her like for you is probably diminishing. It doesn't matter if YOU consider them needy or insecure as you have tried to justified that they are not. Maybe not to you but what matters is how she perceives them.

[Braytc]

no not exactly.

 

Try to think of this: that is why i asked you how it was making you feel what you claim she is doing to you by being flakey, shady, hot/cold. Does that keep your opinion about her at 100% you like her? does it take you down to 0% when you have doubts about her? No. Probably somewhat in the middle. If things continue to get worse, how much you like her might diminish. That's what probably happening for her. If you are doing things that she considers needy or insecure, her like for you is probably diminishing. It doesn't matter if YOU consider them needy or insecure as you have tried to justified that they are not. Maybe not to you but what matters is how she perceives them.

 

That's a good way to put it. I get it. But im just putting it out there, that that's what i was thinking in my mind when i said those things to her. Now im seeing thats not how she looked at it, but you're pretty much saying she wants me to not say a word to her and ignore her, and i find that so weird

[Versacehottie]

That's a good way to put it. I get it. But im just putting it out there, that that's what i was thinking in my mind when i said those things to her. Now im seeing thats not how she looked at it, but you're pretty much saying she wants me to not say a word to her and ignore her, and i find that so weird

 

no that's not what i'm saying. I think you are making assumptions and misinterpreting which might be what happened with this girl too, more importantly than me. It feels very black and white how you are looking at this situation. Of course, you can say anything you want to say--however, the relationship is fluid and every action will have a reaction. By taking action or not taking action, the relationship will evolve. That is just life. The more you begin to see life as something that is evolving rather than fixed, the more you will take responsibility for HOW you act in every situation to meet your own goals, including with this girl (or any girl). You cannot change or will only be able to marginally influence someone's behavior. Therefore it is in your best interest to behave in ways that will most likely get you what you want or relatively quickly decipher if being how you want to be will never get you what you want, i.e. is being yourself at your core not going to get you this gf in the way you would like to have her be--well, if not, or one of the two or both would be compromising too much, then in order to manage your OWN life and happiness, it's up to you to decide that it's not going to work for you. In the meantime, before and during the time you are gathering information about whether or not she would be IT for you, you should conduct yourself in the best way to have your ideal relationship & grow as a person. It's that simple. The only thing you can really control is how you are going to act, not how she will react. Although if you are honest with yourself about the way you are acting and how it might affect or appear to another, you give yourself the best possible chance in interpersonal relationships. Basically, the HOW of what you spoke up about is equally or perhaps more important than the content of what you said. My guess is that you came off whiny, needy, immature, insecure or just too much trouble for her level of interest one month in. That is as perfect an example of "every action, has a reaction". You spoke up, she didn't like it. This doesn't mean you can't speak up about things that concern you but HOW you do it matters. And even if you do it "perfectly" you can't control that the other person will now have a reaction to what you spoke up about.

 

Me personally, I think you overreacted or basically overstepped. I think the IG incident just basically put it on the table that you two aren't on the same page. It doesn't mean that you couldn't work through it. But going from being stubborn thinking you were 100% in the right to apologizing for something (that's not really the issue) are black and white misinterpretations of the problem IMO. Basically you think you two are more serious than she thinks you are--and now she is rethinking or doesn't want the whole thing. There's nothing to apologize really for in this scenario. It's just that the whole issue got brought to the surface. Half the battle, IMO again, is you failing to accept that she is not 100% in, while you are and are looking for reassurance. Since you forced the crossroads--now you have a choice: either accept her terms or go on your merry way. Unfortunately, now she has lowered her terms and is upset with you and demoted you to "friend", which she probably really doesn't mean--more likely it means she doesn't want to keep talking to or seeing you or dating you. Which goes back to what I originally said, if you "force" her hand sometimes you end up with a no. It may have never been a no but you "needed" an answer now and you got the one you would get now. So what about the 5 girls waiting in line to date you? What's stopping you from moving on to date them? Looks like nothing....

Edited March 15, 2017 by Versacehottie

[Braytc]

no that's not what i'm saying. I think you are making assumptions and misinterpreting which might be what happened with this girl too, more importantly than me. It feels very black and white how you are looking at this situation. Of course, you can say anything you want to say--however, the relationship is fluid and every action will have a reaction. By taking action or not taking action, the relationship will evolve. That is just life. The more you begin to see life as something that is evolving rather than fixed, the more you will take responsibility for HOW you act in every situation to meet your own goals, including with this girl (or any girl). You cannot change or will only be able to marginally influence someone's behavior. Therefore it is in your best interest to behave in ways that will most likely get you what you want or relatively quickly decipher if being how you want to be will never get you what you want, i.e. is being yourself at your core not going to get you this gf in the way you would like to have her be--well, if not, or one of the two or both would be compromising too much, then in order to manage your OWN life and happiness, it's up to you to decide that it's not going to work for you. In the meantime, before and during the time you are gathering information about whether or not she would be IT for you, you should conduct yourself in the best way to have your ideal relationship & grow as a person. It's that simple. The only thing you can really control is how you are going to act, not how she will react. Although if you are honest with yourself about the way you are acting and how it might affect or appear to another, you give yourself the best possible chance in interpersonal relationships. Basically, the HOW of what you spoke up about is equally or perhaps more important than the content of what you said. My guess is that you came off whiny, needy, immature, insecure or just too much trouble for her level of interest one month in. That is as perfect an example of "every action, has a reaction". You spoke up, she didn't like it. This doesn't mean you can't speak up about things that concern you but HOW you do it matters. And even if you do it "perfectly" you can't control that the other person will now have a reaction to what you spoke up about.

 

Me personally, I think you overreacted or basically overstepped. I think the IG incident just basically put it on the table that you two aren't on the same page. It doesn't mean that you couldn't work through it. But going from being stubborn thinking you were 100% in the right to apologizing for something (that's not really the issue) are black and white misinterpretations of the problem IMO. Basically you think you two are more serious than she thinks you are--and now she is rethinking or doesn't want the whole thing. There's nothing to apologize really for in this scenario. It's just that the whole issue got brought to the surface. Half the battle, IMO again, is you failing to accept that she is not 100% in, while you are and are looking for reassurance. Since you forced the crossroads--now you have a choice: either accept her terms or go on your merry way. Unfortunately, now she has lowered her terms and is upset with you and demoted you to "friend", which she probably really doesn't mean--more likely it means she doesn't want to keep talking to or seeing you or dating you. Which goes back to what I originally said, if you "force" her hand sometimes you end up with a no. It may have never been a no but you "needed" an answer now and you got the one you would get now. So what about the 5 girls waiting in line to date you? What's stopping you from moving on to date them? Looks like nothing....

 

 

I understand now that i probably messed up and all, but i just thought i was doing something good. I didn't mean for this to happen. It's just what i "thought" she would like to hear, me caring about her. I guess i just came off too strong.

 

I dont know what other words to put it as. The way i feel about it, I myself, is that if im sitting here for today, which is march 14th, X amount of girls pass me by until let's say May 14th which is 2 months away, and i just sit here every day thinking about her and just waiting, and waiting, and waiting, for something that isn't even sure-fire...how is that the correct way of going about it. Girls actually expect you to let everything pass by, especially if you have strong feelings for them, for that long? There's just no way anybody on the face of the earth is going to sit there twiddling their thumbs for 2 months waiting on some sort of "i love you"...

 

That doesn't mean im not going to take your advice, i will definitely try my best to take everyone's advice and just "Back off" like you're saying, but i also don't want to come off as "un-interested" in this girl or the next girl if i have to move on. There's a fine line here that you cant possibly calculate. So if i dont message her for 2 days, and she doesnt message me for 2 days, what if she sits there like "wow does he not care about me anymore? F HIM" thats kind of what happened the past few days.

[Miss Spider]

I stand by my original assessment...but let's say for sake of argument that she just wants you to show how much you care by continuing to chase after her as she pulls away. Can you really be in a rship with someone like that?

 

I had a friend where I'd ask her what's wrong and she'd say "nothing..." and I'd say "are you sure?" And she'd be like " yeah, just leave me alone" so I would.

 

I'd ask her if she was okay again a couple days later and she'd say "yeah... not like you'd care anyway" Post things like " when I say I'm okay...that doesn't mean I really am" On her FB wall *headdesk*

 

It drove me insane!!! I mean you can't win with people in that mindset unless you read minds.

[Braytc]

I stand by my original assessment...but let's say for sake of argument that she just wants you to show how much you care by continuing to chase after her as she pulls away. Can you really be in a rship with someone like that?

 

I had a friend where I'd ask her what's wrong and she'd say "nothing..." and I'd say "are you sure?" And she'd be like " yeah, just leave me alone" so I would.

 

I'd ask her if she was okay again a couple days later and she'd say "yeah... not like you'd care anyway" Post things like " when I say I'm okay...that doesn't mean I really am" On her FB wall *headdesk*

 

It drove me insane!!! I mean you can't win with people in that mindset unless you read minds.

 

Haha, i completely get that. Really that brings up a good point in this "relationship". Honestly this girl did this with me after the first week we dated. After the first week of dating, she started acting like pissy with me and would say "im just having a bad day" and stuff. So i did what i should've done last night, i backed off. I stopped texting her for an entire weekend and was honestly about to just do away with her after the first week. Didn't say a word to her from Friday-Monday and then she eventually messaged me saying "Why are you ignoring me? What did i do wrong? :("

 

That was the exact text she sent me...

 

 

 

I'm just a decently persistent person. I'll go right back to the beginning and say how much we enjoyed eachother. I just dont think someone that isn't into you would go through everything and say everything that she did with me. I just don't buy it. After 1 date maybe things could be really weird and this situation is stupid, but we had it going on. I have good intuition.

 

But yeah maybe you're right. Maybe she really just isn't good for me and say we would be together right now as we speak, maybe years down the line something like this might start happening again or maybe im just not fully happy with a permanent thing with her.

 

It's just i wouldn't like to lay this whole thing to rest after everything i've invested in it. Maybe i just can't win with her and really she's just a super difficult person that just wants attention or something.

 

There's just too many variables going on and i can't really paint a clear picture of what the hell i did wrong, or if i even did anything wrong. If she planned for this to happen all along. Idk, i could sit here going "What if" forever.

 

I did decide to send her an apology, she responded with vague things. She said "**** happens." and some other things, but who knows from here. If she legitimately wants something ill be here, if not ill be searching for someone more worth it if that's where fate wants to take me in the mean time. Maybe it will all come out alright in the end. I'm tired of feeling bad about girls.

 

I've just been having a lot of trouble getting an actual relationship going...for a good 2 years now that i've been looking. Idk how long it usually takes people, or maybe im just picky. I've been on a good amount of dates that either I or they just didnt follow through with. I know what I have. I'm not egotistically speaking, but i have a great career, i make a lot, have a way above amount of assets than most people my age, im told constantly how funny i am, how good of a personality i have, how attractive i am, how much style i have, how much intelligence, how good of a heart I have in caring for people, the list goes on. This isn't me speaking on myself, this is my boss at my jobs, my friends, people i've dated, teachers, classmates, whoever you want to name telling me this stuff. Hell, girls i dont even meet with and just talk to me online through whatever media site are usually the ones to ask me to go to their house or go out on a date with them first without me even asking, which seems like a high amount of trust in me. I just for some reason am having so much trouble keeping anyone.

Edited March 15, 2017 by Braytc

[PogoStick]

Sir, your thinking and communication style is...off track. You're only offering 2 extremes: if she doesn't like me being overbearing with non-stop attention then she likes to be ignored. WTF? Life is shades of grey.

 

Your emotional conduct is like a 12 year old. You make such ridiculous statements in every post of this thread that it's difficult to even respond.

 

You really don't understand the dating and relationship forming process. You need to chill out and slow down. WAY DOWN, with the next few women you pursue. Ironically, that doesn't mean wait on sex. Sex is fine and expected, but as a wise Jedi once said, "1 month a relationship does not make".

 

What likely happened was this: She was initially attracted to your attentiveness (among other qualities). People like to be wanted. She wasn't using you, being malicious, or anything negative. She was "attracted" to you. That made her decide to date you (get to know you). She then realized your attention was in fact overbearing, needy, anxious, SMOTHERING.

 

Honestly, you sound like you're in a bipolar manic phase. Any truth to that, or other psychological issues?

[Braytc]

Sir, your thinking and communication style is...off track. You're only offering 2 extremes: if she doesn't like me being overbearing with non-stop attention then she likes to be ignored. WTF? Life is shades of grey.

 

Your emotional conduct is like a 12 year old. You make such ridiculous statements in every post of this thread that it's difficult to even respond.

 

You really don't understand the dating and relationship forming process. You need to chill out and slow down. WAY DOWN, with the next few women you pursue. Ironically, that doesn't mean wait on sex. Sex is fine and expected, but as a wise Jedi once said, "1 month a relationship does not make".

 

What likely happened was this: She was initially attracted to your attentiveness (among other qualities). People like to be wanted. She wasn't using you, being malicious, or anything negative. She was "attracted" to you. That made her decide to date you (get to know you). She then realized your attention was in fact overbearing, needy, anxious, SMOTHERING.

 

Honestly, you sound like you're in a bipolar manic phase. Any truth to that, or other psychological issues?

 

Appreciate the response. And a lot of it makes perfect sense now. I have no problem getting the person, but i can't keep them. I don't think im being overbearing at all, but i guess thats the reason why you're saying i am in the first place, because i honestly don't know that. I think im being completely normal.

 

What would you say is overbearing? I say good morning, then text her again at night at 10pm like that conversation i posted went?

 

If texting someone at the beginning of the day and then 12 hours later at the end of the day is overbearing, i need someone to enlighten me on that.

 

What did i say that you think im bipolar without hearing my voice or seeing me.

[Braytc]

all she is texting me back is this :

"i just have a lot going on, i'm back to reality & it's stressful"

[PogoStick]

Sorry, I'm not trying to be mean and I appreciate you taking my post graciously. I'm basing my thoughts on limited information, so it's all an educated guess. But, I've been active on these forums for a few years so there has been quite of few people through here, and at nearly 40 y/o I have some fair life experience in the real world.

 

So putting it all together, the frequency of your responses, how much you type, along with what you're saying...compare that to life experience and it gives me the overall impression.

 

So here's an example, you say you only text her twice a day. 1. How extensive was that 2nd round of texting, not just on the best day, but on the worst? 2. And what of your conversations on the phone, or in person?

 

3. Most importantly, your behavior in person. Why? I can surmise from your self-described work ethic and success that you are an intense person. You said when you want something, you want it now, and you go after it.

 

Put it all together and I can only imagine that some women are going to feel that you are "too much".

 

What are you thoughts about my bipolar suggestion?

[Braytc]

I went on her facebook and discovered something so sad it's ridiculous. This past month she went back to her hometown for 2 weeks and just came back this week (i was the one that picked her up from the airport)

Her facebook that we never really spoke about, now says "in a relationship" with this guy from her hometown all the way across the country. And the date this was changed was the first week in march.

So she came back. Said all of that lovey-dovey **** with me, made out with me in the car, and all of this stuff....and then this.

I'm at loss for words, girls are...

 

****ing disgusting.

[Braytc]

I knew something was fishy as ****. And that right there, is why i keep poking at it over and over. because my mind knows that she is like i said 50 times on this thread, playing games. And she thought i wouldnt find out.

[Braytc]

This girl literally , said, this guy will marry me in a heartbeat and you won't. Only reason i didn't say yes to him yet is because of you. You won't marry me.

 

And i've known this girl for 1-2 months.

[Braytc]

Sorry, I'm not trying to be mean and I appreciate you taking my post graciously. I'm basing my thoughts on limited information, so it's all an educated guess. But, I've been active on these forums for a few years so there has been quite of few people through here, and at nearly 40 y/o I have some fair life experience in the real world.

 

So putting it all together, the frequency of your responses, how much you type, along with what you're saying...compare that to life experience and it gives me the overall impression.

 

So here's an example, you say you only text her twice a day. 1. How extensive was that 2nd round of texting, not just on the best day, but on the worst? 2. And what of your conversations on the phone, or in person?

 

3. Most importantly, your behavior in person. Why? I can surmise from your self-described work ethic and success that you are an intense person. You said when you want something, you want it now, and you go after it.

 

Put it all together and I can only imagine that some women are going to feel that you are "too much".

 

What are you thoughts about my bipolar suggestion?

 

i found out what's going on, and i cant even believe my eyes LOL. This whole time im dealing with like a psychotic person. "You won't marry me, so you can't have me" LOL

Edited March 16, 2017 by Braytc

[Miss Spider]

Oh no it was a mixed of #1amd #2.... backup side piece...I am so sorry.

 

 

[curiouslysearching]

Oh no it was a mixed of #1amd #2.... backup side piece...I am so sorry.

 

 

 

that is not he ideal recipe

[coolheadal]

Hi everyone, Lately I've been dating a girl for about a month now. She's told me multiple times what I mean to her, and I've told her what she means to me. We both are really into eachother physically and she's a little shy but pretty much on the emotional connection side.

I'm just a little confused , as to we are moving out of the dating phase and into an actual relationship. Telling our parents about one another, she came to my house to spend the night once but none of my parents were home, and kind of texting on a daily basis.

To the ladies mostly out there, I just found it really strange, or maybe im over thinking it, that when i commented on one of her instagram photos with some love emojis, she removed it. I texted her asking her why, and she said this:

 

**"I'm not ready to make it public between us yet"

 

**i said something like "i cant compliment you? I want us to be proud of eachother ya know"

 

**She said "Yeah, but i dont want it to be out yet and dont want people to think you're thirsty"

 

 

Is this something girls usually do? They don't really want the public knowing about our relationship starting up? Of course every girl is different and she is a little different from others, but it's just kinda been eating away at me.

She mentioned in the car she told her family about me that she's seeing but is a little too early yet for me to be meeting anyone because she feels until everything is completely permanent she wants to make sure the relationship will stay before she starts letting people REALLY know about us.

It's just felt weird to me lately. Thanks for your help

 

tl;dr

Girl I dated for not too long, me and her pretty much are calling eachother girlfriend/boyfriend and moving into a relationship, but she isn't completely letting her family/public see me and her together yet. She also has been getting really quiet in texting eachother for some reason. She calls me her baby, yet has been barely texting me with her initiating the text or giving some one word answers to things that arent sometimes. Maybe i'm just being paranoid or worked up for no reason. Let me know what you think is going on. Thanks!

 

She's not ready, and what are you doing you pushing it. Back off! What's wrong with you, she told you what she is doing and you want to run on white horse and tell everyone that your in a relationship with her. Best wait until she does the announcement. She's just 21 of age again pull back turn the other way. She's not ready for any relationship she's just not ready. Teasing, saying cute things isn't going to cut it, you shouldn't even thing otherwise. Stand-down... stand-down!

[Braytc]

Oh no it was a mixed of #1amd #2.... backup side piece...I am so sorry.

 

 

 

No but do you know what the kicker is?

 

Her text message is this:

 

"He said he would marry me and have a family and you won't. He asked me to marry him and i said no... because of you"

 

So 1. this girl thinks ill marry her and have a family 1 month in.

 

 

Then this:

This guy's facebook says "in a relationship" with a picture of them together in Hawaii Feb. 27th.

 

 

Now she is texting me this. These texts messages are hilarious and psychotic.

"I'm still single, i didnt tell anybody about him or have anything with anybody yet. You knew i was still seeing other people. Nothing was official yet between us"

 

So while she was "in a relationship" with this guy back in Feb 27th, i brought her home from the airport. Made out with her. Talked to her all the way home about telling eachother to our parents, being together, and all of this stuff.

 

So let's even take the spotlight off of me. I feel bad for this guy that she's "with" but is telling people she "isnt with" and is still "single" and is still making out with me and telling me that she's with me.

On the way back from the airport she said "we are a thing"

 

Yet this entire time i dont know about this guy. LOL

 

 

I'm relieved honestly and very happy i found out, just another girl using people.

Remember what i've been saying this whole time? Her text messages just felt like she was disconnected with me, yet wasn't completely letting go of me.

And that's exactly what this was.

A game, as people said it wasnt, because guess what, even when i blew her secret, she STILL is insisting we talk and be together LMFAO

Edited March 16, 2017 by Braytc